becoming a nurse with a purse

[cardsandpens]

in a nutshell: I have been with my DP for 12 years, no marriage, no children together (he has 2 adult DCs), no proeprty together. We kept everything separate. Large age gap, I am younger. He became so sure of himslef in recent years that nothing healthwise is going to happen to him ever evethough his entire family is falling ill to the point of no recovery, and in and out of hospitals pretty much constantly. I started gently making comments about how if he falls ill I will not be able to seek any information as under the law I am not his next of kin (I checked that), his adult children are completely ignoring him and only waiting for their inheritance (they may wait a long time DP is in his early 60s still working). DP made few comments that got me thinking 1) why do I need my properties, I should sell as we could do with some more money, I get to live for free at his house (he never wanted me to have any intrest in his house, even when I offered to pay for a big refurbishment), everything had to be how his ex wife left it, he never wanted me to go to work but I do work, he just wanted me to be at home. 2) he says thinks oh when I get incapable you can do this or that for me - clearly stating he expects me to be his carer. Now the problem is he knew I always wanted to get married, he told me that I should have proposed to him that year women were able to propose and I missed out my opportunity. Whenever I start the topic he gets freaked out. I spoke to couple of trusted friends and we worked out that my DP has a very crafty plan - he has a young partner (me) with just enough sweetner to stay around and be his free carer in exchange for not worying about rent, no marriage to ensure his entire estate goes to his DCs and I have to leave the house. Encourages me to sell up my property to invest in something together which then equally his DC's be entitled to. I asked for professional legal advise and In simple words I was told my estate will get diluted whilst they will benefit and after he dies I will be potentially left with nothing. These are our conclusions. I wonder if anyone has been/ is in something similar and willing to share their stories.

I was in an age gap marriage. At least I had the protection of marriage and my husband made sure that he made his will in my favour.

I did finish up as his carer and was the main breadwinner for most of our 27 yr marriage. He had adult children from his first marriage. They received their legal rights according to Scots law, plus a bit extra. I also gave his only grandchild what he wanted me to pass on. (I wasn't the OW. His ex is currently with her 4th partner, if you include my husband.)

All my husband's care needs fell to me. At one point, I was working full time, caring for him and both my parents. (Though my parents were in their own home with carers going in, in addition to my input.)

He had to have major heart surgery. I was driving to work each day, driving over an hour to the hospital to see my husband, driving over an hour to my parents to check on them each day. Sorting out necessary shopping for all afterwards. (Good job there are 24 hr supermarkets.)

The adult children actually cancelled a planned visit: "There's no point in coming up to see him when he's in hospital. We'll come up later in the year when he's back home."

God help me, I fell asleep at the wheel of the car one evening. Only momentarily, but it could have been catastrophic. I took one day off from hospital visiting the next day.

What I'm trying to articulate is that I had a husband who loved me very much. Of course I did that for him. You never know what life is going to throw at you...

Two years later, DH had a major stroke. I worked for another 5 yrs, but then finished up quitting work two years early. It's had a significant impact on my pension and standard of living.

If your partner doesn't respect you enough to marry you and to make sure that you're taken care of financially, OP, I'd walk. It's hard being a carer. With no protection...Well, I'd find that a slap in the face.

I did get a birthday card, when my husband reminded the kids.

One card from the son, DIL, daughter and granddaughter. No, they don't live together - not even in the same town. I recall DH looking at it in disbelief the first time it happened: "What's wrong? Could they not afford another stamp?" (They were well off.)

He warned me that the kids wouldn't come to his funeral. I reassured him that of course they would. Only recently have I realised that he meant "I'm sorry. They won't come up to support you."

OP, I was in my mid 30s when I married. I'm now in my mid 60s.

The reality of being a carer is that your own medical needs come last. I wish to God I still had my husband with me, but as I've suggested above, I was left to get on with things myself. I can't complain - I knew that would probably happen.

My husband's kids voiced a bit more appreciation for me latterly, but that was because they didn't fancy having to sort out care needs for either their father or their mother. (At one point, when DH's ex was between partners - she'd been bereaved - I felt sorry for her and finished up ferrying her into hospital for a day procedure, because there was no sign of the kids stepping up.) I actually made a point of telling my husband that I didn't mind helping out from time to time, but I would not be his ex's carer.

I've been widowed nearly 4 years. In terms of "catch-up" medical matters, in the past 4 yrs I've had:

a tumour removed from my hand
multiple vaginal and uterine polypectomies, uterine biopsy and D&C
a shoulder decompression (required because of moving and handling)
two separate uterine biopsies, the second one combined with hysteroscopy and insertion of mirena coil for hyperplasia.

My medical needs had to come second. As I've said, I wish I still had my husband with me. What I can't get my head round is the lack of respect you're getting from your partner.

