My husband has left me I'm devastated

[Lemonsandlemonade]

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

Yes this is correct.

Absolutely this on the counselling.

Going to counselling & hearing my exH say things he hadn't said to me but felt he could say to someone else in front of me made me realise we were definitely over & we had to move on.

It was horrible and if I'm honest I went thinking we could work on things so I cried through it all & was heartbroken but it did help find out where his head was really at & made things so much clearer.

Don't be me, go for things to be clarified not because you expect things to work out. Obviously if he does want to work on things that would be great but be prepared.

He owes you this.

👏👌

Thanks for this post I honestly don't think there is someone else. Im broken enough without people saying I'm wrong.

I do appreciate all the messages and I am reading them all. I can't wallow because I have DS but that's all I want to do.

I am so sorry to hear your news. That is so unfair. Please be strong, protect yourself and your little one, go to a lawyer, don't believe what he says as it is probably all lies so that you do not feel let down further down the line. Look that the worst is now behind you as you know the truth. Give yourself time to recover, dig your heels in, take comfort in the fact that you will face this head on and show yourself to be the strong woman that you are. He does not deserve to get away with this lightly. Let nothing surprise you that unfolds before you. You will get through this, it will pass, but it is a rotten time of year also to experience this. Look after yourself and your little one and I wish you all the very best you deserve.

My exH didn't have someone else when he left.
But he left because he wanted there to be someone else.

He had been unfaithful in the past though so it was a different story for us.
It was all part of him feeling "trapped" by parenthood.
He is now re-living his younger years.
But we get on & co-parent ok

I realise this is a sensitive topic but personally I'm not sure about the OW scenario, but am wondering if he's talked much about the IVF situation and using a donor? The fact that his fertility was the issue, could be the cause of some serious questioning and also may be affecting how he's bonding with your child. Not an easy conversation by any means and one that he might not even want to admit to. But if that is the case he should probably be seeking counselling. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Tell work what has happened so if you take time off they know why.
There may or may not be someone else but he has told you there isnt and you believe him so thats up to you.
You have to get him to move out asap because the longer he stays and lives separately the more it will hurt. Im sorry this is happening to you. So many sad same storys on MN.

Everything does not happen for a reason. I wish people wouldn’t come out with this dumb phrase.

As others have said there’s no need to tell your son the specifics yet, he’s far too young.

Agree with this

It's not always the case that there's another woman lined up

And, some separations are civilised and prioritise the child's well-being

Good luck OP

OP you mentioned donor IVF - do you think he feels connected to your child?

When we were struggling to conceive my husband said that he couldn’t see himself adopting as he didn’t think he would bond. This would be similar for him I think.

MumsNet - Where every second reply is "Leave the bastard", but when a man leaves he's still the horrible one 🤔

OP - Ignore all these sad, bitter people desperate for your husband to have had an affair because theirs did.

Take professional advice RE your finances, look after #1 (and your child) and grit your teeth for some difficult conversations.

It'll be tough, but it will get better.

I'm sorry OP this must be such a shock!
Do not let him stay there! Can he go & stay somewhere else? His parents or a hotel for a few days!
I would not be able to even look at him in your shoes!

You can't afford not to have legal advice! Do you have access to household money? Can it come out of that?

In the beginning he found it hard to connect with him but now they are like peas in a pod.

The thing he finds hard is knowing that one day DS could want to know about his biology.

Unfortunately like so many our finances are very much accounted for.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Call in sick to work.

Your son will be a little confused but he will be ok, long term. Mine were 4 and 2 when it happened and a decade on they are well adjusted teens. It took me a while but eventually I was ok too. More than ok! I'm in a great long term relationship though we do not live together, and I know it worked out for the best.

I will agree though that it is very likely to be someone else. Maybe not a physical affair, but she's there.

My thoughts too. I think that the DH has disconnected himself from OP because he doesn't feel connected to the DS. He should have spoken up and arranged relevant counselling rather than throw it all away. But, well, men. He will take the easiest route which is to walk away.

take the day off sick............your world has just collapsed. I had been married to exdh for 17 years when he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and loved me like a friend. We didn't have any children due to male infertility - he refused to consider IVF or adoption as he could "never raise another mans child". There was another woman......who had kids and who he is still with.

