Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

@Bumcake in his opening post he says his daughter will be an adult in 5 years, I assume that means his daughter is now 13.

As a child of divorce myself I utterly DESPISE selfish children who want their parents to remain alone.

My mam did everything for me alone all my childhood and DESERVED to have her own relationship and life. Having been the kid in your DD position I just cannot get my head around why people would want to hurt the person they claim to love.

You are right, soon your DD will fly the nest and you will find yourself alone. Don't martyr yourself for someone who clearly doesn't care about your happiness just see you only as their possession. If she cares so little about you as a person then she won't think twice to abandon you once she finds her own relationship/family to latch on as a replacement.

I know all men say this, but I am a very young 50. Run and go to the gym almost everyday and definitely don't look my age. And also, my ex wife was five years older than me, which is very rare for a man and it never bothered me.

You can't know the motives behind people's responses.
I was a single parent. I only decided to live with my partner because he accepted me and children as package and they managed to form an affectionate relationship. Otherwise I would just see him on the weekends.
I also decided to not have any more children, despite desperately wanting one because I had to prioritise existing ones for variety of reasons. I wouldn't have been with someone who insisted on a baby because as a parent I don't have the freedom to just get pregnant on a whim regardless of how this will impact the children I already have. A younger man who is dreaming about family would have different priorities and would be desperate for a baby regardless, he would be at different life stage.

So as you can see it's possible to have a relationship and have your own life without treating your child like correlated damage.

And quite honestly I find a lot of the replies to be over dramatic.
Some of us became happy with the new relationship. There was no drama, no tantrums, no feeling left out, no relegation of me to second best. I didn't demand that dad remained a widower for the rest of his life, or until I could cope. I did 'o' and 'a' levels with a small child in the house, as did several of my friends. Those friends didn't have step parents, just much younger siblings. We went to university. There was no drama, because it wasn't made into one.

When we had DS my DH was 47 so not that far off 50. DS is now 24 and DH is a ‘young’ 72. He’s been a great, hands-on father. People in their 70s are not considered as old as they were in the past. Many look much younger, live an active life, still work, travel and go to the gym and gigs, for example. His age is not important regarding prospective fatherhood and is separate to the issue with his daughter. That needs to be handled carefully, but she will eventually leave home and have her own life. I know several people who have had two sets of children many years apart. She deserves a father who looks after her best interests but he deserves a life, and partner, too.

Your daughter is scared that you will love her less - try and explain it as love expands - it doesn’t get cut in half.

@housethatbuiltme she is a child! If she were in her twenties I might agree with you.

And sorry to keep adding to the thread. My parents didn't have a good relationship and split when I was a teen. My Mum had a boyfriend for a while but I hated having another man in the house and she finished it because of me. I'm not just saying this to get approval but I always regretted my actions as she has been on her own ever since when she had the opportunity to be with a guy who really cared for her, unlike my father.

I think you have needs within your own life and I don't think you should end a relationship because your daughter doesn't like it. I think its ok that she doesn't want to meet her and that can't be forced. As other have said lots of love, reassurance and some counselling maybe is needed. I think the issue of your partner is another thing really. 6 months isn't that long and certainly doesn't seem long enough for the big commitments you are talking about. How understanding is she about your daughters needs? Can she wait for a baby ( although I do appreciate her age). You're in a tricky place. Best of luck

But you are also entitled to have your own life. Adjusting to change is surely part of growing up. Being kind and respectful to your children should not mean walking on eggshells around them.

I think what would mess up your daughter more is if she felt she could dictate your life and relationships. Part of growing up is realising that the world does not revolve around you. Your GF is not too young, that's nonsense. Look at this way, you could put any relationship off, your daughter could after university move back in with you, and still resent you seeing anyone. You could then be getting people on here saying oooh, you'd better not have a girlfriend until your daughter has moved out of the house, poor kid!

Take it slowly, carefully, Op, and be happy.

Thank you, I have told her this constantly. I give all my love and free time to her and it's a pleasure never a chore.

What makes you say that is “ very rare for a man.” 😉 According to some posters here that’s a laughable suggestion!

I think this is key, really. A teen grows up and comes to terms with things over time. Adults age, and sometimes don't have endless opportunity to achieve what they want in their own life.

Why did you get custody of your DD?
How long ago did she move in with you?
She is 13 now? I don't get why you are housebound with her - 13 is old enough to be left alone for a few hours.

SIX MONTHS?

The pair of you are insane.

Do not have a baby with someone you didn’t even know when we put the clocks forward in spring. That’s how new your relationship is.

wow, the hatred of men is coming through strongly on this thread! If it was a woman posting this, I can guarantee the answers would be totally different.

p

You’re mixing your own life experience as a child with what’s important now. You aren’t responsible for your mum’s life and it’s not your fault she never met anyone else.

What you ARE responsible for is your daughter and you shouldn’t throw a grenade into her life right now at such a delicate time.

You’re assuming leaving your partner will equate to a life of loneliness but if you’re as great as you say you are, you’ll meet someone else in the next few years that doesn’t want more kids or need you to change your life plans for them.

50 is to old. Don't be selfish.
You don't even live with this person.
So you will move them in ?
Then try for a baby and hope your dd is happy with it ?
So you could be closer to 52 before having another baby .
And your dd gets pushed out .
All so you are not alone in 5 years time

You shouldn't have more children, purely because it doesn't sound like you really want them. "I have no problem having another child" isn't the same as "I really want another child".
It's a new relationship still, you should let her go and find someone who actively wants a family with her. You'll be rushing against the biological clock into something you seem indifferent of, and that isn't fair on your DD, or the potential new baby. You don't know her well enough to be thinking like this and she doesn't have the luxury of taking her time.

Thank you. That reassures me, I'm juggling the whole process as best I can for everyone.

It’s the thing putting pressure on the situation. She could been a 45 or 46 yo, and it could still be "the thing putting pressure on the situation". There are plenty of 45 and 46 year olds or even older that would like to start a family. It's just the way posters say things like " your younger woman", "your 38 year old woman" "if I had found a 28 yo man", just goes to show most posters are fixating on the woman being younger than anything else.

Mine wouldn’t be.

Try looking at the 'my 6y0 hates my partner thread. Most people just think parents should put their children first - it's nothing to so with their sex!