Gay hook up apps and straight married men

[JAY89J]

God I don't know what has gotten into me lately but I suddenly have no hope left for men. I know I'm being irrational, but when you have seen what I've seen, and know what I know, it would leave you with doubts also. I just don't know where to go from here?

My gay friend has always told me about his sexual adventures or his friends adventures. Sometimes he will show me his hook up apps and I'll see who is online. Sometimes I'll hear stories that tells me who it was and whats going on in their world.

I was also online recently, and I read a story about a woman who was 6 months pregnant. Her husband and her usually had a really healthy sex life but since she got pregnant he was finding it difficult to do it. She got off nightshift work one day and went to bed. She woke up with a man closing a taxi door outside and entering their house. She crept downstairs to see who it was only to see through the closed door window panel, her husband having sex with a man from grindr (he eventually told her this and added that he had been doing it for 6 months). He never saw her and she went upstairs in shock and sat there not really knowing what to do. He came upstairs 30 mins later to have a shower after his friend left, and seen the look on her face, and he knew she knew. He begged and pleaded and she told him to leave. For 10 days he tried to get her back or to talk but she wasn't ready. On the 10th day he got a call from her father at the hospital to say she had lost their baby daughter due to complications related to stress. He tried to take his own life but was unsuccessful and kept apologising but obviously it was too late. What made it worse was that she was 44 and that was most probably her last chance to have a child, and he took that from her.

On reddit there are subreddits, and one is bi married men. On one post it had "discreet down low (no one knows or will ever know he cheats with men, is what this means) man who is seeking a man" to have sex with and he "can't host (they can't do it at his house is what he means." He posted a pic of his genitals and in the background there was this beautifully decorated home with his baby's toys all over the floor. I couldn't help but wonder where his wife was and how heartbroken she would be if she saw those pictures.

Another story is about a woman who keeps catching her man seeking out men online, but hasn't told him she's caught him again. She is thinking of getting a sex change. She's obviously feeling destroyed and her self esteem is shattered with him. It's all so sad and I feel angry for these women.

One woman on YouTube told her story about a date she went on and the guy was handsome and seemed like he was attracted to her. But only 10 mins in and... his boyfriend ended up showing up, and shouting at this poor girl, who had no idea. The date was all "I'm sorry babe. I wouldn't cheat on you, I just was just talking to her as a friend." Completely dismissing her altogether, and he ended up just walking out with his angry boyfriend shouting "you need to stop doing this to me Ryan. Why did I trust you again..." He left her with the bill also. 😄

These stories, along with many more, and all the info that I get from my friend and the apps, it all has me actually wondering if any men are straight? There are way too many who are recently getting caught due to the power of the internet, and it's shedding light on something women never think about. Do men actually want us, or just the masculine full straight reputation, or the sheilds from stigma and then their children? All these women who were in happy relationships or even some in the bad ones, wouldn't think for a second that their men are out there getting dick on the side. Their too busy looking for other women. The amount of gay for pay porn stars nowadays is outragious. Which means that it's now just a normal part of our culture and maybe some of us haven't caught up yet.

Most just want sex or the dick and not the men behind it though. Many of them want and need prostate orgasms, and can't cum as easily with vaginal sex. Some are kidding themselves and are gay but many are bisexual. Unfaithful bisexuals at that. Where does the line get drawn though? Some of these men I would have never have thought they were upto all sorts with men. Thanks to all these desperate looking weirdos, I now have lost all faith in men. When it comes to sex (and I'm no prude) is this all they want from us? One man wrote that us women are now finally getting a taste of our own medicine for all the years we controlled the sexual activities, and now they are able go just get it whenever, and with whoever. Mostly thanks to sexuality becoming more socially acceptable in every sense. Are women just a sheild from stigma and an incubator. But the men can still give them better orgams (prostate orgasms are strong)? My heads frazzled, but everywhere I turn there is something to remind me, and I feel like this is the new normal. Why is it so off putting for some women to think of their men with men sexually? Or is it the thought that their man prefers men sexually? Now if a man is interested, all I think is that he is only trying to say he is attracted to women because society has conditioned him this way or he just wants the sheild and children. That can't be true surely? Can I go back to being blissfully unaware please? Or even a lesbian? Rant over, sorry.

