Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

And…?

@HopperDash

Quite hyperbolizing! You aren't 'housebound'. If your DD is in fact 13 or older, unless there are extenuating circumstances, she's perfectly capable of being home on her own for a few hours. By 13 I was cooking myself simple meals on the hob or in the oven (I'm old enough that this was 'pre-microwave'). Your DD is capable, at the least, of popping something in the micro and entertaining herself for a few hours.

And it's not a situation of either someone moves in or you're going to die of loneliness. If DD 'freaks out' because you're going on a date, perhaps start with some 'less threatening' time away from her. You can go play golf, see a film, have a date, meet mates down the pub.

Even if the relationship between your DD and her mum was solid and good, it is still too soon to be introducing your DD to a potential stepmum or to make life-plans she may get wind of. Way too soon.

You're treating this as an 'either/or' situation. Either you move THIS particular woman in and have a baby with her OR you're going to be alone the rest of your life. Nothing is further from the truth. But the fact is that your DD is NOT ready for this, and for that reason alone it is a 'no go'.

I think it would do you and DD a world of good for both of you to go to counseling. Start out with separate sessions where each of you (especially her) are able to say their own truth and express their feelings out loud, in private. Then gradually work towards joint sessions where the two of you are able to communicate in a healthy calm way and hopefully reach a place where DD understands that a partner for you isn't a threat to her.

I probably am projecting - I was stuck with a 'blended family' and it absolutely did not work for me. My stepdad didn't want me around and I was kicked out of home at 18 with absolutely zero support. My mum also felt she 'deserved happiness' and prioritised that above my happiness and general wellbeing.

Your friends may have gone to have kids with other people but there's nothing in that statement to indicate that any pre-existing kids were thrilled with that situation. I'd bet good money they weren't. When you're a parent, your kids' happiness comes first, not your own. I don't understand why some people seem to feel the urge to keep popping out more kids when they're not really that focused on the ones they've already got. (Not a dig at you, just an observation).

There’s definitely a lot of hyperbole involved here. Its not an either/or situation of have a new partner before the bed even cold from the ex or be alone FOREVER and curl up and die of loneliness.

OP your DD really needs you to hear her right now. And maybe it just means putting your love life on hold short term to reassure her you won’t let her down on the way her mum has.

You're housebound and yet go to the gym every day?

I smell a lot of bullshit in your posts.

I know, it's pathetic.

My 92 year old neighbour is genuinely housebound. I go and see her every few days, and get her shopping.....

Maybe @HopperDash would like me to do his shopping, too?

My husband died leaving me with two boys. They needed me, badly. I gradually became aware of just how many other single parents around me were bringing unwelcome new partners into their kid's lives and how often they were prioritising sexual attraction and excitement over their kid's sense of safety and family.

I decided to put my poor bereaved sons first. They deserved my full attention. I didn't date until they were adults. The love and trust my adult sons have in me makes me entirely sure I was right.

Getting involved with a new partner less than a year after her mum left is incredibly selfish and insensitive. If OP barrels ahead with his own desires he can expect his daughter to back right off, feeling let down by both parents.

It does seem as if your daughter too much power in your relationship. Yes, you want her to be happy but at the end of the day you only have one life so live it. You can't make everyone happy all of the time and you do care about her, so perhaps it's time to introduce your new partner? Be prepared for some kick back but be firm. You're the grown up.

OP, I'm sorry you're getting such a kicking, but I expect you knew what you were letting yourself in for!

It would be really interesting to explore WHY your daughter has point blank refused to accept you dating.

What just crossed my mind - and it might be way off mark - is that if she thinks relationships tend to end in catastrophe (as your marriage recently did), and involve endless conflict and compromise, then the only way for her to protect your newfound tranquillity and contentment is to prevent you ever getting into another relationship.

If that's the case, then perhaps finding a way to reassure her that relationships can actually be positive and enhance our lives would be a useful way forward.

Hi, how old is your daughter? You said she's a teenager but not her age. I don't think she hates you having a girlfriend, but her life (and yours) has been turned upside down in a matter of months and she is clearly struggling. Nothing wrong with moving on, but you need to slow down. After 6 months, your daughter was probably secretly hoping that her mum would return and life would continue as before - a new girlfriend puts that dream to bed. Her mum left her. That brings so many issues and traumas with it - because mum's don't usually leave their children (and before anyone jumps on me here, I know that some do and that a parent leaving should be equally tough regardless of which parent it is, but there is, rightly or wrongly, something different about a mum leaving). I don't believe that you ought to live in purgatory for ever because your daughter doesn't approve - you are entitled to a life, but you do need to prioritise her for now, as it is simply too soon after such a massive event in her life. Your girlfriend being 38 is irrelevant to you doing the right thing. You could date for a year and find that she isn't someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with or tied to - that's what should happen. It sounds like her age is making you both rush into something without thinking it through. I know you say she's prepared to wait a year or two, but in reality do you really think that when she's 40, she's going to be prepared to walk away and start again with someone else if things aren't good with you? That's what being prepared to wait means in these circumstances. I'm guessing if you say that you want to wait a few years before deciding whether you should have a child together or not, she will run a mile. What you seem to be saying is that you have decided that you are going to have a baby together, but you won't do it straight away, instead of dating for a while and seeing where the relationship goes.

