Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

It’s simply too soon. It may not be too soon for you OP since the marriage had not been good for some time. You have had time to check out of the relationship before it ended.

However, it is too soon for your DD as your marriage only ended earlier in the year. She needs time to catch up, as far as she can see your wife left you earlier in the year and already you are planning your future and another family with somebody else. It’s too fast for her. It more unusual for the wife/mum to leave the family home and so that is a lot for your DD to get used to.

You do have a bit of a problem because at 38 your new gf doesn’t really have a year or 2 to wait to try for a baby. I suspect she will want to get on with trying for a baby ASAP in reality.

Why try for another child when you could be potentially be ruining the relationship you have with the child you have already.

Um - right - so DD chooses not to be part of her dad's life and she does what? Put herself up for adoption? Leave school and support herself with a small business? Then come back ten years all grown up, perhaps with a good job and a lovely partner, to join her wonderful step family?

Having read many similar posts that were actually for real, it was frighteningly believable!

Along these lines I would add that it really makes me annoyed when people push the “oh but your DD wouldn’t want her dad to be unhappy” line as a justification for encouraging parents to do exactly as they choose regardless.

It’s really just a manipulative and bullying way of giving precedence to the parent’s will. After all, the parent is wanting something that makes the child unhappy, so it stands to reason the child might equally want something contrary to the parent’s desire. The situation is no different, just reversed.

It’s really shorthand for saying if there a conflict, the parent gets their way every time because they are older and can foist it on the child . They can, so they will. It’s bullying and the “ surely you want your parent to be happy “ line is simply a way to guilt-trip the child for wanting to do exactly what the parent is doing themselves: having it their way.

There are many good reasons a child might not want a blended family situation beyond just being s selfish pita. You only need to dip into this forum to see the fallout in many cases. One end of the spectrum is feeling pushed out of their own family, the other end is full on abuse. Not saying that’s always the case, but making the point that it isn’t just empty and baseless awkwardness on the child’s part. It is a concern that deserves to be taken seriously.

Si should he forego his chance to have a relationship? I’m glad my parents didn’t do that when they split up when I was a child. He can have a partner/ further child and be a good dad. As I say children change. His daughter may grow to love having a sibling

It was literally based on all those posts over the years!

Anyone remember the "AIBU to want to experience the Newborn Bubble without DSD?" thread a while back?

You deserve to be happy and your daughter doesn't get to dictate your life.
There are plenty of frustrated and judgemental women on this board, you don't even need to justify yourself to them. You do sound like a nice guy and everything you say makes a lot sense.

Being left by a mom is hard, but I have a son whom I raised by myself and I thought that having another relationship and child was a good thing for him. He's 10 years older than my other son and they get along great now. When I'll be gone, he will have a brother.

Regarding your age, my husband was 47 when we had our child and he already had 3 teenagers. He's not a very hands on dad, but it's ok as it was me who wanted to have this child. By the way, in his 50s, he's more in shape than me. I have a friend whose new man was 50 when they had their daughter and he's a great father.

My only advice is to take some more time to get to know your girlfriend and make sure that she understands where your daughter is coming from and is willing to build a relationship with her. Your daughter might be happy to finally have a female figure in her life. I would also have a therapy for your daughter to adress her insecurity.

Best of luck!

Who has said anything about forgoing a relationship?

It's all about timing. Rushing into kids with a girlfriend of six months less than a year after her Mum walked out? You'd be happy as that 12/13 year old would you?

There are plenty of frustrated and judgemental women on this board

Yes, we absolutely are frustrated and judging shitty selfish parents who think it's their god given right to immediately move in and have more kids with a new partner when it's detrimental to their existing children.

Not forgo. Just slow down.

I can see that but given new partner is 38 time not on their side

What do you mean by “his chance”?

This isn’t a one-shot scenario. (Life rarely is.)

If this relationship doesn’t work out for one reason or another, the OP will have many more chances to meet someone and find happiness.

