Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Oh, poor husbands of menopausal women... cry me a river..

Not sure why you’re telling me all this, tell him! I don’t agree with everything he has said btw, just the general consensus.

Your daughter is 13 so she doesn't need a babysitter, and if you feel she does, it seems unlikely that you live somewhere that is a babysitter desert.

You have a life, and only one of them. You are just about young enough to have more DC and if you want that, then do so. Your DD will leave home in 3 to 5 years and will have her own life, in which she probably will not much consider you. Stick it out. You wish for a new relationship so go for it. Tantrums and tears are weapons used by particularly teenagers to prevent their parents finding new partners - mainly because they hope that their parents will get back together.

I have been here. I stuck to my new partner and he, a trained youth worker, managed my teenage DC very well, though sometimes things were stormy. We put up a united front (after some very poor jitters from me) and made it clear that we were staying together - we bought a joint home, which meant no-one was moving into someone else's territory. Both DC loved him, DS feels my DH (now late) saved him from making some unsound decisions in his early twenties and DD feels he was very supportive of her as a teenager - despite rows. We also managed to heal late DH's relationship with his own DS, who had been brought up by grandparents (complicated), and with his DGC. He is much missed by all, as much missed as he was loved.
Children should not be telling their parents not to have a relationship with someone new - they have all their lives ahead of them; their parents have only what is left, and should be happy. Go for it.

I obviously don't agree with the consensus. If OP has found a girlfriend and wants to move in with her - and she is only 12 years younger than him, a perfectly normal age gap (my ex was 10 years older than me) - he should. His teenage DD should not be allowed to dictate terms, it's not her life. She will leave and he will be on his own. As for not dating someone in his age group, he appears to want more DC, so that would be a no-no, anyway.

I’m really sorry that happened to you, it’s a lot to deal with at such a young age. And of course that would colour your perspective as my personal experiences affect mine. I suppose there is no right answer to this, it could be an absolute disaster for the OP and his daughter or it could be the start of a new blended and happy family, here’s hoping.

Totally agree with your last sentence.

Wishing you the best.

I did. By posting on his thread

And quoting me, whilst rambling about him 👍🏻

Right? This guy is convinced of his own martyrdom. Laughable.

I agree with you! In my previous post, I meant I agree he should be able to have a new partner, but I don’t agree with everything the OP has posted.

Honestly, it would be a lot easier if you could find a woman closer to your own age who already has children (or who have never wanted them) and who is at the same stage in life as you, ideally with no need to push you to move in together until your daughter has grown up and moved out.

We can go round in circles discussing whether or not your daughter is being unreasonable or irrational, but it won't change how she feels. Having a baby at 50+ with a much younger woman, knowing your daughter wants nothing to do with her is just setting yourself up for years and years and years of grief, bad atmospheres and heartache. Why do it when you don't have to?

Besides which, do you really want to be in a position, when most men your age are starting to slow down and think about retirement, of being forced to carry on working because you still have children who need to finish school and perhaps go to uni? I know someone who is in this position. He is over 60, his wife is 15 years younger. He got made redundant two years ago from a well paid positon and can't find another similar level job due to his age. His wife massively resents him for no longer having huge earning potential and is in the process of divorcing him and taking him to the cleaners financially. He's going to end up with very little to show for himself after two divorces and two families, despite always having earned well. It's a shit show.

All this talk of 'dictating' terms is ridiculous.

Its not about dictating terms, its about looking at the particular circumstances surrounding your child and prioritising what your child needs.

This child clearly needs stability and security.

And actually, it IS the child's life at a very formative stage of her life after a significant trauma. How this is handled will affect her now and in the future.

What it IS for the Father is just holding back on having a live-in girlfriend for a few years.

Holding back is not that big a deal for him. Him not holding back is a big deal for the daughter and will affect her.

Its absolutely astonishing to me that men's needs are so prioritised that something as fairly trivial that holding back on a live-in girlfriend for a few years is seen as such a big deal that it will ruin his life and he could not be possibly expected to make this compromise for his own child whose mother has left her.

I'm not sure you quite understand how this site works, but never mind.

It's not long enough though, not for your daughter. Her mum left really recently. Now she needs her dad to prioritise her over his own happiness and the relationship he wants.

She needs stability and to feel safe and secure in her home.

It's crap for you, but her mum being shit and putting herself first doesn't mean that you can follow suit. Your daughter deserves to be prioritised by at least one of her parents.

For the time being, the best thing for your daughter is to keep your love life completely separate to her until she's in a much more comfortable place. Having another child would be awful for her.

