Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Your kids exams will be coming up in the next few years. I'd be fuming if I had to study whilst a baby screamed 24/7 because my dad decided to (be a selfish idiot and) have a baby in his 50s.

Not to mention, your sperm is past it's peak by now and carries a higher risk of genetic issues for the child. Worst case scenario but- When you pass away in 15 years, it'll be your daughter that's left doing any care for a disabled child.

Don't take daft risks.

OP: yes thank you, great responses, I do deserve happiness, I will be reassuring and tell her don’t worry sweetheart, it’s all going to be fine and then just do what I want to do anyway. BTW I am still a Great Dad and a Good Person.

😂

@Pelagi You could also add

OP: nobody understands how hard it is being a single dad, single mums have it so easy with endless support while I suffer a kind of loneliness no woman has ever suffered.

From your daughter’s perspective the 4 years of you ‘not being wanted’ are irrelevant - her mum left less than a year ago, and her mum left her as well as you. Of course she’s telling you she doesn’t want you to introduce anyone new into her life! If you’re a “very, very good dad” then you need to stop thinking the way you are. Now is not the time to introduce a girlfriend, now is not the time to even think about her moving in, never mind a baby with her. You need to take several steps back and put your daughter first for a while. That’s not her stopping you from finding someone new, that’s you being a parent.

What are you talking about - leave the door open?

This child only HAS one parent as it stands. Her father who she lives with. She has nowhere to go. She has no choice. If he decides to move his woman of 6 months in and bring more kids into the equation it's HER life and home that's turned upside down. AGAIN. Months after her own mother walking out and abandoning her.

She'd HAVE to be a part of it. It's her home and only parent.

This isn't a 20 year old or even an 18 year old who can choose whether or not to have a relationship with her Dad and "leave the door open for a relationship in the future".

He's literally all she has.

Leave the door open? She's a child, she isn't going anywhere.

Such a great post.

I'll be honest, to everyone saying 'you can't let your children dictate your life' - I am judging you.

I can't think of anything that dictates my life more than my child. I don't mean that I would do whatever my child wanted me to do, but I consciously or subconsciously consider their safety and wellbeing in almost everything I do. But I think this is where the responses are very, very split.

These responses are so nailing it!

Wow. I have totally reassessed my earlier post. However long this has been going on for you, it has only been going on for a matter of months for your DD. You are making far too many decisions far too quickly for her to be able to process well.

When we sign up for parenthood it is for life, and sometimes we have to make sacrifices in order to do what is best for our kids at the right time for them. This is not a grown adult child, she has another 10 years or so before she is totally emotionally independent.

Also single mothers do not have more people to reach out to. For goodness sake, what lazy stereotyping you seem to want to fall into.

Poor poor girl.

Same.

All I can think are that they were the younger woman who went after the older man with kids and gradually edged them out of the picture.

I'm starting to think I'm reading a different thread to some people. What the actual fuck are some of these replies?

I should probably step away from this thread but it's a topic I feel very strongly about. Sick of people thinking kids should put up and shut up while their parents move new partners in and have more kids.

Probably the same posters that will be advising OPs GF in two years time on the step parenting thread to tell the daughter with 'problematic behaviour' that she is no longer welcome in the house.

Yes every 50 year old looks 50 in some way. Everyone looks their age to me. It's not just about wrinkles.. faces change shape, features change shape, neck looks different, voice changes, way we carry ourselves.. and then we can just automatically sense it.. we are all human after all. There's nothing wrong with looking our age.

What on earth?! Were you drunk when you wrote this?!

Your daughter has had a traumatic time.
Shes watched her relationship with her mum and dad disintegrate . Her mum move on emotionally and physically and their relationship become estranged. Then her dad who has been her rock start to date under a year and start talking about having kids with a women she’s never met.
Teenage years are hard anyway but this to anyone is terrifying.
What happens to her if you and this lady stranger suddenly decide she’s not wanted or her space is needed for her dads replacement child?
Housing is ridiculously expensive where would she live? It’s ok saying she will meet someone and move out but many young people can’t afford to leave home - would she be homeless? Her mum doesn’t want her and now her dad as well …..
Im playing devils advocate OP but I’m not surprised your daughter is quite rightly frightened for her future.

You say your lady friend wants kids, but is she prepared to co parent your daughter with kindness or view her as a hinderance?
You have a lot to think about OP as your choices have a profound effect on those around you

I should probably step away from this thread but it's a topic I feel very strongly about. Sick of people thinking kids should put up and shut up while their parents move new partners in and have more kids.

@Pusheen467 and fair enough to feel strongly about it. I get the distinct impression that the OP feels like this new girlfriend is a chance for a "do-over" - to start afresh and 'get it right' with a new family that his daughter is just expected to slot into and view with the same rose-tinted glasses he's wearing.

Ooof, I have read this exact thread several times. You're right - this is "How it started" and those threads are "How it's going".

You seem to blame a lot of the pressures that led to the end of your marriage on the menopause. You are aware that your new partner will go through this too? Like, when she has a ten year old and is exhausted from fairly late parenting? Will that be another angry and resentful (and sexually unavailable) woman you have to deal with? Why are you setting yourself up for history to repeat itself?

I’m more getting the vibe that a middle aged man has come out of a long unhappy marriage, flattered by the attention of a younger woman and the sense has left his brain and travelled to another part of his anatomy.

I'm completely with you, except I don's see it as my kids 'dictating my life', but that I chose to have them and I am obliged to take them and their needs into consideration in how I live my life.

I judge everyone who urges OP not to let his traumatised daughter and her needs ' dictate' his life too.

Part of growing up is learning and understanding that you aren't actually centre of the universe and that you aren't entitled to everyone's undivided attention forever, not even a parent's. Is dd an only child, never had to share you with anyone before? She's a teenager, so she should be developing her own independence by now, and that's a two way street - you should be able to get back some independence of your own. Do you have other hobbies and interests of your own that you do away from dd? If not that's probably a good place to start, and hopefully she'll learn that dating is just like any other thing that dad does for himself.

What's with the waterworks? It seems rather over dramatic for the circumstances. Is she emotionally unstable? Or are they crocodile tears? You haven't mentioned how long you've been divorced, although it sounds like it might be quite a while. Add to that that dd has all but disowned her mother, it doesn't seem likely that she's upset because she was hoping the two of you would reconcile.

However, getting together with a 38 y/o woman who is looking to have kids 'sooner than later' is a massive red flag. A recipe for disaster. Do not rush into anything here. But she don't have that option because she doesn't have enough time not to rush. Have you always wanted more children? How come you've waited til now? It sounds very much like you're happy to go along with it to keep this new woman happy.

So while your dd needs to get used to the idea of you dating new people, and the possibility that it might lead to a relationship, I'm not sure this is the right one for you.

You've asked for advice and spent the whole thread arguing against anything that doesn't fit your preconceived notions? What did you want to achieve here?

What's with the waterworks? It seems rather over dramatic for the circumstances. Is she emotionally unstable?

Are you actually joking?

That's what I was thinking. Can't have a troubled/high drunk teenager around the little toddler. Sad, but the mimor child must come first.

OP: I’m a great Dad! (repeated ad infinitum)
With respect, I think the only person qualified to make that judgement is your daughter. Go ahead and ask her that in a few years…and keep in mind that statement with every decision you make.