Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I know the response on here won't have been what you were hoping, sadly.

I would recommend family counselling but also some counselling for yourself.

Kindly, I wonder if you sometimes try and continue relationships at the detriment to other things / are unable to detach from partners. I genuinely don't mean that as a criticism, it's something many of us do. But you mention that you didn't accept your ex-wife wanted to end the relationship for many years and now after only 6 months you seem desperate to do what you can to keep your GF and are planning a baby after no time at all, even though you seem at very different stages or life and unable to give each other what they need. And you don't say you love her, just you 'genuinely like her'.

I would explore this before making any decisions regarding moving in partners or having more babies.

It sounds as though you're doing what you can. She is just immature because she's young. I don't think it makes sense to have everyone's lives dictated by the least mature person.

I think you're being piled on here because you are with a younger woman, so PPs have you painted in their heads as a shallow bloke who will trade in every 10 years for a better-looking model.

In my second marriage, my DH is much younger than me. Neither of us planned it that way - you don't get to choose who you're compatible with...!

Six months!!! You’ve been together SIX MONTHS and you’re considering a baby and you’re wondering why your daughter isn’t embracing this with open arms?

This is insanity. Six months is too soon for any couple of any life stage to decide they want a baby together. You have no way of knowing if this relationship is good for the long term even without the added pressures of a new baby and a miserable teenager whose life you have wrecked.

The age of your girlfriend is hugely relevant here because it is that which is pushing you towards considering a baby when it’s so obviously not the time for it. If she was 30 (NOT saying you should date 30 years olds, that would be terrible) she would have plenty of fertile years ahead of her and you could take your time. If she was 45 it would almost certainly be too late and children would be off the table. At 38 she could potentially just about have a baby if she acts soon, so there is a lot of pressure and that’s forcing you to consider stupid scenarios like choosing, at 50, to have a baby with someone you barely just met against the express wishes and to the huge distress of your teenage daughter.

This has abject disaster written all over it but somehow I expect you’re not going to listen to the very consistent advice on here and it’s your daughter who will pay the price.

This.

Your daughter is obviously going to feel “replaced” as you’ve decided to start again with a much younger woman.

And I say that as the replacement child. This could all have been avoided had you dated women your own age. Also…would you have wanted a father in his 60s picking you up from Primary School? I really don’t buy that you are thinking of the best interests of the child you have or any future children, to be frank.

“…..has stated that she doesn't want to meet her”

Your daughter and girlfriend haven’t even met each other?

OP, you are completely jumping the gun here. Even without a teenager I would still say you are both moving too fast.

This woman's fertility clock is ticking - you're not the right man for her as you need to take it slow. Don't string her along, end it now. 6m far too early to be thinking about more kids in your situation.

You are cherry-picking responses op to suit your agenda.

Doesn't everyone cherry pick the responses?

If he’s housebound how is he meeting up the the 38 year old?

But what if I'm happy to have another child. I've seen hundreds of Dads at school who look or are way older than me. Also, my daughter, and I have to emphasise this before is wonderful and not capricious despite how this part sounds, tells me she doesn't want me to be with someone who wants a child nor someone who already has one! This limits me quite considerably. Surely, it's about the person as well as just having someone. I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong person, what I'm saying is my time is finite in finding the right person. One thing about age for sure, is that the process won't get easier with time.

Mumsnet is vile to men. If this was a woman on seeking advice about her younger boyfriend and her teen not accepting her partner then the advice would be totally different from this post

@2chocolateoranges You're an 'alternative facts' fan then?

Because in reality there are regular posts from single mothers on here about relationships and dating and they also get the same sort of responses. The main difference is that women posters are also warned of the danger of paedophiles and sexual predators seeking out single mums, something OP thankfully does not need to worry about.

My child means everything to me

If you're not in a position to give your girlfriend a child because her clock is ticking, without causing huge rupture to your relationship with your existing child, then do not do it.

And for goodness sake, SIX MONTHS?!

No, don’t introduce your 12/13 year old child to a woman that you barely know. Six months is not long enough to be considering bringing a new human being into the world.

You should not be considering having children with a woman you have only known for six months- absolutely ridiculous.

Your girlfriend is too young for you, regardless how young you look or feel. You're 6 months in already considering a baby with her - are you mad?! Already considering moving her in - are you mad?!

