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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left me I'm devastated

501 replies

Lemonsandlemonade · 21/11/2024 00:47

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Lavenderfarmcottage · 21/11/2024 08:25

I think the telephone counselling for a crisis is actually better and more helpful than you’d expect FYI.

I left my husband when my only child, a boy, was 2.5 years old. I felt like you and now my son is 8 and thriving & we are better off. We have minimal support - I promise that it can be okay.

At the moment you’re in shock that your child won’t have the ideal family situation. However it’s not as bad as what you’re imagining.

Children are resilient and it’s how we manage the situation and protect them as adults.

If you maintain routine, love, cuddles, and explain to your son in an age appropriate way that you won’t be living with daddy but that Daddy will still see him and loves him & you are still a family, I promise it will be okay.

There have been times my son has questioned why I’m not with his Dad. On a daily basis though it’s not a big deal. What is a big deal is when he’s witnessed arguments.

Your goals is to shelter your son as much as possible from arguments, your emotions and keep things as regular and secure as possible. Your immediate thought in all of this is for your son which tells me that you’re a wonderful Mother and selfless.

Hating yourself is going to break you down and that’s not going to help your son and you. It’s you and him now so you have to protect yourself and build yourself up.

Also, relationships sometimes don’t work out, that’s not a failure, that’s just a life event that’s unfortunate and happens to many many people. It’s not your decision to end this and it’s not your job to be perfect and you can’t control him, nor can you perfectionise your relationship and yourself so he stays.

This is not your fault.

Your son’s life isn’t going to be perfect and it’s not going to be ideal but it can still be wonderful, loving, safe and a happy childhood.

please feel free to message me - I worry reading repeated comments that you hate yourself.

I promise you that life can be okay again & you must believe that for yourself and your son.

Twenty years is a long time and you’re in shock and grief so feeling really low right now is normal but these views and worries you have for your future without your husband are probably more intense than what they should be. Everything can be fine.

Make yourself a cup of tea, prioritise yourself, get in with a good counsellor immediately !!

fedup33 · 21/11/2024 08:35

Just go throught the motions for now with your son. No need to go into complicated explanations and upset right now.

Sorry for your predicament.

TheSquareMile · 21/11/2024 08:37

I would contact a solicitor today.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 21/11/2024 08:37

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

Don’t do his dirty work. If he’s made the decision, he can explain it to your child. You need to start protecting yourself.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 21/11/2024 08:39

Lemonsandlemonade · 21/11/2024 06:28

What H wants to happen is he lives here in spare room I live separately from him but everything is normal for DS.

I said I can't do that.

You’re right, OP. You mustn’t do that. How horrible of him to suggest it. That would be the cruellest, most painful thing for you, having to still live with the man who has rejected you.

Msmoonpie · 21/11/2024 08:41

I’m so sorry. If I were you I’d phone in sick and take the day to get wrap your head around it.

As others have said there will be another woman. I see posts here regularly like yours all with the husband swearing blind there’s no one else. Sometimes they pretend it’s a mental health crisis. But there always is.

Dont do the pick me dance. Go and get legal advice asap. Don’t let him call the shots.

If he won’t move out make sure everything is separate - don’t cook or do his washing. Do nothing for him. Treat him like a lodger. He may want the benefits of being married while behaving as though he isn’t.

Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 21/11/2024 08:47

H has taken DS to pre school as per our normal routine.

H has told DS that he is going to stay with GM until Monday.

I've not gone to work - H reply the quicker you get back to a normal routine the better for you.

He said it's all a done deal now and we need to move forward.

Im in bed crying alone but I am going to take charge.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 21/11/2024 08:49

Well I'm glad you haven't gone to work and little one is at preschool for a bit. Do whatever you feel you need to do, even if that's sitting in bed with a cuppa crying. Sorry you're having to go through this Flowers

Msmoonpie · 21/11/2024 08:50

Lemonsandlemonade · 21/11/2024 08:47

H has taken DS to pre school as per our normal routine.

