Sister in law asks to have my baby overnight

[Pearlrosepeach]

Hi, I'm early 20s, have a 9 month old baby

Ex partner (babys father) and I haven't been together since baby was about 4 months old

Co parenting was hell at first. We had friends and family doing the hand overs etc. Fast forward a few months we are in a much better place and get on great as co parents! I couldn't ask for it to be any better.

My sons father has only ever had him over night once. He doesn't do over nights due to working early hours. But he has his own days and times where he sees baby and it all works out best for us, we are happy this way.

Anyway my sons fathers sister has messaged me 2 days ago (I still haven't replied) asking if she can have my son over night one night, which I'm not really comfortable with anyone having over night at the moment with my son. He's in a lovely routine at the moment, dinner. Bath bed etc.

But not just that, my sons father and his sister do not get along themselves so in the message she said "we will keep it a secret" meaning let's not tell my sons father.

To be honest I'm not happy about this either, as she witnessed out co parenting at the begining when it was hell, and for her now to see that we are finally getting on great for our son. To then ask me to lie to his father! No I'm not happy about about this

What do u guys think.. also if you have or had a baby at one point when did you let them do over nights, just for the sake of it.. I mean it's not even like I've got plans myself that I'd need a baby sitter.. it's very random, why not take my son out to a park or somthing why do u need an over night

Thanks for the reply everyone. I understand I haven't said a straight "no" but you'd think she would take the hint and stop going on about it. She can clearly see I'm not jumping for joy over the idea

Hints don't work ... saying a clear no will work .

Why don't you tell her that then? Why pretend it's because you haven't got a travel cot?

Why can't you just say NO?

You just have to give a clear and direct no and remember that you don't need to explain yourself to anyone.

She's got a different personality to you. Some people are naturally inclined to be very persuasive to the point that some softer personalities would consider pushy.
Some people are socialised young to learn that if they badger they eventually get what they want and maybe there's someone in the background leaning on her

Stop with the hints OP. Much better to be clear and firm. If you make up practical reasons why it won't work, she'll offer solutions. You need to just say "Actually, even if you get a travel cot, this isn't going to work. Baby is too young and wakes a lot in the night wanting me. I'm not happy with him sleeping over anywhere yet. Thanks for the kind offer though."

It's not a kind offer though is it? It is purely for the SILs satisfaction. If you thank her for the kind offer she will just ask again in a month's time.

How hard is it to say... "no, I do not want my baby staying anywhere, don't ask me again"
A closed statement she can't argue with.

Because that comes across really rude

OP, I do mean this kindly…

You are now a mother. You are the onlyadvocate your baby has. YOU have to stand up for him. As a pp said, you’re going to have 18 years of this, I would argue for even longer than that. You’ll need to stand up at school, healthcare professionals, family, friendships, the list go on forever. Start as you mean to go on and just say NO.
If she strops, so what?
If the relationship blows up and she is not in his life, is that really a loss?
Just say no. You really really don’t need to explain yourself.
Start as you mean to go on.

@Pearlrosepeach so make it less rude but for gods sake just tell her you don’t want her away from you for the night right now.

continuously making feeble excuses that she can easily solve by getting a travel cot is just making little hurdles she can easily overcome and is just as rude and prolonging the whole thing.

I don't think it does... you can soften it with a smile if you want. Just say... "no, I don't want my baby staying overnight anywhere.

Anyway, would you like a coffee sometime? I'll bring along baby and you can see him then"

Being polite hasn't got you very far though. Some people need telling straight.

Dear Sister in law
Thank you for your generous offer to have DD for the night. I have only just recently got her in a great bedtime routine, which I’m sure you remember and at the moment don’t want to change this, as it’s taken a long time. We would be really happy for you to visit any time, but at the moment overnights away from me won’t be happening any time soon.

There's clearly something wrong in that family.

Do you know what they fell out over?

She wants to play baby dollies with your child, taking baby out of your sight, protection and control.

She wants this overnight - what is she actually planning to do? Co-sleep? Bath?

And she wants you to lie to the baby's father, who would have the right to say no. He knows her better than you do. Do you think he'd say yes? To someone one he's not speaking to and wants to deceive him about his own child?

Tell him. He may know things about her that you don't. Keep that repaired relationship with him, that's working well now. Don't do anything that could damage that.

As far as your shared child is concerned you're a united front, a partnership and should share knowledge and understanding about what's happening.

Just because she's told you to keep it secret does not mean you're going to do that.

And be prepared for her to deny everything and claim you're making it up.

100% this. Her determination to have your baby overnight is utterly abnormal.

OP you HAVE to be blunt and say no. You’re so worried about appearing rude that you can’t stand up for yourself and your baby. SHE is being rude by being so insistent.

Saying no is not rude unless you say it rudely. Saying “no, SIL, I’m not doing that” is not rude at all.

If you don’t get used to being more assertive and stopping things that are not right for you and your child, you’ll have huge problems in the future.

When people don't take a hint or a no that doesn't work, I just don't respond further.

I refuse to explain myself futher.
It works so well.

OP, simply do not reply further.
There is no way I would be handing a baby over to anyone.

Completely batshit.
Trust your gut and ignore.

No. This keeps the door open for overnights in the future. The way the sil is insistent means you really can't trust her, op.

And it's not generous.

Stop dressing it up as a positive. Reject the offer outright. With a no thank you. Nothing else is required.

Hints are for kiddies about what they want from Santa. An adult makes it perfectly clear it's a no. She's not interested in hints just in getting your baby away from you. Don't worry one bit about whether saying a blunt no is rude or not. You have to put your baby's safety first. You're not in a relationship with her brother so why do you even care whether she's offended or not? Have you told him about her wanting to deceive him? What has he to say about it?

So I had the lady balls to message back and say NO sleepovers but more than welcome to visit baby, and I have been blanked lol, no text back

She’ll probably have a big sulk for a while, which is what low-key bullies normally do when they don’t get their way. Enjoy the peace.

Good for you.

Excellent! Now you’ve done once it will be easier the next time, whether that’s her again, a school mum, just advocate for your child always like @MrsKwazi said upthread.

Well done!! It gets even easier the next time :)

AMAZING!!!! So very proud of you OP!!

Definitely message because he wanted to
get his end away