You never know what goes on behind closed doors…

[Butterscotchcloudstangerine]

Namechanged.

My marriage isn’t in the best place, and this has been the case for some time. One thing I sometimes think about is how we look from the outside and how most people think DH is such a lovely man - generous, kind, funny, outgoing. He can be all of those things to me, sometimes, and it’s largely how he comes across to the outside world.

But behind doors it’s often different. He’s snappy, mean, and critical. He just lost his temper (again) over a very minor thing tonight, and I am sitting here thinking about what friends and colleagues would say if they saw him behaving like such a dick. I’m not just talking about how we ‘let our guard down’ at home btw, it’s worse. He’s not abusive as such, but just behaving like an asshole.

It’s probably getting worse as he ages, and right now I’m questioning our future. I’m not here for advice on whether or not to leave him as such, but I’m more curious as to if anyone has experienced similar, this ‘outside/inside’ behaviour? My closest know I’m not very happy, and once or twice they’ve seen him get snappy or critical - however, they don’t know the full extent. I can’t even bring myself to tell them some of the comments/behaviour, I am not sure why when they are all loving and supportive.

anyone know what I’m talking about?

This is why I'm now so vocal and share my story of my marriage and how I left whenever it's a natural way to drop it into a conversation. Whoever I'm talking to doesn't have to have indicated any issues within their relationship and for all I know their partner may well be one of the good ones. On the other hand they may be suffering in silence and my story may help them feel less alone and give them the push they need to change their situation.
I'm never preachy, I keep it solely about my experience, I don't walk up to random people in the street and just tell them (that would be mental lol) but I hope after each time I tell my story it helps someone, the person I've told or someone they repeat it to. That confirmation that I not only survived but thrived.

My ex was like this, everyone loved him but he was financially abusing me and an ah at home, I did everything while also working and because he was the breadwinner he didn’t think he needed to help. OP I left him, it was scary but life is too fucking short and my boys deserve a happy Mum. You know what the answer is LTB x

I relate and recommend you read the book Living with the Dominator

I have a wonderful dh and our life probably looks perfect to the outside world. But we are infertile and have had to give up trying, which is heartbreaking for us both. Most don’t know that and I get comments from
people wishing to swap lives.

OP I feel for you. I could write a book on it. My DH puts on an 'act'. In front of others, he's jovial, happy, life of the party, charming, considerate, will ask the other ladies if they need a drink if we are out etc etc. At home, to me, he's a total dick. Everyone thinks my DH is wonderful, but as you have pointed out, behind closed doors is a completely different side. I've often said to him, it must be exhausting, putting on all these different faces all the time.

Earlier this year after 32 years ( 24 married ) to my husband I said enough was enough that we were over. I had spent the entire relationship sorting everything out and making all decisions. I was constantly criticised for everything , particularly in the last 5 years. Apparently santander does provide Christmas on Christmas eve as despite all evidence that I sorted it I was constantly told there were too many parcels arriving . The very parcels that contained our chikdrens presents! ! For the last for years I had no support fighting the local authority for our youngest child's needs and he never read any of the paperwork but I was judged for the costs involved. When I was seriously ill with covid in 2022 I was still expected to sort out the school run and sort xmas etc. I totally understand your situation and I made the choice to choose life. I am now single for 8 months and I have my life and sanity back. I have never regretted it for one moment. I bought him out of the family home and whilst money is tight I have a home and have kept life stable for my youngest child
I would urge you to choose life, even if you start making plans before you tell him your decision. It will be scary and it will at times seem impossible but if you believe in you , it will work . I wish you well

My father was like it, horrible childhood because of him. Old school friends all say how kind their fathers were and i have started to say well mine wasnt. My ExP was also like it, so i thought im not putting up with it and got out. They don't change!!!

What do you mean by sexually controlling? Does this mean he forces sex?

I feel awful saying this but I’m starting to realise that my DGF really wasn’t a good husband or father. The change in my DGM in the years since his death have been remarkable, and I think his parenting has caused his children, most notably my DF, lifelong problems - as much as I did love him to bits.

@Butterscotchcloudstangerine Oh I get it. I was bought up in a home today they call affluent neglect/abuse. No one knew what was going on behind closed doors.

Guess what i created it as an adult. One or two close knew what the ex was like. The majority didn't.

Total shock when I finally left and it all came out. I know this is more extreme some would say but as you say "what goes on behind closed doors"

My only suggestion is you get some outside help so you can make some decisions in a safe impartial place

RELATE are a free at point of access with voluntary donations accepted. They counsel couples/individuals and families

www.relate.org.uk/what-we-do/counselling-services

My brother was going out with the daughter of a super successful neighbour.
A solicitor, large practice, gorgeous wife, gorgeous home, beautiful daughters.

Turns out he raped every single one of his daughters. Battered his wife.

It has never come out.

This was my dad growing up. Seemed so wonderful to the outside world. Life and soul of the party, friendly, generous and kind. At home he was a different person. Angry, volatile, prone to violent outbursts and a very mean drunk. I remember a group of my cousins once telling me how my dad was their favourite uncle as he was so amazing and always provided a shoulder to cry on and friendly support for everyone in our extended family. He barely had a spare minute for his own kids and seemed to have zero interest in our life, unless it was to shout or ridicule us. He treated our mother even worse. I’m so sorry you are living through this.