You're allowed a relationship. But while you're daughter is probably worried about being pushed out, she's also probably thinking that things are moving extremely fast.

I agree with @premierleague here:

This woman's fertility clock is ticking - you're not the right man for her as you need to take it slow. Don't string her along, end it now. 6m far too early to be thinking about more kids in your situation.

OP like I said previously you need to separate having a girlfriend and having a blended family. First one is absolutely you choice and right, second one involves your daughter.
As a parent, your decision to have a new baby is ALWAYS weighted against the needs of existing children but becomes 100% more complicated when it involves new partner aswell. Your girlfriend is at different stage in life because she will probably be desperate for a baby and her time is running out.

I know exactly how it is to be a single parent and know how important having your own life is. However I would never decide to live together with someone who didn't bond well with my children and I would definitely didn't have a baby in that situation.

You can wait and see or wait until your daughter leaves home, that would be sensible, but by then your girlfriend could lose out on ability to become a mum. You being "young 50" doesn't mean you're at same life stage neither it means you will be young when you're 70 and have teenagers.
If your girlfriend already had a child and was open but not desperate for another my advice would be to take it slow and see.

@HopperDash the responses you are getting don’t surprise me in the least and I’m sorry you are in this situation. There was a post recently about a teenage daughter not wanting to meet her mums partner. The advice was generally she shouldn’t be dictating that her mum must live a life of chastity hence forth.

does your daughter expect you to remain single forever.

does your daughter understand that whilst she is your world - as adults we also crave a loving fulfilling relationship with other adults?

does she understand you will love her regardless of whom else is in your or hers life.

you will love her still in a few years when she’s off to uni or living on her own and you are left at home..

has mum also moved on and your DD is clinging to the idea that nothing need change under your roof?

Ans whilst 6 months is early to be planning a child I’d say if you were in a relationship for at least 2 years then I’d start with looking at having a child together.

would your daughter benefit from some counselling to talk through her feelings and maybe it would help her see she can’t gatekeep you all to herself for the rest of her life.

I agree and am talking in time, a year to two if things continue to work. It's also a general conversation about my daughter not wanting me to date full stop.

6 months?!?!
This has to be a wind up! Can you hear yourself?!

Are you seriously prioritising positive comments to make yourself feel better?
Your poor daughter, 4 years of watching mum and dad try and work it out, now dad's off with another woman following a divorce. No wonder she's against it. Give her some stability and security. If you're as young as you say, time is surely on your side.

Hi 👋🏻 that's me your quoting.

I'll amend my response for you.

If this was a woman posting about having a child with a partner of any age when 1) the partner hasn't yet met her existing child and 2) the existing child has expressed that she is unhappy with the relationship, then a lot of the comments wouldn't be supportive either.

Better?

OP has now updated that they've only been in the relationship for 6 months. 6 months, don't live together, hasn't met existing child, but considering starting a family. Male or female, it's bonkers!

Sadly this.

I'm sure your GF is lovely but frankly for her to consider you a suitable candidate to father her children (in her tight timeframe) and for her to be expecting to rush forwards with this after 6 months suggests she doesn't have much idea about what your daughter needs. And that issue will continue if she moves in.

Her priority is having her own children (understandable) and not what's best for your daughter.

You put your DD first, having a rubbish relationship with mum and feeling rejected by dad isn't being 'a great dad'.

Tough but true. The age gap you have is considerable and time is really limited for your partner in terms of trying to conceive but if she loves you, she'll respect you. She needs to build a relationship with your daughter if she wants a blended family or does she just want her out of the way?

And yeah, just to add, you can be absolutely sure that plenty of MNetters would be telling the mother to pay attention to why her teen daughter was 'not accepting' about her mum's 'younger boyfriend' and to put her daughter first. Just think about what you have presented for a minute.

The idea that MNetters in that scenario, would be like 'Oh, that's fine, you do you babe' is frankly laughable.

You can have a relationship with the right person, the right person won't have your arm up your back for another child when they can see the damage that would cause and the position that would put you, and your DD in. They would walk away.

Prioritise the child you have, not the one you don't.

Why would meeting someone at age 55 be any harder than meeting someone at age 50?