Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

He said he separated earlier this year and been with this new woman 6 months so its pretty understandable why his 13 year old daughter is feeling emotional don’t you think?

You lost me at ‘housebound’ followed by ‘run and go to the gym every day’.

Which is it?

Housebound = doing day to day parenting apparently

snort

This.

But you’re his sibling? How can he be an only child.

Part of growing up is learning and understanding that you aren't actually centre of the universe and that you aren't entitled to everyone's undivided attention forever

It's amazing how often I see shitty dads justifying low-key neglect and emotional disengagement with some variation of "Kids need to learn to be independent and that the world doesn't revolve around them!"

All the while, of course, the dads are acting like the world actually revolves (or should revolve) around them instead. This thread is a prime case in point.

I actually find the whole ‘she left because of the menopause that she wouldn’t get help with’ spiel really , really fucking offensive.

Me too.

I think the wife might have quite a different story to tell!

Pieces of advice from my own teen daughters' experiences of their Dad dating a woman with a similar age gap.
When your partner meets her, take it slowly. You and your partner will be up to speed with your relationship but it will be new to her. Don't move your partner is straight away, gradually build up the time she spends around your daughter. My exH didn't do this. He waited a good length of time before introducing her but then it went from her never being there to always being there. My kids really resented that & still do a few years later.

Make sure you still show your daughter that you prioritise her. Don't cancel thing with her in favour of your partner. And don't take your partner along to things that were meant to be just you & your daughter - at first, anyway.

Make sure you carve out regular time that is solely for you and your daughter to do things together, just the two of you.

Tell your partner who isn't a mum herself to just take it slowly & not "love bomb" your daughter too much at first.
Also if you see your partner doing things you can see your daughter doesn't like, speak to her about it in private. She isn't a parent do she might not know how to act with a teenager.

Finally, talk to your daughter about how she feels about the relationship & your partner & really listen.

My exH & his partner made a lot of mistakes early on and my daughters haven't really got over it. They don't care so much now because they're older but they could have had a better relationship with both their dad & his partner than they do.

Good luck, hope it works out

AIBU to feel SD needs to pull her weight more or move out?

DP & I have been together for almost 5 years. He has a daughter from a previous marriage who is almost 18 and we have two DC together aged 3 and 20 months.

To be honest, I've always got the impression she never liked me and she tried to interfere in our relationship from day one, trying to control DP to the point that he was housebound as she didn't want him to date or have any more kids. Her Mum isn't involved and left DP with SD as a single Dad after years of neglecting him.

I moved in when I fell pregnant a year into our relationship and SD was always moody and initially refused to speak to me. I tried everything, spa days, girly shopping trips, paying for her to get her nails done but she's treated me essentially like a stranger in my own home. She'll be civil but that's it.

She's never showed much interest in DCs and that's what's upset me the most. She was always complaining that DC2's crying was preventing her from sleeping during her GCSEs, never did even a nappy change and complained every time we asked her to look after her younger siblings so we could have a date night or go to the gym. Shouldn't she want to care for her younger siblings? They are adorable children and starting to pick up on the fact that SD tolerates them at best and the eldest in particular cries everyday that she won't play with him or take him to the park.

DP has a very full on schedule with work and he goes to the gym everyday and at weekends. We both feel that as an older father this is important for his health as we want him to be around for our DC. I'm worn out from looking after two toddlers and feel like I'm starting with Perimenopause and at absolute breaking point from sleep deprivation (DC 2 doesn't sleep well and we co-sleep and DP sleeps with DC1 in his room occasionally if DC2 wakes him up crying, SD will NEVER get up with them in the night and totally ignores the crying then complains she didn't sleep).

I've asked SD to help a bit more with the cooking and cleaning (have dinner ready for us coming in and do the bathrooms, kitchen etc, tidy the kids toys away and do a bit of their washing/ironing) but everything is an argument. The last straw is that she refused to do the childcare this weekend as she said SHE is exhausted from college, revising and working VERY part-time and she needs some "quiet time to herself" and wants to catch up with friends!

If I'm being honest, I feel she's completely disinterested in her younger siblings and I'm sick of it. It seems to me she is very selfish and feels put out by having younger siblings.

DP has always tried really hard to reassure her but he's entitled to a life too and is very disappointed at her attitude.

There was almost world war 3 in the Summer when we fancied a child centred holiday (Disney in Florida) just the 4 of us. DP and I have never had that but she experienced lots of holidays with him before we ever met and why would a 17 year old want to go to Florida anyway? Shouldn't she be going on holidays with her mates by now? It's just little things like this that always seem to be an argument.
I feel like we get very little back from her and can do nothing right.

AIBU to say that if she doesn't start helping out more, she needs to find somewhere else to live in a few months when she turns 18?

Dunno what's with the weird GIF lol

Awwww, feeling a bit triggered, are we?

Oooof me too! DH has a friend who left his wife because 'she went mad'. Guess what? His wife was 50.
The friend then quickly switched to a much younger her model.

I never understand this point of view. When you choose to have a child, then you choose to have them dictate your personal life. Any decent parent makes a commitment to their child to put them first and foremost in their lives, to take parenting seriously and to arrange everything else around the wellbeing of this child.

Shit parents on the other hand, think it's okay to just treat children like baggage and continue putting their own wants ahead of a children's needs.

What happens if you get two years down the line and unable to father a child, is your partner then going to up sticks? Two women in her life then left.

Stay house bound, concentrate on your child and don't go dating women wanting kids

This will be too late for your gf biologically. She is already cutting it fine to be honest.

The problem here is that your gf’s needs (trying for a baby straight away) are simply not compatible with your child’s needs (slow introductions over a year or two, then if all goes well a substantial period of living together and seeing how that goes, before anything else is considered).

You are going to have to choose who you prioritise. You cannot keep both happy. I hope you choose your daughter. And I hope you let your gf go rather than telling her that you will try for a child “when the time is right” and she uses up the last of her fertile window waiting.

I think this was a joke to illustrate what the OP’s girlfriend is going to be writing in 5 years’ time

Yes, it was!

Please don't listen to this advice OP.
If you do you will lose your daughter as soon as she is old enough to get away.
Your door may "be open" but she won't come though it.

It is possible to have a new relationship and of course you deserve to be happy. But you will have to take it slow and you need to put your daughter's needs in the centre of it.
That is possible to do.

If you put in the effort now and really take this carefully, in a few years you & your partner will be fine and your still-happy daughter will have moved on but will still visit.
It just takes care, thought, empathy and, most importantly, time.

Oh sorry! This failed to attach quote! It was addressed to the pp who said she knows someone who would not have had her subsequent Dc had she waited till her older Dc was ready to accept a blended family.
But Imo you take care of the ones you have before adding to the family. If they don’t arrive well … it’s not as if they’ll ever know .

@Pelagi oh thank god, my blood has actually run cold.

I really didn't pick that up correctly! 😅