Do you feel guilty for having an affair?

[fantalemom]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this one.

Around a year ago I met a man on fab swingers. I was only looking for a bit of fun and we seemed to get on well. He made it clear that he was married which I chose to ignore. It's not the first time he's had an affair. He cheated on his wife when they lived in London, she found out, forgave him and they moved back to my home town. They only live around the corner.

We ended up seeing each other for around 4 months. I liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. It was mostly sexual chemistry and the thrill I think. He became very clingy towards the end, constantly texting, double texting if I didn't reply quick enough. It felt like having a controlling boyfriend and I got the "ick". I realised how pathetic he was. I ended up blocking him with no explanation and haven't spoken to him since. I think about him sometimes and feel guilty. His wife deserves better, that goes without saying. It's not something I would entertain again and I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that.

I can't punish myself forever though, can I? How did you make peace with it?

If anyone married is on any sort of swinging, dating site, then you're looking for it.

It's not any sort of random chance thing.

Either feel guilty and carry on, or give it up. 🤷‍♀️

Do I feel guilty that I had an affair. No I don't. It's what probably saved my life because it finally gave me the courage to leave my abusive exh because if he didn't kill me I would have killed myself.

It’s a tale as old as time and I don’t judge anyone.

Oh poor you….
Karma will get you one day.
What goes around comes around.

As a recovering scorned & broken woman I hope and pray that selfish entitled people like you one day get to feel the full force of similar pain.
Women should have each other’s backs not go around stabbing them. Whether you know them or not is irrelevant. This should haunt you and him forever. I’d recommend you keep looking over your shoulder. Personally, time has passed I am still seeking revenge.

He obviously must never be trusted and deserves no second chances.

You’re a glutton for punishment to post on here 😂
just move on a forget about it

You want men to be faithful only due to lack of opportunity? How depressing.

My friend had a similar experience.
And im very glad she did. The guy would have killed her at some point (he hit her badly enough that she miscarried….)

Lots of men are faithful; why let your mother's cynicism inform your view?

I think there’s a special place in hell for you and I hope karma fucks you up on the daily

Women should have each other’s backs not go around stabbing them. Whether you know them or not is irrelevant

I honestly get this, @SomersetS, but genuinely don't understand the appeal of chasing a married man (and certainly not this way) when there's no shortage of singles

Some would say "ah, but not decent singles", but it hardly seems an answer when this kind of guy isn't going to be decent either

I had several affairs, but mostly because my husband was abusive, controlling and I couldn’t leave. He controlled my finances and who I was friends with, turning my family against me too. Now we are long divorced, I do not regret having those affairs. They got me through a very difficult time, and I feel like he deserved it - although I never told him.

Agree. There isn’t exactly a surplus of good quality single men out there but that isn’t a reason to jump into bed with someone you know is a lying cheat

Controversial but I think you need to practically "punish" yourself for it. You haven't had any negative consequences for doing this, of course you are going to feel guilty. And telling anonymous strangers online isn't going to do anything. Resolve never to do it again and tell a close friend or family member what you did and ask them to keep you accountable to not doing it again. Then you might feel better as you have "paid for it" in a sense by facing up to someone's judgement and disappointment, and you will be on a better path to not do it again.

You were using a site called fab swingers. Who did you expect to meet if not an already attached man. Why were you even using that particular site unless you were in a relationship yourself. How can you be a swinger if your single surely that's just a regular single person 🤔

Yeah and without the sex workers there would be no prostitution but here we are! Are the sex workers also responsible for home wrecking if they know the paying man is married?
I never leave any doubt to any man that I could be available for anything more than a friendship - if I don’t let anyone in no one think there’s even that option.
yeah it’s not great if you’re the OW and usually the OW pays the price too (unless you’re Camilla 🤣) but like PP nicely said - he opened the door, he looked for the affair.

I wish life was that simple and everyone got their karma😀
maybe a controversial one but what don’t we see the OW doing us a favour so we can see who HE really is and don’t waste our life on him (unless we choose to). Don’t get me wrong I hated the woman my ex fiancé had an affair with BUT thanks to that I ended up with a much better man for the rest of my life! She did me a favour (I still hate her)

You’re brave posting this on here. You’re not a victim

🤣🤣🤣 Ridiculous, it takes two.

This reminds me of a discussion I had with my parebts when I was a teen.
Big thing about how it takes two to cheat and nearly painting the guy as a poor victim.
I remember telling my parebts that I didn’t get it. No one had put a gun on this guy head so why was he a victim? Why is it the woman’s fault/she is as bd as him etc…
Big silence…

(Yes my dad had cheated and this was my mum’s -and my dad’s- way of rationalising everything)

I still see it as the man’s issue. He is the cheater. He gets the blame.
The woman who still welcome him? As far as I’m concerned, they need counselling and to work in their self esteem if they think the guy is a price/good enough and/or they can’t get a better partner than that.
Obviously not talking about the ones he lied to, manipulated etc….

But some couples are happy to be swingers. Both of them.
Its not because you’re a swinger than you’re cheating!

If you really do feel guilty and you live it, then if you are anything like me it will live with you forever. I have suffered depression for years, received loads of counselling, I look at those I've hurt and have realised it wasn't worth it. If I die in this state, I will have deserved it.

I don't really understand why you don't feel guilty, if you would be heartbroken if the tables were turned. You've betrayed your husband and rejected your lover , for no real reason. Only a psychopath wouldn't punish themselves over this.

I hope it makes you feel bad forever. Because I will never not feel bad about my husbands affair. I think of it every day two years later. I get horrific visuals of them together after having seen the texts. It destroyed my world. I have scars from wrist to elbow and spent several weeks in a mental ward. I have therapy twice a week to deal with the mess he made and she knew he was married with kids before it started just like you.

you should feel bad.

I would not feel guilty at all. He was the married one, he's responsible for his choices. Let's stop blaming the woman when a man cheats on his wife. I have never been with a married man, and I never would, simply because I'd hate to be 'the other woman' (like Madonna said, don't go for second best, baby) but I would not feel guilty if I did. You can't force a man to have an affair, if he chooses not to. I think those women whose husbands have had affairs, find it easier to blame a 'temptress' who forced their man to cheat on them, rather than admitting the man was responsible for his own decisions... a cheater will cheat, regardless of the woman/women around him!

Clearly you weren't cut out to be fab swinger and neither was he Forgive yourself ditch the guilt and learn from the experience