You never know what goes on behind closed doors…

[Butterscotchcloudstangerine]

Namechanged.

My marriage isn’t in the best place, and this has been the case for some time. One thing I sometimes think about is how we look from the outside and how most people think DH is such a lovely man - generous, kind, funny, outgoing. He can be all of those things to me, sometimes, and it’s largely how he comes across to the outside world.

But behind doors it’s often different. He’s snappy, mean, and critical. He just lost his temper (again) over a very minor thing tonight, and I am sitting here thinking about what friends and colleagues would say if they saw him behaving like such a dick. I’m not just talking about how we ‘let our guard down’ at home btw, it’s worse. He’s not abusive as such, but just behaving like an asshole.

It’s probably getting worse as he ages, and right now I’m questioning our future. I’m not here for advice on whether or not to leave him as such, but I’m more curious as to if anyone has experienced similar, this ‘outside/inside’ behaviour? My closest know I’m not very happy, and once or twice they’ve seen him get snappy or critical - however, they don’t know the full extent. I can’t even bring myself to tell them some of the comments/behaviour, I am not sure why when they are all loving and supportive.

anyone know what I’m talking about?

Oh I totally understand this! Not denying any of it. It’s just extremely difficult to be the friend who listens, cries, offers advice, calls out the man for his shitty behaviour…only to be invited over for lunch the next weekend and everyone’s gone back to acting lovey dovey. It’s just so much pressure to constantly pretend to like someone you’ve heard vile things about (again nothing scary, just a guy who gets drunk and starts kissing other women on nights out, for example). And I guess sometimes I don’t feel like the effort is being appreciated.

@Butterscotchcloudstangerine yes I know exactly what you are talking about.

My ex husband used to put on a great show to the outside world but behind closed doors he was a violent, tight and nasty man.

When I left him so many of our close friends and family were shocked, all they kept saying was how we were perfect together and what a great catch he was.

My departing words to them were, that you never know what goes on behind closed doors and I still stand by that.

I’m sorry you are going through this, looking back I wish I had exposed him to the world so they could see the real him xx

Better to tell him you did film him and gave a copy to a friend and a solicitor in case he keeps doing it and you need evidence for the police. I did that. Pretended to have given recordings of his abuse to a solicitor after I left so he would not come after me. He kept begging me to get them back.

OP’s describing a classic covert narcissist

I understand that. It must be very wearing. I’ve only had that once and not a close friend, so no need to be in a position for a repeat, sympathetic as I am. They probably do appreciate the chance to unload though.

Yes. 100% DH has said to me that the woman he works with have commented how in love we look. He enjoys public displays of affection but behind closed doors he has a different side and can be mean and cruel at times. I do remember my midwife asking a question early on - a standard question to check on welfare - is your husband kind to you? I told my mum about the question and she answered- did you tell her no he’s not? He’s always criticising you? So she must have picked up on stuff not being right. My friend has mentioned (who knows things aren’t good) a couple of comments I’ve made that made her believe that I wasn’t happy so maybe people pick up on more than we think?

I had an ex who was gregarious and hilarious when we socialised. Other people gathered around him like moths to a flame, and used to say 'oh, it must be a laugh a minute being married to *'. It wasn't. At home, I guess I just wasn't enough of an audience to try to impress, and he was morose and silent. At best he dozed in his armchair, at worst he was such miserable company that I became anxious and ill. Eventually I left and never looked back, and it was only after I got into a healthy relationship that I realised how manipulative and damaging my ex's behaviour had been. There are other forms of abuse than physical.

I don't like that we don't have a like button on here- I'm not thanking posters when I press that button, I'm agreeing or sympathising.

I have to agree. Unfortunately there are some ghastly bullying boors who have an external respectable social veneer. In private they’re nasty in public charming & charismatic

This Charming Man by Marian Keyes describes this beautifully.

I've experienced this... look up jekyll and Hyde behaviour you may get a shock if you are experiencing anything mentioned and unaware of this type of person I did. Hugs

I know exactly what you mean OP. During the last 3 or 4 years of our marriage,my ex- husband (we've been divorced for over 20 years) was Mr. Nice Guy to everyone except me. Nothing was too much trouble for him where friends and family were concerned. But when it came to me expecting help/support with something,forget it. He was rude, sarcastic,belittling and worst of all,unkind towards me behind closed doors. The trouble was,that when I tried to confide in people close to me (my best friend and my DM) they were sceptical to the point of not believing me. All they saw was his congenial behaviour towards them and everyone else. So I suppose it didn't really come as a big surprise when,after 13 years of marriage,as I was recovering from a major life-changing illness,I discovered that he'd been having an affair for some time. Apparently,me being ill was 'all too much for him'. Thankfully,I think this opened my DM's and best friend's eyes and they apologised for their sceptism and said that they should really have seen what was going on. But my ex-H was a charmer and managed to pull the wool over their eyes.

When you're in a toxic relationship, it's very easy to think that "it can't possibly be me" and that "this other person is the problem", I would guess that pretty much everyone has that same initial reaction.
It's only when you've sat down and thought about it, that you realise that maybe you're the one who's been the asshole and that it's not quite as one-sided as you'd previously thought. I'm not suggesting in this situation that is necessarily the case, but more often than not, it does take two to argue.
My ex was an absolute nightmare, but they never once accepted that they were just as much to blame, if not more so. I just believed that I was the problem because that's what they kept telling me.
I only learned that it wasn't quite as clear-cut when I found someone new who wasn't a complete twat. My relationship now still isn't perfect, but my self-esteem has dramatically improved.

