You never know what goes on behind closed doors…

[Butterscotchcloudstangerine]

Namechanged.

My marriage isn’t in the best place, and this has been the case for some time. One thing I sometimes think about is how we look from the outside and how most people think DH is such a lovely man - generous, kind, funny, outgoing. He can be all of those things to me, sometimes, and it’s largely how he comes across to the outside world.

But behind doors it’s often different. He’s snappy, mean, and critical. He just lost his temper (again) over a very minor thing tonight, and I am sitting here thinking about what friends and colleagues would say if they saw him behaving like such a dick. I’m not just talking about how we ‘let our guard down’ at home btw, it’s worse. He’s not abusive as such, but just behaving like an asshole.

It’s probably getting worse as he ages, and right now I’m questioning our future. I’m not here for advice on whether or not to leave him as such, but I’m more curious as to if anyone has experienced similar, this ‘outside/inside’ behaviour? My closest know I’m not very happy, and once or twice they’ve seen him get snappy or critical - however, they don’t know the full extent. I can’t even bring myself to tell them some of the comments/behaviour, I am not sure why when they are all loving and supportive.

anyone know what I’m talking about?

Yes, I’ve been where you are. He was the golden boy & could do no wrong. We were married for 17yrs before we got divorced. I never told my kids what sort of man he was, but as they’ve got older, they’ve seen it with their own eyes & are so glad I’m no longer married to their dad.

My father was like that.Outside of the home he was charming,reasonable and gentle.
At home he could be too but if he’d had a bad day or things weren’t going his way,the rage came.As a child you soon learn to keep out of the way if you have any sense.
My poor mum.She had no family and is those days no refuge.
so Yes, I believe you.Dare you challenge him? If not, then it’s abusive behaviour.

I dreamt my ex was having an affair. He said he's not responsible for what I dream about. I was unsettled all day and didn't want to talk to him. I can't remember the time line but yes...

My late father was this, life and soul outside the house, bad tempered and angry inside. He has been dead many decades and I have never missed him. I had thought it was a generational thing (he was born in the '30s) but sadly from reading this thread, it is not

Not read any comments, so forgive me if I repeat anyone’s situation. I had this entirely. I lived with an abusive alcoholic who was the heart of any party. He was angry and frightening when the party ended. When - after some years - I tried to break away, people’s responses were ‘ oh but he’s such fun’ or ‘he’s a lovely man IN THE DAY’.

Yep, my father. The outside world saw a charismatic, funny man who loved his golf and the social side of that. We used to go to his workplace Christmas party for the families, which he organised of course. I was told how wonderful my father was by his colleagues, while I meekly smiled …going along with the lie.

At home, all his frustrations with life came to the fore (career aspirations that didn’t get fulfilled, not where he wanted to be in life, and in a dysfunctional marriage) . He took these frustrations out on me verbally and physically. I was his dog to kick and when he got hold of me all that anger and frustration was channelled into his violence against me. I was thrown around like a rag dog and pulled around by my hair while he hit me. He went on his golf trips while we didn’t get a holiday. So yes, two very different people.

One thing that is also awful about this is that you can never really trust “niceness” afterwards. Now I just assume anyone who seems nice is actually an abuser, and especially anyone I think is nice. Dealing with a man like that erodes your trust in every respect.

It's often coercive control.
The delightful person that people see. But that's because they don't let someone who might pull them up on it see the real person.

The person I was bullied by relied on people thinking "oh but he wouldn't." It's an open secret what he's really like though.
I suspect strongly his wife is abused with coercive control. She said to me when I first met them, that she was dreading him being around much more because he wasn't going to be working away any more. I thought it was just being used to having space to herself. Now I wonder. Nothing I can do though. He's influenced her so she wouldn't talk to me if we bumped into each other.