OP why does it bother you if men want to have sex with men? I’d rather they got out all their emotionless urgent hookup energy on each other, frankly!

That's not the issue. It's the ones who get into relationships with women but play with the boys behind her back. It's the ones who got her hooked under false pretences. It's really the closeted ones who surround themselves with delusional theories and delusional people just to keep their justifications of any infidelity and false orientations alive. I thought that was obvious? The guys who are "I'm straight" but still visit male escorts or get their d*ck sucked off the nearest gay man when he's horny whilst still dating women is the issue. The deceitfulness and selfishness is an issue. It's the fact that these men are high in numbers now, which is the problem. The numbers of gay gor pay porn stars and especially only fans is insane. They also count in my dating world. Maybe I'm extremely naive. Porn has had an impact also. Not all men need the most attractive for sexual activities. In fact, a lot like the faboo nature of things as it taps into what they believe is sexual deveincy. These men are really bisexual to me, but they will be telling women they date that they are straight under the "I'm allowed to label myself what I want" law. I hope I'm wrong. I hope this is just me feeling low and seeing the glass as half empty.

What also has me thinking is the French grandmother case. The whole being straight but a hole is a hole thing is very common. The French woman who was drugged and raped by her husband for 10 years opened my eyes also. This woman was around 70 years old. A lot of these men were in their 20s and 30s and still sexually engaged in this behaviour with a woman who could be their grandmother. These men were leaving their pretty girlfriends and wives with their kids to go and rape a 70 year old woman for 10 years! All of them had gathered from the internet and lived locally. What shocked most women was the fact that there were so many men in one area who you would never have guessed were rapists. A reporter asked a psychiatrist if there was a reason for them all to be so concentrated in one area. He said no, it was just that they themslevws were compartmentalising the acts as a natural need for sexual pleasure that all stemmed from them being given permission by her husband. To them, that permission was enough. Some arrived at the property but didn't participate and then went home and didn't say a word! One woman then went on to say how someone had asked why the Germans back in the 40s were so easily led by the nazis to do atrocious things to the Jews when they were nice and pleasant before the war. A Jewish survivor said because all they needed was permission. I'm mentioning this as I realise that attraction is not everything to most men now. The belief that sexual activities should be their given right to them as long as there are no consequences is true. The more taboo, the better. It really broke my delusional romanticised belief of what men could be as a majority. You just never know who you are sleeping beside, and it feels like porn and the internet fuels the fire within humans to do cruel selfish things that damage others. I just don't want to take a risk right now, and that is painful.

I don't believe women are angels either, and this narrative of widening the genders isn't helping anyone ether. I love men. I just can't work out if I hate that I love them. Or I hate that they don't care for us as we do for them. There are good men. There are men who are straight and aren't delusional or cheaters. It's finding them and trusting them when I seem to only see them as a minority right now. Does that make sense? Maybe it's because I can find things in most men I see and become attracted to various parts of them both inside and out. That magnetic pull I feel towards them when I feel attraction is infectious. I can't imagine giving that up for my sexual pleasure or deceiving men for my sexual pleasure. Maybe it's because I don't have the same high amount of testosterone in me to fire that arousal. I feel I have a high sex drive. I watch porn myself. I seem to trust women more emotionally, though, and look for women for advice regarding all of life's complications. It's women I feel i can be myself with, also. I feel that may be because with men, I always want to show my best self, as with them, romance is on the table even when i don't want it. But in the end, it is always men I choose. It's men I want as a partner beside me and as a romantic companion. To give that up for sex is incomprehensible to me.

There is a rise in "straight" married or taken men on gay dating apps and even subreddits that help or encourage these men to have a meet and greet with their dck. I wish women would go on the LPSG website and browse their stories also. Why would any straight man say they are straight, but they love to suck dck all day? I've just seen a post with that statement. These men come in a pack of thousands! I've heard it all. I also know how those gay men feel about those women who are dating or married to the men they are sleeping or having oral sex with. They pity them. I don't want to be one of those women, even if it was a transgender woman. My whole self-worth as a woman would be down the drain, and i possibly wouldn't get over that. The thought of dating any bisexual man dries me up also, even if there is loyalty. I've tried to change that feeling, but it's a biological reaction that I can't control. So that doesn't help, and that's unfortunate as it isn't something I enjoy feeling.

