My husband has left me I'm devastated

[Lemonsandlemonade]

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

This is awful, what a piece of shit

these posts come up daily. The partner always insists no one else is involved and I always go straight to the most recent message and lo and behold there’s another woman. Every single time

If you think you can find out discreetly who the OW is, I would - but only to give you something closer to peace of mind and so you don't feel like you're being kept in the dark. Absolutely do not confront them - unless it's like your BFF or sister or something, and even then I'd bide my time.
Then put all your energy into looking after yourself and your son - getting the best custody arrangement you can and ensuring you are in the best position to move on from this awful man.
With a new year around the corner, start this new chapter with your head held high - you really will be ok. ❤️

They want to protect the OW - it's yet another example of the low regard they hold for you.

What makes him think he would have custody of your child?

Read the Runaway Husbands book OP.

it will walk you through everything your husband is about to
throw at you.

you’ll be prepared and in control.

Just a quick update for you.

after some detective work I discovered her name but lost some of my pride and dignity in doing so.
I am not being that person again.

I have decided to move me and DS out tomorrow to my mums.

I feel absolutely awful uprooting DS (although most things will stay the same) but for the first time in days i feel calm.

have packed bank statements passports birth and marriage certificates anything paperworky as well as clothes toys etc a photo of mummy and daddy a d ds sentimental things too.

so onwards I charge. One small step

@Lemonsandlemonade I am
glad you have some peace and a plan! You’ve done so much in a day!

Do you know this woman well?

You are doing SO well.

Ime, pride and dignity are so important in this process. He lost all of his the second he did this, and you still have yours. You have lost none of it. The fact that you had to do something you didnt want to do in order to get information that you needed to help you in this means a further loss on his part, not yours. His actions led to that. If it involved other people then I will tell you how I would feel if someone I knew asked me for information like this that they thought I would know. I would feel desperately sorry that there is yet another woman in the world going through this shit that these bastards do to us. That there is yet another woman being gaslit and lied to and kept in the dark by a cowardly lying shagabout. I would judge him to hell and back, but her? Not one jot.

You are doing the right thing by removing yourself from the situation. Its all very well people saying "dont leave the house" but a house is, when all is said and done, just a thing. You can move on and find another. But your wellbeing, your mental health, your emotional strength, they are precious and must be cared for at all costs. Your son will do so much better with you doing better. You know that they tell parents to put their own oxygen masks on in a plane crash before their kids? Because they need you to be able to help them. Think of this like that. Whenever you feel a bit guilty that you are doing something that helps you, remember that he needs the best you so you are doing it for both of you.

Keep going xx

Maybe you should just say that you are going on a holiday to your mums, incase you are making it easier for your husband by saying you are leaving the family home.

Do you have a motion sensor recording doorbell so that you can see who is coming into your home?

@Lemonsandlemonade - your DH’s behaviour, including this threat to go for 100% custody, is so cruel that he sounds abusive. Perhaps he hasn’t always been but he’s being abusive now. There is no basis for him to have 100% custody - he’s simply a philandering husband who’s left his wife. He doesn’t get to take your child full-time. And it is of course your business who he’s seeing if he proposes to have your shared child living part time in that person’s household and with that person’s family.

Get as much support as you IRL and try not to let him bully you around custody.

I also agree with saying that you’re going to your mother’s house for a holiday rather than leaving the family home.

So pleased you are moving forward , well done in finding some strength. Please keep focusing on being strong .

Find your anger and your strength op. I hope we can help - so many of us here have been where you are. Lean on your IRL support and stand up for yourself and your son. If it’s any consolation, many of us who have experienced this are now out the other side (I divorced mine after 25 years married the fuckin minute I found out he was cheating), and life on the other side is happier, sweeter, somehow lighter with less stress and tension. I recommend it, and I very much hope 2025 is your year.

That 100% custody stuff is rubbish & should probably be added to "The Script" - it's just a pathetic attempt at power play while he knows you are feeling vulnerable. Ignore it for the nonsense it is.

@Lemonsandlemonade

I think that now that you're leaving 'the marital home', it is imperative that you seek legal advice. Beg, borrow, or steal the money. This is not to say you're 'abandoning it' or lose any rights to it, but you do need to know your legal position and to do any legal paperwork needed to secure your rights.

