My husband has left me I'm devastated

[Lemonsandlemonade]

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

Sorry OP but as many others have said, it's The Script. We're all here to support you

Be realistic. You've been together a long time and if things were going stale you'd have noticed and most likely the lair of you would have spoken about it and made plans for date nights etc.

He's had his head turned by someone else and that's why it's such a shock to you as he's been carrying on playing happy families with you until his relationship with the woman he's seeing has reached the point where they want to be together.

That's why its such an awful shock for you that this has apparently come out of the blue.

You are now going to see a side of him you never knew existed. It will be like you never really knew him at all.

The lies will unfold. Prepare yourself.

It's devastating now but when the dust has settled and your finances have been sorted and arrangements for your son put in place, you will be able to move forward.

You do not have to tell your son that mummy and daddy have split up as some kind of formal announcement, that's cruel.

What an awful shock. Please listen to other posters. And try not to hate yourself.
Dc doesn't need to be told anything they're too young.

Yes you are correct re having a child and being together a long time. DS is a IVF baby via a male donor ( I know everyone on MN hates this but it was right for us) but I always thought going through infertility was the hard part.

H is a good dad in lots of ways.

I feel so sick this morning.

I wouldn't tell DS anything his normal routine and things will continue. I will be normal mummy with DS because he is the most precious thing in my world.

I just don't feel mentally strong right now.

I honestly think there isn't anybody on the side with H. H doesn't go anywhere other than work or home and spent anything.

Our whole relationship has had ups and downs but we have always got through any of life's obstacles. Recently the relationship has been on. Bit of a downer but I put that down to H mood.

Based on experience men don’t generally decide to leave a marriage with kids unless there is another woman waiting in the wings. They normally lie until one week - one month later you hear they are ‘dating’ someone else…. Or in my case he moved in with someone else the following weekend. All the while telling me they felt like this for a long time and he can assure me there isn’t another woman.

Yes there is a 1% chance he’s telling truth…..but I guess the only way to really know is for you to wait and see…..

Sorry op
Please don't make any decisions regarding finances etc
Give yourself some time, gather your thoughts and then get legal advice
He is not your friend anymore , don't trust anything he says or does without bouncing it off someone else or on here first .
He's going to rewrite history and then as if by magic another woman will appear. I've never read a thread on here that starts like this and doesn't turn out that way .

I can't afford legal advice.

A lot of places do a 30 minute free consultation

Definitely there's almost always ow waiting in the wings.
Being nippy with the dw on the lead up to dropping the bombshell seems to be a recurring theme on these types of threads.

It's scary now but In the long term it will be for the best. Your ds is young he will adjust to anew situation and not remember any different.

If he has been unhappy this is likely to have affected your life as a family. You will likely be happy with out the unhappy person in your life

Don't think that because your husband doesn't go anywhere apart from work that he can't have another woman. I would say that the majority of cheating men do this with someone from work.

Yep my ex cheated with a colleague….

Oh darling I’m so sorry. I have been exactly where you are - long relationship and marriage, husband left out of the blue when our second baby was just 1. I too thought there wasn’t someone else but there was.

reading your post brings back all those feelings and here is what I wish I knew then:
it isn’t your fault.
these feelings of ‘I hate myself’ are just thoughts that you don’t have to believe- it is low self/esteem talking
get into counselling as soon as you can
make sure you allow yourself to feel these feelings, don’t numb out.

this is going to feel hard for a while but you can and will end up stronger without him.

Whether there is an OW or not we don’t know and time will tell but what is almost certainly at play here is that he doenst have the emotional capacity for the hard parts of parenting. Some men think they want it and then just find out it isn’t like a hallmark movie and get bored, then project that onto their wives. It isn’t your fault.

please reach out to someone you trust in real life and / or the Samaritans. I’m sending you so much love. I’ve recovered from all this now but I found it seismic and it’s ok to take one day at a time and be very very kind to yourself through it. x

Check out CLA for free legal consultation

I hope you’re going to take a day off @Lemonsandlemonade

Dont mention anything to your little one. Just keep up the routine for him. That’s what makes children feel safe. He really doesn’t need to know anything at this stage.

Don’t beat yourself up over this; HE’S the one leaving a wife and a child… not you.

I would get business like a put your pragmatic hat on. It doesn’t matter in a legal sense if he’s having an affair or not. It will probably come out, but your concern should be that he leaves you with enough money and assets. Try and find a family solicitor to talk to.

WRT your Mum…. I would move heaven and earth for my kids. If I was snowed in, I’d be more than happy to help via telephone.