Oh god yeah. 26 years of mental abuse, gaslighting and coercive control. I mainly stayed for the children. Everyone thought he was a “great bloke/salt of the earth” however he managed to get us 50 grand in debt along the lines. One day something snapped and I left. He managed to convince everyone I’d slept around for years when in actual fact he’d been the unfaithful one. I thought the worst was over when I left but in actual fact I ended up worse off. Somedays I wonder if I’d have done better just putting up with his behaviour? Sometimes I’m not sure whether you’re better leaving or staying. Am I any happier, not really but my head feels free! Good luck op. Whatever choice you make I hope it’s the right one for you…..

My ex husband was Mr Nice Guy to the outside world, different kettle of fish at home. Lazy, entitled and total manipulator. Had an uncanny ability to guilt me in to giving in to his utter selfishness. He rarely spent any time with me or our child but could put on a good performance in public. People thought he was a great dad.

Controlled the purse strings, I had pocket money despite a high income. Never showed anger directly but boy was he passive aggressive. Loads of driving offences. Would sock it to you when no one was looking. Agree to something then do exactly what he wanted.

Got my family and friends onside so I had no support when I finally did leave. They still see me as the bad guy for 'getting rid of a catch'. And a gold digger for fighting for a decent settlement.

Interestingly other men didn't like him, thought he was a bit of a dick. Women loved him, got totally manipulated by him.

He's going through a second separation/ divorce so I don't think they continue to get away with it.

Most abusive relationships are like this. In the case of male to female abuse I would say that sometimes the woman seems a bit "weird" - not that sociable, comes across as a bit distant and people label her unlikeable and wonder what on earth such a charming gregarious man is doing with a dud like her.

Years ago women who were victims of DV were called battered women. We don't use the term anymore but I think it's quite descriptive of what happens to the victim physically and emotionally.

I'm sorry to read all the stories on here of awful men behind closed doors.

One thing I did want to say is that often some people know, they either choose to ignore it or, these days, may be worried and fearful for you. Often women come on Mumsnet and say I can't leave my husband because everyone thinks he's Mr Wonderful. In reality, some people may have clocked him, some people may not support you as they 'believe in marriage' and think you should tough it out, and some may have been wondering why you haven't left already.

One of my male relatives wasn't revealed to be who he was, let's say, til he was in his late forties, but once one part of his behaviour came out, it was like a house of cards, and many friends distanced themselves and other things came out.

I don't think any of my friends' husbands are Mr Wonderful, in fact, I think a couple of them are downright terrible husbands, a couple ok if you want to be married and only one or two out of dozens I've known over the years are quite nice.

At least don't let what others think play too heavily on making decisions for you and the children because those impressions might not be correct or they might have their own agenda (e.g. they also stayed in bad marriages).

Yes. Mr Angry when at home. Least thing made him shout. At me. Even if it was nothing to do with me. Also mean, snide digs, but hey, he was only joking and I didn’t have a sense of humour.
Just because he doesn’t hit you does not mean it isn’t abuse.
Abusers don’t abuse all the time. They have to be nice a lot of the time so you stay, thinking the nasty is temporary. It’s designed to keep you hoping that each episode will be the last, he cares really and the man you fell for is there somewhere. The man you fell for is an illusion. The real person is the abuser.

Kind, helpful, upstanding member of the community outside.

They do get worse as they age.

Definitely share with your close friends, it’s the right thing to do! Saying that, I do struggle sometimes when friends tell me awful things about their partners, ask for my advice/support then stay with them. I’m not talking about abuse situations, more just men being shit, cheating, being crappy dads, showing no love, etc. The number of times I hear “he’s a prick, it’s over” only to hear everything’s hunky dory a week later, gushy posts on Instagram etc… either tell me everything’s fine or follow through with leaving!

Well that was important and many people (in their thousands) died. Yes lockdown exacerbated domestic abuse - you are not wrong. But so do football matches, alcohol, stressful jobs - do you want to abolish those too?

Leave him, I don't know you,, but I'm sure you deserve better. We only have one life, is this the one you want?

Yes, I totally understand your post. At the point I had just about had enough, my ex tried to strangle me. I have PTSD from it. Still affects me. That was 15 years ago.