Take some time, don't let him just call the shots and use DS as the excuse for living in the spare room, it isn't fair on you to deal with that. He needs to move out!

You will survive this, take it a few hours at a time.
You have not failed your DS at all...........

I was the same age as you when my life colapsed. I have been married to my dh for 20 years and have 2 dc.

You are stronger than you think and there is a lot of life to live.

Methinks it won’t be long before the OP disappears from the thread. She's said repeatedly that she believes him when he says there is no other woman and yet right from almost the first post, that’s become the narrative.

How about we ditch the whataboutery and advise on the basis of what’s in front of us - people do fall out of love, and are not prepared to live a lie, so they leave. It’s very hard to accept that the person you love no longer loves you, and even harder when it’s apparently for no other reason than they just don’t feel it any more. It’s natural to look for a reason, such as involvement with someone else because that’s something tangible, but sometimes it is as simple as ‘I don’t love you any more’ and that’s what OP is dealing with now.

OP I think you both need to talk this through in the cold light of day now that it’s out in the open, and although I don’t think you can legally force him out of the marital home, you can certainly ask him to leave. If he won’t then you may need to compromise, and you definitely need legal advice - suggesting that you lead separate lives from the same home, as a temporary short term solution is one thing, but if he’s suggesting it long term then you need to make it crystal clear that he is the one who instigated this, so he doesn’t get to call the shots.

You can get a half hour of free legal advice from any solicitors and this is a good starting point. It’s very hard OP, but you need to be strong because this is life changing and you need to act quickly when you least feel like it, for your own security and the least impact on your child. And him making your child the excuse for staying together after the bombshell he’s just dropped is a low move. He should stand by his decision and be prepared to go separate ways - he doesn’t want to live a lie and that’s fair enough, but don’t allow him to make you live one either.

Thanks for this about sums things up I think.

He's felt like this 'for a while' will be since your son. When you have a baby your world changes. They're no longer at the centre of it, intimacy often diminishes and you enter a bit of a roommate phase as needs of baby comes first.

Some men struggle with that a lot. And then they meet someone new, even if it doesn't go anywhere, that reminds them of the fun of a new relationship away from the drudgery of parenting.

So sorry to hear your pain and situation. Please remember what you are feeling is a moment in time , it will pass . You are still young and your situation will open new doors . Watch Sliding doors , old movie but so relevant. Your son will be fine . He has a very good mother with you . Loving, caring , thoughtful, compassionate, Mothers don’t get better than that . Stay with us on here , even if it turns out he’s with someone else , it’s not your fault . Stay strong , look after yourself and son , kick him out , don’t let him guilt trip you about anything . I bet he wasn’t very compassionate last night . He’s not on your team . You will feel great again one day . This is just a moment in time and it will pass .

He’s not even walking away - he’s basically saying ‘I don’t love you any more and I don’t want to be with you, but I don’t think I should move out for the sake of our child’ !! I hope OP puts him straight on that one.

Legally, he doesn't have to go anywhere.

So sorry you're going through this. On this specific point, I wanted to say - I hope you/he knows there's no 'could want to know about his biology'. It's absolutely standard for a DC to know their biology and to not wait for it to come from the DC and to hope that it never does. From what you said about the male donor route being disapproved of, I can't tell if you did it unofficially/outside the system, and if so, whether you've had the requisite counselling about it all. I'm only saying all this as both myself and my sibling were donor conceived and weren't told till much later in life, as there was much less education around it back then. Also looking back, though my dad was brilliant with me, he did struggle more with my sibling and my parents did split for a while when we were young. I think it's a very tough thing for a man to deal with, both the fertility issue and raising DC who aren't biologically his. Has he had any counselling himself to help him navigate this? If not, that could be something to explore, when you're both feeling less raw. It does sound like he wants to stay involved with the DC which is good, but I agree it's not right to stay in the same house with so much hurt for you constantly. DC will ultimately be happier when you're both happier and worked out a stable co-parenting set-up. Please don't hate yourself for any of this. It's clear you're a great mum who will give your DC the best life possible. For now, be kind to yourself, get legal advice, and take some control in all this.