You never know what goes on behind closed doors…

[Butterscotchcloudstangerine]

Namechanged.

My marriage isn’t in the best place, and this has been the case for some time. One thing I sometimes think about is how we look from the outside and how most people think DH is such a lovely man - generous, kind, funny, outgoing. He can be all of those things to me, sometimes, and it’s largely how he comes across to the outside world.

But behind doors it’s often different. He’s snappy, mean, and critical. He just lost his temper (again) over a very minor thing tonight, and I am sitting here thinking about what friends and colleagues would say if they saw him behaving like such a dick. I’m not just talking about how we ‘let our guard down’ at home btw, it’s worse. He’s not abusive as such, but just behaving like an asshole.

It’s probably getting worse as he ages, and right now I’m questioning our future. I’m not here for advice on whether or not to leave him as such, but I’m more curious as to if anyone has experienced similar, this ‘outside/inside’ behaviour? My closest know I’m not very happy, and once or twice they’ve seen him get snappy or critical - however, they don’t know the full extent. I can’t even bring myself to tell them some of the comments/behaviour, I am not sure why when they are all loving and supportive.

anyone know what I’m talking about?

I wouldn't even be doing that. I'd start getting documents together, a new bank account he doesn't know about and diverting funds there for when you need to get out. Can't hurt and will make you feel more secure and in control.

Yes I know and here it’s higher level of neglect and avoidance on top of snappy, mean, rude behaviour. Sadly now for a year my daughter is struggling with her dad.
empathy and respect are also missing in the house but somehow in front of visitors or some family it’s all normal conversations - horrible place to be

Women can just as easily cause domestic abuse, and inflict violence. Cause verbal, emotional and physical abuse. It can often be worse for men; 'what you got beaten up by a woman? What are you, a man or a mouse? And that's from the police! When I say worse; it is more embarrassing admitting you are beaten by a female partner/wife. Of course probably on a ratio more women suffer domestic abuse, but something like 20% of men experience it too. Like the OP said; you never know what goes on behind closed doors!

Maybe more extreme - but I had an ex for 4 years in my 30s who turned out to be a real coercive control freak - and physically and mentally aggressive with it. To everyone else he seemed the loveliest, fun, good looking and sociable guy - but over time he became a real control freak. If provoked he would spit at me, pull a carving knife on me, smash down doors in my house, etc etc.

At first all my friends would have been amazed had I told them - but over time there were several incidents where he lost it at parties or work dos, and people became aware of his weird behaviours.

I suppose it depends whether your DH ever shows his true colours publicly - my BF took a couple of years but then did it several times (alcohol was not helpful). But either way - if your DH is not treating you well - you need to get out!

I was lucky - no kids or joint assets - but it still took several years to get him out. Please don't accept this behaviour - it will only get worse and you deserve better!

I used to work with people who were subjected to domestic violence. So many of them said that I would be charmed by the perpetrators. This is something we need to be aware of when in a position to help a person in this situation. This does apply to both genders, mostly males though.

Buy a cheap recording device and have it running when he is at home, transfer recordings to a safe place. Record phone calls if your phone can and copy text messages.

Can I just say thank you, on behalf of whichever friend or family member you did or do this for. It is so, SO difficult to leave, and it takes time, sometimes years, to wake up to it and find the strength. You KNOW things aren't right but your mind has been so manipulated that you turn yourself in circles wondering if its you who is in the wrong.
Having someone to talk to about it really helps…even when we are not strong enough to leave. We know how frustrating our confidant finds us, we feel ashamed of not being strong enough to walk away. That outlet can be the only lifeline we have. Though I understand that sometimes the listener needs to take space to keep their own sanity.

Tell me about it.i got divorced in 2020, hence my name. I was in a physically abusive relationship for 12 years. I got beaten on a regular basis. He was the nastiest piece of work you could ever come across. To the outside world, he was the perfect doting husband and father. To this day when I tell people why I left they find it hard to believe. People probably don't believe me because of how charismatic he is.

My dad was a total arsehole to my mum who was the most loveliest person ever, he tries to be better with me but I still find myself calling him out on bad behaviour. He hates it but what can he do.

DH is the same, loveliest person in public but a total selfish, narcissistic arsehole to me. Hates my professional achievements, tries to gaslight me. And it’s all my fault he is a dick. I don’t bloody think so. I tell him what’s what too. A complicated story for another time but well done OP.

You are so strong to leave. It makes me so angry reading through all of these experiences. So many men are abusive to their partners (and as someone said, some women are also abusers and I have witnessed this and I feel incredibly sorry for those men too).

The attitude of those who have been charmed by these abusers is so frustrating. I had one friend who would make a point of saying how sorry she is the my marriage failed (!) because “he’s such a nice guy”. I would stare blankly and say, no he’s no, he’s abusive. Don’t be sorry. Many years on, she makes a point to loudly ask after him if our paths cross. My response is who cares. Some people just don’t get it, or don’t want to.

