Do you expect a date to check you got home safely?

[NoySaga]

I went on a lovely 2nd date last night with a guy who I really like, we had a great time- lots of laughter, kissing, he even suggested we go somewhere else for a drink after we had finished dinner.
He tried to get me to go back to his place but I declined on this occasion and we have a date arranged for Saturday.
My problem is, it was cold, the roads were icy and dark and I had a 30 minute drive home from the restaurant. There was no text to check I’d got home safely or to say he had a nice time. Is it outdated to expect a guy to text and check you made it home safely? I feel it’s not very gentlemanly of him to have not messaged last night, or am I overreacting on this?

Did he not reply when you checked he got home safely?

No I'm female not a child I don't need a chaperone

No not really. I find it a bit of a gratuitous way to show they're a caring person with a new date if they insist. Bit like pulling out chairs.

A second date wouldn't even usually have my address to follow up. It's just a context to message at that stage so I'd rather they weren't playing a protector role they had no way to follow through and just said 'thanks for a lovely date etc'. If they acknowledge crappy weather and say 'I hope the trains/ roads were ok' that's considerate but not a 'checking I got home ok'. I definitely wouldn't take it amiss if someone did ask as it is polite in general and I ask friends to let me know but I certainly don't see it as a particular plus point.

This. He doesn't know when you got home - did the trip take the expected 30 min. Or 25? Or 40? He doesn't know!
The onus is on you (the traveller) to tell the other party when you get home (whenever that is). It's not a boyfriend question; it's a "they are not mind-readers" question.

There was a thread recently where a poster was expecting a female friend to pop over. The poster got in a tizz because she was unsure at what stage she ought to raise the alarm bells.

He was a date not a boyfriend. I wouldn't be impressed with someone I just met checking on me, it's a bit creepy and sends out the ' women need minding' vibes.

Also the nonsense of gentleman behaviour, surely you just mean respectful person? Gentleman behaviour tends to be old fashioned sexism in my experience.

I wouldn't expect a check in from a safety point of view, I can get myself home. I would have found a general 'thanks for a nice evening' kind of message a nice touch but I wouldn't have over analysed not getting one especially as there was already a 3rd date lined up.

I could be a bit put off by him trying to get you back to his place... did he just invite you back or was he pushy? How did he take your 'no'?

I think he's keen to progress the physical side quite quickly, nothing wrong with that if you're on the same page but ask yourself how you'll feel if you went back to his next time to sleep with him and then he doesn't message or check in with you?

No. I’d prefer he assumed I was competent and able to drive in the ice as well as he would be rather than thinking of me as needing checking in on or looking after.

It’s too much to ask for a guy who is only trying to get you in to bed .

If move on .
Id expect this from anyone I was leaving and traveling a decent distance from . This is due to my mum always wanting to know id got home ok .

Why would you be uncomfortable in a taxi?? I'm assuming you are a reasonably capable adult?

Talk about infantilising

Also the nonsense of gentlemanly behaviour, surely you just mean respectful person? Gentlemanly behaviour tends to be old fashioned sexism in my experience

Exactly this.

My experience is that guys usually text after the first couple of dates to check if I got home ok, but they stop checking after subsequent dates. So this is either because:
a) they’re not actually concerned about me getting home safe, they just want to come across of gentlemanly; or
b) when they first meet me they think I’m an idiot who can’t be trusted to get home on her own, but after a couple of dates they can see I’m perfectly capable of doing that ;).

So I prefer it that they don’t text me!

Agree with this. In my OLD dating days anyone describing themselves as ‘an old school gent’ or similar I took as code for ‘old fashioned sexist misogynist’

I did have one date where he said he’d message later at the end of the date. It’s been 2 years and 3 months..but I suppose he never specified how much later 😄 (that date was rubbish though, he had no sense of humour).
I’ve been with DP for 2 years this week. I’ve just trawled back through my messages out of curiosity.. after our first date, I got home first. I texted to say I was home safely (saying I knew he wouldn’t read it immediately) and thanks for a lovely day. He replied when he got home. We still live apart and we always text when the other is home. One time I broke down on the way home and I called him to explain. He then came to meet me til the breakdown service came.
Personally I like to text/receive a text to say thanks for a date for I’m more than happy to do the initial message.

Most guys will follow up with message when you get home, the silent ones are not bothered if they see you again, he might date you again if he thinks you'll go back to his next time, but if doesn't seem that engaging between dates then I wouldn't go.

Yes, I would have expected this and when he didn’t say that as we left, I did kind of expect a text to say ‘hope you got home ok’

I think it's pretty usual, but more to show they are interested in you rather than actually being concerned you got home OK. This one is showing he's not really bothered, and maybe because you didn't go back to his? You won't know until date 3 happens. ( if it does!)

If he was a boyfriend then yes I would expect such a text however, at 2nd date stage, he's still practically a stranger so would not expect him to check up on me.

Yeah first post by @DesertKumquat nailed it. You can tell a lot about men and their intention in their first few dates.

Men usually show their best side in the first few months. This is as good as it’s going to get and it’ll get worse too, OP.

Definitely not a bit much, it’s showing that you would like to get to know them better and could see potential there

Were you worried about driving in the dark/icy weather? I would have text him when I got in, if so-just to let him know I was home.

I agree. The onus is on the one travelling home to let the other person know they’re home ok imo.

The assumption that a dating partner who is just after sex would not roll out the red carpet of airs and graces is massively floored. A motivated and capable gigolo can be quite charming. It's just that some men aren't very good at dating.

I'd expect us to text each other with a follow up if we were both interested in each other, rather than checking I got home safely. If he didn't text I'd assume he was not interested. I would only text if I was interested. Unless it was a daytime date, I wouldn't necessarily expect a message that evening but would expect one the next morning (if he was interested). Everyone's different in their expectations.

I also don’t see asking you to go back to his after a date as ‘only after a shag’

Enough women on here say they want sex on the first date and so I don’t see an issue with him asking as long as he accepts you saying no without any grief

And I’ve gone to a dates for a drink/coffee and said no to sex - it’s perfectly ok.

I always let people know that I have arrived home safely. Or that my airplane has landed safely etc

I just text “arrived of home safe or landed”. It makes more sense for me to notify the person