Wife can’t live with my son

[Zihgty]

My wife and I have been together 6 years, we had our first child 4 years ago, and my son from a previous marriage moved in at the same time we had our baby (ex wife having trouble with him), and things have been ‘ok’ until recently when my son and wife have not been getting on- my son is almost 15 btw - he seems to resent her asking him to do things around the house, and when I was out for the eveing he called her a bitch. I spoke with him and told him if it happens again he can move back in with his mum, and things have been ok since.

However my wife now tells me I have to choose between him and her- if he stays she moves out, she’s not happy living with him.

Im so depressed that I’ve been put in this situation. My son’s mum is already looking after my 2 other kids, (11 and 16). Deep down I just want everyone to get along. I love my wife and want to have a happy life with her, my previous marriage failed and this time I’m sure it’s a good thing. I also don’t want to let my son down.

any advice appreciated.

Soooo, the 4 year old is... disposable? The 'existing' children are more important - and certainly never to be disciplined or held accountable, they are just a totally innocent 'pain'. Got it.

No @Hhhhhot , the children are EQUALLY important to the op. So in the same way they wouldn't kick their joint child out for calling the wife a bitch when he's 14, you don't kick a step child out either.

Who said the 4yo is disposable?

The wife is the one planning to leave - so are you saying she thinks her child is disposable?
She is the one asking for OP to choose between the 2.

All children should be disciplined appropriately but if someone’s DH tells them to choose between them or your child, you choose the child every time.
No thought process needed.

Soooo, the 4 year old is... disposable?

Errr... no. If the wife leaves (and frankly I'd be packing her bags for her given she tried to force the OP to throw his child out of their home) then the 4 year old will have two homes and two parents who still want to spend time with them.

Whereas if the wife gets her way and the OP throws his son out of the house he will have been rejected by both of his parents and have no home at all.

That's an excellent point @Marlhmarlol

Let's be honest, those of us who have had them know that some 15 year olds are challenging. Yes, this can happen in your family too, people!

Your wife may well find she is in for round 2 in a decade's time. Kids can't just endlessly be posted around because they've behaved rudely.

Equally important but it's OK for the 4 year old to leave. The first son is the priority, all else comes second.

Ah, I see. The 4 year old has to leave HIS home and OP should be OK with that. Because the teenager has to be the priority here.

The fact that the teenager would be homeless is unfortunate, but entirely down to the shitty decisions of the ex wife and the dad. It's not a golden bullet to upend the life of another child.

Just to be clear, I'm not advocating kicking him out either, but to put his interests above the 4 year old simply because he was born first and has a shit mum is abhorrent.

you choose the child every time.

Only if they're the first born, apparently. The others are fine to just let go.

Im sorry to say this to your face, but you are a piss poor excuse for a husband and father. Standing around wringing your hands like a baby instead of sitting your ALMOST GROWN son down and reading him the riot act. This is what you were supposed to do the first day he came under your roof!

Son, you will do xyz. I am gonna be on your ass to make sure you do it. Set out the chores, behavioral expectations, homework and free time expectations, how he will treat other household members, etc.

Son, you will NOT do abc. "I will not tolerate you acting a fool, bullying the little children, disrespecting me or my wife. I. Am. NOT. Having. It. I will kick your lil ass if you even try me. I'm not ya momma!" See, that is what you were supposed to say to an ALMOST GROWN MAN.

You need to sit down and get the whole 100% story of how this boy has been treating your wife. Right now you are hiding from the truth and trying to elicit sympathy here instead of being the man of your house and taking charge. I feel sorry for your son as he is surrounded by adults who aren't even TRYING to understand how he is feeling with all these changes in his life. Nobody tells him that they love him and only want the best for him. You only threaten him with abandonment.

Bad parenting all of you.

And this is why we have a massive issue with male behaviour. No it is not normal. My stepsons would never have done this to my face and if they did both their mother and father would not have tolerated it.

Stop excusing shity behaviour.

It really is this simple , there is no way anyone is asking me to choose between themselves and my children. It’s the most useless ultimatum and the most revealing on the wife’s part

The mum chose though. Didn't want the child. Yet the stepmother is slated for the parents making poor choices in partners and then for their failings as parents.

I think your wife is being extremely unreasonable to deliver an ultimatum like that.

Teens regularly call their parents much worse to their face because teens can be little shits at times.

You were very unreasonable to threaten to kick him out of the home for something so minor. It is entirely reasonable to vent a bit under your breath out of the other person’s hearing after a row. Who here has never muttered “dick” or “asshole” when out of earshot? (They’d be lying if they say they hadn’t.)

I agree you need to continue setting the chores he does and it sounds like he is doing them.

