MIL comment about money - feel hurt and just a bit odd

[ShatOnAndrew]

DP is likely to come into some money next year. We were chatting with PILs about it.

I made a comment about flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure.

MIL said "Oh you're coming into money as well are you?" and did a sort of cats-bum face.
I laughed it off and said "I wish, I'm sure what DP gets will do nicely"

I can't put my finger on it but it really hurt me. It felt like she was suggesting I'm gold digging (sorry, terrible phrase). Me and MIL have always got on well - we're not close but no falling out or anything.

It's really niggling at me. I know I need to just leave it. I'd look like a loon bringing it back up now but I can't shake this horrible feeling.

Sorry, not sure what I'm actually asking here. Just needed to vent a bit.

It's so old fashioned people making the distinction between a DH or DP - many couples these days don't get married but are 100% committed and have children and houses together. I'm in my late 50s and can't see much difference so I'm surprised if younger people are considering it an issue.

I'm sure after nearly 20 years with her partner @ShatOnAndrew is ok to refer to her partner's mother as her MIL as that best explains who she is to OP.

If you are married op then yanbu. Tbh I’d have probably laughed and said ‘your DS is my husband you know’. I read it originally that you weren’t married which would have been different.

It's so old fashioned people making the distinction between a DH or DP - many couples these days don't get married but are 100% committed and have children and houses together.

It’s not about ‘old fashioned’ it’s about the law. All of your money in marriage is joint, if you were to split up then it is all considered together.

That's her husband. Are you saying he shouldnt share any of it with her? Odd . Very odd.

I reckon she doesn't like you as much as she's made out AND thought it was a bit of a dig at her having retired early, funded by her husband still working...

So her mask has indeed slipped a little.

Try to forget it, as you say, no good will come of bringing it back up. How you and your partner manage your money and decide what to do with your lives is entirely up to the two of you, not her.

It's so old fashioned people making the distinction between a DH or DP

It's a crucial legal difference that is very relevant indeed when discussing money. An unmarried couple may well be 100% emotionally committed and more in love than a married one, but their relationship is not legalised and they have not made that particular legal commitment, even if they have kids and a shared mortgage.

And they may well have excellent reasons for that. But legally they are not in the same position as a married couple.

I thought your joke was amusing. Perhaps it hit a nerve for her somehow.

You could have replied yes, shared finances and all that. But it was a weird moment.

Going forward perhaps be a little more reserved around her, there's clearly an issue under the surface.

Sometimes people get triggered by someone behaving in a way or saying something that reminds them of an aspect of themselves they are not quite happy with. So MIL could have been suppressing feelings that she ought not to have retired when she did even though she hated the job. Maybe FIL has made some veiled comments to her and although she jokes about her retirement, she might not feel so easy about it underneath.

Well, I thought the obligation to work a day a week suggested a business sale and good for your DH and you. I thought your first comment was ill-judged but probably said in jest, but your 2nd comment after your MIL made it obvious she didn't appreciate your initial comment would have irritated her further, which I understand. I'm not sure I would re-open the issue of money with her. It could do more damage than good. But if you want to have a reasonable relationship going forward, perhaps you could invite her to a nice lunch at a nice destination and give her a nice gift at Christmas to smooth things over. Whatever the rights or wrongs of the situation, hopefully you don't want to get into the territory of your DH being caught in the middle of his wife and his mother. Then just carry on with your life and don't mention money again. Best wishes

Insensitive much.

@Teateaandmoretea "If you are married op then yanbu. Tbh I’d have probably laughed and said ‘your DS is my husband you know’. I read it originally that you weren’t married which would have been different"

Legally, yes. But it is a little crass to be making assumptions, surely?

Maybe she’s jealous, or maybe you came across as a bit smug?

Nobody's died. DH has sold a business

Both are you were out of order tbh, it’s your husbands money not yours ,

I think you’re in danger of over reacting and causing an argument, I’d just forget it’s I doubt it was meant with any malice, don’t look for trouble where there isn’t any!

I’ve just come back to this thread and all the gold digging comments are just baffling!!
They’re married!! Have been married a long time. This isn’t inherited money from someone’s death, it’s from the sale of his business-which as his wife she has 50% entitlement to. It’s literally a matrimonial asset. So if she wants to make jokes about flouncing out of her job, it’s neither gold digging, nor crass.
op, your MIL should keep her nose out of marital affairs. Yours and your husbands finances are none of her business and if you want to make jokes, then make jokes.

Given it isn’t money via an inheritance, I don’t think your comment was insensitive. However, it also wasn’t a “joke” given this is actually what you plan to do!

I think if you hadn’t said it as a joke but just communicated your intention, you could have pulled your MIL up on the comment as being inappropriate & none of her business. However, by positioning it as a “joke”, she could also say her response was a “joke” so I think you need to let it go.

i can understand why it would rankle though as now when she does find out your intentions, you’ll know her opinion - and she shouldn’t have had the opportunity to give it

The issue with PP's comments was OP (possibly unintentionally) made people think she was a girlfriend by using DP instead of DH. Girlfriends and wives are different.

Sorry but I’m with your MIL. That money is your husband’s not yours to suddenly decide to live off! What if your marriage broke down? How would you survive then? As you wouldn’t be entitled to half of whatever he has left.

I wouldn’t dream of helping myself to a partner’s money, even if we’d been married for decades!

Wow I am gobsmacked by the majority of these comments "it's your DH money not yours". Sorry but I totally disagree with this. I can't help feel all the MILs have ganged up on here to post. OP is married. I think money should be pooled as all finances should be between a married couple - you're supposed to be a team, and on the same page. I really would not take any offence at what you said and I would see it as a joke which it obviously was.

I had a similar thing with my MIL. She deliberately rang up DH, asked him to put his speaker phone on when I was home and made a point of telling him she was arranging her will so that in the event she dies she wants to ensure the DILs "can't touch it or use it to spend on their potential second husbands". I'm married with a child and have been with DH for almost 20 years. I couldn't care less what she does with her money but it was unnecessary and rude to go about it the way in which she did and now I don't speak to her. I will also add my parents have done the opposite because they view my DH and I as a family. And they are not d*heads which helps.

totally agree, it's none of your mil business. it's like she's saying to you, it's not your money, it's his, which is none of her business at all.

If you're on MN, then you should know that in-law titles are often used in a long-term relationship.

If you didn't know, you do now.

Please say it wasn't that you were wearing your judgy pants and wanted to put the boot in.

Except it sounds like MIL didn't find OPs 'comment' amusing at all. I don't think it can be classified as a joke if one side is quite offended by it...which it sounds like MIL was. Others probably were as well, they just didn't say it!

They are in exactly the same position with regard to the fact if one person in the relationship comes into money they can choose whether to share it with their partner or not.

Picking up on the word "potential" here. As the sale is not a done deal; is your MIL concerned that you might be pushing a business decision because it suits you, and not your DH?