Sister in law asks to have my baby overnight

[Pearlrosepeach]

Hi, I'm early 20s, have a 9 month old baby

Ex partner (babys father) and I haven't been together since baby was about 4 months old

Co parenting was hell at first. We had friends and family doing the hand overs etc. Fast forward a few months we are in a much better place and get on great as co parents! I couldn't ask for it to be any better.

My sons father has only ever had him over night once. He doesn't do over nights due to working early hours. But he has his own days and times where he sees baby and it all works out best for us, we are happy this way.

Anyway my sons fathers sister has messaged me 2 days ago (I still haven't replied) asking if she can have my son over night one night, which I'm not really comfortable with anyone having over night at the moment with my son. He's in a lovely routine at the moment, dinner. Bath bed etc.

But not just that, my sons father and his sister do not get along themselves so in the message she said "we will keep it a secret" meaning let's not tell my sons father.

To be honest I'm not happy about this either, as she witnessed out co parenting at the begining when it was hell, and for her now to see that we are finally getting on great for our son. To then ask me to lie to his father! No I'm not happy about about this

What do u guys think.. also if you have or had a baby at one point when did you let them do over nights, just for the sake of it.. I mean it's not even like I've got plans myself that I'd need a baby sitter.. it's very random, why not take my son out to a park or somthing why do u need an over night

You have to learn to stand up and say no.

"Hi Jessica, sorry, but I don't feel comfortable with baby staying away overnight. We'd love to see you for a day visit though! Also, please don't ask me to keep secrets from Matt again in the future - I don't want to endanger the good relationship I've developed with him. x"

Your reason is I’m her mum and I don’t want her to. That’s an excellent reason. Take a few moments and decide if you want to be a good mum or if you want to be someone who can’t say no, then reply.

"Thanks but I just don't feel comfortable with it."

Do this! You absolutely have to be blunt. All this wibbling and making excuses is useless. As you say it’s your baby, you don’t want her to have your baby overnight and there’s absolutely no reason on earth why she should. You say she won’t take no for an answer- well she has to. And she will, because you’re not going to hand over your baby to her.

It's a no

He's not a toy

I find the number of "baby overnight" posts so odd (whether family or friends). Why? Older children can have great sleepovers with family or even friends but a baby? Just why? If a situation for mumand/or dad, fair enough, but for fun? Don't get it.

I wouldn't let ANYONE have my 9-month old baby for a night. They're way too young for sleepovers.

100% NO.
You do not know who she may have in her home visiting or anything and you don't want to get into their family politics.
Ask your baby's dad what he feels about her popping around to your house to see the baby, as she's been messaging you.
He knows he a lot better than you
But don't let your baby go.

You don’t need to be totally blunt, but you can just say something like, ”No, sorry, Baby won’t be having sleepovers with anyone until Baby is 11yrs old”
That’s made it less blunt and isn’t implying it’s her that’s the problem.

Don’t try to be nice. This woman has clearly identified you as weak, doesn’t care about you at all, and just wants a baby to play with.

You have got to be honest with her - you obviously don’t want to fall out with her. Just say you dont want baby away from you overnight while he is so young, but you would love her to come and visit.

Unarguable excuse: separation anxiety kicks in at around 9-10 months and continues… indefinitely!

But yes, keep it simple: “I’m not comfortable with baby sleeping elsewhere at this age, especially as you and I haven’t even seen each other for so long, so baby doesn’t know you at all. I’m not going to agree with this request and I am going to be open with baby’s dad as I need to preserve our good co-parenting relationship.”

Don’t say sorry in your messages. You don’t need to apologise to her and she’ll take power from it if you do. frankly she sounds very odd with this request (at best. sinister at worst).

I don’t see why you can’t just say I don’t want baby doing overnights but you’re welcome to visit. It’s perfectly reasonable.

Put your baby first - and get the words out!! You only have to text! When I was a young mum texting didn’t exist!

This won’t be the last time you need to say no about something related to your child - so start practising!

Keep it polite, but say no. Say why - Dc is far too young, and will be upset that I’m not there for that length of time (as that’s the main reason). You could add - I’ve got a good parenting arrangement with your brother and it would not be right to hide this from him. You are welcome to see baby here, but I won’t be hiding it from ex.

Hell no. Just no.

And if she’s cheeky enough to come back at you after your explanation, you can send a short second text:

The answer is no.

Absolutely not!

Come on OP!!!! Who else is going to protect your baby if you can't?!

Say No, you've had lots of examples on here. I don't get this btw no one in my family would ever ask this! I have a 9 month old niece! She wouldn't want to leave her mother's or father's side! Neither would I expect my sister in law to 'give' her to me! I wouldn't want the responsibility. I love her to bits but she should be with her mummy.

Say No OP, it's a ridiculous request and actually I would be worried at her intentions too.

Why is she so keen? So pushy? It’s really worrying me.

The Lost Prophets bloke’s text messages contained some awful, awful stuff. I really hope I’m completely wrong to even have that thought cross my mind in this context.

The only reason someone 'won't take no as an answer' is if you don't actually say 'no.'

Making up vague excuses opens a debate, and makes you look persuadable. You're going to have to say no at some point, and if you've led her round the houses with lots of 'I can't because... waffle, it's likely to lead to much more unpleasantness than just saying no in the first place.

You think
' sorry I can't because I don't have a travel cot' is a nice way of saying no, a soft brush off.

But it just blurs your position.

It easily reads as 'I wish I could, if only I had a travel cot'

It's presenting a logistical hitch and inviting a solution.

It's not 'no thank you' - which is a nice decline.

It is really weird as a mum she doesn't realise this would be the opposite of a fun experience for the baby.
If she does realise it... 👀👀👀

100% this.

You said that you would be replying with a definite no but you presented her with a "oh I wish I could but I can't because...." and she found a solution to the reason because...

A definite no that is not open to interpretation is "Baby is not having sleepovers for the time being. Please stop asking as it's becoming embarrassing with the constant requests. The answer is no."

“No.”

That’s it. All you need to say. Don’t JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain). As you have already experienced, it just gives her fodder.

“But why not?”
”I said no. I’m not discussing it any more.”

I find this request incredibly strange, especially as you aren't particularly close with her.

Why not ask to come for a walk in the park with you and your baby, why straight to unsupervised overnight stays where you will have no idea what is going on or who else has access to your child?

As others have said, you need to be very clear and don't make excuses, stop being a people pleaser. This woman doesn't seem to care about your feelings, why should you worry about upsetting her?

Just say "Sorry, I don't feel comfortable with that."

You don't have to explain your reasons. I wouldn't be arranging even daytime contact for her - that should be between her and your ex.

Good luck though - I can see she's put you in a ln awkward position.