Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

@HopperDash I haven't read all the replies , but I think most of the replies that I've read (especially the earlier ones), are being a little unfair to you. MNnetters are by and large against men finding younger partners, so their opions are likely to be skewered by this. Their replies are likely to be very different if the roles were reversed! If you've got the time, I suggest you do a search on mumsnet where it is the woman asking about moving in with a man or letting their exisiting children from a previous marriage know about their new pregnancy etc, you'll probably have a better idea about what the female perspective really is. You can start by reading this https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy/3661246-help-breaking-pregnancy-news-to-teenagers?page=2

It’s kind of how MN works.

OP if this was just about having a girlfriend I would say you absolutely have a right to have your own life and you should do your best to reassure your daughter and try to maintain both relationships.
However you're talking about having children and creating a new family with a woman that your daughter doesn't even know yet and doesn't even accept! Adding children and living together etc is going this one step further that results in establishing blended family.
And blended familes can only work out if all people actually do care for each other and want to be together which results in some sense of unity and mutal benefit. Otherwise it's hell on earth, especially for the first children who get nothing out of it except becoming second best in their own homes.
I used to be a single parent and I understand the need and importance of having life beyond your children. However when you create a blended family your daughter comes as a package, it's not about you and your life anymore. Now you're throwing a bomb into your child's life and you need to make sure that a new set up is in best interest of everyone and everyone will be included.
You can't just throw your child aside because you fancy a baby with new younger woman.

Where will it end though? Suppose she decides she doesn’t like his job -he needs to get a new one. Their landlord is selling the house so they have to move -she wants to move into house A and he wants to move into house B. When is he allowed to have a relationship or do something she doesn’t approve of? 10 years from now? 15 years? Or is it he does exactly what she wants forever and doesn’t have his own life?

Put your daughter first.

Whilst you're not wrong, I would add to this that there are quite predictable consequences to the OP moving the GF in and having a baby. And this will very often be adverse.

15 is a tricky age for sure .However Your child is old enough to accept a girlfriend .I would talk to her., and explain that you love her and want her to be happy.However you are still a fairly young 50 and have met someone .Explain that you need a life as well and you would like DD to meet GF. I would not mention any thing about a baby yet or moving in .At 38 she is a little younger but not a huge gap really .In a couple of years your DD have boyfriends .friends and be going out and about herself!

If this post were reversed it most likely wouldn't exist, but if it were a 40yo woman asking if she should have a child with her 28yo partner, when 1) her partner hasn't even met her existing child and 2) her existing child is clearly unhappy about the relationship I can't imagine the comments would be particularly supportive either.

...and it's pretty common, once you have a baby, to want a little sibling for it - even if you might not have thought that at the outset.

OP might be in for a couple of babies and a full on trenches style parenting era of little kid - with a very unhappy teen in the mix.

Landlord and moving house or job issues are entirely different.

This
Everyone seems to hate their step-children on this site, especially women
@HopperDash Teenaged girls are horrendous. I know because I was one. And I am the child of divorced parents.
She wants Daddy's sole attention (understandably), but of course, once she starts socialising herself, she will not want it!
Much depends on how long you have been divorced, how much time you spend together doing stuff after work/at weekends etc.
Yes, she will resent a half-sibling, and of course, with such an age gap, there will be little or no feeling of kinship. Not guaranteed to be a baysitter either
Also, you may feel full of the joys of spring at 50, but by the time you've intorduced the woman, done all the courting, meeting families, etc, you'll be older. And you'll be knackered with a new baby.

The constant emphasis on OP's girlfriend being younger is hilarious 😂

No they wouldn’t t be. But it’s popular to paint MNers as somehow disingenuous in their concern for posters’ children.

It’s not a massive leap when she appears to want to police whether he has any more children. I’m sure anything is fair game!

Bit judgemental.

Quite. It’s the least of the issue surely?

You seem to be putting your girlfriend’s desire for a child above your OWN CHILD’S needs and your responsibility to meet them.

Not a ‘great Dad’ at all.

You yourself have absolutely no need to have a child at 50+. You are doing it to keep your girlfriend happy. Your responsibility for your DD’s emotional health, considering the break up of her family unit should be your priority, not forcing her into playing happy families with your girlfriend and a new baby..

Why does she not see her mother? Has she moved on and had a new family too?

