becoming a nurse with a purse

[cardsandpens]

in a nutshell: I have been with my DP for 12 years, no marriage, no children together (he has 2 adult DCs), no proeprty together. We kept everything separate. Large age gap, I am younger. He became so sure of himslef in recent years that nothing healthwise is going to happen to him ever evethough his entire family is falling ill to the point of no recovery, and in and out of hospitals pretty much constantly. I started gently making comments about how if he falls ill I will not be able to seek any information as under the law I am not his next of kin (I checked that), his adult children are completely ignoring him and only waiting for their inheritance (they may wait a long time DP is in his early 60s still working). DP made few comments that got me thinking 1) why do I need my properties, I should sell as we could do with some more money, I get to live for free at his house (he never wanted me to have any intrest in his house, even when I offered to pay for a big refurbishment), everything had to be how his ex wife left it, he never wanted me to go to work but I do work, he just wanted me to be at home. 2) he says thinks oh when I get incapable you can do this or that for me - clearly stating he expects me to be his carer. Now the problem is he knew I always wanted to get married, he told me that I should have proposed to him that year women were able to propose and I missed out my opportunity. Whenever I start the topic he gets freaked out. I spoke to couple of trusted friends and we worked out that my DP has a very crafty plan - he has a young partner (me) with just enough sweetner to stay around and be his free carer in exchange for not worying about rent, no marriage to ensure his entire estate goes to his DCs and I have to leave the house. Encourages me to sell up my property to invest in something together which then equally his DC's be entitled to. I asked for professional legal advise and In simple words I was told my estate will get diluted whilst they will benefit and after he dies I will be potentially left with nothing. These are our conclusions. I wonder if anyone has been/ is in something similar and willing to share their stories.

He's playing you for a fool.

People confuse the handling of assets within a marriage on death, with those in a divorce when they are very different. You could marry but he could still bequeath all his assets to his kids (or anyone else), leaving you high and dry. You'd have to go to court to get this adjusted, if they even felt it was warranted. You are younger after all, no mutual kids and perfectly capable of supporting yourself. He sounds deeply untrustworthy and you'd be a fool to add your assets to his, unless you don't mind losing them and ending up homeless. I would just make the most of the good times, if you are so inclined, but keep your assets intact and entirely separate from his. As and when he wants to call on the nurse services you can tell him where to go.

Whomever gets the inheritance sorts out, if required, any care.

Fucking leg it OP. Whilst you can.

I wouldn't marry him if I were you - in fact I'd stay totally unencumbered by anything legal that ties you together.

If you don't already have a will, perhaps now is the time. If you already have one, then maybe you need to look at the beneficiaries again. And don't tell him what you are doing - he has no need to know. Ask a solicitor to help you make it watertight.

I think he does have a crafty plan. You provide sex, companionship and no doubt contribute to housework and cooking and share the bills. He has tried to make you financially dependent on him by suggesting you sell your investment as WE could do with some more money. He has also suggested you give up work. He is making plans about how you will look after him in his old age. He is very clear on you having no interest in his house. You can't redecorate (The house can't be that nice to live in if nothing has been updated in over 12 years.) He is currently enjoying having a younger "girlfriend" that he has never had any intention of marrying. After 12 years he is prepared to see you penniless and homeless - after you've looked after him for no doubt more years of your life. Say he has another 20 years to go. You'd be left homeless at about 70 yourself.

You should buy your own place. You might want to keep your plans close to your chest till you move out. If you need a mortgage, don't delay because if you are about 50 you don't want to leave it too late. Start prioritising your financial future right now because he certainly is prioritising his. I mean he might cough up marriage if he sees his future carer planning to move out but really he would leave you the utter minimum and who would want to marry this selfish old user so you can look after him when he is old and incontinent or whatever. It is extremely fortunate that he declined your offer to fund a big refurbishment (and it was only because he was scared you might get some sort of interest in the house). I hope you are planning for retirement too so you are financially secure too. Hopefully, you can enjoy a carefree retirement rather than playing nursemaid to a much older man in his declining years. Concentrate on your career and staying employed.

It's fine for him to protect his house as the children's inheritance. Great, it's his asset, they are his children. That's his choice.

It's not fine for him to want you dependent and asset-less, tied to him, investing in the house and caring for him, to be thrown out when he dies. However, that's your choice. Invest in yourself, protect yourself. And make it very clear that the people getting the house will be caring for him in his dotage.

This isn't actually true. Men our age want women 10 years younger.
BUT for the OPs purposes -RUN. while you can.
Better to stay single than tied to a much older and ageing man.

I think @Autumnblackberries has a point. But you could at least find a more generous old man who doesn't take advantage of you.

The younger you are when you start a mortgage the better Op so in your place I'd be buying a place asap. You can be crafty too, buy a property, rent it out and then you have a home when you need one, or just buy and move out. He's kept his finances completely separate so there's no need for him to know about yours either. If he wants to leave everything to his DC then that's his right, but to expect you to look after him in his old age only to be chucked out of your home when he dies is pretty harsh.
Time to look after yourself Op, his DC can look after him

Wanting to leave things to his dcs, I get it.
Wanting you to sell your assets to put them into his house/buy stuff for you two together etc? Nope
Staying as partners, yep I get it
Having nothing in place such as PoA, NOK, a will protecting you (aka you won’t have to move out from where you live the day he dies) whilst expecting to be his carer and actually planning his life around that? Nope No way.