Sadly this is classic narcissist behaviour - it escalates so be careful. I work with abused women and this is how it starts.

I was raised by a man who had an inside Dad/outside Dad. Angry and aggressive and on occasion violent, sulking and controlling and yet, so benign to the outside world, so helpful to anyone who asked, who he would then berate for taking advantage of him, when he got back home. Angry at the world, angry at my Mum and me and no interests in anything except cultivating misery. Most people who know him thinks he's a nice guy, he never offers a strong opinion, completely beige, and is quiet and self contained. Inside he was foaming at the mouth and smashing shit up. I went onto marry the very same type and again got caught in the cycle of abuse and was rendered mute because I felt noone would believe me. So to anyone who finds themselves raising a child with a man like this, please go. Please just take your child and leave. This child was taught to tolerate this, say nothing and carry all the blame because it must be you (and your Mum) at fault because it's only when he's with you that he's terrifying. It took me until I was 42 to realise what had happened to me, to lay the blame correctly on him and to identify the pattern I was in and had replicated.

My ex is a physical and abusive narcissist ..it took me 10yrs to see it for myself and it was only after we finally split up that friends and family admitted they could see what was happening but “didn’t want to get involved”

And lest we forget, these situations were exacerbated for many people by cruel and inhumane lockdowns. Certainly nobody knew what happened behind closed doors then - the only thing that mattered was "don't kill granny".

It's not till you start reading things like this that you realise you are not alone. My husband can be nice to me for maybe a week or two and then every time I say anything I am starting. Even if I just ask him to push the door closed. He then screams and shouts at me. What ever happens is all my fault. I did for a long time not say anything back to him, but realised that I was not being fair on myself. So now I say things back to him, which he doesn't like. Out son doesn't have anything to do with him even living in the same house.
Like others have said he is great with people he works with, is kind and helps. He is like Jekyll and Hyde.

Interesting how many people relate to your post. I had much the same ambivalent feelings towards my late husband, who died from cancer over 3 years ago. We were married for 30 years, and together for 33, and were very happy to start with - although perhaps the writing was on the wall even then, as he was sometimes quite horrible to his widowed mum, and she said he'd been the same to his 1st wife (from whom he was divorced). The problem was his hair trigger temper - he would flare up over something quite minor, say really cutting cruel things, and then calm down and behave almost as though he didn't remember what he'd said. The recipients of his nasty tongue (usually me) didn't forget though, and when he was being affectionate, I wasn't really convinced by his honeyed words as would wonder wryly whether the harsh ones were what he really thought of me. Over the years, my feelings for him dwindled, but although I thought often about leaving him, for most of our marriage it wasn't really an option as I was not in full-time work and didn't have enough money to support myself independently, also I had 2 daughters who would have been devastated. For part of the last 12 years or so of his life, I was also preoccupied with trying to support my aged and ailing parents, who lived the other side of the country, and his jealousy of my attentions to them (he was a lot older than me, so the difference between him and my parents was only about 10 years) made me feel torn in two every time I visited them. I have found it very difficult to forgive the lack of support he showed me at that time.
But to outward appearances we were a close and fairly happy couple, as he rarely showed his temper outside the family. And so when he became ill and died at home, which we managed with the support of the GP and palliative care services, most people were convinced that we'd had a very good marriage and were still in love with each other. I've never told anyone the full truth, least of all our close family (stepchildren as well as our own 2, to whom he was a good and loving father), but I am very much happier now that I don't have to tiptoe around on eggshells for fear of triggering an outburst. Perhaps I was too sensitive - he was never physically abusive and between eruptions was a good companion, and we did have many good times especially when the children were small. I would like to be able to remember him with more affection and to edit the bad times out of my mind, but haven't got there yet. It makes me uncomfortable that many of my friends believe I have coped bravely with widowhood and facing life on my own, whereas to some extent it came as a relief.
I don't suppose any of this is much use to the OP, except to say that whether your marriage ends through death, as mine did, or divorce, there is the chance of a happier time on the other side.

indeed!

i’ve been in your position.

Married for 20 years. My opinion it won’t change and if anything will only get worse.

Best thing I ever did was get out was very hard to do but my God was worth it.

Good luck X.

I found that once you begin to disclose this kind of behaviour your at the beginning of your journey to leave.

My previous marriage: when my husband was arrested for abuse of myself and the kids, I was amazed how many neighbours that appeared to have perfect lives just "popped in" to check in on me and offer support. They all ended up pouring out their hearts about what was really going on in their apparently perfect lives.
We found great support and solidarity with each other.

Check out narcissistic traits online and see if he matches. The charming persona in public is part of the manipulation of folk which makes them feel good. They lap up the praise. But inside they are insecure and take that out on the closest to them to help themselves feel better. I experienced it with my ex…charming until married with child.,Then mean and nasty and sulky. Viewing me and our child as a millstone around his neck. We divorced and he then regretted it and now he is very bitter and the nastiness has continued …he harasses me. I’ve had to get court protection to boundary his contact. But I’m far better off away from him …good luck do think about taking some action eg therapy or getting ready for divorce .

The charming twinkly ones are always the ones that "hang their fiddle at the door".

If you left people wouldn't be altogether shocked or surprised.

Sadly, this is how things are in my life. Its like reading the reality of just how bad things are.