You're already being shat upon from a great height. Do you want to find yourself up to your neck in it by the time you're in your 60s?

I agree with everyone else.

I would leave someone who clearly held me in such disregard. I also remember previous very similar threads. He doesn’t see you as a partner.

With regard to pensions, setting one up is not difficult. I imagine if you did set one up, he wouldn’t like it at all. So do it, and use his reaction as further evidence that you should leave him.

He sounds really grabby. His kids sound grabby. It sounds as if the whole family dynamics and values are set up on what other people can do for them and not stopping to think about others needs. This creates a fragmented and jealous family. But it appears one, where the blood ties and bonds will ultimately win in the case of inheritance.

I would start making plans to separate. He has shown you who he is and it’s not very nice.

That’s what I thought. Can’t you choose who you wish to be named as your NOK? An elderly neighbour named his carer (she’d been a long time friend who became his carer when he became ill) as his NOK as he didn’t get on with his sister.

Yes. You can choose. I work in the NHS as well.

So did I! Some very elderly people with no family left named their solicitor…

Pensions: Everything you need to know for retirement - MSE (moneysavingexpert.com)

Problem solved. You don't need him to tell you how.

You're only a bit older than me (late 30s). I am in a country with good state pension provision and only started saving in a private pension recently, but you would be surprised how quickly assets build up.

The Guardian published an article a year or two ago that pointed out the wealth gap between people of the same age who own/don't own property can be up to 300k over 30 years. Honestly, I can see easily how that happens because once you're on track to pay a 20-25-30 year mortgage, your long-term financial position is improving by the month. You have land/shares that you can cash in, you don't need a mansion, you can take your first step to financial independence and security RIGHT NOW.

Excellent post, particularly the last sentence!

Just to add - I agree with the shadiness of him wanting you to give up work to ‘be in the house all the time’ or however you phrased it - red flag! Control, ensured dependecy - he knows exactly where you are and who you’re ‘fraternising’ with - do you have security cams and ring doorbell? He will be able to observe your comings and going’s and will likely question why you left, for what purpose, who you met, who you spoke to. He’s likely to get more paranoid as he gets older, having a younger partner he may assume will begin to look elsewhere. Also - it gives you no excuse to shirk the house duties - you will be his live-in maid. If he said it’s what his wife did (and he found it comforting!?!) remind him you are not his wife.

And to finish - the reason he isn’t charging you ‘rent’ is bc that would be seen as contributing to paying the mortgage, if there is one, and your name would have to be added to the deeds (if I understand that correctly). I’ve read many threads where women who own houses don’t accept payments from partners so that they can retain all ownership rights of their property if things go south, and this will cement the fact he wants you to have none of it and make it less complicated for his kids when the time comes. Also he’d be able to kick you out instantly if you failed to live up to his wants and expectations. He’s only thinking of himself and them. Have you asked him about his will? Have you seen it? bc he probably wouldn’t he honest with you about it anyway.

As this Poster has said - you have your perfect response the next time he mentions caring for him again. You can also say you don’t see the point in adding to the value of a property you will be forced to vacate at any given time. Where’s you security, your stability? Have you asked him what he expects you to do when he dies, home-wise? Have you asked if he cares what happens to you? Uncomfortable but necessary conversations, OP. Good luck.

I endorse every word @WearyAuldWumman has written. Being the younger partner and giving long term care is very, very difficult and has a massive impact on your life, including your own health. It is hard beyond words in the context of a proper partnership/marriage.

Would I do it for someone who showed such little regard for me? Not a chance in hell. It is about their intention, not the money involved because some people have none through no fault of their own, but your partner is making choices without care for you when he could do otherwise.

It sounds to me as if he’s taking you for granted.
He sees only the benefit you are receiving ( rent free) but doesn’t value what you actually do for him including all his housework and house admin

You are basically, as you put it, his free servant.You are already his carer !

What kind of relationship is that ?

My DP and I live in our own separate houses. We both own our houses. Both have good pensions. Early on in the relationship, he out of the blue announced “ I love you but I’m not giving you my name” I was somewhat surprised as at no point did I even suggest I wanted to remarry ( we’re both divorced).
Several months later he said it feels lovely to be with me knowing if anything happens to him he’ll have a wonderful person ( me) to look after him. He thought I’d drop everything to move in and be his live-in carer!
Some people want to have their cake and eat it.

We are still together because we enjoy the same interests and the sex is great. Although we are exclusive to each other, it often feels like we’re FWB but it works for us. All our finances are separate and he knows I won’t be his nurse.

I’ve told him he can’t have a no-commitment type relationship and expect his partner to give up everything to be his carer. His DD is also not very present in his life ( selfish and won’t see him more than twice a year max).

Sell some shares.Get your own place. Let him pay for a cleaner and meet him for fun stuff only.