H has told DS that he is going to stay with GM until Monday.

I've not gone to work - H reply the quicker you get back to a normal routine the better for you.

He said it's all a done deal now and we need to move forward.

Im in bed crying alone but I am going to take charge.

Edited

He is being incredibly cruel. It’s not as though you have lost your keys. He has ended a relationship of many years.

You may well see him become a very different person to the one you are used to. It’s also
likely he will try and create a narrative where it’s your fault.

Be very honest with people that he has ended the relationship. Don’t feel you have to shield him.

CleanShirt · 21/11/2024 08:55

Hi @Lemonsandlemonade , I'm so sorry this is happening to you. The exact same happened to me last Christmas and I know how devastating it is.

My exh also said there was nobody else, but promptly moved in with a younger colleague - I didn't want to believe it at the time, but the wise women of MN were spot on.

Pleased look up The Script by Chump Lady and familiarise yourself with it to try to mitigate any further shocks. I also found the book Runaway Husbands incredibly helpful.

Sending you love and support. Look after yourself x

researchers3 · 21/11/2024 09:01

I'm so sorry op. I've been there. It's the hardest and most painful thing ever.

I'm glad he's gone to his mums.

I know the days and nights are so unbearably long when you're in this and it's impossible not to worry, ruminate and feel total fear.

Please reach out to people. I felt such shame when my ex left - it wasn't me there was someone else.

It gets easier gradually. Please PM if you want to.

Anonycat · 21/11/2024 09:01

He is 100% unreasonable. It may be a "done deal" for him but he has obviously been thinking about this for a long time, maybe years - and expects you to just get used to the idea and accept it in one day! Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you are the unreasonable one.

If you phone or visit Citizens Advice they will probably be able to tell you local solicitors who give free half-hour appointments. They will also be able to give you a lot of practical advice, though I know that’s not the thing uppermost in your mind at the moment. Do you have any friends you could talk to? Or siblings? Best of luck.

Sdpbody · 21/11/2024 09:02

He 100% has someone else.

HideousKinky · 21/11/2024 09:03

Your husband sounds coldly self-centred in your latest update - how on earth can he expect you after one night to be ready to get back to your "normal routines"? He has planned this possibly for months so is no doubt ready to "move forward" because it's a "done deal" in his mind, but how utterly unfeeling he is to your devastation and the time you need to process it all.

He is of course thinking only of himself - it makes him feel guilty and uncomfortable to witness your grief so he'd rather you didn't express it at all.

Be assured of one thing - everything from now on will be about him

thepariscrimefiles · 21/11/2024 09:03

Lemonsandlemonade · 21/11/2024 08:47

H has taken DS to pre school as per our normal routine.

H has told DS that he is going to stay with GM until Monday.

I've not gone to work - H reply the quicker you get back to a normal routine the better for you.

He said it's all a done deal now and we need to move forward.

Im in bed crying alone but I am going to take charge.

Edited

Your DH sounds so cold. Please realise that he doesn't have your best interests at heart so any advice from him is to ensure that your behaviour doesn't inconvenience him in any way.

WomenInConstruction · 21/11/2024 09:04

Lemonsandlemonade · 21/11/2024 08:47

H has taken DS to pre school as per our normal routine.

H has told DS that he is going to stay with GM until Monday.

I've not gone to work - H reply the quicker you get back to a normal routine the better for you.

He said it's all a done deal now and we need to move forward.

Im in bed crying alone but I am going to take charge.

Edited

Wow.
Breath taking lack of empathy.
He's just dealt you a dose of the one of the hardest things you can ever deal with and when you don't just sail blithely on he chivvies you too get on with things and get back to normal.

That's. Incredibly cold.