Very few children have their Mothers walk out on them and then minimal contact with them after that. That's very unusual. And it has a profound and damaging impact. The only siblings I know who had this were very, very fucked up by it and the daughter became a life long alcoholic.

Or she was abandoned by her mother, had her father replace her mother almost immediately and is terrified that she will be replaced by a new woman and new child, which is why she is saying to her father not to date anyone with kids or who wants a child.
Maybe she's just a child who has learnt that people who love you can abandon and replace you and she can't face going through that again?

Learning resilience is arguably the best thing we can learn in life, though...? Some children adapt readily to new situations, however unwelcome.

@PrawnofthePatriarchy I was also widowed and decided that my children (teens at the time) needed a very stable home life in the immediate aftermath. For me, this meant no new men moving in at all and breaking up the security of 'our home that was so important, I promised the children I would not do that. Dating happened after they were encouraging it, about 2 years afterwards.

It is hard to know what to do but providing a very stable secure base and dating outside of that is optimal. People do move on quickly though, after divorce, after death, I know a woman who moved a guy in within 10 months, but I don't think it's a good time to be unsettling the home.

I'd get a family therapist involved, because I suspect your dd is spiralling worrying about you getting a new family, and just dating isn't necessarily doing that, but she's not stupid, she sees where it's heading.

If I were your new woman I would not want to be in this situation, at 38 she needs to crack on with trying for a child and building her new life.

You don't learn 'resilience' in a positive way, aged 13, after being abandoned by your mother and replaced by your father though. Yes you can survive, but it's unlikely you grow in any kind of a positive way from it though.

@AcceptAllChanges I don't think you understand how damaging a mother leaving is to children. My niece hasn't seen her mother since she was 2 and it has had a huge impact. My son, conversely, hasn't seen his dad since he was about 4 (he's now nearly 30) and whilst it's had an impact it is nowhere near as damaging.

Hi op,

My view is that I wouldn’t want my children to sacrifice their happiness in the future, and I wouldn’t be willing to sacrifice my own either. We all get just one life.

There is a way of being a good, involved parent, whilst maintaining your own happiness, especially as your daughter is a teen.

Just take introductions in smaller steps. Take child and gf out for a nice meal, encourage your gf and your daughter to find out lots about each other. Go ice-skating as a family, or things where gf and daughter might bond e.g. over a bit of shopping.

Move the gf into your home in stages. Evening visits first. Then weekends to begin with gradually increasing time. Within 6 months, it could be a much better situation.

Make sure to spend time with your daughter, listen to her talk about her day and ask questions, whether your gf is there or not. If you actively and regularly engage with her, she won’t feel excluded. Set aside time when she knows you are unavailable, so knows what to expect e.g. Saturday nights are date night and you’ll be out between 7pm and 11pm, so she’ll have a sitter.

Routine and lots of love are the key.

The idea that if you have a gf then your daughter will never get over it and it’ll destroy your relationship is both ridiculous and quite horrendous and feels like a bit of projection.

Speaking from personal experience, I was a little older though. My parents divorced when I was 19, and my mother was a good mom when I was a kid but her alcoholism got a hold of her and I am 40 now and don't talk to her at all. She's just super toxic. My dad remarried I think when I was 21? It took me a LONG time for me to like her let alone accept her, because she wasn't my mom. She also had 4 daughters and I felt like I was being kicked to the curb. I am the baby between my brother and I and have always been my dad's favorite, so that was hard. They also did a lot of things that I considered messed up (Like leaving my Bachelors graduation ceremony early because my youngest sister had a date, she was 16. I was so pissed and hurt. They are mormon so step mom was set on finding her a husband). It also took me a LONG time to get used to her kids and get along with them. Funny enough I get along best with the 2 youngest, I think it was just because they were still around and I spent the most time with them.

For those saying you're not considering your daughters feelings, I disagree because otherwise you wouldn't be here. Also you really have to ask yourself, you are 50 years old..do you really want to go through the newborn stage again? Or are you just excited at the prospect of trying for a baby because you are lonely? If that is intrue then disregard. But you really need to think about it, and also being 40 I understand why your girlfriend would want a baby (I have a 3 year old) but that also can come with a lot of emotional and financial strain.