There was a man on Dr Phil (I hate that show, but it came on) who was caught messaging a man he was having sex with for 7 years behind his partners back. He still claimed to be straight. When she asked him why, i believe he was honest when he said it was easy, no commitment sex, with no strings attatched and less risk of pregnancy that he just CONPARTMENTALISED. Anyone you see weekly for sexual encounters behind your wife's back (who he also and a good sex life with) has the potential for emotions developing. I would say he is a bisexual guy, but he says he isn't as it's just sex. Is it, though? His poor wife's life is wasted.

I just wondered if anyone else had been noticing some posts or people mentioning supposedly "straight" men straying with men. Or are any women as delusional as I have been in thinking the men who don't take their orientation seriously are a small minority and i have more chance in winning the lottery than meeting one. The internet changed it all and also made it all visible. The number of American politicians who were seeking men on the side is a great example. They were crazy. I had seen on a true crime show that one just got arrested for having sex with an underage teenage boy 3 times in a motel, but he is married with kids. I wish I could remember his name, but I am just going to hunt for it. I clanced at a post where 4 20 - and 30 year old taken and married men had also engaged with a teen boy in their cars and a motel who they had met on Craigslist when it was running. That was on a post underneath that politician one. All met him on seperate occasions and got arrested. All claimed to be straight. The pastors numbers are ridiculous also. I didn't look for these stories either. Unfortunately

it looks like some women ha affecteded themselves on here. I'm sorry they hurt you. It's just ridiculous that this is even an issue now.

Hope your OK.

"these men are high in numbers now, which is the problem".

"These men are really bisexual to me, but they will be telling women they date that they are straight under the "I'm allowed to label myself what I want" law. I hope I'm wrong. I hope this is just me feeling low and seeing the glass as half empty."

You are massively overestimating the numbers OP. Gay/bi is low single digits.

"You just never know who you are sleeping beside" - goodness, this. It's so true. And FWIW OP, I agree with what you have said on this thread.

My marriage was a bin-fire, for a multitude of reasons which I won't go into, but will say that after we split he confessed to having a sexual encounter with a man in a nightclub toilet (he claims this happened after we split, but not sure I believe that although it's irrelevant at this point as we're now divorced); this man blatantly had a thing for my husband when we were married. You have to ask why there would be a sense of a gay man pursuing a straight-married man if the straight-married man is genuinely straight.

I've dated 5 men since my divorce who all turned out to have ED as a result of porn addiction. One of these men, in hindsight I do not believe he was straight and I feel lied to; he misrepresented himself. Also, he would occasionally open my wardrobe and put on my clothes. It was done humorously, but without going into the details and nitty gritty, I think the humour was a cover for a fetish. His dick never worked and I suspect it was the fact I have a vagina. He was 35 at the time.

So many irregularities in so many men's behaviour. I feel the same as you have described how you feel, OP.

I don't have answers - I just can't face dating anymore. Any future man I get involved with would surely be a future man that I'd have to end the relationship with for any number of perfectly valid reasons. What on earth is the point?

Sadly, I really do believe that so many women who think they have 'one of the good ones' would be quite stunned if they really knew who they were sleeping beside.

I believe you OP. It happened a lot in the ancient world. In ancient Rome and ancient Greece a lot of men would have sex with other men and it was completely acceptable. You were only gay I believe if you were the recipient. And many men really don't care who (or what) they have sex with. It's why there's the old saw about the other woman never being as attractive as the wife because she doesn't need to be. She just has to be accessible.

I'm married and my husband is lovely and works from home (as do I) and I'm fairly sure doesn't want, need or have opportunity to cheat on me with men or women. But I'm sufficiently jaded by men's behaviour that if my husband died tomorrow I don't suppose I'd remarry. I used to think it was a shame that my young widowed friends didn't try to date anyone and remarry. But as I've gotten older, I honestly think I'd rather join a convent if they'd have me, at least I'd have companionship.

