MIL comment about money - feel hurt and just a bit odd

[ShatOnAndrew]

DP is likely to come into some money next year. We were chatting with PILs about it.

I made a comment about flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure.

MIL said "Oh you're coming into money as well are you?" and did a sort of cats-bum face.
I laughed it off and said "I wish, I'm sure what DP gets will do nicely"

I can't put my finger on it but it really hurt me. It felt like she was suggesting I'm gold digging (sorry, terrible phrase). Me and MIL have always got on well - we're not close but no falling out or anything.

It's really niggling at me. I know I need to just leave it. I'd look like a loon bringing it back up now but I can't shake this horrible feeling.

Sorry, not sure what I'm actually asking here. Just needed to vent a bit.

My MIL would find this funny as it's clearly in jest. You and your DH are married and share finances... simple as that. I would assume your relationship is not great anyway by her reaction - YANBU to be bothered

I’d take it as she was trying to put you in your place and in her mind that is not sharing everything with dh. I’d be annoyed. If I liked her I’d bring it up when everyone was present and say “you know you really upset me the other day when you said <repeat what she said> it made me feel like you didn’t think dh and I were a married.

and let her explain

I want to know how much he is going to get!

If it's a fortune, then why would you continue working? If it's just a nice lump sum, that's different.

Why gosh, ain't your relationship special?
We have all been using husband and wife for millenia, but we aren't quite as equal and connected as your novel way of describing your marriage.

It was clearly a joke and given the money is in no way connected with your MIL, her response was inappropriate. She has no business having a view on how your family unit allocates the funds you both bring into it by working. If your PIL were giving you money or it was an inheritance from your DH's side of the family, that might be slightly different.

Tbh, if I said that to my MIL she'd call me a grabby cow - and I would certainly sound like one - and I'd be mortified the words had ever left my mouth. Likewise, if my DP said that to my mother she'd call him a grabby bastard.

Really classless and quite distasteful comment.

Different country, in France, even if you haven’t signed a mariage contract, what you have inherited is yours if, unfortunately, the marriage breaks up. The same also applies as to what you owned before the nuptials.

There's such a thing as harmless jokes causing needless offence, but I don't think this is one of them. Sounds like MIL thinks that you are not pulling your weight financially in the marriage and that a 'what's yours is mine' attitude is out of place. Ouch.
From what you've said I don't agree with her, but could anything have happened at any stage that might lead to MIL viewing you in this way?

Probably better for OP to put important context in the initial post if she wants any useful advice.

That's awfully snarky.

Not everyone is happy with the cultural baggage of husband and wife, and civil partnerships for opposite sex partners weren't available until relatively recently.

OP describing her spouse as a partner doesn't stop you describing yours as a husband.

If there are unfortunate circumstances around why he is expecting this money I can see why she thought your comment was distasteful and your second comment made it worse
The money is coming to your DH himself not jointly although obviously what he does with the money is his choice.
This is why I never discuss finances and give vague answers
I advise you to do the same even if it's usual in your family

Thing is, it's none of MIL's business. As long as both parties in the marriage are happy with what the financial arrangement is, that's all that matters.

They’ve been together 19 years. Not really MIL business how they share work/finances. But yeah MIL reaction to a bit of light humour reflects pretty badly on their relationship.

Well, we don't actually know if the money is connected to the MIL. All we know is the DH is obliged to keep working one day a week as a condition of receiving the money. Perhaps this was a family business passed on to DH by PIL and it's been sold on with an obligation he works one day a week for an amount of time to help the new owners of the business set up, eg, business relationships with suppliers/customers; knowledge of the business. Perhaps it's nothing like this. We don't know. I think using DP instead of DH in a forum such as this was always going to result in people believing OP was a girlfriend.

Except they're probably not married.

@CarrotPencil "Wow! Was just trying to have a conversation…. Scary response!!"

Hmm. A conversation where you undervalue other people's relationships? Fair enough.

I think your comment sounded really clumsy.

It depends on the context/relationship. If I said what the OP said to my MIL, she'd probably reply "And quite right too. What's the point in having money if you don't enjoy it and the two of you have enough of it between you to take some time to have fun doing nice things".

Not all contributions to relationships are financial and if you get to the length of relationship the OP has (and you've combined finances), then personally I'd find it distasteful to have my OH's money treated as separate to my own and me as "grabby" for expecting to have a claim on what is essentially household money.

You realise that a joke is a comment not to be taken literally/seriously? Granted it appears OP may have misjudged the closeness of their relationship. But I hardly think a joke about enjoying money your partner of 19 years has been fortunate enough to come into (not through somebody passing away) is in any way distasteful.

My MiL occasionally makes comments like this too, I already don't work but in fact have a lot more capital than he does all of which has gone into the family, and all the equity from the property I bought before I had the kids, so it does rankle!

Give it a few days though, the annoyance will wear off. Bringing it up definitely won't help, she feels how she feels. It's ok for her to 'live off' her dh but not ok for anyone to live off her dc. It's illogical and unfair but actually it's a relatively common feeling I think, lots of parents get like that.

I'm sure your were just joking op, but sometimes the jokes just don't land well.

I'd just shake it off now and forget it, we've all said daft things sometimes

I get it. My MIL has spent 35 years making snarky comments about my "extravagance". Has to know the price of everything I buy and does the cat bum face.

After about 20 years I just started saying "it cost what I was prepared to pay" "good job I go to work and can buy what I want".

She's radiates concern that I'm spending all her son's money and am.frivolous. Nope, we had a pre-nup when we got married because I had significant assets.

If it’s inherited money legally it belongs just to the person who inherits it. Even in divorce it cannot be touched by the other partner. Unlike earnings for married couples it doesn’t count as ‘joint finances’. MIL might have been thinking you were being a bit presumptuous in saying you’d have a stake in it especially if it’s from a deceased family member.

Just ignore her. If you are married then yes you’ve both come into money regardless in the UK.

Nothing wrong with that at all. My point was more the partners mother not recognising that the money ‘should’ go to her son and not for her sons partner to ‘live the life of riiley”.