Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

In my experience most people look like they're in a certain age group ie late 20-early 30s rather than an exact age and if someone guesses them at the lower end they get overexcited and think they look 12.

I don’t agree with people saying don’t do this, your life matters too. Also many children find round. I think the key is getting to the root of her insecurity and finding ways to reassure her. She needs to meet your GF asap so they can start forging a relationship. You have to push on with this, while keeping her at the centre of your world.

You don't think the "root of her insecurity" is being abandoned by her mother earlier this year, her father wanting to have a baby with a younger woman who he's only dated for six months and him claiming he is housebound because of her despite dating, going to the gym daily and fobbing her off on her grandparents at weekends?

Her mother's barely out the door. I genuinely don't think starting a brand new family with an unknown entity would make a 12/13 year feel anything but insecure. It's textbook abandonment by two parents.

Sorry but this is nonsense.My DH was an extremely young looking 50 yr old & dare I say it so was I. Look at Kylie Minogue fast approaching 60 & could be half her age in looks & physicality. There are people who age well due to a combination of looking after themselves & genetics. The opposite is also true. If OP says he is fit & healthy,feels a lot younger & would be happy to have another child he should go ahead.

Yeah he should go for it! Fuck his daughter!

‘You don't think the "root of her insecurity" is being abandoned by her mother earlier this year, her father wanting to have a baby with a younger woman who he's only dated for six months and him claiming he is housebound because of her despite dating, going to the gym daily and fobbing her off on her grandparents at weekends?’

this and then some! Insecure is she? Hardly a mystery!!!

Oh come on. Kylie looks great for a woman in her 50’s but she looks like a well kept mature woman and definitely can’t pass for half her age.

As if he would do that. Is this what people feel about blended families? They've all said F.... my children?

Most of the time yes. And certainly in OP's case. He's barely known this woman five minutes and all his replies are Me Me Me Me Me.

I feel for kylie being dragged into this!

she looks amazing yes but we are deluding ourselves if we think we look substantially younger than we are. I bet a random 25 year old walking past would think ‘yep he’s 50’

His daughter has been abandoned by her mother, so it doesn't compare to situations where both parents have good relationships. He also met this woman what sounds like weeks after the break up.

I know a very fit guy (tree surgeon!) who I presumed was about 42 and he's just told me he's 50. Would never have guessed.
My dad, who had had his son at 46, has always been very fit too; still goes hiking in his late 80s. But his son was not happy about having such old parents, and thinks that it affected him negatively in various ways. It was not so much their physical abilities, more them not being into the latest music/technology/lifestyle and bringing him up to be very innocent and young for his age. And an only child of course.

OK admittedly a slight exageration but the point was referring to the poster who insinuated people never look younger than their age. I gave an example & there are many the same,both women & men.

@Pusheen467

so you’re saying that anyone with kids who enters into another relationship and lives with their partner is selfish?! WOW!

How did I know that this guy was going to turn out to have rushed into a new relationship while his daughter was still reeling from her parents separating and her mum abandoning her?

And is now having all kinds of a self-pity party because his daughter won’t instantly accept the idea of a new girlfriend (please god don’t let him have mentioned the possibility of a new sibling in all his “transparency” aka inappropriate information-sharing).

@HopperDash I was in a loveless and emotionally abusive relationship for years before I was able to leave, OP. But I’ve chosen to put my children first. I started seeing someone a year on from the separation, and a year on from that I’m just getting ready to let the kids know I’m dating. I can imagine it will be a slow path to introduction as my daughter especially is still struggling with the repercussions of separation.

You’ve really rushed things, and seem to have a sense of entitlement to do so, driven by irrational fears that this is your “last chance”. I’m seeing a lot of hyperbole and self-pity in your posts as justification (believe me, you do not have it harder than a lot of single mums) and that suggests you know at some level that you’re not behaving well and are defensive about it.

I should add that I also had the same age gap and timing with my children (my ex was 48/50 when our kids were born) and I’m afraid that him seeming young and energetic then hasn’t lasted. At 62, with tweens, he has all kinds of medical concerns, injuries and far lower energy than I do. Time catches up quickly and he’s not having fun being a (very part time) single dad these days. Turns out he relied (and still does) on me to do most of the heavy lifting of parenting. How do you think you’re going to manage when you already have another child with very different needs to care for?

I think you have rushed into this relationship out of fear and neediness and that’s not a good foundation. You’re also considering pretty irrational options, like having a baby with someone you barely know, for the same reasons, fear and neediness. I would suggest some therapy for yourself is in order instead of looking to a new relationship to fix your difficult emotions.

In most cases yep.

Go look at the thread about the poster whose six year old hates her partner and look at all the replies about how many people were miserable having their parents' partners inflicted on them in their homes. It doesn't kill people to live separately from their partners. I'd never make my dauhter live with a random man.

Just because the father has a new relationship, the daughter is not replaced. They can build a lovely family and one day, she might even be happy to have a sibling as opposed to being alone when her father when she starts aging or even later...She does need a lot of reassurance and maybe some therapy. That's what I would do in this situation.
Children should not dictate to parents what they should do with their lives.

They wouldn't need to dictate if the parent would behave sensibly.

Are some posters missing that he has only been with this woman for SIX MONTHS??? And she's 38 so doesn't have years to wait (so clearly should find a different partner). So it's fine to make your children miserable because we can't let them "dictate our lives"?

Think I'll go smoke some crack. Absolutely sick of my kid dictating my life choices tbh.

Dear me.

OP: my daughter is coming to terms with what she thought was her family being split apart, less than 11 months ago. I have taken up with someone new, approx 3 months after that traumatic event for my daughter. She is resistant to this. I want to move in with my girlfriend though. What shall I do?

95% of answers: whoah, steady on, this is so fast for your daughter, maybe see it from her perspective and slow things down. See new people, yes, of course, but really considering moving in at this stage will be potentially even more traumatic for your daughter. You have plenty of time to meet someone in a timescale that works for your daughter as well.

OP: oh so you think I should NEVER LOVE AGAIN do you. BTW I am a Great Dad.

5% of answers: you deserve happiness, your daughter should learn it’s not all about her.

OP: yes thank you, great responses, I do deserve happiness, I will be reassuring and tell her don’t worry sweetheart, it’s all going to be fine and then just do what I want to do anyway. BTW I am still a Great Dad and a Good Person.

As everyone’s grandma used to say: handsome is as handsome does.

Exactly. My kids don't dictate my life choices because I give them all the consideration they are due given that we are making our way through life TOGETHER, as a unit.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I do not think you should allow your dd to dictate your personal life.

this is exactly what I was going to say…

you can love your daughter while having a life, if she doesn’t want to be part of it then that is her choice and if you leave the door open so to speak there will be every chance she may change her mind in future

Absolutely this!

Just incredible that anyone could have read OPs posts and think there is any mystery as to why the daughter is insecure. Its completely bloody obvious!

She's 13 - doesn't exactly have much choice? Her mother has abandoned her and her dad wants to move in a woman he's dated for six months and get her pregnant. On what planet is thjs OK?