becoming a nurse with a purse

[cardsandpens]

in a nutshell: I have been with my DP for 12 years, no marriage, no children together (he has 2 adult DCs), no proeprty together. We kept everything separate. Large age gap, I am younger. He became so sure of himslef in recent years that nothing healthwise is going to happen to him ever evethough his entire family is falling ill to the point of no recovery, and in and out of hospitals pretty much constantly. I started gently making comments about how if he falls ill I will not be able to seek any information as under the law I am not his next of kin (I checked that), his adult children are completely ignoring him and only waiting for their inheritance (they may wait a long time DP is in his early 60s still working). DP made few comments that got me thinking 1) why do I need my properties, I should sell as we could do with some more money, I get to live for free at his house (he never wanted me to have any intrest in his house, even when I offered to pay for a big refurbishment), everything had to be how his ex wife left it, he never wanted me to go to work but I do work, he just wanted me to be at home. 2) he says thinks oh when I get incapable you can do this or that for me - clearly stating he expects me to be his carer. Now the problem is he knew I always wanted to get married, he told me that I should have proposed to him that year women were able to propose and I missed out my opportunity. Whenever I start the topic he gets freaked out. I spoke to couple of trusted friends and we worked out that my DP has a very crafty plan - he has a young partner (me) with just enough sweetner to stay around and be his free carer in exchange for not worying about rent, no marriage to ensure his entire estate goes to his DCs and I have to leave the house. Encourages me to sell up my property to invest in something together which then equally his DC's be entitled to. I asked for professional legal advise and In simple words I was told my estate will get diluted whilst they will benefit and after he dies I will be potentially left with nothing. These are our conclusions. I wonder if anyone has been/ is in something similar and willing to share their stories.

Have you posted about this before?

anyway - why would you stay? Unless you are also making a calculation that the benefits of living free etc are worth the very clear costs

I should clarify my property is not a house - it's land and shares in family business.

So now you know what he's benefiting from all this.
He wants all the advantages of a wife, without having to offer you any of the advantages of being someone's wife.

Question remains, what are you getting out of this relationship?
What's keeping you around?

He's been trying to trap you whilst enjoying your money. I have no idea why you would want to stay with someone who is so disrespectful and dismissive of you that he regards you as an object instead of an equal. He sees what you bring to his life and doesn't care that you would be seriously disadvantaged in the future. Get out, stay out, find a decent man instead.

Yes, I think there may be some truth in your suspicions. Luckily you haven't fallen for it and have kept working and not sold your investments. The fact that you're not married doesn't matter as long as you retain your financial independence. And you don't have to become his carer in future if he needs one - there's nothing forcing you to do so. But it seems like maybe you should end this relationship, as it doesn't come across that you love each other?

Get out and stay out indeed.

How old are you? What is your financial situation eg can you afford to buy or rent a house yourself?

If you've already decided your partner is being "crafty", I'm not sure what the point of asking for similar stories is?

You just end it, don't you?

I coudl sell the shares and buy an actual home for myself with a small mortgage. He keeps saying how he loves me and how we have such fab life ahead of us. My friend used the word crafty and I keep using it as I can see a lot of planning must have gone into this. 12 years is a while but I now started seeing it differently as why are we not actually married? Came here to see if others have similar experience and to get some confirmation I guess that I am not losing my mind.

I'm in my mid 60s. Been with partner for over 25 years now. He is ten years older than me. He has one adult child and three grandkids, I have no children.

We are together to this day, I swear.... because we don't live together. We are each financially comfortable and each of us own our properties outright.

In our wills as agreed between us, I have left the bulk of my property to niblings and a small percentage to siblings, and a set legacy (50k) to partner. It is recognition of our lives together, he said he doesn't want it, but I'm doing it anyway. If he predeceases me it goes to my niblings. He has left me a good bit more in recognition of the care I gave to his late mother when she was alive, and our lives together too. I am not in need of it, but he insists. Obviously the bulk of his estate will go to his son.

Both of us have living wills, DNR and POAs, enough set aside for older age and care fees if necessary. His son is very hands on and will do the best for him, according to his wishes.

Just to mention, he was in hospital recently and I put myself down as NOK and there was no problem with anything. His son lives a few hours away and would take over if necessary and of course he would be consulted about life decisions.

Nothing in life is perfect, but it seems to work for us!

Meant to add, stay independent, try to get your own property. If the relationship survives you not being "dependent" then that's fine. Test the waters.

It doesn't sound as if there is much to your relationship anymore. If your friends are flagging that he has a crafty plan then I would listen to them. It will be far harder to get out when his health does actually fail and I can't imagine you want to spend ten or twenty years as his carer

I'm sure there are loads of people with similar stories and many who didn't realise until they were screwed over. But what about you, OP? What are you going to do?

@Havalona valid points, wise arrangements your end. You are right - test the water. I already started.

You are coming across as rather passive here OP. You say you're staying because he says he loves you, but the question is do you love him? Do you want to be in this relationship? If you want to get married, why not propose to him yourself? If he says no, you'll know where you stand.