Thanks everyone for your point of view. Seems like I opened a can of worms.
Again I am on Mumsnet for the female perspective as my male friends obviously have a different take on it.

To clarify and give further context. My ex wife and I were together for over 20 years. She had been saying for over four years that she did not want to be with me anymore and instead of me agreeing with her and separating sooner, which I wish I had done now, I stupidly thought we could work things through for our and our daughter's sake as she would go back to being okay again for a while. However, it built up to the point where she had enough and left us, divorced me and is now renting somewhere else. If my daughter had a better relationship with her maybe things wouldn't be so difficult. But she carries a lot of resentment to her mother.

I am a transparent person and parent, and always tell me daughter the truth if she asks. I've not gone behind her back. I told her I wanted to find someone before I did. I give her constant reassurance and love. She definitely knows she's loved and cared for by me. The problem is not only am I a single parent, I also have no family network around me for support and only a couple of parents who can help out. This means while it's probably made our bond better it's also made her more dependant on me. This is fine, she means the world to me but I am housebound and I don't think it's fair I spend the next six to how many years locked away from the world and life.

The relationship has been six months, my new partner hasn't put pressure on me but I know she would want a child eventually and I'm torn as I genuinely like her, it's definitely not purely sexual or a fling with someone younger. Is 38 so young, that's a grown adult for me? I have no problem having another child, I wanted more originally, but my wife didn't, so I respected this.

I think yes, my daughter needs to meet her and get comfortable with her hopefully at some point, but as I say I am torn. It's not just about being alone but I feel I have something to offer the right person and am a good man, there are some of us out there!

It's finding that balance. In a few years she'll have her own life and likely a boyfriend and she'll see this point of view I think, but I feel waiting till then will be too late for me to move on. But, I certainly don't want to mess her up, that is never my intention.

If she was his age she wouldn’t be pushing for a baby though.

Now is not the time to be bringing another child into the family and really it's not going to be feasible at all.

Blended families work fine but the teenage years are tricky at the best of times. When your daughter hasn't even met your girlfriend there needs to be a few years of building a relationship before even considering a new child which at your ages you don't have.

Both of my parents got into new relationships after they split up. I lived with my mum and stepdad and thankfully they didn't have a baby, I was already a hormonal stroppy teenager adjusting to the new normal, a baby would have pushed me over the edge.

My dad and stepmum did go on to have a child but by the time they did I was a fully fledged adult so it had no impact on my day to day life. Had they had one whilst I was a young teenager I probably would have stopped visiting because again, adjusting to a whole new set up was hard enough without throwing a bomb into it.

You are absolutely entitled to have a private relationship, what you choose to do in your own time has nothing to do with your daughter as long as you are not neglecting her needs in favour of the new girlfriend. Don't live together and I'm sure a relationship between the two would develop positively and after a long period of time you can live together, especially as your daughter will be a grown adult starting her own life.

Besides, who at 50 wants to go through babyhood all over again. The sleepless nights, nappy changes, tantrums, child proofing everything and not having any sort of independence for years. I'm 38 with a 7 and 9 year old and I look at those with younger children having to follow them about, worry about leaving coins on the side and I'm so glad I'm out of that. The most dangerous thing about leaving money out now is that it gets "moved" not eaten!

Instakilogram · Today 09:54
The constant emphasis on OP's girlfriend being younger is hilarious 😂
*
Yeah, I noticed that.

OP, you have the right to happiness and your own life, but you are going to have to about this sensitively. I would introduce your GF to her, get some family counseling... Your daughter will in 5 years leave the house and have her own life. You deserve some happiness in yours too.

It's relevant because if OP had a partner of a similar age then children wouldn't be a consideration and this post wouldn't exist.

Your relationship is six months old, you are massively jumping the gun with the baby stuff. Just introduce the two of them and see how it goes.

You’ve still not said how old your daughter is.

Mumsnet is vile to men. If this was a woman on seeking advice about her younger boyfriend and her teen not accepting her partner then the advice would be totally different from this post.

Your dd is feeling very vulnerable worried that she will be pushed out, replaced, loved less due to your partner. Unfortunately you can’t put your life on hold. You just need to reassure her, spend plenty time with her.

as for all these posters saying you are a rubbish father due to who you are dating.. what nonsense. A 12 yr age gap isn’t that big however I wouldn’t want to be starting with a new baby at the age of 50!

It’s the thing putting pressure on the situation.