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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left me I'm devastated

501 replies

Lemonsandlemonade · 21/11/2024 00:47

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
BadgerHill · 28/12/2024 10:03

So he wants full custody of your son and to move in with someone he has known five weeks? Wow. I think these men must think people are utterly stupid and can’t see what they are doing when they pull stuff like this…..the script strikes again 🙄

Dear OP, sending you much love and support. I know people say ‘get angry’ etc but in all honesty in these very early days when you’re in shock that’s very hard to do.

My only advice for the moment would be to not make any rash decisions without professional/legal support and to do everything you can to try and calm your nervous system down and look after yourself. Don’t expect any understanding or support from him, a lot of them tend to get overly nasty and vindictive when they want out and will try and gaslight/make you feel like shit in all manner of ways…..don’t listen to any of it.

There are a lot of very wise and supportive women on here who will understand and guide you through.

Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 28/12/2024 10:05

AlertCat · 28/12/2024 09:46

What a bastard. So all that at the start when he told you he “loved you but wasn’t in love with you”- that was just some nonsense so you didn’t make his life too hard?
Ideally you and he will coparent, I wonder why he is now being so antagonistic? Does he have form for that, especially when he is in the wrong?

If he gets 50:50, or more- that means he is 100% responsible for childcare during ‘his’ time with your dc. I doubt he’s thought of this, as you are primary carer he is used to that being something you just do, but don’t allow him to guilt you into covering his arse for free. If he’s being hard and cold, you be factual and neutral- childcare is a part of parenting and he will need to accept that it’s his responsibility to cover while he is working, including the school holidays to whatever percentage he has care of dc for. You will need to work of course and cover childcare for your time, don’t go into financial hardship to bail him out (and this i say from experience, it didn’t occur to me at the time but ten years on and in mid life, I am still rebuilding my career and I have almost no pension to speak of; meanwhile her dad has worked full time since we split and has had no sacrifice at all for care in her earlier life).

@Lemonsandlemonade I shared this link before, but I feared the same at one point that I would lose my dc, and this is a free advice line staffed with qualified professionals, barristers and solicitors. You can talk to them and they can give you the legal picture and maybe advise you where to find a good solicitor for yourself in your area.
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

Show quote history

Thanks for the info.

He can be really nasty if he wants to be.

OP posts:
Candy24 · 28/12/2024 10:08

Lemonsandlemonade · 28/12/2024 09:47

He has threatened full time custody. Living with him full time 45 mins drive away from where DS would be based with me.

I'm such a fool and the sad side of me believes maybe I just give up and DS can have his daddy and a new mummy. maybe that's better

Show quote history

Get that thought out of your mind. Your son needs you a stable parent not that loser

Secondstart1001 · 28/12/2024 10:22

@Lemonsandlemonade he will never get 100%. He’s clutching at straws to scare you while you are vulnerable. I know at this point only having your son for 50% of the time is scary. If he lives 45 mins away this would not be fair on your son and your H chose to move away. See what your solicitor says about mediation. Don’t engage with him - do it through a solicitor as he’s chipping away at you the bastard!

thepariscrimefiles · 28/12/2024 10:59

Lemonsandlemonade · 28/12/2024 09:47

He has threatened full time custody. Living with him full time 45 mins drive away from where DS would be based with me.

I'm such a fool and the sad side of me believes maybe I just give up and DS can have his daddy and a new mummy. maybe that's better

Show quote history

Of course it wouldn't be better. DS is your son and he loves you unconditionally.

You feel defeated and powerless at the moment, but you mustn't give in to his bullying tactics. You are not a fool. Your DH is a heartless, lying, cheating twat. Try and get angry at the way he has treated you and seek legal advice.