If he doesn’t want that, leave and find someone who values you more.

Why on earth are you with him at all? He's horrible, he's setting you up, the only situation sucks.
What are you doing?

This. Voice of experience speaking. Theirs and mine

WHY are you still there??

I bet he will use the "well you lived here rent free " to blackmail you into being his carer . Say no to this manipulation.

read the thread about the woman whom DP excluded from his will - some of the phrases are the same as in my case and I am made to feel like her, as 'grabby'

my reasoning with DP is 'ok I do not pay rent because you deliberately do not want me to but I do all the housekeeping and never failed, I feel it is balanced' but in his eyes to get financial security I should put some money into the place. My feeling is that my investment will be so highly unproportional, that the money will just evaoprate in the whole scheme of things plus I have no guarantee that over the years DP would not change who gets what in the legal docs. Living my life in fear of becoming homeless one day is not worth it.

One of the best answers here was to say next time - one who gets the inheritance needs to look after you and it aint me. The DCs are rude, tight, they meet up once or twice a year, they are in their 30s but expect for my DP pay when they go out, never buy him a gift and openly said they are waiting for their money. I avoid contact.

He doesnt value my work. I have my plan and I will stick to it. Things may not move as fast as I'd like but time to protect myself and build solid foundations.

It is perfectly fine to continue the relationship if that is what you want. What isn't fine is having no home or security if he gets hit by a bus tomorrow. Start protecting yourself. Either lots of savings for a house deposit that doesn't rely on selling land or a buy to let or even your own home that you will live in and you just date.

Put yourself first, nobody else will

I was hoping for a chat today but it ended up (as usual) him shouting at me. I brought to light my concerns about lack of security in case something happnes to him and he responded that nothing will happen to him, why should he get a heart attack, stroke he is fine and he is not planning to have an accident. (the mentality shocks me) I asked a direct question whether he made any provisions for me in case something happens and he said no he didn't and straight after asked me what provisions have I made for him? I wasn't sure what to say so he managed to spin it such that I looked like the grabby one, which I am not. I told him I am unhapy in this whole thing and I can not imagine this to continue as it is pointless, he got angry, I reminded him how he refered to me as his future carer, which now he denies that he ever said that. I mean what a manipulation. I used your point about him having benefit of wife and me not having any benefit of being one. Every sentence where I was talking about lack of marital commitment and security he was changing the subject and saying it is my fault because I haven't bought a property with him or invested with him.
I guess I am looking for your suggestions on what to say when he says 'and what provisions have you made for me'
My logic is that surely if we got married a decade ago we wouldn't even have to have this conversation now.
Clearly he answers question with a question and all is very transactional.

First, if there’s a big age gap then clearly there is a difference in how likely it is that each of you will be left alone. Second, it’s clear that if you were to die he is not left homeless. So it’s not a symmetrical situation at all. However, if you’d expect to be named in his will it’s obviously reasonable for him to expect that’s reciprocated. Would you have wanted to do that? Who currently gets your investments if you die?

But anyway, I really don’t think there’s any point arguing with him about it. You are young, you have your own income and property, there’s time to sure things up for yourself. He just doesn’t sound very nice to you, to be honest. Get out and make your own life before he gets even older and grumpier and needier. If he wants a nice future with you he has to care about your needs as well.

What would you like to happen?

It sounds like you would like to get married to him? Or would have in the past. Is it still the case?

If it is, why not just say that you want to get married, pick a date and start organising it? You've been together 12 years and he doesn't seem the romantic type, so it's not like the fairytale proposal is going to happen. So why not just get practical and do the thing?

Or would he refuse?

I think you have to decide whether this is enough for you, and if not, break the inertia and change the situation. At the moment he just seems to shout you down and you then shut up and carry on as you are for a while.

OP are you seriously asking about what to say about your provision for him?

He won’t have to sell his home if you die. You don’t need to make that kind of provision. He won’t be any worse off.

If he married you though, he would inherit your property….. although I hesitate to point that out.

But honestly he is horrible. Just leave and find someone closer to your age who won’t waste years playing cat and mouse about marriage whilst also expecting you to care for him for years before he dies and leaves you with nothing.

What keeps you in this unbalanced relationship?

My response would be goodbye.

Well I'd be ending the relationship at this point because you're being set up as a mug.

As for what to say in response to him - Fuck Off would cover it. Don't engage in any dialogue, he has his agenda and will manipulate you.

He is absolutely awful.
He is twisting your words.
Wants you to ‘invest’ in his property but doesn’t want marry you?
He doesn’t care OP.
My other half will have the security of a home if I go first and it was my property to start with.
He has never ever had to worry about that, because I love him and we are partners in everything.
You are not grabby.
He is grabby.
If you were my daughter I would tell you to leave this nasty man and find someone closer to your own age to share your life with.