MIL comment about money - feel hurt and just a bit odd

[ShatOnAndrew]

DP is likely to come into some money next year. We were chatting with PILs about it.

I made a comment about flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure.

MIL said "Oh you're coming into money as well are you?" and did a sort of cats-bum face.
I laughed it off and said "I wish, I'm sure what DP gets will do nicely"

I can't put my finger on it but it really hurt me. It felt like she was suggesting I'm gold digging (sorry, terrible phrase). Me and MIL have always got on well - we're not close but no falling out or anything.

It's really niggling at me. I know I need to just leave it. I'd look like a loon bringing it back up now but I can't shake this horrible feeling.

Sorry, not sure what I'm actually asking here. Just needed to vent a bit.

Your remark was a bit tasteless-hers was a joke gone wrong. I reckon they cancel each other out!

But I'm not a "what's yours is mine" type of person.

I sometimes absentmindedly refer to DH and I as "going out" rather than being married, which we actually have been for fifteen years.

Anyway OP I bet a ton of people won't read your updates and will pile in blathering about bereavements and how you're "only the girlfriend".

DP will have to keep working as part of the conditions of getting the money. But it'd only be a day a week.

Me and DP have always used "partner", no implications at all for how much we are family- to me "partner" connotes a level of equality that "husband" and "wife" don't. It works for us and has done for the 19 years we've been together

Interesting perspective. Generally, ‘partner’ comes before marriage - so hopefully only the very best ones become ‘husband’!

Seems like the easiest shorthand rather than "my partners mother"

Nothing to be 🤔about!

Doesn’t anyone read the comments from the OP at all???

She is married, for 11 years, been together for longer

The money isn’t an inheritance from a death.

@ShatOnAndrew
Just ignore her obviously jealous remark.
you’ve both worked hard to put yourselves in this good financial position. Enjoy it. Life’s too short.

You know who you are, and who you are as a couple. Don’t worry about what your MIL thinks. Wasting your energy on that will eat away at your relationship, let it go.

Have you thought about the way it may have made her felt.
Potentially she thought that flouncing off from your job and being a lady of leisure was a remark linked to her leaving her job and relying on your FIL for support.

@CarrotPencil
"Interesting perspective. Generally, ‘partner’ comes before marriage - so hopefully only the very best ones become ‘husband’!"

Or the ones who choose to stay rather than having to be legally shackled?

Disclaimer-I know that's bullshit. But not as bullshit-y as your "only the best ones....." comment.

I would guess she thought your joke was poor taste, as though you thought you'd get your hands on your DH's inheritance. She took it too seriously.
My SIL's in-laws put in their will that their children's partners must not benefit from any money they left! People can be funny about inheritance

Wow! Was just trying to have a conversation…. Scary response!!

backs away slowly…..

I think the poster who said she took it as a dig regarding her own early retirement is correct.

The updates do change things quite a bit.
I still think OP was being a bit gloaty about it, and MILs comment wasn't all that bad.

So it’s fine for her to actually do it. But not for you to jokingly say it?! Ok.

@CarrotPencil Too many men I know go very quickly from husband to arsehole!
I have a strong objection to marriage though having seen too many people dear to me having their lives ruined by abusive other halves who see marriage as an opportunity to control the other person and husband becomes a term of dominance and wife a term of submission. Most of the people I know in marriages there is a power imbalance and broadly they aren't healthy relationships. Those is longer term relationship not married are more equal.

For me partner is a state of mind is not linked to length of time you have been together or whether there is piece of paper linking you to one another. It's when their wellbeing is as important to you as yours. It's when you hear they need help and you run in without thinking. I knew my partner was my partner when he phoned me after football asking to be picked up. He didn't specify why but there was enough tone that I picked up my keys and left that second. He had concussion from a collide of heads. I knew then that I would always come and he would do the same for me. It was over a decade later we got our civil partnership, mostly as it wasn't allowed for the majority of that time.

Yes, sounds like this.

It was just a joke, probably instigated by their awkward silence. MIL is very lucky to retire early, people are less and less able to do that these days.

Sounds like a business was sold and he is being retained one day a week as a consultant sort of thing?

Your MIL was very rude and I don't blame your irritation.
Tell your husband keep family business to himself.
It really is not a good idea to share financial information as you never know how it will land.

Be ready for another comment when you retire.
Perhaps tell her that she should mind your own business or ask her would SHE have appreciated rude remarks when SHE retired years ago????
Slap it down firmly.

Firm words with your husband required i think too.

You joked but you put your foot in your mouth OP her reaction does not mean she dislikes you she just didn’t like your comment.
I’m sure she knows you were joking but if your worried about it I would tell her next time you see her you obviously was joking and didn’t mean to offend.

It might depend whether the conversation had already covered your husband getting a similarly relaxed life. Saying you will "flounce" was obviously light-hearted but it sounds as though the amount of the windfall was a surprise to your PiL and maybe they expected more grown-up plans.

And this is why people should never'assume' inheritance or not married . In that case OP your MIL was out of order - she should have laughed!!

Most likely she felt it was his money and you were being a bit grabby, but could it also have touched a nerve if her leaving work was traumatic for her and you seemed to be making light of doing similarly.

Has anyone considered that the husband may not want to retire? My husband wouldn't want to!

I'm currently a SAHM but no plans to ever return to work. It works for us both

Could she have meant it in a jokey manner too?

Legally it matters a lot!