I know you're hurting and your head is probably a mess. But this is one thing you must pull yourself together enough to do, for yourself and for your son.

And as far as any pride and/or dignity you feel you may have loss with the discovery of who the OW is, that was then this is now. If you got anything off your chest that release of emotion can help you focus on what's needed now. And if you did a bit of the 'pick me' dance, well, you've stopped dancing now. Put it behind you and move forward.

If you own your own home think about getting it valued asap x

It is your business. Your son is meeting this woman and your soon to be ex husband has ruined your son’s stability and hooked up with someone who he now will be moving in with. He’s also suggesting he has your son living with them.

You have a right to know who your very young child is and who they are with.

For a parent to introduce their children to another partner so early is irresponsible. It’s not very clear cut between the seperation yet and your husband is taking your son on shopping trips with his new woman. It’s just irresponsible and an uncaring. What it shows is your husband’s character and his morals and integrity. He lacks them and it’s not great father material.
I would in an organised way: note these observations down as it may help the courts see the bigger picture.

He is the father through law but it does feel really odd that he would get full or 50/50 custody and removing that from you being fully biologically related. Placing the child with non biologically related people who have shown that they are unstable and unfaithful. Just feels a bit weird.
However through law and the IVF he is still a parent but I really doubt he would get custody, even 50/50.

What could be his plan is to wind you up and cause you to flip and then he could say you were unsafe and unstable giving him more of a chance.

Also as a legal parent he will need to pay for his child as he agreed when he took that on so he can’t threaten you with that.
keep everything in writing and note it as all those threats etc will be useful for court.

His actions, coldness deem him a shitty person and not the best person for your son to be with full time or 50/50. I hope the courts see that.

xx

Wait!!!

where is your husband?

if you move from the family home then the courts may see the home of your mothers as unstable. I don’t know the situation. I’m no expert but I know that with you both as parents the courts will be looking at suitability and stability.

how far is your mother’s home? Is he still near his nursery and familiar surroundings.
is it a break away or permanently for now?

staying in the family home if safe is the stable option for your son.
also the courts won’t care about the affair however on deciding suitability they will see your husband’s behaviour with introducing your child so early and not being open with you when it concerns your son’s wellbeing etc won’t look good for him.

Introducing your child to the new woman when under scrutiny in court could show your husband lacks understanding of your child’s emotional needs and wellbeing.

who is the child’s primary caregiver?

if he stays with his father … where? At the home of his new woman?

if you are your sons primary caregiver then the courts are unlikely to alter that. They won’t be happy in giving custody to the father with no fixed abode or at the new woman’s home.

however you moving out the family home will give him a stable home that is familiar to your child.

just be careful. You may want to escape this chaos but it may give your husband soon to be ex some power.

@Lemonsandlemonade I just wanted to check in with you to see how you are doing now. 🩷

Hay @Mumtobabyhavoc

Have taken a break from MN for a while.

Well what an update:

I am doing great. Am seeing someone new. He is absolutely lovely and so kind .

Me and DS at mums for now.

Ex being awful, very controlling and horrid. Using DS as a pawn. I won't say more on here.

currently started mediation so I can sever financial ties.

Hope you and your two LO are good.

@Lemonsandlemonade glad to hear you are doing better, sorry (but not surprised) about your shitty ex. Hopefully you’ve found your anger and determination to get the right outcome for yourself and your son.

OP I'm so happy to hear your update. Hopefully you can move on soon from that tosser.
Onwards and upwards xx

@Lemonsandlemonade I'm so glad to know things are better. You truly deserve it. Come find us when you're ready, although you might have too much excitement to post about. Wouldn't want you to break our thread rules. 😂🩷

@Lemonsandlemonade

Well, I'm not surprised at his shitty behaviour. The more wrong they know they've been the more they'll turn vindictive. I think it's because they are experts at DARVO and decide 'it's all your fault' for whatever reason they come up with to justify themselves.

I'm also surprised/not surprised at the number of men who beg you to let them go without making a scene and then when you do just that, they get mean and vicious.

Idiots, the lot of them.

You’re doing really well and face a much better future. He’s run away from his family but he can’t run away from his own flaws. This is who he is.