My dad remarried and had a child when I was 13, he was 46 and his new wife was 42. I wasn't overly keen on her when I was a child (though she was always nice to me) but we get on great now. We didn't live together, though: I was with my mum, her new dh and their 2 children. Again, I wasn't totally delighted to move in with an unfamiliar man as a child, but he turned out to be an amazing stepdad, a really lovely man. I'd say the main thing I was uncomfortable about, having a blended family, was feeling as if I was the odd one out: everyone else was in their own family, and I was in their family too, as an extra. I left home as soon as I could, and then left the country and have lived abroad ever since. That wasn't a deliberate recation to the situation, but if I'd been living in my own home with my own family things might well have turned out differently. I didn't feel like I had a parental home I could return to easily, and didn't want to be a burden. (Not that anyone suggested I was.)

I now have a dp with a 15yo daughter who lives with him 50/50. He's about to turn 60, I'm 55. We've been together for almost 8 years but have not moved in together (yet), as we were not going to start a family (so no need) and I remembered feeling relatively helpless as a child in that situation. I wanted to make sure my dp's daughter felt comfortable and the most important person in her dad's life. After 8 years we are now thinking about moving in together at some point and it feels good that we waited.

OP, your dd has gone through a really tough time and I'd recommend some kind of therapy for her (sorry if this has been mentioned, the thread is long). I'd also recommend giving her lots of time, and letting her make decisions that are not too big and stressful (e.g. decorating the house, deciding which relatives can come to her birthday party etc.) so that she doesn't feel everything is being imposed on her. And underlining the fact that she is important to you. Make it clear that your house is her home, and any future wife is moving into you and your dd's family.

After 6 months? Less than a year after his DW left?
That would be stupid even without an age/life stage gap, and even if DD was thrilled.
Way too fast even in better circumstances.

I have to say I agree with the majority on this thread. In theory, I see nothing wrong with the age gap between you and your girlfriend or your wish to have another child in your 50s. I've known many happy relationships with large age gaps, and some of the best parents I know are older parents. But in your actual situation, I think you need to take a giant step back.

Please put yourself in your daughter's shoes. She is very young, only about 12 or 13. (How old is she exactly?) Earlier this year, her mother walked out (after several years of tension) and she now has limited contact. You began dating almost immediately, and the relationship with your girlfriend is now quite serious. Can't you see how your DD must be reeling from all the changes in her life? Her mother abandoned her, now her father is intent on pursuing a committed relationship, potentially living together and thinking about having another child. No one is putting this child's needs first.

It does sound as though your ex has behaved selfishly. But please don't compound the problem by behaving equally selfishly. Is it "fair" for you to have to put your DD's needs above your own, when your ex has (apparently) waltzed off without a care in the world? You could stamp your feet and declare that you can be just as selfish as your ex-wife, because that would be "fair." But I don't think fairness comes into the equation, to be honest. You need to do what's right. And that involves taking care of your DD emotionally. She is at a critical age and she's learning about relationships. What do you want her to learn?

Of course it's fine for you to date. But your DD shouldn't have to deal with any more upheaval in her life. Keep your dating life and your family life separate for now.

They want children

Doesn't it matter what his daughter wants and needs? And why should he have more children when he clearly doesn't want to put their needs first? Having as many children as you want isn't ah entitlement. If he had a child with his partner and their relationship didn't work out would it then be acceptable for him to to it again with another woman beause they want to?

I think it is a shame that your dd feels like she does and I wonder if she is feeling scared, worried, insecure and anxious or whether she is a spoilt little madam.

I have been divorced for four months and my ex h has been dating for what he would say is 5/6 weeks.. The kids aren't impressed but that is to do with his actions towards their siblings and me. He certainly didn't ask their permission or tell them he was considering dating.

You are a father first and foremost but you are also a person in your own right and you deserve to be happy and not alone. There is a reason your daughter can't be happy for you and that is the key to moving forward once you find out what the reasons are.

Just read two posts, seems it's seven pages so might have wasted my time.

@Grammarnut Normal age gap, to you. Not everyone. And notice your man was the older one..

I’m fascinated by the idea that a 50 year old looks young. I’m in that age band. There is a huge range of fitness, weight, hair loss and energy in men (and women) of that age, yes. But do they look like 40 year olds? No.

I know two men who had babies in their 50s and they aged fast. Broken nights etc are brutal.

OP if you manage to be fit sexy and healthy til you are 65 you are a rare beast and your ‘baby’ would still only be a young teenager. It isn’t worth it.

How do you run and go to the gym if you are housebound?

I know, it's ludicrous, isn't it?

My dp's dd is also having issues with her mum at the moment as she is 15 and her mum is going through menopause. OP, do have a think about how things will work out if a new wife has a baby at 40 and is then going through menopause when that child is in puberty - think about how you might feel about/cope with a potential repeat of the stressful end of your last relationship; next child, mum and you all in the same place, plus you being on the brink of retirement.

Why are you housebound? Your daughter is 13, not 3