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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left me I'm devastated

501 replies

Lemonsandlemonade · 21/11/2024 00:47

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 29/12/2024 23:57

I need to try and sleep but can't because all I am think about is this other woman.

Am I mental in even contemplating messaging a couple of people who may know who this woman is?

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 30/12/2024 00:26

Lemonsandlemonade · 29/12/2024 23:57

I need to try and sleep but can't because all I am think about is this other woman.

Am I mental in even contemplating messaging a couple of people who may know who this woman is?

Edited

Try and switch off for tonight and stop torturing yourself.
Talk with your real life support in the morning.

Washingupdone · 30/12/2024 00:40

Please don’t message those people but if you want to talk to someone phone the Samaritans

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 30/12/2024 06:46

Once you know who the OW is… then what? It doesn’t really matter. I understand that it’s ripping you apart, but what would you do with the information?

As others have said, you will come to know who she is, in time.

You need to concentrate on YOU at the moment.

He is an utter utter scum bag

Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 30/12/2024 07:43

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 30/12/2024 06:46

Once you know who the OW is… then what? It doesn’t really matter. I understand that it’s ripping you apart, but what would you do with the information?

As others have said, you will come to know who she is, in time.

You need to concentrate on YOU at the moment.

He is an utter utter scum bag

I live in a small rural community in reality I could run into her in the supermarket or at the park.

I want to avoid this.

ahe knows who I am and what my DS looks like so I feeL at a complete disadvantage.

OP posts:
Ohyeahwaitaminute · 30/12/2024 07:54

…and you will bump into her no doubt. You’ll know who she is, and others will know the kind of woman she is. Will you lower yourself into attacking her?

You are not the one in the wrong.

She has not dragged your DH kicking and screaming into an affair has she? It takes 2 to tango. Your wrath needs to be focussed on him and his unforgivable behaviour.

I know that you’re going through one of the worst periods in your life. You cannot see the wood for the trees and many of us have been there and can look back and see things differently.

Seriously, let his actions speak louder than words. Your community, friends and family WILL know.

Keep your peace. Look after you and your needs going forward.

Meanwhile, we’ll be here for support. 🤗

Secondstart1001 · 30/12/2024 08:07

I know this goes against the grain but is there any way you could either put an AirTag in his car? Or if he’s taking your son pop one in his coat pocket? Then you will know exactly who she is? I have heard on other posts that women have done this.
The thing is I know you are in a lot of pain and I think you want to protect yourself and you don’t want to lean on someone you think is your friend but is doing this to you . He’s being really bloody cruel to you, He left you without the guts to say there is someone else and now this awful drip feed of information .i know others are saying it won’t make a difference who she is but it really is to you.

Washingupdone · 30/12/2024 08:21

I am not sure about an AirTag, didn’t it affect nearby a phone, warning of its presence? But I am not a techie.

Freysimo · 30/12/2024 08:27

Have you asked him who the OW is, OP? I'm not sure it would make you feel any better but you deserve to know when other people probably do.

Secondstart1001 · 30/12/2024 08:29

Washingupdone · 30/12/2024 08:21

I am not sure about an AirTag, didn’t it affect nearby a phone, warning of its presence? But I am not a techie.

I think there are cheaper versions too that aren’t made by Apple, I am not a techie too I am affraid but I read about it on a thread by a lady called Gingerloaf.

Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 30/12/2024 08:31

Freysimo · 30/12/2024 08:27

Have you asked him who the OW is, OP? I'm not sure it would make you feel any better but you deserve to know when other people probably do.

I had asked and asked. He has said it's not any of my business.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 30/12/2024 08:35

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 30/12/2024 07:54

…and you will bump into her no doubt. You’ll know who she is, and others will know the kind of woman she is. Will you lower yourself into attacking her?

You are not the one in the wrong.

She has not dragged your DH kicking and screaming into an affair has she? It takes 2 to tango. Your wrath needs to be focussed on him and his unforgivable behaviour.

I know that you’re going through one of the worst periods in your life. You cannot see the wood for the trees and many of us have been there and can look back and see things differently.

Seriously, let his actions speak louder than words. Your community, friends and family WILL know.

Keep your peace. Look after you and your needs going forward.

Meanwhile, we’ll be here for support. 🤗

I know what you're saying makes sense but I'm not a confrontational person at all.

I wouldn't do anything with the information but I would know and could put things in place to ensure that I didn't see her or indeed bump into her.