Cattyisbatty · 21/11/2024 09:04

Sorry to hear that, there is usually another woman.
My cousin's then-DH walked out on her one day, her kids were teens at the time. He set up life in another part of the city with another woman.
I thought he was such a lovely man as well who had really helped our family during some tough times.
Definitely concentrate on yourself and your child now and make sure you get a good deal in the divorce. As an old friend once said 'if you think your husband is a twat now, wait until you divorce...'

BigAnne · 21/11/2024 09:05

@Lemonsandlemonade men rarely end a marriage unless there's someone else. Sending love to you.

tribpot · 21/11/2024 09:06

He said it's all a done deal now and we need to move forward.

But mysteriously he doesn't want to leave the house? That's not moving forward. That's prolonging the agony.

I think you can tell him this has come as a severe shock and you won't be instantly adapting to the new situation even if he would like you to (as it will make him feel less bad). You'll be taking some time to process. But in the meantime, he should feel free to contact a solicitor to get the ball rolling.

AInightingale · 21/11/2024 09:06

Maybe he's having a 'crisis' 🙄 and there isn't another woman. OK. So suggest he stays with his parents (for free presumably) and continues to pay the bills as he has been doing, and to look after his son. No need for him to get another place - if there isn't another woman. Your son is very young and deserves to stay in his own home without the upheaval of a move. There is no fault on your side, you didn't ask your husband to leave. Call his bluff.

pinkdelight · 21/11/2024 09:06

He doesn't get to tell you how to feel or what to do. He has had much longer to get used to this and has no feeling for how it has landed on you. Very glad to hear you'll take charge now. His attitude will help you detach and push through.

WomenInConstruction · 21/11/2024 09:07

If there are any local support groups for people who may appreciate your situation it might be worth looking for them if you're RL support is a bit threadbare.
Sounds like he is the sort to be scornful towards your grief. And it is grief.
So any reaction he gives is only going to rub salt on the wound... So you need a wall of indifference in his direction and fall apart in front of others.

So so sorry you're dealing with this.

Thursdaygirl · 21/11/2024 09:09

When my parents split up, there was no infidelity involved on either side, its not a given.

NonPlayerCharacter · 21/11/2024 09:09

Lemonsandlemonade · 21/11/2024 08:47

H has taken DS to pre school as per our normal routine.

H has told DS that he is going to stay with GM until Monday.

I've not gone to work - H reply the quicker you get back to a normal routine the better for you.

He said it's all a done deal now and we need to move forward.

Im in bed crying alone but I am going to take charge.

Edited

He's had all the time he needs to check out and resolve things in his mind. You haven't and he has no right to dictate to you about it. He prepared himself and dropped the bomb, you did not get that benefit.

I'm so sorry this has happened, OP. You say you've been together since you were 16 so a part of you will be stuck there in that intense but narrow teenage world. I absolutely promise you that there is more out there and life out there. There's another story waiting for you to write it; this is a plot twist. But of course you need time to process it all and he doesn't get to dictate to you how long that should be after he bombed your marriage at his own personal pace.

Startinganew32 · 21/11/2024 09:10

Msmoonpie · 21/11/2024 08:41

I’m so sorry. If I were you I’d phone in sick and take the day to get wrap your head around it.

As others have said there will be another woman. I see posts here regularly like yours all with the husband swearing blind there’s no one else. Sometimes they pretend it’s a mental health crisis. But there always is.

Dont do the pick me dance. Go and get legal advice asap. Don’t let him call the shots.

If he won’t move out make sure everything is separate - don’t cook or do his washing. Do nothing for him. Treat him like a lodger. He may want the benefits of being married while behaving as though he isn’t.

Edited

That’s literally not true. I have seen plenty of marriage breakdowns where there wasn’t someone else. How would you like it if people said that every time a woman ended a relationship it must be because there’s another man? The OP has said she doesn’t think there is an it doesn’t even matter does it? It has no bearing on the divorce or financial matters and is utterly irrelevant.