It was a massive relief when I told my mum. It will help you too.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It is utterly devastating I know as I have been there too, though we did not have DCs.

Do you have a friend in real life that could support you? Do you work? If so, does your employer have an employee assistance programme you could get some support from?

You don’t need to tell your DS about anything at the moment. I know it will be very hard for you. I think the main thing is when you feel strong enough to get legal advice.

i’m afraid I agree with others. There will be someone else. Men rarely leave their marriages without having someone else to go to.

Please don’t hate yourself. Why would you? This isnt your doing. Focus on each day at a time so you are less overwhelmed. Try not to spend time thinking about how he’s feeling what he’s doing etc , you have to focus on yourself and DS only now.

keep posting on here. A lot of us have been through a similar experience and happy to offer support.

Thanks for all the lovely messages.

I don't really trust many people my support network is incredibly small due in part to meeting H when I was 16 his world and mine have been one for such a long time.

My DM is elderly and is struggling with her own MH and health. She has dramatically changed since the loss of her husband ( my dad ) 4 years earlier.

I am so sorry what a terrible shock to you.

I have experience in knowing the pain of infertility and then the pain of the person you went through it with hurting you so terribly, while that precious little person is so young so I truly understand.

I know you don’t want to hear the chorus of another woman, but I have NEVER known it not to be. Affairs happen within work hours more often than not. They are rarely about dates out expensive hotels, they’re more insidious, underhand and creepy than that. He has rewritten your history so he is already twisting his narrative to play the good guy who has just ‘fallen out of love’. If you watch him on his phone you’ll probably start to see the signs. A new ‘girlfriend’ will appear shortly.

All you can do right now is shore yourself up. Eat a little, keep hydrated, exercise a little and focus on being the stable parent as this unravels. He will start to lose it as the truth eeks out. Please get legal advice asap.

As for his mental health try not to go down the route of trying to save him from himself, you can suggest, you can seek support for him if your close to his family but other than that don’t get hooked on this as a possibility that could save your relationship. You need to put your own gas mask on first right now,

Again I’m so sorry, I was like you it could not be another woman, I knew him, he was incredible, honest, my best friend, he never went anywhere, I had one of the good ones, he was depressed etc etc it was an affair.

You and your precious lo deserve better than this flakey idiot!

What H wants to happen is he lives here in spare room I live separately from him but everything is normal for DS.

I said I can't do that.

So sorry op.
Could you ring in sick today?

There will be another woman.

You do what is right for you and your child.

Look him in the eye and ask him if there’s anyone else. He’ll likely deny, but you never know, and I’m sure after all these years you’ll be able to read his body language and detect a lie anyway. It’ll be someone from work, I guess.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have been through it myself and support and advice on here was great if you don't have anyone else. I didn't take time off work as work gave me something to focus on. It may help. But try and get some counselling/support from your GP. Get your financials in order too (without letting him know). Focus on your and your child and don't engage with him. You are currently in shock and will go through several emotions including disbelief, denial and eventually acceptance. It's a bit like grief. Turned out my exH was having an affair and he read the script like others have said.

I am so sorry. I've been there.
Practical advice for right now.

1. Don't go to work. Take some time off.

2. Your sleep and appetite will likely be shot to pieces. Eat what your can. Take work out of the equation until you're sleeping a bit better.

3. Kick him out right now. This is NOT your fault. This is ON HIM. Real men don't break up their young families on a whim.

4. Don't have sex with him thinking he will magically change his mind. Ditto being prettier slimmer, kinder, more flattering to his ego. This is the "pick me dance" It won't work. All wife work stops now. No cooking or washing his things.

5. Borrow to pay for legal advice. The first hour is usually free in the UK if you look for one online that offers this.

6. The two best books to read now are Vikki Stark "Runaway Husbands" and Rosie Day "How to heal a broken heart"

7. Read " The script" Hopefully someone will post it here for you as a link.

8. Sad to say, there will most likely be another woman.

No you can't do that it won't work. It's cruel.

I'm sorry to hear about your dm but she may surprise you? Having you as a priority may take the focus off her own problems? Elderly people can be strong.

So sorry to hear all this OP. It must have come as a huge shock to you. I agree that he cannot just sleep in the spare room and everything continues as normal. He needs to consider next steps. Obviously it will take time to sell the house if that’s what is agreed, so he needs to get himself some accomodation in the meantime. Stay strong OP, if he wants to end the relationship he needs to move out and financially support his son.