My husband has left me I'm devastated

[Lemonsandlemonade]

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

I know you think you can’t afford legal advice but you have to find a way. The extra money now could mean you have more money in your financial settlement. I do understand it’s the last thing in your mind.
I know you don’t feel strong but focus on one step at a time and doing what you need to for your son.
I know you don’t feel you have anyone to lean on but try to talk to someone if you can.

I'm so sorry. There will be another woman. Mentionitis much - the new colleague? The pattern starts with them trying to initiate a fight - so they can breathe a sigh of relief and blame it on you. He's an ar£e. Best wishes.

I wish my dad was here. He was the one I would turn to in a crisis

I'm so sorry - I know the pain must be unimaginable now.

But you are very very young. In time i suspect you may look back and think this is the best thing that happened to you.

For now:'

• please do tell your mum. She's having an awful time perhaps but she is still you mum and will want to support you. You need to say it out loud to someone IRL so that he can't weasel his way back.
• definitely tell DH that he has to leave today. Where he goes is not your problem. And as others have said, zero work to support him now. Do not wash his pants, or even make him a cup of tea.
• Find a lawyer who offers pro bono advice in the first instance. You can't afford not to do this. He probably doesn't realise this but you are entitled to a lot after so long together eg a lot of his existing pension savings!L for your retirement - because for the next 15-20 years your ability to save will be hampered by raising your child

Take a couple of days of work and even though your heart is breaking get angry.

Don't let him weasel his way back. He can't take a cruelty like that back. You won't be able to look at him the same way again

There might not be another woman now but there may well be one in the future and your H is freeing himself so that he can make that a reality.

Parenthood can often be the catalyst to end relationships, especially ones that were long time established before the child arrived.
You should call in sick today and then make plans to see a solicitor to find out how you stand financially etc.

It's not reasonable of your H to throw this bombshell into your life and then expect to live with you & carry on "as normal" even if he thinks this is best for your child. Tell him he needs to move out.

Will he agree to marriage counselling do you think? It's often easier to say things through a third party & right now you need to know exactly where his head is at so you can make plans for yourself.

It's horrible, I will never forget that feeling of being told your H wants to end things, it was like a physical blow. I feel your pain but you will survive this.

Nope, no way. He’s needs to go now. Totally unfair of him to be trying to control the set up.

In your shoes I’d get horribly furious. He can’t be dictating terms to make life easy for himself. He needs to feel the consequences of all this.

Tell him to go today. If you take control and be tough it’s more likely he thinks ‘oh shit’ and wants to come back. That’s if he doesn’t have someone else to go to already.

You WILL get through this.

Don’t let him stay OP. It will be horrendous. Tell him this morning that he has to go and stay with his parents/siblings and needs to have left by this evening. You will suffer far far more if you let him have his cake and eat it.

So sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there myself although my ex at least told me he was having an affair and left me to be with her. Our youngest had just turned 3 and didn’t kept asking where daddy was so eventually I just had to say he was living somewhere else.

Please reach out to someone in real life if you can but we are also here for you and many of us have gone through similar things.

Going against the tidal wave here.

My ex husband left, and there WASN'T another woman, so it does happen.

I'm not sure it's helpful for everyone to keep telling OP she is wrong. She's already dealing with finding out she was wrong about her marriage being secure, she doesn't need to be made to feel like a fool even further by women all telling her she clearly also missed the signs of an affair.

There may be someone else, there may not. If it turns out there is, then we support with that. For now, I think the only line is "he is no longer on your team, don't trust what he says" rather than every reply essentially saying, "Wrong again op! He's DEFINITELY been cheating on you!"

Hello, I’m so sorry you are going through this, but I want to say my husband told mr he was leaving me two years ago said the same things. I was broken as I had a nearly 2 year old at home etc.

we gave each other space, we talked about what our issues were (basically I become a mum and my world was my daughter & I gave no time to him)
we worked on small steps and he moved back in we were actually better than ever it really helped our relationship in my eyes. I really hope you both can work through this. You both have to do the work.

also if it doesn’t please don’t worry, Work on being good co parents my parents separated when I was 11 and They are still great co parents if anything happens to any of us they speak to each other and we celebrate family Christmas together (not Christmas Day) it means a lot.

good luck you got this

Another word of advice. Tell people and control the narrative.
"MrLemonsandlemonade has left"
"MrLemonsandlemonade has ended our marriage"
He doesn't get to hide behind a mutually agreed separation. Nor does he get to camp out in the spare room while hoping you don't get legal advice about what you're entitled-to.

Someone above mentioned marriage counselling. The use of this is really only to clarify what he's thinking. It gave me the impetus to take off my rings and realised he meant it when he left. Don't go for counselling thinking he will change his mind. That way lies heartache and disappointment.

Absolutely this.

Tell people before he has a chance to do it and twist reality.

