becoming a nurse with a purse

[cardsandpens]

in a nutshell: I have been with my DP for 12 years, no marriage, no children together (he has 2 adult DCs), no proeprty together. We kept everything separate. Large age gap, I am younger. He became so sure of himslef in recent years that nothing healthwise is going to happen to him ever evethough his entire family is falling ill to the point of no recovery, and in and out of hospitals pretty much constantly. I started gently making comments about how if he falls ill I will not be able to seek any information as under the law I am not his next of kin (I checked that), his adult children are completely ignoring him and only waiting for their inheritance (they may wait a long time DP is in his early 60s still working). DP made few comments that got me thinking 1) why do I need my properties, I should sell as we could do with some more money, I get to live for free at his house (he never wanted me to have any intrest in his house, even when I offered to pay for a big refurbishment), everything had to be how his ex wife left it, he never wanted me to go to work but I do work, he just wanted me to be at home. 2) he says thinks oh when I get incapable you can do this or that for me - clearly stating he expects me to be his carer. Now the problem is he knew I always wanted to get married, he told me that I should have proposed to him that year women were able to propose and I missed out my opportunity. Whenever I start the topic he gets freaked out. I spoke to couple of trusted friends and we worked out that my DP has a very crafty plan - he has a young partner (me) with just enough sweetner to stay around and be his free carer in exchange for not worying about rent, no marriage to ensure his entire estate goes to his DCs and I have to leave the house. Encourages me to sell up my property to invest in something together which then equally his DC's be entitled to. I asked for professional legal advise and In simple words I was told my estate will get diluted whilst they will benefit and after he dies I will be potentially left with nothing. These are our conclusions. I wonder if anyone has been/ is in something similar and willing to share their stories.

all valid comments and since we are talking pension - I asked him numerous times to help me set up a private pension pot and teach me how to manage it as I never really contributed (only state pension) - yes my bad I need to get on with it. He never helped me and there were always lame excuses. I actually think he doesnt want me to have money and independence.

I think I need to set up a new thread here about pensions and maybe get some tips.

If you think this about your partner, then the relationship is dead in the water and you should separate.

You're only in your 40s? Honestly OP you are wasting your life with this selfish guy.

few weeks ago he told me I already benefit hugely by not paying rent to which I replied but I am your free servant. I do everything around the house and go to work. He refuses to do anything and it is always him rolling his eyes when I ask for help and telling me how we should have a cleaner. Even taking rubbish out is a chore.

Why do you keep coming back with the same thread and never do anything about your situation?

Jesus just leave. You don’t need his help to set up a pension, do the research yourself or ask on the money boards or talk to a financial advisor. Buy yourself a place and get going. This sounds like a shit relationship with someone who really doesn’t care about you at all.

This. Stop being so wet and pandering to him. Leave and live your best life.

You are only in your forties. Please for the love of everything, do not stay in this.
I was a carer for my dad, I absolutely adored him, but it was just me and him and it nearly killed me. It was over a long period and there was only me.
But to tie yourself to this man, who is kindly telling you to sort your future out while you look after his, it’s not love.
It is arrogance and control of the highest order.
So what if his DCs wouldn’t provide much care? He’s not your responsibility, let them get on with it, they have it easy by the sounds of it.
I don’t know why this thread has made my blood boil… but it has.
(Just for the record had a friend in a similar situation to this. They broke up and she’s now happily married to someone ten years younger. He’s proud of her, loves her being his wife!)

I’ve just read the updates. I’m going to have to lie down before I give myself a coronary!
I am not perfect, made lots of mistakes, but why on earth would any woman put up with this?

Just leave OP.

How will you be his nurse if you work? Will you give up your job to look after him?

Don’t you have work place pensions? They are often better than personal ones as your employer also pays in. Leaving work to look after him will mean no contributions going into work place pension or state pension too I think.

Imagine nursing him for ten years, then being thrown out of your home when he dies and he left you nothing.

Obv don’t cash in your property to put into his home. How long have you lived in his house?

This was my question also.

Sounds like a really good idea!! Start a thread @cardsandpens .

You thought you were a team, helping each other out.
You're not.
Dint rely on him. For anything.

The OP started the thread 7!! hours ago.

Do you really expect her to throw away 12 years with that man and pack her bag in that time? Change the way she has looked at her whole partnership and do a 180o shift?

Totally fair for the OP to take her time, think, look at how he has been in other instances before taking such a decision. Or changing her mind.
And if it takes weeks or even months so be it.
Youre not there to judge if the OP reacts quickly enough or not.

No, she's posted basically the same thread repeatedly over months and gets the same sort of advice every time.

I'm not expecting her to leave on the strength of a bit of advice from Mumsnet, but it just seems to be she wants us to tell her again how it's not right and he wants her to be his nurse with a purse, round and round.

Oh my, SO boring.

You choose to stay, you love the misery. You deserve each other, carry on with your prince charming. Stop posting the same thread on mumsnet.

He is not a good partner. I'm younger than my DH and had to give up work to care for him. The difference is that throughout our relationship, from the time he was fit and active, everything has been shared, including a substantial inheritance he got several years after marriage and my own (much smaller) inheritance. He wants me to be OK if anything happens to him because he loves me.

Your chap seems more interested in using your money to benefit him, you nursing him for potentially years and then, to add insult to injury, doesn't care if you are left homeless with nothing. I'd leave him to the tender care of his kids, tbh and get out while you have a chance to secure your own future. These are not the actions of someone who cares for you and he won't suddenly develop that mindset.

And that’s ok too.

It often take a lot of time to detangle those situations.
And then there is the fear.

If she needs more threads to convince her, then so be it.
If you find it annoying because ‘we’re telling you the same thing iver agd over’, then hide the thread? You dint have to answer or even read.

If you have lived rent free while also working for 12 years presumably you have saved a great deal of money? It’s worrying that you don’t have a private pension in your 40s. He’s clearly not going to provide for you after his death so whether you stay with him or not you need to look at liquidising your investments to provide for somewhere to live (bearing in mind a mortgage can only run until you retire) and saving for your retirement. You don’t want to spend 10 years as his live in unpaid carer and then be renting on a state pension.
Whether you can get past his deeply unattractive attitude only you know, but be clear you are out to ensure your own interests and that doesn’t involve providing any care in his old age.

I have no problem with people taking time or not taking advice, it's free and worth what she's paid for it 😂

I'd just like it if there was acknowledgement that it was a return or there was reflection on what she's heard previously, or an update on a thread, instead of a new one as if she'd never asked before.

I'm glad it has!

What is stopping you from leaving him and having a lovely life without him, OP?

Very sensible and love the last bit!! What's good for the goose is good for the gander!! 😜

The proof is in the pudding.

He doesn’t care about your welfare, so why don’t you leave the arsehole, you’re still young.

Stop clinging onto a sinking raft. The bastard knows full well that you’re a pushover and a doormat. Prove him wrong is my advice.

I think you buy your own place and rent it out at the minimum. Don’t put any money into his house. Make sure you have a plan for something happening to him, and somewhere to live. I would tell him you will only care for him if he gives you a lifetime tenancy on his house after he dies.

No I have never been in, or would ever be in this position. I don't think it's normal OP.