My husband has left me I'm devastated

[Lemonsandlemonade]

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

I just feel sick to my stomach about it all and feel so foolish.

What a fucking cliche.....

Irony is that the "prize" she thinks that she has won comes with a side order of baggage that she wont want to deal with.

Dont let him bully you into backing down. You and your son are far far more important to this world than him and manky OW. Dont make it easy just because he tries to convince you that you should.

He is your enemy now, treat him as such. Treat yourself as you should be treated. The hero that you are.

Oh and when she dumps him and he tries to come back, tell him to fuck off.

I am so sorry, OP. I remember posting that if there wasn't already a new woman there would be one very soon and I am sad to hear that this is the case. It's so often what happens & it makes the end of the marriage so much harder.

Try not to let it make you feel bad about yourself, this is about your H not wanting to be alone, it's not about you.

It will feel hard & horrible but going forward do accept your H having your child for his fair share so that you can start to build your own life & have some freedom.

You need to set boundaries around the new girlfriend, it's too soon for him to introduce her to your son really. You should ask to meet her too, as difficult as that will be.

It's going to be tough but please remember you will always be your child's mum and no one can take that bond away. You will grow so close to him and your bond will grow stronger.
Well done on the steps you have already taken.
Be strong, you can do this xx

@Colourfulduvets unfortunately there's nothing OP can really do about setting boundaries, he is the child's father so it's his decision who he introduces her too

So sorry OP. If it's any consolation at all, some men feel extremely emasculated by infertility and using male donors to father their children. This might have contributed to him jumping into bed with the first other woman to look at him. It won't be a reflection on you as a person. You haven't done anything wrong and none of this is in any way your fault at all

He has now admitted that he is seeing someone new. After 5 weeks he has jumped into bed with someone.

Sorry OP but I suspect he has known her far longer than five weeks 💐

you are not sorry, just making her feel worse, shame on you☹️

We all suspected this and warned her and like a lot of women on here was in denial, she said ‘she knew him and knew when he was lying’. She’s not making her feel worse, just stating facts

Sorry to hear this @Lemonsandlemonade , he totally blindsided you in so many ways. It’s not your fault at all. It’s normal to trust your husband / partner to have a good relationship and he must have put on a good front pretending and hiding things from you:
It sounds like financially you made right move in terms of getting a solicitor ect. Think it’s more the emotional side you will need the support. As well as posting here, do you have family and friends you can lean on ?

The word 'just' is working hard in that sentence.

Stating a fact doesn't make it emotionally neutral.

Just because human behaviour follows a lot of common patterns doesn't mean there aren't exceptions that op had reason to believe might apply to her, and also doesn't mean that there isn't an individual experiencing shock and distress to discover that's likely not the case.

You can help someone come to terms with some hard discoveries in a way that includes care and guidance for the emotional recoil op would going through.

Or you can slap that fact round the chops and call it obvious from that start and just starting facts. FFS.

Please don’t feel foolish OP. You aren’t the first woman to think their DH would never behave like this, and you definitely won’t be the last. None of this is your fault.

You do need to get angry now. Can you instigate divorce proceedings? Take back some control that way?

I'm fully aware that I have been naive but there is no need to remind me of that. I feel so low right now.

He has said he will fight for custody and also live with her.

I am terrified of loosing my son.

EDIT: as I posted on the wrong thread. Even though my answer is actually quite similar.

Yes he can ask for 50/50 from the Courts but why does he think that he’d get full custody?!? He is trying to frighten you and manipulate you to get what he wants.

Im not surprised you’re deeply hurt.
This man though is no longer an ally, someone you can rely on because he cares for you. He is clearly on a path of full destruction (you 😢) and you need to start protection yourself and your dc.

Get angry. Go and see a sollicitor. Have all conversations though WhatsApp/text/emails so you can keep a trace of them (you’ll need to copy them too). This is the point where you need to start thinking about yourself, and just yourself.

He will be in the UK.

his plan is to live with OW and DS.

@MitochondriaUnited has posted on the wrong thread

Yes sorry @Lemonsandlemonade .
I realised my mistake too late. Full Apologies there.

Ive corrected my answer too.

Bloody hell op. That's cruel.

There are some good previous threads on here that have helped women who faced similar threats but low resources for fighting legally... Sorry I can't link as I don't have a specific one in mind but I know they have been helpful, I've seen them.
Maybe someone else can help pull one out for you.

Is he going for 50/50 custody or is he expecting your son to live with him full-time?

He sounds utterly spiteful and deluded. If you can afford it, please make an appointment with a solicitor.

There is no way that he would be granted full custody of your son.

What a bastard. So all that at the start when he told you he “loved you but wasn’t in love with you”- that was just some nonsense so you didn’t make his life too hard?
Ideally you and he will coparent, I wonder why he is now being so antagonistic? Does he have form for that, especially when he is in the wrong?

If he gets 50:50, or more- that means he is 100% responsible for childcare during ‘his’ time with your dc. I doubt he’s thought of this, as you are primary carer he is used to that being something you just do, but don’t allow him to guilt you into covering his arse for free. If he’s being hard and cold, you be factual and neutral- childcare is a part of parenting and he will need to accept that it’s his responsibility to cover while he is working, including the school holidays to whatever percentage he has care of dc for. You will need to work of course and cover childcare for your time, don’t go into financial hardship to bail him out (and this i say from experience, it didn’t occur to me at the time but ten years on and in mid life, I am still rebuilding my career and I have almost no pension to speak of; meanwhile her dad has worked full time since we split and has had no sacrifice at all for care in her earlier life).

@Lemonsandlemonade I shared this link before, but I feared the same at one point that I would lose my dc, and this is a free advice line staffed with qualified professionals, barristers and solicitors. You can talk to them and they can give you the legal picture and maybe advise you where to find a good solicitor for yourself in your area.
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

He has threatened full time custody. Living with him full time 45 mins drive away from where DS would be based with me.

I'm such a fool and the sad side of me believes maybe I just give up and DS can have his daddy and a new mummy. maybe that's better

I am sorry actually. What arrogance to think you know different.

It is better that OP knows the truth from the start. Sometimes it is best to hear it all and then you can start to heal. Worse is you start to heal then you hear a new fact that you didn't know, like it is not a relationship that started in the last 5 weeks, and it sets you right back.

Op sorry to hear your news. Him trying to get full custody, he’s not the biological father is he? I don’t know if that counts and sad to come down to the donor aspect but I don’t know if it makes any difference?

I'm sure he's on the birth certificate as parent so DNA isn't going to change that and if he's raised him for the last three years as his own it would be grimmer than grim to try to weaponise that now.

OP you need to stop talking to him, he’s being an absolute gobshite. Tell him no more chats he can communicate via email. You then have a record of these nasty chats.

Get yourself a hard nosed solicitor as soon as you can to write to him and put him back in his place. He will not get full custody and is being delusional/trying to bully you so you don’t seek a fair settlement.

Do you have family/friends you can confide in about all this for moral support?

Sorry you are having to deal with this. I
he sounds very cruel and I think you are in fact going to come out of this happier once he’s fucked off and it’s been formalised.

Do everything you can to get real life support from people in similar situations and free legal advice. If there are any, join local groups for women in your position. Keep log of/screen shots of any unreasonable behaviour e.g. threats of taking your son. Keep a diary of these things, so that they can be used in court if necessary. Keep your dealings with him bland and neutral.

In the eyes of the law as we went through proper channels to have DS he is the father. We signed papers at the time of treatment.