This recently happened to a friend of mine. There was another woman despite him protesting for months there wasn’t. She is working hard to build up her support network. She’s been completely honest with family (both sides). She’s getting solid legal advice and already divorcing him and forcing contact with their children. He is already not turning up for contact and arguing about how much maintenance he should pay.

My advice? Get angry and protect your future. Accept that the relationship is over. Even if there is no other woman or he changes his mind, do you want to live with him after this? No thanks.

He doesn’t get to call the shots and stay in the spare room. Basically he’s trying to make things easy for himself, but will use the ex use that it’s for the good of your child. He needs to leave the house and live somewhere else.

So sorry for what's happening, OP. Sad to say but if there isn't another woman involved, your husband probably has someone in mind. This happened to my friend.

I'm sorry this is happening. The same happened to me 18 months ago and it broke me.

You don't have to tell your 3 year old anything at this stage. He's 3, he only needs to know when there are hard facts to explain like "Daddy is going to live in another house and you will spend time with both of us in our houses".

You do need to look out for yourself. Tell your work what has happened and take time off. You can get a fit note from doctor if it's more than a week. I struggled on for a couple of weeks before realising I literally wasn't functioning, and then took 2 weeks off. Work was very supportive. Friends of mine in similar situations have taken 6-12 weeks off work. It's like a bereavement, it's brutal.

Echoing what others have said: there is someone else. Either a current affair partner or someone he's been having an emotional affair with and wants to take it further but not "be the bad guy". Because if you dump your wife very shortly before you have sex with someone else, that's not cheating, right?

Whether or not there is someone else will have no bearing on the financial settlement if you divorce. But it is likely to affect how open he is in financial disclosure, so start finding out about your joint finances now.

And tell a friend. Or your mum. You need support because this is an unpleasant rollercoaster ride of emotions.

So sorry you are suffering. Please stop hating yourself, you haven’t done anything wrong here.

It isn’t a given that DH has OW but it’s EXTRAORDINARILY LIKELY his head has been turned. Probably by someone at work.

It is not acceptable for him to stay put. If he doesn’t love you any more then the relationship will end but he doesn’t get to stay in his comfy set up calling the shots. Off he fucks basically.

Tell everyone. You need as much support as you can muster. Tell your family, his family, friends, colleagues, everyone. Tell your boss today and call in sick.

You say you can’t afford legal advice. Mate, you have your child to consider. You can’t afford not to get legal advice. Most of the family law firms near me give 30 minutes free advice. Start there and choose someone who you feel is on your side.

What is your housing situation? Access to funds? Savings? Shares? Pensions?

It is the start of a difficult road but I can tell you are a strong woman who will recover from this shock. We are all here in solidarity.

OP, sending you lots of strength. You can and will get through this.

Do not hate yourself, hate him for ripping your family apart. Kick him out, he has done this to himself and to you all. He should have left last night already.

From now on, it doesn’t matter what he thinks or wants, you make your own decisions in your and your child’s interests.

All the advice is good on here.

• Call in sick to work, get some time to yourself and cry and get the anger out.
• Get all the financial details even though you won’t need it just this second.
• Tell him he needs to leave. He is a grown up where he goes is no longer your concern.

Good luck xxx

This service is free, they’re awesome:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

I also think there’s someone waiting in the wings. Him moving into the spare room is because by leaving and moving in with her he would be the bad guy.

This way, he can continue his relationship away from home, he isn’t answerable to you, and he has a nice warm bed every night, until he can casually drop in he’s “just” met someone.

The OP has had the most awful shock. I think she has got the message that most men leave for another woman - I really don't think it's helpful to keep repeating it. We want her to feel she has somewhere to come and feel supported here, not feel confronted.
I'm so so sorry OP. It hurts like hell, I know and do a lot of us here. The only advice I can give is to be proactive- he's been thinking about this for a while so has the jump on you. Use the fact he thinks you will be blindsided and weak to be the opposite as he WILL try to take as much from you as he can. Don't let him dictate what happens next, he's walking out, he doesn't get to stay in the family home. Take today off and start trying to get your head round it.
You'll get 1/2 of free legal advice at most solicitors. You need to get together all important documents and look into finances. I'm so, so sorry.

Half an hour! Blooming autocorrect.

@Lemonsandlemonade there's some really excellent advice on here so please read - mine was just the usual i.e he's an at£e / the Script but tons of useful stuff. Please take care and best wishes.

From a legal point of view one spouse can't make the other leave. You can ask them to go, but can't make them unless there is violence /abuse and the police are involved. Or there is an instruction from the court that one leaves.
I understand that the situation is horrendous at present, but can people not give advice about 'making a person leave' ? It might only inflame an already very difficult situation. Asking what he is going to do re accommodation is one thing, but not forcing him out.
For info, I'm just concerned about the advice being given, not the emotional support offered.