damebarbaracartlandsbiggestfan · 28/12/2024 11:01

He does sound really nasty and abusive, above being a lying cheat. Do you have RL support? This is sounding like domestic abuse to me, please reach out to Women's Aid. Please log EVERYTHING he is saying and doing.
Why isn't he moving in with her I wonder? Is this nasty piece of work really trying to hedge his bets?!!
I'm no expert on custody but I do know that it is rare for a mum not to have at least 50-50, and a lot of mums have kids most of the time. In the (few) instances I've seen where dad has full custody it tends to be either because the mum has severe MH or substance issues, or has chosen to walk away, often with a new partner (which may involve MH issues that aren't obvious anyway). You're your little ones MOTHER, what planet does he live on telling you he's going to go for full custody? This is abusive
This man is legally the father of your child but he is not biologically his, and he has not been the main care-giver in infancy AND is choosing to bail on the family after three years, and is now causing stress and pain to the mother of his little family. Some father. Also most OW aren't keen to be step-mums, but all the time? no chance.
I credit those who were wiser than me and saw what he was about, but I do think the sperm donor issue is still a massive part of this. I think there is some weird ego damage control going on his head for acting like a massive scumbag, He wants to feel like he is a great dad and not an awful person which is why he's trying to promote the idea that he will be fulltime dad, but I have a strong sense that he will completely cut contact with your son at some near point in the future.

Secondstart1001 · 28/12/2024 11:23

There must be some legal ruling that overrides biological over legal parent, esp after his behaviour. Get the best legal advice you can. Think back to past incidents - if there is abuse in the relationship then it’s leverage that should be used if it’s happened.

Set boundaries with him now - if communication needs to be made outside of a solicitor then no what’s apps, stick to emails.

Also op, no woman going through this kind of turmoil looks fantastic. Be kind to yourself. Get your nails done, get a massage, do something that makes you feel good. This is just a horrible stage and this time next year you will look and feel completely different.

BunnyLake · 28/12/2024 12:00

You may not feel like you’re worth a lot but you are worth far more than him. It’s understandable your self esteem has taken a hit but it’s not a real reflection of your worth. It’s really important you don’t buy into the idea you are unworthy.

I knew someone once who was the prettiest (I’d ever seen) and the nicest person but her husband still cheated on her! I was stunned, but it brought it home that no one is immune to being treating badly.

Look after yourself and take control of your future.

Nannylovesshopping · 28/12/2024 13:07

northernlight20 · 28/12/2024 08:57

We all suspected this and warned her and like a lot of women on here was in denial, she said ‘she knew him and knew when he was lying’. She’s not making her feel worse, just stating facts

Show quote history

But what good does it do saying that? There’s nothing worse than, I told you so!

Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 28/12/2024 14:46

OW has children. The hits just keep on coming.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 28/12/2024 14:52

He is not s good person let that settle in. He didn’t cheat on you because of who you are but because of who he is. Everything you find out at this point is just a reminder of this fact. There is nothing you could have done differently.

Katej82 · 28/12/2024 14:53

Lemonsandlemonade · 27/12/2024 23:35

Hay a thread I thought I would update.

In the 5 weeks that have transpired since my husband dropped the bomb that he no longer loved me.

He is living in the family house as he is refusing to leave and if he leaves he won't pay a single bill which would leave me without enough money to live.

He has now admitted that he is seeing someone new. After 5 weeks he has jumped into bed with someone. He went to buy my son clothes with her today.

I have an appointment with a solicitor and also CAB.

I have applied for social housing.

I am working my way through sorting the house to try and get it ready to sell.

I was doing ok but hearing about this other woman has shocked me and made me sick.

I have a very low opinion of myself at present.

I feel fat and ugly and not worth a lot.

So sorry he will regret it, he will be on a high at present each person pretending to be perfect and amenable because of initial attraction, 6 months or so in people show their true colours and I'm pretty sure he will regret ruining your marriage for a new woman. You hold your head up high know your worth more than this it's hard but you can start again X plus sorry but that's so wrong of him to introduce little one to her so soon I think I would have put my foot down on that op. Although sounds like he's been having an affair he's on a high he will end up regretting all of this. Do you have family/ friends you can stay with? You do realise if you ask him to leave he will have to pay maintenance and mortgage if he's named on mortgage you will be able to stay until little one 18 or completed full time education. I'd get a solicitor and get your ducks in a row. So sorry xx

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2024 14:56

He wont fight for custody. Thats just his first shot to get you to back down and not fight him on anything. He knows that you are absolutely terrified of losing your son so that is his big weapon to use against you.

If he thinks that you will roll over any time he says "If you dont do what I want, I will go for custody of DS" then that is all you will hear for the rest of DS's childhood. Its a stick to beat you with, a way to control you, not something he will actually want to do.