Hell, I met more than one nice person who was interested in me within a year of separating from my ex, despite being late 40s, a single mum (two conditions that many men will loftily tell you makes you undateable) and I wasn’t even looking!

My now-boyfriend spent a decade staying single as a solo dad before his daughter moved out of home - and he then met me within months, at the same age the OP is now.

There is no shortage of opportunity that means the OP needs to foist an intense new blended family on his daughter at an extremely delicate time.

So why does the new Gf's need trump the child's?

👏Excellent response to that vile misogynistic comment!

So?

Is she the only woman alive?

He's a huge catch in his 50s, a great man, a great Dad, the only one that's done the right thing in all of this and way too good for Silver Dating!

He'll have lots of options,

A 38 year old that he's known six months (and barely gotten to spend time with as he's housebound) and is desperate to get pregnant is not his only chance of a relationship,

And she's not his Partner. They don't live together. They are in the early stages of dating. She's never met his child.

If his wife left earlier this year, is he even divorced?!

He should have thought about that before hand. In fact, they both should.
They've only been dating 6 months, while he's apparently been housebound by childcare. It can't be that serious.

@Calliopespa couldn't agree more. And I firmly believe that those parents who say a child shouldn't dictate your personal life, or use manipulative tactics such as saying 'don't you want me to be happy' are utterly shit parents. It boils my piss to be honest.

When you have a child, that is the most important commitment in your life, end of. Your job is to raise that child and ensure their health and happiness, above everything else in your life.

The amount of children and adults I personally know who hate their 'blended family', hate their 'step siblings', hate their parents partners and in numerous cases completely NC with their parents as a result of being forced to be a part of their 'new family' is absolutely staggering.

There has been so much research that shows that children from 'blended families' have worse educational, emotional and mental outcomes yet parents continue to put their selfish wants ahead of their children's needs. It disgusts me.

So what? That is absolutely the wrong reason to rush into any relationship.. even more so when there are already children involved.

He shouldn't even be thinking about having more kids at this point IMO.

And if you're interested in actually looking into the research just look up Gennetian, Pollak, Tillman, Halpern-Meekin, Tach... the list goes on and on and the research is there, yet parents continue to do this shit to their kids.

I'd also seriously question the judgement of a 38 year old who is desperate to have a baby and who thinks the best option is someone (possibly still legally married) in their 50s, whose wife hasn't even been gone a year, who has a traumatised pre-teen/teenaged daughter who wouldn't welcome a step-mum or sibling.

Both parties have better options for their age and stage in life that would be in the better interests of any existing, or indeed, future children.

Well she should look for someone suitable. A man who just divorced from a 20 year relationship 3 months ago isn't somebody you should date looking for anything serious. Let alone as a potential baby daddy when he has a young teenage daughter to consider who has just lost her mother.

My assumption would be she is either a desperate fool who is believing his bs. Or, she's a horrible person who is hoping he will shunt the kid to the sidelines. Which, it looks like he is.

And OP, be warned, your new gf might have no interest in taking over any "mothering" duties of your DD, so if more freedom is what you're hoping for think again.
And with the timings, you're risking a menopausal wife and a hormonal teen all over again - only this time you'll be in your 60s.

It seems like she just sees him as a convenient sperm donor and he sees her as a chance to re-live his youth and prove how hot and virile he still is.

Nah. He wants a replacement mum/housekeeper. He's obviously the constraints of parenting a single teen shocking and unbearable.

You are deliberately omitting all of the context that makes it a poor parenting decision i.e. the fact that this young girl's parents split less than a year ago, that instead of focusing on his distressed child he rushed into a new relationship immediately, that he is pressing ahead with plans for a new family despite his daughter's objections, that he wants to get this new woman pregnant despite her not having met his existing child let alone got to know her and integrate into the family.

The fact that you have deliberately simplified the scenario to the point of completely mischaracterising the arguments against it, is proof that you know exactly why it's wrong.