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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My wife and I had a very dumb argument. What is her problem?

200 replies

joel7 · 19/11/2024 08:36

My wife and I have been married for 5 years.

Other then this dumb argument, we do get along great most of the time.

Recently I got a new job after being laid off for 3 weeks. I was filling out the paper work so I can have this job and like all jobs do, on the application they ask for emergency contact information.

Now in my first job put my mother's phone number but not anymore. Especially now that I am a fully grown adult and don't need anybody.

There are a couple of reasons.

1 I am a grown man. I am very independent and I am also very healthy. I eat well and mostly drink water and work out a lot so there will never be an instance where I am gonna need serious help from others. I can make decisions on my own.

2 in the past, when I had my first job when I was around 17 years of age, my manager at my first Job contacted my emergency contact Wich was my mother but not because there was actually an emergency. They called my mother to talk to her about my performance at work and how I can improve my performance. That caused my mother to lecture me telling me how I need to have a better work ethic and I better not slack at my job and manage my stresses better.
I was caught off guard by that. I quit that job not too long after because I didn't appreciate my manager bringing my work issues to my home.

Now I make sure not to confide in anybody when it comes to my personal stresses, feelings and especially work stresses and headaches. Not my parents, not my wife, not even my best friends.

Now here is how the argument happened, I was filling out the paper work in my home office and as an emergency contact, I put down my text free app's number.

At the same moment, my wife walked in on me and asked me why don't I put her number ?

I told her because I don't feel like it.

She was initially confused and told me that i should put her phone number as my emergency contact just in case something happens to me at my jobs location and I can't make decisions for myself. And she argued saying that she is my wife, she should consider putting her phone number on the application instead of using a random text free number.

I told her that I am grown and I can make decisions of my own and I told her to leave me alone. Being unemployed is already demeaning enough so I dont need her to nag at me. I walked away from her to shut down the argument.

What is my wife's problem? Why does she feel to need to give me grief about something so trivial ?

OP posts:
TinkerTiger · 19/11/2024 14:25

joel7 · 19/11/2024 08:43

I am grown. That's why I rely on myself only.

Why are you married then?

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 19/11/2024 14:30

CleanShirt · 19/11/2024 08:41

I didn't think 12 year olds could get married.

But full marks to OP for applying for a job at that age.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/11/2024 14:38

Your wife IS your next of kin, @joel7, and I do not understand why you want her left out of the loop if you have an accident or medical emergency at work. Your friends will not be able to make medical decisions for you, if you are not able to make them yourself, so any treatment you need could be (dangerously) delayed if work have to get in touch with your friend, and then they have to get in touch with your wife.

It doesn’t matter how healthy your lifestyle is, there are plenty of medical emergencies or accidents that could leave you unconscious and unable to make decisions on your care.

I will also say that you are going to cause MASSIVE hurt to your wife if you basically tell her “I trust my friend more than I trust you” - because that is the message you will give her by putting a friend as NOK on your work form instead of her.

Finally, I get why you were horrified by your work contacting your mum to give you a telling-off, but that has to be a vanishingly rare circumstance - I do not believe that there are lots of employers who will misuse private information like this, so I am sure it won’t happen again.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 19/11/2024 14:38

I can tell you what your wife's problem is mate, it's that she married a complete numpty.

Being "grown" isn't about pushing everyone away because you've got some weird idea that being a man is being entirely self sufficient 100% of the time. Marriage is about sharing your life. You got married, that makes your wife your next of kin. If you get hit by a truck and end up on a life support machine, she's going to be the one making the decisions about your care. That's why she needs to be your emergency contact, so that she's easily contactable in an emergency.

It's not a dumb argument, and it's not your wifes problem. The problem is you, that you entered into a marriage without wanting to be married.

I'm being a slight hypocrite here, because I'm dealing with possible health issues and I've not told my wife yet because she's got a lot going on at the moment, and I don't want to worry her until they've finished investigating it. But at least I know I'm being a fucking idiot about it. You're oblivious to even that.

Frith2013 · 19/11/2024 14:48

You're her problem.

Frith2013 · 19/11/2024 14:56

joel7 · 19/11/2024 09:10

I might talk to my best friends. I am not sure if I want to because I hate confiding in others but I'll try.

