Do you feel guilty for having an affair?

[fantalemom]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this one.

Around a year ago I met a man on fab swingers. I was only looking for a bit of fun and we seemed to get on well. He made it clear that he was married which I chose to ignore. It's not the first time he's had an affair. He cheated on his wife when they lived in London, she found out, forgave him and they moved back to my home town. They only live around the corner.

We ended up seeing each other for around 4 months. I liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. It was mostly sexual chemistry and the thrill I think. He became very clingy towards the end, constantly texting, double texting if I didn't reply quick enough. It felt like having a controlling boyfriend and I got the "ick". I realised how pathetic he was. I ended up blocking him with no explanation and haven't spoken to him since. I think about him sometimes and feel guilty. His wife deserves better, that goes without saying. It's not something I would entertain again and I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that.

I can't punish myself forever though, can I? How did you make peace with it?

That is so awful and I am sorry you had to endure that. I hope you’re ok.

I suppose that's the starkest consequence of infidelity; an STD. Putting your health at risk. Unforgivable.

Oh ffs! You cannot diagnose someone with a personality disorder from the fact they had an affair. You don’t know any of these people personally - nor- I would hazard a guess, are you qualified to do so even if you did know them personally. Loads of people have affairs for loads of reasons - surely you don’t believe every single person involved in an affair from whether married or affair partner is a sociopath or a narcissist?

The sort of shit you are spouting does more harm than good.

I’d feel pissed off that I was in a committed relationship with someone who was a cheat - who with is irrelevant. I trusted him and he proved me wrong by betraying that trust. Whatever person he did it with doesn’t matter to me. They didn’t make me any promises.

In this instance you are the horror. I wonder would you be so vicious if the person was in front of you? Would you tell one of the women you help fleeing from domestic abuse - who perhaps had an exit affair to help her leave that relationship that she’s morally bankrupt? A terrible person? I’ll bet you wouldn’t! And rightly so. The thing with being or a moral Clydesdale is that it’s a long fall off!

Ok sweetheart 😂 Touched a nerve did I? Yes I would be so vicious if it was in a personal setting and asked my opinion. I would tell them straight to their face. No problem. In a professional setting I would be professional. I would most likely pass on a client to someone better suited to work with them. You don’t have to agree with me and I don’t care if you don’t. You think I’m a horror, good. Stay away from me then.

I'm going to start a drinking game - every time someone says morally bankrupt. Morals are a social construct.

She literally says she would pass on working with people who had a affairs and let colleagues help them. She's living her convictions. I'm not sure why you would feel sorry for any of the women. They're still helped.

😂😂😂😂😂 Seems like I did touch a nerve

😂

It is what it is.
Not a nice thing to do, however, it's done, looks like you're unlikely to do it again and therefore a valuable lesson learned.
Make your piece by telling yourself, shit happens, I won't do it again, put it behind you, move on & be glad you arent his wife!

Tho- karma May one day teach you her own lesson 😫

Thank you.

It was a long, long time ago but just shows how it’s not all fun and games.

Exactly.

I think whomever cheated on you to make you so bitter really doesnt know or probably care about the damage they have caused. Apart from the obvious pain you are in you must be exhausted trying to keep up that judgemental facade of yours. People who have affairs are just that - people- who are human and make mistakes. It’s sad that you state you are professional and help woman however you judge them so harshly. I believe you pass on helping women who have had affairs. How do you do your job when you are so bitter?!

This is what I don't understand. How is it mistake to repeatedly fuck someone else's partner or husband? When you know they're with someone else and repeatedly get into bed with them, it's not a mistake. It's a choice. And people make choices because they get a payoff.

Nope. Never been cheated on. I’m not bitter because you can’t be bitter about something that’s never happened to you personally. Unless you’re psychic and have some kind of knowledge that I’m not privy to? So, throw all that made up crap at me to try and get a rise if you like but it won’t work because I don’t care about you, at all. Not even one little bit. You’re meaningless to me. I’m allowed to have a strong opinion even if you don’t agree with it. You’re allowed to think it’s fine to cheat and I don’t have to agree with you. That’s how the world works. If you want to know how I do professionally, I’ll tell you……..
Very well. I am excellent at my job. I’ve helped so many women over the years. I’m very proud of that. When you train to work with vulnerable people in any kind of supportive role, you should learn that you will from time to time come into contact with clients you can’t work with for whatever reason. This is guaranteed. If that’s the case you should be honest and refer the client on to another professional who can actually help them. That’s actually the most supportive and caring you can be for that client. So yes, I am very happy with my professional performance because I know I always do my absolute best for my clients, even those I’m unable to work with.

You'll get so much shit on here. But HE is the one who felt guilty. If it hadn't have been you it would've been someone else. Don't beat yourself up. Just move on

Bullshit.

I also asked how it was "a mistake" betterangels - no response of course

Some seem to be forgetting that this wasn't some guy she met at random and kind of hoped he didn't already have a partner ... it was on a bloody swingers' site FGS, which almost by definition involves people in committed relationships looking for a kick (hence why it used to be called wife swapping)

Come to that I'm not even sure how she got in ... aren't you supposed to go with a partner in the first place?

Totally agree. People who say “I made a mistake, I’m only human” are still at least partly stuck in avoidance, minimization and denial. Mistakes are accidental. Affairs are deliberately hurtful choices.

Do you two want to take your bun fight to private messages? It’s boring for everyone else.

Sorry. I meant. HE is the one who should feel guilty

I think your purse analogy is invalid too.

If there's a purse laying on the pavement chock full of £20 notes with someones bank cards etc, anyone with a moral compass would hand it in somewhere, but you decide to take it because well, someone else is going to do anyway. That's your reasoning and logic

The owner of the purse put it on the pavement and invited people to take it.

In other words, this man put himself on the swingers website and invited women to take him.

... this man put himself on the swingers website and invited women to take him

That's perfectly true, @WonderfulUsername, and if it was his wife who'd posted we'd no doubt all be saying that it's her he made a commitment to

But it's not; instead the OP's someone who chose to pick up a married man from some grubby site, so naturally the posts will be slightly different