Yes

How he gets into her head by Don Hennessy

Absolutely understand what you're going through and sympathise.
I ended my relationship last year. He was charming, charismatic, kind etc to the outside world. Sometimes he could act like that with me too but most of the time he would try and cause a row and turn everything round on me. He'd tell me my outfit looked awful after we'd already left the house so I spent the rest of the day/night out feeling self conscious. If I bought something new, he would say he didn't like that brand but if someone else complimented me, he would agree with them and say how lovely it was. He used to jump up and pay in front of everyone when we were out, then later in private tell me how much I owed him so everyone thought he paid for everything. He would never apologise as such but sometimes would say sorry YOU took it that way. I have Crohn's and he knew a trigger would be if I had no access to a toilet. I'd get to his house after an hour's drive. He'd know what time I was getting there and he'd purposely be out at the pub. He'd say he'd be 5 minutes (or just not answer phone) but it never was just 5 minutes. He'd turn up and I'd be upset and panicking and he'd say I was overreacting and I could have just gone next door if I was desperate. I barely knew the neighbour! When he had an off stomach he said I wasn't sympathetic enough!
Individual things would look like nothing if I tried to bring them up or spoke to anyone about them but when all put together it was emotional abuse. When I ended it, he put cryptic messages on Facebook to make everyone think I'd cheated.
It's a miserable way to live.

This thread is giving me 'Behind closed doors' by BA Paris vibes.
I guess you never really know what is going on with someone or between people.
I know a guy who everyone thinks is amazing and very sweet but occasionally I have seen glimpses of something darker. I do wonder if his partner is one of the women posting here.

I wish you all well and you deserve the best. Never forget it x

Are you married to my ex partner?!!

I'd seriously start thinking about what you're prepared to tolerate because the longer it goes on the worse it gets. I don't think it's even an age thing - it's more the length of time and the same issues that gradually wear you down.

When you reach the point of no return is when you start to seriously question your own self worth and sanity, it shouldn't be like that.

Thanks for your message. I have posted here before about his behaviour l. I don't want to go into it and derail the thread and take attention off the OP. I just wanted to share my view

Sounds absolutely sole destroying
I'm sending a hug your way.

How long has it been going on ?

Has he always been like this? Or is it something that's just getting worse the longer that you've been together?

It’s a minefield trying to understand his behaviour towards you.
Is he aware of the hurt and damage that he's causing ?
Sounds like he needs professional help.
Can you have a honest conversation safely with him?

Is going to see his GP with you and get him checked out
Is his mental /physical health good ?

Has he got something on his mind Is he stressed does he have a toxic work environment, financial pressures ?
Or is he just a bully.

Either way, what ever is going on within him he needs to know that when he behaves like this towards you regardless of what the causes are
you don't have to put up with it and you're to immediately to stop accepting him treating you so meanly.

Talking therapy's could help you both

He needs to be put straight by either you or someone else ( only you know who's best placed to do this.)
As for you:

1. You need to confide with someone impartial who can help you.
2. Decide who's available for you to confide in about your situation and who has helpful information for you

Would you consider a conversation with your GP or practice nurse ?

You're not alone please get support xx

i totally agree. Disclosing it (even if online) is part of coming to terms with what it is, identifying it, considering the situ and the alternative options, then making a plan to extract from the situation. Its a process. Sometimes a long process.

I have recently split from my husband who is the same, to everyone else he is this chatty social nice guy but at home he is silent mostly on his phone but can is normally aggressive loud and horrible to me if i dare challenge him or have a different opinion. Recently been going through hell with depression and although to everyone else he was like i really care about her to me offered no support was mean and made me feel 10 times
worse. He has even gone to great lengths recently to break me (that's a whole other story no psyical abuse but mental) but now he is gone from my home i have really started to build my self esteem back, feel healthier and stronger he will not defeat me... its draining, it takes your soul away and you become someone you don't recognise. Be strong and do what you need to to feel happy xx

I have stories.

My first husband was like this. After we separated I found out he was telling people I was mentally fragile and couldn't handle any stress and making himself out to be a doting and protective husband.

One of my bosses was a devoted husband and father. Very aware of women's issues and women's health issues in particular, and good buddies with another guy who was much the same. Until it came out he was using employer's funds to arrange regular trysts with his married lover in another city. He was demoted and shifted sideways into a career dead-end when it came to light.
His buddy (a genuinely devoted husband and father with genuine principles) was so outraged he severed all ties.
He thinks he's got away with it because his wife stayed but she is making plans to separate and take her share once their daughter has graduated high school.
No-one who actually knows him is actually surprised because we all wondered how much of the goody-two shoes act was an act.

DH used to be very abusive emotionally and slowly became shouting and physical. He used to say no one will ever believe me if I share with other people what he says or does in private. I felt vulnerable and trapped, these things got worse during pandemic.

I felt like I needed to talk to people and started sharing, and not only that, but I told him I'm sharing private stuff with other people. He was so upset by it that he completely calmed down. He needs to maintain that image of a 'great guy'.

When DD is older I'm leaving him. We are very civil now and we are a good team in raising our DD.