It’s still abuse. Abuse is not just hitting. Being shit, cheating …Emotional if not physical.
Then there are the carrot on the stick promises, tearful apologies, excuses but assertions, You are THE ONE. Life without you is not an option. I don’t mean to be mean. I’m not angry at you, we just take things out on the nearest person and you are the nearest but it’s not your fault. I won’t do it again.
Let’s have a meal out, an early night, plan a holiday somewhere you want to go, find that kitchen I have been promising for 20 years. Please forgive me, I love you soooo much.
So we stay, hoping it was a blip…every marriage has ups and downs, doesn’t it? The lovely kind caring man I fell for is back. We will be ok. I just need to try harder not to annoy him.

Most abused women go back an average of 7 times before leaving for good. Having the strength to leave the first time….well there’s the thing. They wear away your self esteem, make you feel you can’t cope alone. Maybe there are financial constraints, children, finding somewhere to go. Gaslighting, manipulation, the walking on eggshells, feeling trapped.

My DH is the same, but I haven't told anyone about him. One time he was being his usual self for like the 3rd day in a row, I was crying while he shouted etc, and the neighbours called the police. At the time I was so used to it, I didn't know it was domestic abuse.

If I were you, I'd look online for the definition of domestic abuse. Pretend that you will film him and that you will report to the police, and you will see that he will calm down :)

My father was a compulsive gambler and this very much controlled his moods although he didn't really need an excuse or encouragement to become verbally and physically abusive to my poor Mum. 😠This was in the 1950's/60's when there just wasn't much recognition of 'domestic abuse', if a woman went to the police for help they just smiled indulgently and sent her home! 😡
We lived in London and he worked in what was known as Gentleman's Outfitters like Aquascutum and Simpson's of Piccadilly, which were very up market (clothes for posh blokes!)..he was good looking and well spoken, charming and very well thought of by everyone outside of the home...Mum's family knew what he was like from early on in the marriage but never did anything to try and help her, the subject was considered embarrassing and therefore taboo 😥
My male older cousins had no idea what mine and my younger brother's childhood was like and to this day they still say that they 'loved their Uncle Jim, he was such good fun and always gave them money, which of course he couldn't afford and should have been given to my Mum for rent and bills as she practically had to beg him for anything as he just wanted to go to 'the dogs' or wherever else he gambled. 😏
I understand that the OP doesn't (at the moment 🙄) suffer from physical violence from her DH and it angers and saddens but doesn't surprise me that so many men still have this same Jekyll & Hyde personality and I can only assume that misogyny is far more ingrained in the psyche of the male of the species than we care to admit? Scary and sad but has to be challenged or nothing will ever change!

I've reported mine to police under clares law for emotional abuse 😔 not enough evidence for arrest or anything. I'm still in the house til I can get out.

My other half is a performative Father and Husband. Everyone thinks he’s so great and engaging and happy. When no one is around he is just awful - shouty, critical, over reactive, controlling and angry. I’m trying to leave him which is difficult as I’ve allowed myself (young kids) to become financially trapped and no one understands my reasons. If he’s willing get into Psychotherapy now to flesh it out and see if it can be saved

I moved to the States for DH.. from the outside looking in, all looked really good… one night, out of nowhere, a chair was raised above my head. Scary stuff… thought he was going to kill me… the red flag that wouldn’t go away… 20 years on, divorced and happy … listen ti your gut feeling. This is your life and not a dress rehearsal - stay safe. Get out when you can… I am so thankful that I did.

@AzureOrca my husband is a bit Jekyll and Hyde too - he can be extremely nice and caring much of the time , but finds it hard to control his temper if anything sets him off - which it does 'a lot' --- work, other drivers, internet down - can be all sorts some big, some totally trivial - his frustration isn't always anything to do with me at all - but as I'm in the vicinity it's impossible not to feel on edge as it's quite OTT - and I'm not at all a shouty person