All your questions aside... why do you stay with a man who doesn't appear to be very kind to you... never mind love you?

None of us know what his crafty plans are. But if he's making you question his behaviour then I'd go with your gut.

I personally wouldn't hang around with a man who showed me so much disrespect and then expected me to wipe his arse when he got older. If the tables were turned would he take care of you?

It's one thing to put plans in place, it's quite another manipulate someone to do your bidding.

And the thing about you 'should have proposed during the leap year'...?! What's that all about? He's toying with you.

The hills are that way >>>>

I don't blame him for not wanting to get married (again?) as he has adult children. I wouldn't either.

If you are living rent free in his house and have your own assets and enjoy your relationship it seems like win win to me! If his health deteriorates no reason you can't end it and walk away (as you're not married!)

one of you said I am passive which I agree with and @JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn mentioned disrespect - what would you pin under disrespectful behaviour? I always want to know what others see that I may not.

You can say crafty, I would say he’s a bit of a shit. If he won’t marry you, get the hell out op, why stay when he clearly only cares about himself?

Women can propose at any time, as can men.
Sure, it became a ‘thing’ for women to propose on a leap year but it’s not a rule.
Him saying you missed the chance when women can propose is both his get out clause and far too much misogyny for my liking. He doesn’t want to marry you, or provide for you

But he is happy for you to care for, any fund him.

Dont sell your assets to fund a life together
Sell them to set yourself up without this user

if you love him and want to remain in the relationship
Talk to him
Tell him you want marriage and legal assurances that you will be provided for and protect your own assets first.

Firstly he didn’t want you to change the house and wanted to keep it how his ex-wife wanted it?
Red flag.
There was a similar story on her recently with an unmarried couple with children and the lady had found the partner’s will - he had left her absolutely nothing.
I am not sure how old you are but being a woman without a home is not fun, and the older you get, the harder it will become.
He is taking the piss about proposing - why didn’t he? He doesn’t want to get married but wants all of the benefits of a younger partner/carer.
Caring for someone older when they need it is hard if you have a solid relationship.
His plan - don’t marry her, have her care for me, leave her homeless when I die. And he knows full well that is what would happen.
My advice would be to get out. I am in my 50’s I am seeing this a lot with friends who have much older partners. If you are married it is an entirely different ballgame.
I appreciate the PP who has a partner and they live apart - they each have their own financial stability.
Thankfully you have assets. Protect them and leave this miserable, tight, presumptuous man and go and live a better life.

Are you sure you want to stay with this man?
It doesn't seem like you get much out of this arrangement. You get to be his carer in his old age and then you're left with nothing when he's gone? Don't sell your property or invest in anything with him. It'll end up in his children's hands and you'll be in a much worse position than now.

If you want to stay his girlfriend, make sure you're financially independent and make it clear you won't be doing wife caring duties in future. He needs to make provisions for his care and not take advantage of you. You need to look out for yourself, as he is certainly looking out for himself.

Do not, under any circumstances, forfeit your independence (financial or otherwise) to a person who you do not believe is acting in good faith.

Having just come out of a 7 year relationship in which we both kept our own houses I can 100% say do not sell your assets. Do not put all of your eggs in one basket especially at this stage of life.

It's concerning that despite having no DC's he ideally wanted you to give up work, making you totally dependent on him, and yet entitled to nothing if he dies before you - which, with a big age gap is most likely.
The upshot is that he clearly only cares about what's best for him in life. You've landed yourself with someone who is quite self-absorbed. Its all things to his benefit only - housemaid, carer, your money too if you sell your assets. How does your money and assets get to be something you both use whereas his assets and savings are just for him?
Aside from the money, you need to look at the relationship as a whole and assess if you are happy with everything else that goes on. Does he pull his weight looking after his house, share housework, cooking, cleaning? It's lucky he turned you down on paying for renovations, as that money would be lost to you if he didn't arrange for your name to be added to the deeds.
If day to day you agree with him that your relationship is happy, and you have saved a tidy sum though not having to pay rent or a mortgage for years, then just carry on as you are, you don't really need to worry about it. It's difficult to call the future, if he is fit with no chronic health conditions or bad habits, chances are he could live a long life an may, when the time comes, fall off his perch quite quickly at a ripe old age without needing a carer. My parents are still fit and well in their 80's and have never needed any care from me or anyone so far, so you could have him around being fit and well for a long time yet.
If you have spent, the benefit of not having to pay monthly rent or mortgage, then get saving now.
It might sound mercenary, but if he were to develop a chronic health condition, it would be totally fine at the time to buy yourself a property then to avoid getting sucked into being his carer, after all, you are not his wife, so there would be no obligation. Next time he jokes about what you could do to care for him in future, joke back, you're not his wife, so his care needs would not be your concern, he'd have to ask his DS.

You are not losing your mind. He IS being crafty - very crafty. He is being entirely selfish and you will almost certainly be left with nothing when he passes.

Whatever you decide to do, you need to protect yourself for the future - whatever that looks like and whether he is still in that future. Personally I would consider very very carefully, whether I want to stay in such a relationship. 'A Nurse with a purse' sums it up in a nutshell