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 30/12/2024 08:39

I think worse this is that you live in a small community so you are going to be consumed by this until you know. He is so spineless. I am thinking it may be someone well know mutually to you but I could be wrong,

Hollietree · 30/12/2024 08:42

Lemonsandlemonade · 30/12/2024 08:31

I had asked and asked. He has said it's not any of my business.

Show quote history

I would try to mentally prepare yourself for this being someone you know. Otherwise he’d likely say “you don’t know her, someone from work/gym” etc.

pikkumyy77 · 30/12/2024 08:49

Just tell him other people are starting to reach out to tell you who she is and some of the guesses are really embarrassing for him, socially, so you would like to be in a position to save the reputation of everyone who is not the OW. But if he doesn’t mind all the gossip he can keep it to himself a while longer. “Love and a cough cannot be hid” so its bound to come out.

Freysimo · 30/12/2024 08:52

Lemonsandlemonade · 30/12/2024 08:31

I had asked and asked. He has said it's not any of my business.

Show quote history

How absolutely dare he! You've every right to know.

Washingupdone · 30/12/2024 09:04

Concentrate on yourself and put your energy into protecting both your and your DC’s future..
Copy all the official papers, mortgage, bank, his pension etc and talk it over with your solicitor.

Candy24 · 30/12/2024 09:14

Oh what a jerk. Im really sorry hope it isnt a friend or family member. Dont like him not telling you

Azandme · 30/12/2024 09:49

What a bastard.

There is no reason for him to get full custody, so channel your inner Michelle Obama (when they go low, we go high) and don't do anything that would change that.

I appreciate that you want to know who she is, but queens don't concern themselves with peasants. They are beneath your contempt and notice.

You'll know who she is enough. Reframe this in your head - the man you fell in love with is gone - the man he is now is utter trash. And she's taking the trash out. He's no prize - she's literally taking on a cheat, and a liar, who treats the woman in his life with utter contempt. Wow. Lucky her...

He's shown you what an absolute shit he is - they deserve each other, and you deserve better.

Find your steel core. Copy all paperwork, see a solicitor, and file for divorce first.

Curiossir · 30/12/2024 10:06

TBH it doesn't really matter what the reason is- if he wants to go, then that is all you need to know and deal with. Men don't always have someone else 'lined up'.. Best of luck.

Colourfulduvets · 30/12/2024 10:15

Curiossir · 30/12/2024 10:06

TBH it doesn't really matter what the reason is- if he wants to go, then that is all you need to know and deal with. Men don't always have someone else 'lined up'.. Best of luck.

But this one has? Got someone lined up.

trippingthelightfantastic1 · 30/12/2024 10:21

Lemonsandlemonade · 30/12/2024 08:31

I had asked and asked. He has said it's not any of my business.

Show quote history

Interesting that he thinks it's none of your business who your child lives with as on his account he and the AP will have custody of your child. What an absolute tool!

LostittoBostik · 30/12/2024 10:44

I have only just caught up on this thread.

Do not leave the house. Fight for absolute minimum 60 per cent custody of your son - aim to only give him every other weekend and one day a week. The court will not back him. He's freaking you out with empty threats.

Have you seen a solicitor yet?

Katbum · 30/12/2024 11:45

Lemonsandlemonade · 29/12/2024 23:57

I need to try and sleep but can't because all I am think about is this other woman.

Am I mental in even contemplating messaging a couple of people who may know who this woman is?

Edited

My suggestion is you go to Chump Lady dot com and start to focus on yourself. You will discover who she is in time and right now you are allowing your husband’s sick mind games to drive you crazy. He is doing this on purpose as a power play. Please please try not to engage. Sending lots of love. Remember he is now your enemy. You can’t allow him to hurt you like this.

thepariscrimefiles · 30/12/2024 12:37

LostittoBostik · 30/12/2024 10:44

I have only just caught up on this thread.

Do not leave the house. Fight for absolute minimum 60 per cent custody of your son - aim to only give him every other weekend and one day a week. The court will not back him. He's freaking you out with empty threats.

Have you seen a solicitor yet?

I agree with this. Please try and find your anger OP and start fighting for what is best for you and your child.

He wants to play happy families with his OW and your child because he will never be able to have another child with her due to his male infertility and he doesn't want to pay you child support. The thought of this should make you absolutely furious.