I used to live near ‘a secluded road’ off a main A-road which was notoriously known within the male gay community for hook ups in the bushes backing onto our farm fields. I lost count of the number of married men I knew of locally who parked up there with their headlights on waiting. In lockdown we had a serious problem with this and the littering of used condoms 😬 was absolutely fucking grim. Men will fuck just about anything if you let them..

None of my sons would be interested in any kind of sex outside their marriages/ relationships. They have seen the devastation that cheating causes. Their moral codes are high, and they love and respect their partners.

My mother in law proudly said this to me about her sons right before one of them tried to kiss me in a spare bedroom while I was changing my contact lenses. I’m married to his brother.

The stats might be bc women are less stigmatised than men for admitting to this - chiefly bc it feeds into a male fantasy of women with other women - so it is more than acceptable. Also more women are becoming sexually attracted to other women through the huge surge in porn use.

Typically women aren’t turned on by the thought of two men having sex (probably bc it’s not as mainstream as the woman being the focus of sex with men or women) usually it’s the opposite in fact - so men have far more to lose in admitting to ‘dabbling’

You’re delusional. How on earth would you know who they are attracted to or what they are capable of unless you have an unusually intimate relationship with them whereby you monitor their actions and thoughts and they fear dramatic repercussions if they transgress? They are their own people and quite capable of their own desires and actions. Have they told you they’ve never ever viewed porn or slept with anyone but their wives/current partners? You couldn’t even claim that of your own husband/partner as he is a sentient being who will be doing or at least thinking a lot of things you know nothing about. They can’t control who ppl sleep with in prisons so how can you expect to know what goes on when ppl have freedom and an abundance of opportunity?

Mumsnet is full of stories of men cheating on their wives and partners and women who say not mine or I never thought it would happen to me. Then it does. You need to face reality. It may not be happening now but of course it could happen - with anyone.

You are massively overestimating the numbers OP. Gay/bi is low single digits.

But how do you know?

I'm a lesbian and have a lot of gay male friends.

I can confirm, those of them who like 'hook ups' tell me a lot of tales of married men looking for gay male sex on dating apps and in fb and reddit groups. For some of them their wives are well aware, others do it discreetly.

My uncle was married and had extra marital relations with men.

Based on personal experience OP, I don't believe you're wrong. It may be that there is some confirmation bias, and that it isn't a case of loads and loads of men do this, but the reality is many of them do.

I had a best friend for 10 years who was a gay man. This was in the 90's and he used to hook up with married men all the time for casual sex. And I mean a lot. In those days they would meet in public toilets in the park at night. So yes I agree this is a thing and has been going on for a lot longer than people realise.

I would add to your list - online chat rooms full of married people looking to cheat. They then use apps like KIK to hook up which is like WhatsApp but you don't need any personal details to join and nothing is stored on your phone. Something like that.

Yeah my husband works in a field of medical research where they are fully aware of how many "straight" men have sex with men. They label it "MSM" (men who have sex with men) because "gay" or "bi" doesn't cover it. Also if you know any gay men, they are fully aware that men who would call themselves straight are up for a blow job at the end of the evening, it really is a thing. Sorry.

Closeted men have been a thing for donkey’s years. It’s not shocking. Human sexuality is a complex thing, and ultimately anyone is capable of anything, not much shocks me about human behaviour. When you look at what men as a class have done throughout history and continue to do today your mistake was assuming they’re largely decent and have any respect for women. The behaviour of many, if not most, men suggests otherwise.

Cheating is wrong regardless of whether it’s with men or women but there is a lot of homophobia in your post. Your friend is right, society does condition everyone to be straight. It’s still assumed to be “the norm” and taught/spoken about as such. And saying you want a “real” man not a bi one - not surprising some men are in the closet when attitudes like this still abound.

Women who think this type of behavior is uncommon are delusional and naive. Way back in the 1990s a young gay black male wrote a book that took the country, women and especially Black america by storm. Everyone was shocked and appalled. But the issue was revealed and nothing has changed. If anything more men are not hiding or stuck not able to connect with another guy due to the advent of the internet (not just AOL like it used to be). The title of the book was INVISIBLE LIFE and told the story of an allegedly heterosexual man in a relationship with a woman who also had male to male sexual relationships. everyone thought a married man would only cheat with a woman for some reason. This book launched the phrase "on the down low."

