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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this the behavior of an adult man?

173 replies

Adri4 · 26/11/2024 11:30

Hi there! We met on a dating site. We talked for 2 months, he said that he fell in love with me, compliments every day, that he was afraid of losing me, that I am the one whom he wanted all his life and he wants kids with me. We live on different continents, he said he wanted to come see me after he saw me on a video call. At first he said that he would come in 2 months, but now he says in 4 months. The guy constantly wanted to talk to me via video, but I have work, I have other things to do, I can get sick, I’m a living person, but he continued to insist, although he saw that such pressure was stressing me out. Moreover, there was no trust in him, if he were really in love, he would have come to see me long ago. Relations began to get worse. Then he disappeared for 2 weeks, came back and said that he had a lot on his mind. I forgave him, but the relationship cooled. Trust is gone. He admitted that his ex showed up, but he just talked to her and gave her advice in a difficult situation, although she wants to get the relationship back but he said he doesn’t want her in his life, she cheated on him. One day he asked if I could talk via video today, I said that I could in an hour or tomorrow, he replied, “choose it yourself, im home”, later I texted that I was ready to talk, he said that he would be home in 15 minutes, he came and texted that he was ready to talk, after 5 minutes I called via video call, and he picked up the phone without a video call, just like a regular call and said that he had to get out, he was in the car, and said “sorry it didn’t work out today, let’s do it tomorrow.” I turned off the video, then texted “I thought you’re home” “next time be more specific in time”, he wrote “you are very difficult” I replied “yes, you can’t handle me, find someone easier” he replied that he's done talking to me and blocked me. Is this the behavior of an adult 43 year old man?

OP posts:
Adri4 · 26/11/2024 12:01

TwistedWonder · 26/11/2024 11:36

Very short answer - NO

Longer answer - more red flags than a communist party rally in Moscow on May Day

Block block block block block

Haha, thank you !

OP posts:
cgwmtl · 26/11/2024 12:05

Scammer wanting money or a visa to whatever country you are living in.
Get him blocked on everything.

Dweetfidilove · 26/11/2024 12:07

I guess the scammers, lovebombers, future fakers etc are adult men, but it doesn't matter.

What matters is that a man deserving of you, your time and energy does not behave in this way, so move on. You shouldn't need to forgive someone you haven't even properly met, so this is a non-starter.

Like @Comedycook , I'm worried you're vulnerable or at least likely to make an poor relationship choice if continue entertaining this foolery.

Adri4 · 26/11/2024 12:09

Comedycook · 26/11/2024 11:59

Because talking online to a man in a different continent who you have never met and describing it as a relationship is really not usual behaviour. Moreover, were you not mightily suspicious when he said he loved you?

He didn’t say he loves me, he said he likes me and Im someone he wants to be with.. And also I told him that when he comes we wont have sex… And he agreed with that. Also on the first day of talking, he texted to me his fantasies of how we had sex, I said that he was violating my boundaries and I don’t like that. Perhaps he used me to not feel lonely and to receive my feminine energy (I am very feminine), and when he found someone nearby he decided to break up.

OP posts:
Adri4 · 26/11/2024 12:09

cgwmtl · 26/11/2024 12:05

Scammer wanting money or a visa to whatever country you are living in.
Get him blocked on everything.

No, he lives in the US

OP posts:
Adri4 · 26/11/2024 12:10

Dweetfidilove · 26/11/2024 12:07

I guess the scammers, lovebombers, future fakers etc are adult men, but it doesn't matter.

What matters is that a man deserving of you, your time and energy does not behave in this way, so move on. You shouldn't need to forgive someone you haven't even properly met, so this is a non-starter.

Like @Comedycook , I'm worried you're vulnerable or at least likely to make an poor relationship choice if continue entertaining this foolery.

Thanks a lot !!

OP posts:
TheTruthICantSay · 26/11/2024 12:10

Yes, he is probably going to to ask for money. or exploit you in some other way. I am afraid you do sound vulnerable - you are inexperienced in relaptionships and seem to be quite naive - he wants your "feminine energy"? He will be looking for money from you, or similar.

Adri4 · 26/11/2024 12:13

TheTruthICantSay · 26/11/2024 12:10

Yes, he is probably going to to ask for money. or exploit you in some other way. I am afraid you do sound vulnerable - you are inexperienced in relaptionships and seem to be quite naive - he wants your "feminine energy"? He will be looking for money from you, or similar.

I was naive , yes, but at least he gave me some experience that I needed…

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 26/11/2024 12:14

Adri4 · 26/11/2024 12:09

He didn’t say he loves me, he said he likes me and Im someone he wants to be with.. And also I told him that when he comes we wont have sex… And he agreed with that. Also on the first day of talking, he texted to me his fantasies of how we had sex, I said that he was violating my boundaries and I don’t like that. Perhaps he used me to not feel lonely and to receive my feminine energy (I am very feminine), and when he found someone nearby he decided to break up.

You do sound extremely naive and vulnerable OP. How old are you?

Id say that 99.9% of women wouldn’t have engaged with this bloke after the first couple of messages but you continued to ignore glaring red flags for two months.

Watch Love Rats on Netflix before you even think about chatting to anyone else online.

olivesandpombears · 26/11/2024 12:15

He doesn't sound like a man, sounds more like an AI scambot honestly 😅

Adri4 · 26/11/2024 12:17

TwistedWonder · 26/11/2024 12:14

You do sound extremely naive and vulnerable OP. How old are you?