Get over your fear of another marriage ‘failing’- you need to tell your wife that asking you to choose between her and your own child was out of order, you’d never do that to her. Tell her you choose both her and him. He’s a child and surely she can find a way to cope as he will be grown up and moving out as a young adult in only a few years anyway.

You, your wife and your son need to have a discussion on how to live together. Hopefully they can start with apologising to each other and committing to being civil to each other.

The OP didn’t say the boys mum didn’t want him. For all we know, the boy chose to live with his dad post divorce. When my parents divorced, I was an adult and my siblings chose who to live with. Two with my dad and two with my mum.

What does male behaviour have to do with it? Teen girls tend to scream, carry on, and shout horrible sweary names at parents as much as boys do.

Perhaps on MN. Its not behaviour I recognise. Teens are difficult, but they're not shits.

But they can be at times.

100% this.

I doubt her child will be threatened with eviction if he/she is a teen who grumbles about doing chores.

I don’t have step kids but both my teens can act up, be super stroppy, not do what I ask them to do, have tantrums, slam doors etc. I have one just coming out of that phase and 1 on the way in. It’s hard, it’s infuriating, but it’s what all families have to cope with. You don’t threaten them with eviction for testing boundaries.

Ah, I see. The 4 year old has to leave HIS home and OP should be OK with that. Because the teenager has to be the priority here.

Nobody said that. The wife said she wanted to leave. She can leave the 4 year old happily in his home, presumably. Nobody has suggested kicking him out as far as I can see? All that has happened is that an adult woman has behaved like a toddler and tried to bully everyone into doing what she wants: making a child homeless. And it is obvious that any parent with a spine would call her bluff and say "goodbye then! Let me know when you'd like to come back to visit our child/ discuss contact arrangements so that you can spend some time with them in your new home."

The fact that the teenager would be homeless is unfortunate, but entirely down to the shitty decisions of the ex wife and the dad. It's not a golden bullet to upend the life of another child.

Unfortunate?

No. The only reason this child is being threatened with being made homeless is because the OP's new wife has tried to blackmail him into doing so with her "ultimatum". In no normal situation would a parent consider making their child homeless because they muttered the word "bitch" once under their breath, which is the only complaint that the OP has provided about the son's behaviour. This is entirely at the instigation of the OP's wife and her "shitty decision" to try to threaten someone into making their child homeless, so it's entirely right that she is the one to live with the consequences of that behaviour which is far worse than a teenager having used an insulting word.

Just to be clear, I'm not advocating kicking him out either, but to put his interests above the 4 year old simply because he was born first and has a shit mum is abhorrent.

The OP hasn't done that, though. The wife has forced this situation with her ultimatum, the only decent response to which is to tell her to leave. She is responsible for that outcome and the 4 year old then having separated parents. She clearly isn't somebody who should ever have married somebody with children and her behaviour has been appalling and no decent parent could respond in any way other than to refuse her ultimatum.

The 4 year old isn't being required to leave. The wife has ejected herself and then residency split for the 4 year old will need to be arranged, but they will then have two homes and two engaged parents still presumably, whereas the child that the OP's wife tried to force him to make homeless is already totally reliant on the one home and parent that she tried to remove from him.

You were called selfish by a man who thought you owed him a relationship and thought you owed him childcare to boot.

Christ how entitled was he?! Im child free by choice and i would have told him to fuck right off.

Not many 4 year olds would be happy if their mum left them in their home and moved out.

Much better for them to move out together as a unit (mother & child that is)

This. This is your job its hard enough living with teenagers. You need to set boundaries for him

Not many 4 year olds would be happy if their mum left them in their home and moved out.

Much better for them to move out together as a unit (mother & child that is)

Either way, a situation entirely of the OP's wife's making because she has left him no other option but to end the marriage.

If the OP wants 50/50 residency of the 4 year old there's no reason based on the information in his posts that this won't be granted. Regardless, the 4 year old - as far as we know - still bas two parents who will bother with him and want to provide him with a home, despite the OP's wife making it impossible for his parents to remain in a relationship.

The OP's older child who lives with him, however, has only one home that he hasn't been ejected from and the OP's wife tried to force him to make that child homeless. That relationship obviously should be over at that point because there is no universe where that is acceptable and I don't see how anybody could remain in a relationship with somebody who tried to do that to their child. That child has only this home, and the OP needs to focus on providing him with security and knowing that at least one adult in his life will protect and prioritise him.

She's totally in the wrong. If you marry someone who has kids, you sign up to be an adult and at the very least, tolerate them. (Unless he's like, harassing her, SAing her, or threatening her.) Being called a bitch is something you experience as the parent/step parent of most teenagers anyway; it's such a tiny thing to want to ask you to choose over.