Some mentioned disrespect. That’s what it is: expecting you to play to role of the good wife, incl caring for him, sharing YOUR money…. But still wanting to act as if you had no life together and he was a single man when it comes to inheritance etc….
He wants you to play a role (the wife) but is refusing to play his (the husband).
Basically, He doesn’t seem to care about your well-being. He doesn’t seem to care about you. But he wants all the perks of you caring for him (not just in old age either).

Btw I fully agree about buying a house now.
If he asks, remind him that when he dies, you’ll have nowhere to live otherwise and you will still have 20+ years in front you. No way you’re going to start retirement whilst being homeless.

So buy a house somewhere you’d like to live and rent it.

Btw I’m not sure these men (or many people for that matter) think that far ahead and are plotting the way your friend thinks he is.

But I do think a lot/most people selfish. And need to be (strongly) reminded of boundaries.
If you are happy to carry on living with your DP despite not being married, then you need to start acting as such. Plan your life, your retirement as an independent person. Dont rely on him to house you. And certainly do not act as if you were married. Esp financially. Which is, in some ways, the way you seem to have acted (assuming you would get married as some Point?)

I could sell the shares and buy an actual home for myself with a small mortgage.

This is probably your best bet - the sooner the better if you are going to need a mortgage. It also means you don't have complicated ties to a family business that might take a while to unpick - how easy will it be to sell the shares?

Then you have the choice of whether to live in the property or let it out.
Look into your responsibilities as a landlord, and what the tax implications would be. You can get a letting agency, or save a ton of money on extortionate fees by doing it all yourself.

At least you would know that you had security after he dies, and would not be made homeless when his DC inherit.

Also, think about your pension - do you need to earn more and put more in?

Well he really is playing the long game, isn't he? He wants you to not work and look after him, yet he won't do anything to look after you. He wants you to propose to him, yet he won't propose to you.

Your friend is absolutely right and I think if you talked to others they'd say the same. He's got a young woman living with him who has her own money and whom he can manipulate. Nurse with a purse is absolutely right.

I'd be off if I were you. I wouldn't wait for the inevitable heart attack or whatever to strike him. You'd feel mean leaving him then. Leave now and get yourself sorted out with somewhere to live. Mix with people your own age, too - you'll notice such a difference.

But then again you have been living for free at his house . I would start saving for when that rainy day comes . Don't give any money for the house but go halves on holidays , meals out etc . That seems fair to me .

If you need a mortgage, act sooner rather than later. A mortgage company will only let you take a mortgage up to pensionable age. A colleague divorced his wife (following infidelity on her part). They sold the marital home and both had to buy new places. He had to get a 7 year mortgage with hugely high monthly payments as he didn't have enough working years left to stretch the loan out and make the payments any smaller.

@MitochondriaUnited some great points, I actually said to him that when he dies I am not looked after and simply homeless to which he said well then buy yoursefl a place which then quite clearly indicates he has no intention to provide. He will have a terrible time if his DCs look after him as they are very selfish themselves, never celebrating Father's Day, never buying birthday gift, I never got acknowledged in 12 years other than a dry HB card, not even a call. I am in my 40s so I will look into getting on with my pension. I need to be more selfish.

Omg you are only in your forties.

I don't think he could be any clearer that he really doesn't care. What are you waiting for? You have several decades of good life ahead of you once you get rid of this deadweight

Just dump him, no arguing or explaining, just tell him you're not attracted to him and discard him.

You're in your 40s, there's a whole world out there, enjoy life, and live your life, don't let this sad sack drag you under with him.

When he says, Oh you can do that for me when I get old, point out that you wont be doing that as you are not married and his kids will have to do it.

I understand that he wants to leave his £ to his DC.

I understand that he doesn’t want to remarry, tbh I find remarriage at age 40+ a bit pointless myself when you’re both working and there are no joint children.

But a decent partner would care about your stability and security. He’s not decent. He’s crafty, as your mate said.

That’s not true of all men. Only MN men it seems 😂

It's not being selfish. It's protecting yourself. Women need to stop pretending that selflessness is a good attribute. Good sense and proper boundaries!

I actually said to him that when he dies I am not looked after and simply homeless to which he said well then buy yourself a place which then quite clearly indicates he has no intention to provide.

Thats pretty shit!
Has he, at least, agreed that there will be a clause in his will that will give you a bot of time to find somewhere to stay? I mean, if you rent your house, you’ll still need a bit of time to have it back!

I have to say, I can see what there is in it for him.
But what is there in it for you? Slightly lower cost of living whilst staying at his house??

@MrsTerryPratchett is quite right, you need to protect yourself, don't worry about being selfish. He couldn't make it anymore clear that he's not worried about your future, he'll take all you're willing to give then leave you flat.
I imagine he knows what his DC are really like, that they wouldn't bother with him if he needed care, they just want his money, it's sad but he raised those DC to be the selfish adults they've become.

Well, he said 'the quiet part' out loud, didn't he?

So I'd do it. I'd buy a place. And then I'd tell him that I like the idea of being more independent, and I'd move into it.