Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I am also (nearly) 50 and have two children (15 and 13) who live with me. I think they'd be OK with me having a partner so long as it was fairly casual. They both have good relationships with their dad, so it's not the same in that respect as they have two 'safe people' and not just the one. They are happy and well adjusted even though me and their dad aren't together. From the other perspective, I only had my mum (dad was not on the scene from when I was aged 6) and she very swiftly remarried and had a family with someone else and I was made to feel like a spare part and have struggled with related MH issues my whole life. It really is important for kids to have at least that one 'rock' in their life.

TBH although I can understand why your GF might want to get on with having kids, she's still got time at 38. Plenty of people have kids well into their 40s these days. I do think it would be sensible, for your daughter's sake, to wait until she's at uni before introducing a baby into the equation. If nothing else, a screaming baby in the house isn't fair on kids trying to study for GCSEs and A-levels. She does need to come first. You can still have a meaningful relationship but keep it on the downlow, and don't rush your daughter into getting to know your GF, let alone thinking that she's your 'real family' now.

I think this is sound advice. I don't think your child should dictate how you live your life. Her feelings matter, but so do yours. Do you actually want another child, though, or is this something you are considering just because your partner wants it?

She doesn’t even know his daughter. She’s not that deeply entwined in his more general existence.

And it’s also noteworthy that she is prepared to pull the plug on the relationship for “ her” Dc ( aka the one that doesn’t actually exist yet).

I meant it in a general sense. Not necessarily fighting his ex. Ie he stepped up into a 365 day round parenting role. I know women just do this, far less common with men.

You should only be moving to cohabitation and thoughts of marriage and additional children if your girlfriend has also developed a strong independent relationship with your existing child

This is the absolute crux of it.

It really is.

This will only work if your girlfriend sees you and your dd as a pair. You need to be spending happy time together as a three before considering having a child. If you can’t see that happening then you aren’t being fair on either of them - if your dd isn’t ready then you don’t get to ignore those feelings because you are her parent and you need to put her first. Plus you don’t get to screw up your girlfriend’s dreams of having kids - you have responsibilities and you are way more complicated than you are presenting. Everyone needs to be on board with the actual reality of the situation. Like it or lump it, you aren’t free to pursue whatever you want.

Realistically, at 38,there isn't much time, so I can understand her wanting to know what the future holds.

I'm not an expert in this but two things stand out from my own life, that I'll add here.

1. My parents divorced and neither went on to have more children - despite my Dad remarrying a woman younger than him; she was about 35 when they wed. I was a teenager at that time I will forever be grateful they never had more children. Maybe we all would have got along, but I think my dad having a new family would have broken my heart back that - so sensitive was I to the idea that I might be replaceable in his eyes.
2. My dad was a super fit and heathy 50 year old. Heck, he was a super fit and healthy 60 year old. But by 65 he had aged quite a lot. He's still in very good health for his age, but I think even he has been shocked by just how much changed in him between those years. Energy levels and strength both reduced dramatically.

I can understand it too. But it doesn’t make it less unreasonable on op’s DD.

It’s not all about her! You are allowed to have your own life and she’s allowed to have hers. She’s majorly over stepping with the instruction about no more children -again it’s not her decision to make. You need to not feed into her demands, she’s allowed to have opinions but they aren’t enforceable or rules

JFC 🙄

That’s more or less what I thought too. 😳

ETA it might be a reasonable attitude if this thread were about deciding what to have for supper…

Agreed.

How old is your daughter?

You're right, over time as she moves closer to adulthood she will have her own meaningful relationships with friends and possibly a partner and by then you'll look back and wish you had more in your life.

She needs you right now however and sharing her dad with anyone else will be extremely difficult for her and not something she should be dealing with on top of all the High School life/pressure.

Timing is key here..

It’s not all about her! You are allowed to have your own life and she’s allowed to have hers. She’s majorly over stepping with the instruction about no more children -again it’s not her decision to make. You need to not feed into her demands, she’s allowed to have opinions but they aren’t enforceable or rules.

You do realise this approach will completely fuck up this father's relationship with his daughter, right?

She needs to meet your girlfriend, at the moment she dislikes the idea of her as a theoretical concept and she'd hate literally anyone. If she hates the actual person with good reason that's different. Your parent telling you they're wanting to have your sibling with a complete stranger is incredibly disorientating.

Do you really want another child or do you just want to keep your 38 year old girlfriend?

Who are you to say when people can have babies?

Sorry just re-read, if she will be an adult in 5 years she must be around 13 which I think is a very tough, sensitive age...

I honestly would put your daughter first, a tricky age to be paying her needs to one side..

I know that doesn't help with your partners age (and yours tbh)...

Nah! Haven’t you heard the old chestnut?

“Kids are adaptable.” You can basically treat them as suits you.

My brother was in a similar situation. When dating he deliberately set out to find a woman who already had children of her own so he wouldn't be under pressure to have a second family. He has his family and they don't need Dad to be shunting them aside for a second go.

OP your primary obligation is to your daughter. If your new girlfriend wants a family, you're not the one for her.

A random poster on the internet who is perfectly entitled to state their views, as the OP has asked!

My child means everything to me

If that were true you wouldn’t even contemplate moving your girlfriend in and having a baby. Your daughter doesn’t even know this woman.

However nice your girlfriend is, this relationship is not a goer. She’s 38 and wants children; her timeline is “get on with it” while yours needs to be “take it slowly” for the sake of your daughter.

MN generally advises children meeting new partners after a year, and a lot longer before moving them in so there’s time to develop a positive relationship.

If your younger girlfriend moves in before she and your daughter get on well you’re destroying your relationship with at least one of them.

Don’t think that going to university will mean that is mostly it for parenting. The landscape is very different from when you (and I) were that age. It’s extremely common for young people to be back home to mid twenties.

Starting your post with ‘be gentle’ is quite irritating. Women are allowed to be forthright or downright bolshy if they choose, you don’t get to say. I mention this as it seems pertinent to the way you treat your daughter.

i assume there’s some backstory as to why she isn’t with her mother? You seem to be discounting that from the story. We also don’t know how long you’ve been seeing your partner without them having met. How are you achieving that - do you stay over at hers and leave your daughter home alone?