becoming a nurse with a purse

[cardsandpens]

in a nutshell: I have been with my DP for 12 years, no marriage, no children together (he has 2 adult DCs), no proeprty together. We kept everything separate. Large age gap, I am younger. He became so sure of himslef in recent years that nothing healthwise is going to happen to him ever evethough his entire family is falling ill to the point of no recovery, and in and out of hospitals pretty much constantly. I started gently making comments about how if he falls ill I will not be able to seek any information as under the law I am not his next of kin (I checked that), his adult children are completely ignoring him and only waiting for their inheritance (they may wait a long time DP is in his early 60s still working). DP made few comments that got me thinking 1) why do I need my properties, I should sell as we could do with some more money, I get to live for free at his house (he never wanted me to have any intrest in his house, even when I offered to pay for a big refurbishment), everything had to be how his ex wife left it, he never wanted me to go to work but I do work, he just wanted me to be at home. 2) he says thinks oh when I get incapable you can do this or that for me - clearly stating he expects me to be his carer. Now the problem is he knew I always wanted to get married, he told me that I should have proposed to him that year women were able to propose and I missed out my opportunity. Whenever I start the topic he gets freaked out. I spoke to couple of trusted friends and we worked out that my DP has a very crafty plan - he has a young partner (me) with just enough sweetner to stay around and be his free carer in exchange for not worying about rent, no marriage to ensure his entire estate goes to his DCs and I have to leave the house. Encourages me to sell up my property to invest in something together which then equally his DC's be entitled to. I asked for professional legal advise and In simple words I was told my estate will get diluted whilst they will benefit and after he dies I will be potentially left with nothing. These are our conclusions. I wonder if anyone has been/ is in something similar and willing to share their stories.

Why are you with him? He’s manipulative arse.

He's not planning to have an accident? Does he understand what "accident" means?

When he asks what provision you've made for him, you explain that if you hadn't been living with him you'd have bought a property of your own and would have been paying off the mortgage for the last 10 years. As he has been doing exactly that, he doesn't need you to leave provision for him.

Jesus he sounds horrible. You do know that a partner of 12 years is supposed to be actually nice to you?

Just leave him. And don’t go back when he begs you back because his grown ass can’t be arsed to do all the shitty work that you’re currently doing for him.

please have some self respect and just break up from him!

Quick question- is this the same man posted about a while back who wanted his much younger partner to sell up her assets and buy a B and B in Europe somewhere while he relaxed and she did all the work? People introduced the phrase 'nurse with a purse' to the poster and there were also grabby children who would inherit instead of the poster. Her assets would have been lost in the mix.
God forbid there are more men like this!!

OP, I feel that you have already left him, certainly disassociated from him and this is a positive step for you.
Please speak to a good financial advisor with an eye to purchasing a home for yourself and leave. He sounds so calculating, entitled and selfish.
Trust me, it can be done without his knowledge. There is a better life for you out there and you know that if you stay your future would be cleaning his ungrateful bum then homelessness.

I wondered earlier in the thread because the scenario seems very familiar.

Whether it’s same OP or not, the man is a manipulative arsehole not a partner.

Im shocked how many women on here don’t seem to realise you’re supposed to like the person you’re on a relationship with.

I dint think anything you say will change hs attitude 😢

The main problem is his reaction to you bringing what is a real big problem to you. And instead of being supportive, wanting to understand, he is aggressive, denies saying or doing things and then turns it around saying it’s your fault.
Look up DARVO. I think it will shine a new light on his behaviour..

I think you’ll have to accept that this is who he is - he is showing through his actions he doesn’t care about you or your well-being. But he highly cares about himself.

Have you started to look at what you can do to protect yourself now? Like buying a house for yourself? I think that should be the priority just now. I also suspect he might not take it that well.

Just wanted to say this is lovely, and IMO exactly how it should be. Well done for having such a great plan that works for you both.

Where do you want to be in 10 or 15 years time?

This man has no care where you are then.

Work out how you can best have a warm secure future. I don't think it's with him.

It doesn't sound like you like each other very much - what is keeping you with him.
It feels like you've become completely preoccupied with this issue instead of considering why you're still together, and if you'd be happier alone.

It feels like you've become completely preoccupied with this issue instead of considering why you're still together,

I think that being careful about your future and whether you’d be safe is something should happen in any relationship. It’s that, in good relationship, it happens automatically and wo drama.
But I think you’re right that the OP is using it somehow as a ‘displacement activity’, concentrating on that one point when actually the issue is much wider and systemic.

@CatsLikeBoxes makes a valid point Op, the whole threads about inheritence really but it's highlighted a lot of unpleasant behaviours on his part. The truth is he wants you to look after him but leave you with nothing. I don't see how you can be happy with a man who thinks so little of you. You're trying to make him see your point but he's not interested Op, it's his way or nothing

Your eyes are wide open now. Your place is akin to a live-in maid who lives rent free.

You MUST bear in mind even if he did change his will with a provision for you, it could be changed back without you even knowing about it.

My strong advice would be to leave him sooner rather than later, so that you can get your own house (with a small mortgage as you say), because the resentment will keep on growing. It’s like the beginning of the end.

Hypothetically, if you stay with him because he changes his will, who will benefit from your estate?

Why don’t you go away for a long weekend by yourself, get some distance from your DP and think about your situation and whether you actually want to stay in it.

It time to focus on you, not him, or his estates, children etc.