Also, chances of him getting full residency are very very slim, you may have to come to peace with 50/50 to begin with but when he realises that that means a school run twice a day of 45 minutes each way, and holiday cover etc, it wont last. It never does.

You need to shore up your defences and that starts with a solicitors appointment. You will soon realise how little power he actually has despite what he is trying to make you believe.

Take care x

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2024 14:59

Also, on another thread where the OP has had years of dealing with a delusional ex she (on the advice of a therapist) started using the phrase "OK, let me know how that goes" when he started threatening her. Not confrontational, not aquiescent, neutral.

Might be worth trying that yourself to take the wind out of his sails. He cant have an argument if you are not arguing with him.

WizardOfAus · 28/12/2024 15:20

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2024 14:59

Also, on another thread where the OP has had years of dealing with a delusional ex she (on the advice of a therapist) started using the phrase "OK, let me know how that goes" when he started threatening her. Not confrontational, not aquiescent, neutral.

Might be worth trying that yourself to take the wind out of his sails. He cant have an argument if you are not arguing with him.

Great advice.

recurrentmis · 28/12/2024 16:24

@Nannylovesshopping I actually think "I told you so" is important here. Not directed at the OP, but directed at all the previous posters saying those stating there is another woman was wrong. The sooner posters realise this is the script, and that there is always another woman - that is the rule - the quicker these OPs can get wised up and armed legally against these waste of space husbands.

Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 29/12/2024 22:31

I am truly sorry for arguing that my husband wouldn't cheat on me. I was wrong. He has been messaging her for months. He plans to move in soon.

he won't tell me who she is which is torture.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 29/12/2024 22:35

I’m so sorry 💐

Secondstart1001 · 29/12/2024 22:41

there is no need to be sorry..: there is no value in posters being right there was another woman. Very sorry for you and I am hoping it’s no one you know. You are going to get a drip feed on the affair I am sorry to say so be prepared. Have you got any support in real life? You sound like you need some tlc x

Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 29/12/2024 22:42

Yes I have support IRL but my self esteem is at rock bottom.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 29/12/2024 22:46

Lemonsandlemonade · 29/12/2024 22:31

I am truly sorry for arguing that my husband wouldn't cheat on me. I was wrong. He has been messaging her for months. He plans to move in soon.

he won't tell me who she is which is torture.

Sadly, you will find out soon enough.

What these arseholes dont realise, despite congratulating themselves on how clever they are, is that they give themselves away wit their timeline.

No one moves in with someone they met five weeks after ending a marriage, no one introduces someone to their family when they have just started dating. His friends and family will cop on to what he has been up to.

To him, its perfectly ok to move in when you have been seeing someone for a year or two, and indeed it is. But its a bit of a giveaway that you are a cheatling lying piece of crap when you do that after a few weeks, especially when that few weeks included him throwing a hand grenade into his family.

You WILL get through this, I promise. I know right now you think you wont, but you will. Everyday it will get a little better. You will get there xx

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/12/2024 22:49

Lemonsandlemonade · 29/12/2024 22:42

Yes I have support IRL but my self esteem is at rock bottom.

But you know what? Give it time and it will be sky high! You will soon learn that what he thinks he is gaining and what you will actually gain leaves you well ahead!

What has he got? Some slapper who will cheerfully shag a married man. She has got a slapper who will cheerfully cheat on his wife. You will have....self respect, self love and the knowledge that you are an amazing person who survived all of his shit.

You are amazing. Never forget that.

Secondstart1001 · 29/12/2024 22:50

Lemonsandlemonade · 29/12/2024 22:42

Yes I have support IRL but my self esteem is at rock bottom.

I am glad you have support, this is the worst bit this drip feed. I hope it’s over for you soon as it’s so destabilising. I am sorry you feel so low, please try take care of yourself as best you can, I know taking a shower and eating and doing the basic things will feel like climbing a mountain but try. We are all hear for you too x

Thevelvelletes · 29/12/2024 23:26

Sorry to hear that on your update
You will get sound advice from others that have had this done to them.
It's on him destroying the family not you.

Washingupdone · 29/12/2024 23:39

Be strong, don’t listen to him and record or copy what you can.
Take care of yourself, try and eat and sleep to keep your strength up. Hugs.

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