Do you expect a date to check you got home safely?

[NoySaga]

I went on a lovely 2nd date last night with a guy who I really like, we had a great time- lots of laughter, kissing, he even suggested we go somewhere else for a drink after we had finished dinner.
He tried to get me to go back to his place but I declined on this occasion and we have a date arranged for Saturday.
My problem is, it was cold, the roads were icy and dark and I had a 30 minute drive home from the restaurant. There was no text to check I’d got home safely or to say he had a nice time. Is it outdated to expect a guy to text and check you made it home safely? I feel it’s not very gentlemanly of him to have not messaged last night, or am I overreacting on this?

Agree with you. I don't really want anyone to send me a 'did you get home safe' text unless there's some kind of imminent danger like an earthquake or blizzard, I'm not a child and don't live in downtown LA.

However a follow-up text of another sort is highly recommended. Some guys ry to play ot cool and fair enough, but I like a sweet text exchange late at night if someone makes me smile and we've been texting a lot.

It's not the same the following morning

What a load of old rubbish. I’m not belittling anyone, simply saying how it would make me feel to have to check in every time I went out.

Everyone’s entitled to do whatever they fancy, doesn’t mean I have to agree with them that it’s necessary.

I wouldn't expect a text to check I'd got home safely, however a general "thanks for a nice evening" message is showing a general interest in you.

As a side note I went on a date in March and on my way home a drunk driver smashed into my car, completely writing it off, all on a country road with nothing around. I called my date and he didn't reply until the next day .

Of course you are belittling. You are saying its something you associate with being a child. Just as calling someone's post 'a load of old rubbish' because you disagree with them is belittling. Perhaps it's just a habit you've picked up and you don't realise you're doing it.

Tbf the belittling has gone both ways on this thread - someone said something about types of mumsnetters who are probably home in their jammies by 6pm and "cool girls" etc.

That’s how these threads always go. Rather than accept everyone different it turns into a back and forth of snide digs.

I'm not bothered about having to update my personal safety after a couple of meets, but I would expect a "goodnight, had a good time text". I don't think he gave that as he didn't get what he was after. If you don't hear from him again, he was just hoping for a shag - bit presumptuous a 2nd date, I don't think many men thinking longer term would expect to jump in that quick.

If we both genuinely liked each other I'd expect a follow on text which would be a sort of check up because that's how I would be in a relationship and I'd be looking for someone who was a caring sort.

If we didn't like each other I wouldn't give a shit.

Why?

I went on a second date with someone, I had a car crash on the way home.
Text them about the crash (was waiting for the AA alone at this point because car was totalled) and later found out he was annoyed I rang him (I was sort of expecting him to come and wait with me for the AA as I was only down the road from him) he didn't come out.
I was a 'cool' independent girl and wasn't upset by this (low standards from my childhood). Luckily the police came along and although I was out and not injured they kept me company because I was alone, I crashed on a motorway and so couldn't go anywhere, and it was early hours of the morning.

Stupidly I ended up getting married to him, he was selfish from the second I met him to the second I divorced him (he was incredibly unpleasant during the divorce) I thought being an 'independent woman' meant you didn't expect anyone to care about you.

Now I wouldn't entertain someone who didn't have manners or compassion or were able to care about someone, and also able to demonstrate that through acts of kindness.

Yes probably my issue, but it's not a race to the bottom and a quick text costs nothing in terms of time and effort, the bar is low, if they can't even tap a phone screen for 20 seconds

@sillystrings I'm sorry you experienced such a horrible experience initially and unintentionally carried the mistake forward into matrimony. Glad that you are out of it now and have healed.

I think you would agree that the reason for the failure of the marriage was not the absence of a did-you-get-home-safe text or the fact that he didn't answer your call when you had an accident after the second date, but it certainly serves as a precautionary tale for us ladies to do our due diligence going into marriage.

Do you think the root cause of the issue may have been that he was a twat?

I would not see him again. Only after one thing.

He got a kiss and a feel, and a date booked in for only a couple of nights later - Saturday night. Prime time! He's in! Why would he choose now to abandon her after sitting through two dates, doing all the right things, precisely to get to this point?

Maybe men have become very impatient and the 3 date rule is long forgotten? A guy may lose interest on date 5 with no fruit for his labour but on date 2 in which there was kissing? He would need to be quite a low effort philanderer to throw in the towel then.

Anything is possible with men, however.

Honestly, it would no more occur to me to text someone I’d been on two dates with after I’d had a car crash than it would occur to me to tell someone I’d shared a bus shelter with a couple of times — I’d have called a close friend or family member! I’m sorry he turned out to be a bad guy, but I don’t think it’s particularly weird that he was taken aback that you’d contacted him about the crash. Certainly in my dating days, two dates in was very much still at the initial audition stage, not the ‘contact when I’ve narrowly escaped death’ stage.

The red flag is him trying to get you back to his on date 2 not the fact he didn't check you got home ok.

I'd find it too clingy if someone asked me that. I hate it when friends say let me know you get home ok, like I've spent all evening with you, we don't need a text conversation as well.

I agree, I wouldn't contact someone I've only dated twice about a crash.

I think maybe that was a sign of over-investing in someone too soon.

I don't think it's 'cool girl' not want or expect "did you get home OK" texts. This early on it just would feel insincere to me, (and yes, i know it's essentially a social nicety rather than a genuine enquiry but it seems to stem from a paternalistic viewpoint to me). I would want and expect "had a great night" or something like that.

Would be wholly unimpressed by someone who assumed he was a better driver than me and insisted on driving!!!!

Did you check that he got home safely? Or is it one sided?

I

Depends who you ask. Some would see it as standard, some would say they're independent and capable, others would say it sounds clingy.

I did message him the next day to say thanks for dinner and that I’d had a lovely evening, I got a reply back straight away and texted on and off from there.
There was one comment on here, which I can’t find now to reply to, but they hit the nail on the head with he’s not attentive enough for me, which I totally agree with.
He’s great and we had a fantastic time on Saturday, texted later on Saturday…initiated by me again to say thanks for having me over. As much as I like him, I think he makes me feel too needy and I feel like I’m having to try and play it cool.
We haven’t arranged a 4th date, but that’s fine. I will just wait and see, patiently this time.

My bf and my guy BFF ask me everytime I see them. Not a lot to ask for.

Yes, but they’re people you have long, established relationships with. The OP had met this guy twice.

My fella has done this since we first met! First date and every time since. It's normal.

You sound a bit passive Op.

You feel he’s not attentive enough to your needs but then you’re waiting patiently to see if he arranges a 4th date.

Why not just end things? doesn’t necessarily sound like a bad guy but just not for you.

It's sort of a nice thing to do if it was a male or female. It's not obligatory but I wouldn't call it patronising.

Yeah well, we all have our own views. I would and did 😂

It gives me a paternalistic vibe and it wouldn't feel sincere to me either when virtual strangers. I'd be much happier with a simple "had a lovely time" type text.

I guess if I was a nervous driver or something, I might want someone checking in on me.