I dated one of three sons when I was at university. All of them treated their mother like a second class citizen, just like their father. Their father wouldn’t use her name. He wouldn’t give her gifts or cards on special occasions, he would just leave an item on the table for her to find. He would shout at her. There was also this whole concept that she was “insane”. Her son repeated it often, and the really sad part was that she got a reputation at our university for being insane. All because her own sons would describe her that way. She wasn’t insane at all. She was such a wonderful, kind, well read and lovely person.

She told me never to have children, and to get away from her son. I did. She also tried to divorce her husband, but he convinced her to stay. All so sad.

Me too. This is like reading a horror story.

I think women should be aware too, that this is the dating pool if you decide to date after divorce. It’s largely these abusive rejects. I dated briefly and sat through dates where men like this offloaded their hate and bile about their ex wives. It was as clear as day who the problem was.

We are so fortunate to be born at this time where we can vote, have our own credit cards and bank accounts, own property and hold down jobs after we are married and have children (and thank God for flexible working). We don’t need men to live anymore. We certainly don’t need to live with them unless we choose to.

The bank accounts, credit card etc reminded me of something my mum told me recently she had to get my dad's permission to be sterilised..mid 70s
Shocking women didn't have control of their own bodies.

Dear sister, I am crying for your struggle and sorrow and for all the other women doing the same. There is a blessing in social media. At least now we have a place to find each other, open our hearts and get the support we need. Fabulous book reference 'Why does he do that.' from one poster.

I have nothing else to add to all the encouragement and support you have received here except to send you my heart felt encouragement for the struggle before you. ❤

That’s just inconceivable today, isn’t it?

It certainly is ,my dad was a cunt to us growing up think along the lines of DV, womanising and I was taken aback that she had to get that consent.
The charm personified was what I saw outside but inside was very different.

@AlertCat you’ve hit the nail right in the head there! My partner is exactly
like this. He’s not abusive or a narcissist or anything extreme like that but you’ve just totally summed it up there😂. I don’t get it. He doesn’t get it because we’ve spoken about it. I go ballistic now whenever he puts me last I won’t stand for it. I think it’s something to do with an extreme sensitivity to how he is perceived by others rather than a lack of care for me.

Your friend is a bitch, she gets it, she's just a bitch.

So many men like this.
Very middle class background , father a professional.
He was the youngest spoiled son of a very middle class couple.
My grandparents were such lovely people.
My grandmother once said my father was very spoiled.
He met and married my mother within a year and they were completely unsuited.
Children followed and he hated the change responsibilities brought to him.
They were unhappy but outwardly were an extremely good looking social couple.
My father ruined every single happy occasion during my childhood.
Sulking, bad tempered, spoiled toddler.
He bulied me my entire childhood.

One day I said no more, I was done.
I never relented.
I never went home again.
My mother had allowed me be bullied and grew to be a bully herself.
They were more like each other as the years grew.
They reached out multiple times but I was done. They never met my children.
They are both dead now and I feel peace.

Very much this. He sounds narcissistic- often very good at gaslighting so you can be left questioning whether you had done something wrong - if this happens don’t doubt yourself - you are seeing things clearly and you don’t have to put up with it. 🤗

Do you think the women he works with have really said that, though?

If you've only got his word for it, you don't know if it's true. It might not be. But it puts a certain pressure on you, doesn't it, because it makes you feel even more isolated. And it's such an odd thing to say. 'Your wife seems nice,' fine. But 'you're so in love!' is weird. And unprofessional. How would that conversation go IRL exactly?

For all you know, those women are thinking that they're glad he's not their husband.

FWIW it became clear after my parents divorced that people had known. Or at least suspected.

This is the case with my ex. He's an absolute charmer, outgoing, chatty, confident. I'm quite quiet and not very confident. I tread to think what he's told people about our split but I know they will have believed him 😔

Yes, I get it, was married to someone like this (he was an alcoholic), everyone saw him as a kind caring person. He used to be like this in private but he also had a nasty side, and as the drink took over, the kind caring person was lost. I'm now married to someone who is the same behind closed doors as he is outside, and the relief is quite frankly amazing. No way would I ever put up with shit behaviour again, from anyone (but them I'm old and getting less tolerant!).

Depressing thread. So many of these bullies out there. Including my ex.

I can relate.
My husband of 22 years filed for divorce earlier this year after years of me putting up with his jealousy and anger and criticism about my weight. I was loyal and loving but i did argue back as I felt he was unfair. I didn't like the angry person I became. But I never thought about leaving. I started to improve myself for my own self esteem. Like getting a hobby and looking after myself better, and he probably thought I would leave him so he decided to end it first. There were also mental health issues too which came about because of his extreme jealousy. It consumed him.

One thing he would do is bin the dinner i made if he didn't want to eat it and then ordered take away. Also he would leave me alone in my room (when I was feeling unwell) and not check on me or bring me a tea. Blaming me for being unwell because I didn't look after my health. These are a couple of examples.

I dont think it's right for a man to blame his partner for his problems in life. I see now that his behavior was controlling; sexually and emotionally. A good and kind man will show compassion and let you be yourself and not judge. I think he will move on to another woman and control her in the same way unless she is already subservient and willing to put up with these things. Or perhaps she will control him!