I'm glad you are going to build a base for your future security. You are in a dependent dynamic where you are blaming him for not showing you how to do things. Work on taking actions for yourself. You don't have to find the right words or justify yourself to him, you are plenty smart enough and you have value in your own right.

It doesn't sound like there is much love there and you sound very resentful. Leave if you want. You may find someone nicer.

On the face of it your arrangement seems reasonable:

• you live rent free
• he gets a house keeper/ cook
• his adult children are provided for as is right
• you have an asset to furnish yourself with a house when he dies
• if he needed care he can equity release then the council would fund the rest. You're just his girlfriend so you can refuse to help to ensure he gets the care he needs
• or you can use all your disposable income now to set up a life for the future, and he can fund your life now in exchange for "a nurse" in the future

I suggest you start looking into how it would work if he needed care. The current setup benefits you because you are not responsible but you do need to be prepared to be kicked out of your home.

Are you enjoying life together? If so, buy a house. Rent it out. If you can keep your shares that's your pension. You haven't got much disposable income because you need to fund a bigger mortgage keeping the shares and also put into pension. Let him support you. Agree that if he funds life together now you will care for him and it will preserve inheritance for his dc.

Don't get married. Or if you do get legal advice as his adult dc could still have a claim on his house. I think you can set yourself up independently instead, not deprive them of inheritance. You and your DP both get something out of the relationship.

You need to spend some time out of the house away from him to reflect on the dynamic in the relationship.
Everything is 'fine' as long as you don't challenge or question. The relationship works because your strategy is to rescue every situation from conflict or 'unpleasantness' before it happens.

You being rent free is an issue because guilt then makes you need to make a servant of yourself.

Why would you ask him for help with a pension plan? Unless he's a trained financial advisor then you are involving him for other reasons, like making a point that you are afraid to put into words.

Like many self centered men, his level of interest in you only relates to how well you are servicing his needs.
Can't believe he won't bring out his own bins!!!
He either needs to marry you or you leave and get a place of your own.

This. No need to answer his questions, no need to ask him any more questions. He's both told and shown you what little respect or care he has for you.

OP, why are you arguing the point with him?
Which part don't you get?
You are his dim skivvy who lives rent free with him.

He thinks you don't have much self respect and he expects you to not have the basic cop on to provide for yourself.

He doesn't love you, you are cheap labour.

Of course your friends see the situation clearly, its not difficult.

If you don't want more for yourself there is nothing to be done for you.

Being a carer is such a hard miserable burden.
To do it for someone who has used you and cares nothing for your future is unfathomably.

But if that is what you want for yourself then that is what you may get.
What a waste of a life, 12 years with a mean man who cares nothing for you.

Really sad.
You deserved better.

I don’t know why women do this to themselves. This awful situation is clearly
not beneficial to you and he has little respect or care for you.

I’m not much younger than you and I date fit healthy men in their 30s and I still wouldn’t tolerate nonsense from them. In fact if younger women would stop pandering to older men it would help matters greatly.

Time to move on.

I’m not much younger than you and I date fit healthy men in their 30s and I still wouldn’t tolerate nonsense from them. In fact if younger women would stop pandering to older men it would help matters greatly.

^THIS^

I can't remember whether I've mentioned all this or not...

A relative through marriage had a partner more than 20 yrs her senior. They had a child together. They meant to get married, but never quite got round to it.

When their child was 9 or 10 yrs old the partner dropped dead of a heart attack. He hadn't made a will and hadn't named anyone as the beneficiary to his pension.

He had an ex wife to whom he was paying alimony. She tried to claim the entire pension. Our relative had a good relationship with her partner's adult children - the children were in their early 20s when they became an item. As the adult children told her, in spite of that they had to support their mother.

It was a complete s*it show. The relative and her partner had been living together for about 15 years. She was fortunate in that she'd had a very good job and she had paid all the mortgage on their home. She had just handed in her notice, to quit her job.

The ex took her to court, wanting half the house. The judge threw that out and declared that the pension should go to the only minor child.

Our relative, of course, received nothing from her partner's estate. A marriage or a will would have given her protection.

When she was asked why no will had been made, she said "We thought that we had plenty time. We didn't expect anything to happen."

I don't think he's crafty as such, more that you are either very naïve or not very bright.

Currently; In general women live longer than men, but obviously those extra years are when we are pensioners.
In general men get paid more than women and are generally wealthier especially when it comes to pensions.
In general women spend more time caring for others, whether that is children, parents/relatives or husbands/partners, so much less time working/building a career.

It makes absolutely no sense for a woman to date and commit to an older man who isn't interested in doing the same, and helping you achieve secure financial health in your (hopefully) long retirement.

Because nobody is going to be caring for you and you will need to pay for cleaners/gardeners/dog walkers/taxis/bum wipers etc etc.

All the stuff he intends you to do for free.

Seems crazy to sign up for that if you have options. If you can get and keep a job and have your health and your inheritance then you have many, many options, so it really depends on what you want your life to look like. It's not like we don't know women get done over by men time and time again, you need to smarten up, take your future seriously and not waste your life.

And of course although we don't know the extent of your assets and the value of housing in your area, you get less and less mortgageable as you get older. If you only plan to buy a house once he dies (say in 20 years) then you won't be mortgageable, you likely will have stop working to care for him and house prices are very likely to have risen out of reach, so i would get your foot on the ladder and rent it out while you can. No need to tell him.