becoming a nurse with a purse

[cardsandpens]

in a nutshell: I have been with my DP for 12 years, no marriage, no children together (he has 2 adult DCs), no proeprty together. We kept everything separate. Large age gap, I am younger. He became so sure of himslef in recent years that nothing healthwise is going to happen to him ever evethough his entire family is falling ill to the point of no recovery, and in and out of hospitals pretty much constantly. I started gently making comments about how if he falls ill I will not be able to seek any information as under the law I am not his next of kin (I checked that), his adult children are completely ignoring him and only waiting for their inheritance (they may wait a long time DP is in his early 60s still working). DP made few comments that got me thinking 1) why do I need my properties, I should sell as we could do with some more money, I get to live for free at his house (he never wanted me to have any intrest in his house, even when I offered to pay for a big refurbishment), everything had to be how his ex wife left it, he never wanted me to go to work but I do work, he just wanted me to be at home. 2) he says thinks oh when I get incapable you can do this or that for me - clearly stating he expects me to be his carer. Now the problem is he knew I always wanted to get married, he told me that I should have proposed to him that year women were able to propose and I missed out my opportunity. Whenever I start the topic he gets freaked out. I spoke to couple of trusted friends and we worked out that my DP has a very crafty plan - he has a young partner (me) with just enough sweetner to stay around and be his free carer in exchange for not worying about rent, no marriage to ensure his entire estate goes to his DCs and I have to leave the house. Encourages me to sell up my property to invest in something together which then equally his DC's be entitled to. I asked for professional legal advise and In simple words I was told my estate will get diluted whilst they will benefit and after he dies I will be potentially left with nothing. These are our conclusions. I wonder if anyone has been/ is in something similar and willing to share their stories.

100% agree.

Disrespectful in my opinion is when he is very willing to receive care from your end, but offers nothing in return. Or his demand that you don't work and stay at home to tend to his needs.
He's basically saying: you need to acknowledge me as your life partner in your actions. But I will not acknowledge you as my life partner. He sees your time, your needs, your quality of life, your financial future as less important than his own.

It depends how much you want to stay in the relationship for now.

If I were you, I’d be taking the view that he isn’t willing to commit to “in sickness and in health”, so nor will you. If and when you feel like you’re becoming a carer, that’s the time to sell your shares and buy a property and move out.

I'm not sure who advised you but it's not correct that his DC would necessarily have an interest in a jointly held property- a house owned as joint tenants would accrue to you on his death (and given that he's quite likely to die first the risk is his rather than yours). If it's held as tenants in common then he can leave his half to his DC but you can also leave your half to whoever you want.

This doesn't change the fact that this relationship doesn't sound great, but what you have been told isn't really true.

@Opentooffers love it!

@cardsandpens you know deep down that none of this is right. He is a chancing, user.

When we really love our partners, we want them to be safe and taken care of.

Instead, you are going to be the full time nurse to this much older man and dedicate the remaining 'youthful' years you have to him only for every single asset including the house you call home to be stripped from you and handed over to his ungrateful kids.

You'll be out on your arse and he is totally okay with that!

Nope. If you won't dump him and move on to find real love, then at least protect yourself by going back to work and buying a retirement home and make it clear to your boyfriend you are NOT ever going to be his nurse so he should put financial plans in place to cover the cost of hiring someone.

He's getting all the benefits while you get rent free lodgings in his house until the kids come to throw you out. That isn't much of a partnership.

Sure I’ve seen this exact same problem posted before, a couple of months ago. Was advice taken?

My understanding is that the house they live in is his and she would have to leave when he dies. She has no stake in it at all.

To be annoyed I’m not in partners will???? | Mumsnet

OP, this is the recent thread that PP are referring too. In short, the OP had a long-term relationship with her DP and they shared children, but they were unmarried. His refusal to provide for her in his will would leave her homeless and effectively penniless, which leads her, rightly, to reevaluate their relationship.

@cardsandpens Have you been putting maximum into your pension. You need professional advice about that I think.
The Land and Shares in family business: How easy is it to cash those in should you need a home?

If you're going to leave him you should do it soon before he becomes old and frail and you're trapped by guilt and obligation.

You shouldn't feel any guilt or obligation, though. If you were to have a serious chronic illness, would he care for you? Remortgage to pay for your care fees? Doesn't sound like it.

You are in your late 40s op? That's so young really. You could date a lovely man your own age instead

I'm not married to my DP but I would not want to screw him over if I died. Seems almost malicious...

Run for the hills.

@cardsandpens

You need to be sure you are 'future proofed' and that when/should the time come, you can easily pack up and move out.

You work, but do you earn enough and/or have the training to support yourself/maintain a household? If not, I'd rectify that by upping hours, getting training, or changing jobs.

You don't currently own a property but you say you do have enough in land & shares to buy should you choose to. I'd investigate this thoroughly if you haven't already. How easy to sell your 'holdings', any restrictions (like selling only to family members), how much could you actually get for them, etc. Also look at housing prices where you'd want to live; prices, availability, floorplans, etc.

I'd chew glass before I'd become a carer to someone who did not value me enough to marry me or at the least provide for my future, especially since it seems he's planning on 'utilizing your services without payment'. If it were me, I'd probably be planning my exit now rather than wait until he's a 'frail old man' and his family/friends try to guilt me into staying or I appear as a ogre because I won't.

My cousin faced a similar situation with a man who had health problems and was obese. She could clearly see him 'jockeying' for her to sell her mortgage free home and move in with him because every time they discussed living together it was always saying "Of course, you'll sell your house" and pooh poohed any idea of her renting it out. He didn't want the money as he was very wealthy, but she didn't have much in the way of monthly income and his aim appeared to be to make her dependent on him for a roof over her head and thus make it more difficult to leave. There were also 'hints' from his DC how glad they were that she would be there 'to take care of him' if the time should come. She eventually told him she would never sell her house and that she would never move in. He dumped her.

@cardsandpens you can be his NOK. I am my partner's - on his medical records. He is mine.
My Dad's partner was his and vice versa.
None of us married and all have their own.

I agree with this.

Dump and run, I wouldn't think anymore about him and his grabby kids. You get one life so don't waste it on a fucking leach.

Own children.

I would never care for any man who didnt care enough about me to marry me

I feel like I’ve read this a few times. Is he also obsessed with getting his hands on your money? And just generally a bit of a shit partner?

Why have you spent 12 years with this person? And why (if you’re who I think you are) do you refuse to leave him?

Are you the OP whose partner is significantly older and wants you to invest in a business in France?

This all looks very familiar

he told me that I should have proposed to him that year women were able to propose and I missed out my opportunity.

Wtf? Is this his idea of a joke?? Women can propose whenever they want to and he's no kind of catch by the sounds of it. Sexist as well as crafty. Ugh.

If you are in UK he could do a Health Power of Attorney naming you.
If he wanted you to propose in a leap year it is a leap you now.
If you want to be married propose.
If he says no get your affairs straight and dump him - you do not sound like you like him much anyway

Older than you, no marriage, no dc, belittles you and it looks like wants you to care for him soon.

Unless this grandad is an amazing catch or looks like Tom Cruise at 60 I'm not sure what's in this relationship for you?.

Best thing you can do is leave him and go enjoy life rather than worry if his grabby dc will come after you.