Since then with the launching of sites like Grindr, Archer, etc. men can be anonymous, find a hookup, make it happen, and go on about their business. In San Francisco where I grew up, in the 1980s they had bath houses, and the same type of cruising/hookup/byenow behaviors were so prevalent they closed them all down because men were getting AIDS and bringing it home to their wives.

Even if they aren't dipping with men outright, they post ads looking for "a woman with a little extra" which means a femme presenting transsexual - a chick with a you know what.

No woman can afford to be naive and think that the number of men who are into male2male sex is a small minority. You are choosing to ignore reality. This type of stuff has been going on forever. Romans used to have male male orgies, and in Afghanistan they have bacha boys dancing and sex parties. It's part of the culture. You can watch a documentary about it online even.

Also, even if they aren't hooking up with men YET, the number of men who don't really like women, abuse them, emotionally damage them, disrespect them is extremely high. When I meet guys like that I always ask them to be real with themselves and go partner with a man since they don't like women much.

I just watched Love Never Lies on Netflix. The Polish edition. A fucking couple are on there due to him cheating on her with a man before they were about to get married. I'm coming in here to rant about it. I can't get away from it. I turned it off. I couldn't watch it because then I became biased. I will always be on the side of women and will always hope that women will help other women see that it's better to just lean into each other as good friends to help them see that they dont have than live with a man and those dark clouds of doubts.

Just for the record, as I know someone mentioned this, I can't help that I can't be attracted to bisexual men. I can't turn that switch on. I've tried. Most women won't take those risks as the biological unconscious feelings aside us will always leave a doubt cloud hanging over us. I think what men don't realise is that the majority of women don't trust any man to a certain extent. Most women prepare themselves unknowingly throughout their life, to possibly expect their men to cheat with another woman. This isn't necessarily all about trust, though. It's about attraction, and the more risks a man has that's attached to him, the more drier some women will get. There is no malicious controllable attraction switch that's turned off. But if anyone knows how to turn it to on, then I'd be happy to hear it.

To be honest, I'd rather hear the tips on how to be a lesbian. I'd be a great lesbian! I hate that I love men.

This is really weird. I second the posters who say you need to get off the internet and touch grass for a bit, OP.

If you hang out with gay men, you're going to hear the odd story about closeted 'straight' men hitting them up on Grindr. That's par for the course. But it's hardly rampant. You're acting like every other man is running off to shag his mates behind his wife's back. Which is, frankly, nuts. Male sexuality is different from female sexuality, that's true - but trawling Grindr is still a line most men won't cross.

Your perception of how common this is is wildly overblown. You've got about two real life examples of it happening, and everything else you're getting online. If you keep searching out this kind of content, the algorithm will keep showing it to you. But that doesn't mean anything. Just because you're seeing a new story every five minutes and it feels like this is happening everywhere, doesn't mean it actually is. It could be one in ten thousand men. They could be on different continents. Someone could have made up five fake stories about it to get attention on Reddit.

Take a deep breath and stop letting yourself get so wound up about it.

Excellent post.
The men's loos at a local big box DIY store was a notorious hook up spot. Ditto a basement men's loo in a local civic building close to a major rail intersection (access to the trains via part of the building) - places women would go to or pass through and never suspect. I wouldn't have suspected either until I realised what my exH was up to and started doing some research.

Gay/ straight/ bi for many are just labels but a cheat is a cheat. Men cheat and will make up all kinds of bs to justify it.

I have a gay friend who says ‘straight’ attached men are the bane of his life. He has been cheated on and has no interest in playing a part in someone else’s pain.

20 years back a gay student of mine told stories very much like OP. Lots of married men.
I remember how depressing I found it when I discovered all the couple friends I had bar one (and I’m not sure about him either) were all screwing around including my then husband as it turned out.
I now assume anyone can cheat in the right circumstances. Myself included.

Sorry what with climate change / Trump / Ukraine and current teen issues I frankly don’t have capacity for another worry- if Dh is shagging men in Gardener Haskins so be it.

Ailing parents, peri menopause symptoms and state of the economy will my kids ever get jobs is all there too.

Yes as a PP said, dating apps attract cheats. Sat with a gay friend in aNT tea shop surrounded by families. He showed mr the Grindr app pinging away with the husbands….