Id say that 99.9% of women wouldn’t have engaged with this bloke after the first couple of messages but you continued to ignore glaring red flags for two months.

Watch Love Rats on Netflix before you even think about chatting to anyone else online.

I’m 27 , not that young but I’ve always been very picky… waiting for the right one.. yeah, sure )))

Thanks for the advice , I’ll watch it

OP posts:
Silenus · 26/11/2024 12:19

Adri4 · 26/11/2024 12:09

He didn’t say he loves me, he said he likes me and Im someone he wants to be with.. And also I told him that when he comes we wont have sex… And he agreed with that. Also on the first day of talking, he texted to me his fantasies of how we had sex, I said that he was violating my boundaries and I don’t like that. Perhaps he used me to not feel lonely and to receive my feminine energy (I am very feminine), and when he found someone nearby he decided to break up.

OK, now I’m with those who think you’re dangerously naive, probably very young, and vulnerable in some way. Agree with a pp that 99% of women wouldn’t have engaged past the first message or two, and yet you wasted two months on him when you could have been finding an actual relationship with someone who lives on the same landmass!

MrsSlocombesCat · 26/11/2024 12:21

Adri4 · 26/11/2024 12:09

He didn’t say he loves me, he said he likes me and Im someone he wants to be with.. And also I told him that when he comes we wont have sex… And he agreed with that. Also on the first day of talking, he texted to me his fantasies of how we had sex, I said that he was violating my boundaries and I don’t like that. Perhaps he used me to not feel lonely and to receive my feminine energy (I am very feminine), and when he found someone nearby he decided to break up.

You literally said he told you he was falling in love with you! The lovebombing is very typical of scammers. As is the out in out in manipulation. He doesn’t live in the US - I bet in reality he’s in Lagos.

Adri4 · 26/11/2024 12:22

Silenus · 26/11/2024 12:19

OK, now I’m with those who think you’re dangerously naive, probably very young, and vulnerable in some way. Agree with a pp that 99% of women wouldn’t have engaged past the first message or two, and yet you wasted two months on him when you could have been finding an actual relationship with someone who lives on the same landmass!

But I thought I was protecting myself by saying I wouldn't have sex before something serious... And he lives in the US , he doesn’t need any visa or citizenship..

OP posts:
Comedycook · 26/11/2024 12:25

Adri4 · 26/11/2024 12:09

No, he lives in the US

And what makes you think this is true?

TheTruthICantSay · 26/11/2024 12:25

How is saying "no sex before it's serious" protecting yourself?

And if he's in the US, then of course he needs a visa... if he wants to move to the UK. Or money. Or a job. Or just someone to send him sexually explicit materia....

Illpickthatup · 26/11/2024 12:27

This sounds like the start of a netflix documentary. Please just block him.

TwistedWonder · 26/11/2024 12:29

Any photos he’s sent you put in Google reverse image search see if they’re actually him.

Did you FaceTime?

Sia8899 · 26/11/2024 12:33

Unfortunately I don't think there was any chance of him coming over to meet you.
On what platform did you meet him if he lives in the US?
There are several romance scam documentaries on Netflix that would be helpful to watch so you can be alert for red flags and the way people are manipulated. I think you might be a bit more vulnerable than you think if you believed this guy's love bombing and him telling you he loves you after two months of not meeting

TheShellBeach · 26/11/2024 12:35

Why do you keep answering him?
Just ignore any attempts he makes to contact you.

TheShellBeach · 26/11/2024 12:37

Adri4 · 26/11/2024 12:22

But I thought I was protecting myself by saying I wouldn't have sex before something serious... And he lives in the US , he doesn’t need any visa or citizenship..

They all say they live in the US!

Have a look at some Social Catfish videos on YouTube.

And do a reverse Google image search on his photos.

Stop responding! FFS just ignore him. He's probably a series of men, based somewhere in an African country.

TheShellBeach · 26/11/2024 12:40

Perhaps he used me to not feel lonely and to receive my feminine energy (I am very feminine), and when he found someone nearby he decided to break up

He decided to break up?
You were never in a relationship!

OP you're terribly naive. Protect yourself and stop answering this scammer.

Adri4 · 26/11/2024 12:53

I checked his social, he lives in the US. And everything he told me about his family it’s true. And he even never asked about my job, my family, I don’t know why he brought me back so many times after I blocked him , what was the point

OP posts:
Adri4 · 26/11/2024 12:55

TheShellBeach · 26/11/2024 12:37

They all say they live in the US!

Have a look at some Social Catfish videos on YouTube.

And do a reverse Google image search on his photos.

Stop responding! FFS just ignore him. He's probably a series of men, based somewhere in an African country.

I checked his social, he lives in the US. And everything he told me about his family it’s true. And he even never asked about my job, my family, I don’t know why he brought me back so many times after I blocked him , what was the point? To Blocked me eventually?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 26/11/2024 12:55

Adri4 · 26/11/2024 12:53

I checked his social, he lives in the US. And everything he told me about his family it’s true. And he even never asked about my job, my family, I don’t know why he brought me back so many times after I blocked him , what was the point

He could just be using another man's photo FGS.

So when you check it, it goes to a real person. Even though the real person is a series of men in Lagos or Abuja.

Wise up @Adri4 and learn the ways of these scammers.