Isn't your wife your best friend?

SabreIsMyFave · 19/11/2024 16:09

What the F have I just read? @joel7 YABVU. What a batshit post! Putting your mum as a first contact and not your wife? Who DOES that? 😂

And you lost me at 'I don't need my wife to nag me!' Hmm

I genuinely pity your wife.

And we get it YOU ARE A GROWN MAN! 😆

Well act like one then sunshine!

SpringleDingle · 19/11/2024 17:01

You are a donkey - the emergency number is for checking you aren't dead / letting someone know you are dead!

Comtesse · 19/11/2024 17:08

You are an idiot.

It’s perfectly normal to provide next of kin contact details.

Your previous employer was out of order by calling your mother before, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a sensible thing to do.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 19/11/2024 17:14

Frith2013 · 19/11/2024 14:56

Isn't your wife your best friend?

Off topic but "Fuck no!"

I want completely different things from a partner than I do from a friend.

viques · 19/11/2024 17:48

I would like to beg the OP to put his wife on all forms as his NOK. Then if the worst comes to the worst she can have the ultimate satisfaction of saying to the Drs .

“ Yes” ( sad little sob that could almost be a suppressed snigger, “ He has gone, hasn’t he, you have my permission to turn off the machines. And if no one is currently available I am happy to do it myself.” Blows nose briskly on dainty lace edged hankie and checks out smart black suits and killer heels on the John Lewis website.

GogAndMagog · 19/11/2024 18:12

Frith2013 · 19/11/2024 14:48

You're her problem.

😂😂😂

LaMontser · 19/11/2024 18:22

You don’t seem to be very bright so the likelihood of you electrocuting yourself on the toaster or standing on a rake etc would appear to be higher than for the average person. You should def have someone as an actual emergency contact. But if I was your wife I’d be delighted not to be bothered. And I’d make sure your life assurance includes accidental death benefits.

Jambolass · 19/11/2024 19:17

joel7 · 19/11/2024 09:06

I am 31 years old.

I think you've transposed the numbers there.

JinoPino · 19/11/2024 20:56

Grow up.

Cm19841 · 19/11/2024 21:02

I would imagine your poor wife is embroiled in your "personal life struggles" on a daily basis...

"Personal life struggles" - how pompous too!

Put your wife down as emergency contact and stop being so disregarding and self involved. What a load of waffle to make conflict over.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/11/2024 12:52

No response from @joel7? Sad because we didn't automatically agree with him, perhaps...

CleanShirt · 20/11/2024 12:57

He's busy with his text app.

altmember · 20/11/2024 13:02

If one of your new work colleagues lays you out for being such an annoying prick, who are your employers going to call?

sillystrings · 21/11/2024 00:42

Hard to imagine a more fucked up mindset.

Get some therapy mate.
(When I mean some, I mean lots.)

The look up the word 'marriage' cos you don't seem to know what it means.

Time to cut the apron strings with your mom.

HomeTheatreSystem · 21/11/2024 06:02

joel7 · 19/11/2024 08:43

Again, I am grown man. Plus after what happened to me at my first job where my manager called my mom, I am not putting anybody's phone number down because I really don't want other people involved in my personal life struggles.

Are you in the UK?

MissTrip82 · 21/11/2024 08:22

I’m an ICU doctor.

Virtually all of my patients are grown adults. Virtually none of them can make decisions for themselves by the time I meet them.

I can’t imagine why you think you’re immune.

dontbeabsurd · 21/11/2024 13:31

Are you neurodivergent OP? Your replies indicate cognitive rigidity, overthinking, hyper independence and not understanding/struggling to conform with social norms.

TheTruthICantSay · 21/11/2024 13:46

What is it about today and posters coming on with the same whinge they've had for months, with a different version.

OP - you have huge issues, don't seem to see your wife as an actual partner, certainly not as someone who is your equal and who you love and respect. I hoenstly have no idea why you even got married. Please, just divorce her and move on.

aCatCalledFawkes · 21/11/2024 15:28

Wow what a post. This is bonkers.

She needs to get rid of you and find a grown man who will give work her number so if anything happens to him they can let her know.

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