Your daughter is not going to like it either way, because it sounds like she is an only child and is used to getting her way. Maybe see if maybe they can spend some time together that this new person will be acceptable eventually.

The parents/grandparents aspect is also another thing to consider. In your 40s with an under 10 you might have some help with childcare from your parents (their grandparents) and if not that then reasonably mobile parents who can visit you/you can visit them with the children etc.
Having another child in your 50s means that you are going to have an under 10 year old, and a teenager, and parents who are now elderly and not only unable to help with childcare but likely in need of support themselves. I know men and women doing the sandwich thing (juggling looking after young children with aging parents) and none of them look young for their age. The stress of

1. Still working full time
2. looking after a very young child
3. looking after a parent who is going through health issues and likely also lonely. And who may will not have long left, so you need to spend time with them
4. Having a confused and upset teenager who needs your attention and support somehow despite the other pressures
5. Having a wife who will also be going through her own issues

Means however "housebound" the OP feels now, will be as nothing. They certainly won't be going for runs or to the gym to keep their own health up. It just seems like madness to handwave away these issues and assume it will all work out because he is lonely/stressed now. The idea a woman wouldn't have to consider these issues is ludicrous. I just think even if they acted completely on their own wishes, in 10 years time they would still feel very hard done by because of the above stresses. And that's assuming that everyone remains 100% healthy (the teenager, the prospective baby, the OP, the wife)

Your wife left this year. So even if she left on 1st January you were already in the relationship with the much younger woman within 5 months. While your daughter was (and still is) struggling to come to terms with her family imploding and the breakdown of her relationship with her mum at a really crucial age, you've been planning a new life and a new family with a woman she's never even met. This isn't what being a good dad looks like. At all.

You've become increasingly defensive on this thread and your initial reasonable, calm tone is starting to slip. You are brushing off a lot of criticism and not looking at this through your daughter's eyes at all. Ultimately you can do what you want, as millions of other men do, but you will hurt your daughter and your relationship with her may never recover. I hope you do the right thing and put her first. If you were as focused on getting her through all of this as you ought to be, you wouldn't have the headspace for any kind of romantic relationship any time soon.

Okay I take it back the
'you moving on with your life may lead to a better mother/daughter relationship' was not the most insane comment on the thread.

This is.

Being abandoned by a Mother is a major life trauma. Shock news. Trauma experiences usually don't lead to resilience. They more usually lead to damaging trauma responses. Its why mental health professionals are very concerned by children who have been through Adverse Life Experiences, as these children are not the lucky ones with bags of helpful resilience but are rather messed up with far more adverse life outcomes than their peers.

Adding on more trauma by forcing an abandoned and insecure child to adapt to the 'new circumstance' of their Father deprioritising them in order to prioritise bringing a new woman and (time consuming, attention needing) baby in the home, is not likely to lead to resilience as a very emotionally damaged young woman.

Children who are emotionally scarred need stability and security and time and attention. Not yet more challenge.

You sound like a wonderful father. It's understandable your daughter, given she has been through a traumatic experience, will be possessive of the one person she loves & trusts the most in life.

I do think 6 months is too soon to make a proclamation of undying love for your relatively knew partner. I also feel its extremely important to gradually introduce her to your daughter in a positive way she would enjoy such as taking her to a concert, funfare, pantomime,clothes shopping anything you know that would make her excited about spending time together. You would have to be prepared for a negative response such as I'd love that but not if x is going. You could respond to that by saying that's a shame because it was her idea & take it from there. Above all talk, talk,talk. You will get there.

Oh & you are not too old to consider another child. If it's meant to be it will all work out for everyone. You deserve happiness too.

I’ve got no interest in how long the gap between ex wife and new partner was. Marriages don’t end overnight, and there is no official length of time you have to wait.

I met my now partner two weeks after I moved out of my marital home, I’d been separated about 4 months but formally left the house in August - we met mid September. Wouldn’t change it for a second.

That said, you need to slow down. Building my relationship with my stepson has taken a LONG time, a very gradual process. If it hadn’t have worked out, and he’d been resistant, we’d have had to have slowed down or stopped “merging” the two lives into one. It’s on his terms.

My partner is also 10 years older, mid-40s and we’ve already established won’t be having any more kids. It wouldn’t be fair on the one he has, and his age is a factor in that decision too.

Moving on and being happy isn’t the issue, it’s your life - live it. But in merging your families or adding to it, your daughter has to come first.

You're dating a 38 year old woman who wants a child(ren) and doesn't have time of her side.

In order to move with her timeline, this will result in the relationship moving to fast to give your daughter sufficient time to get to know this woman and to get comfortable with her.

You cannot give this woman what needs wants,needs and deserves without sacrificing what your daughter needs and deserves - I.e. time to adapt and get comfortable.

It cannot work due to different life stages and compatibility at this point in time. I think you need to let this woman go. My advice would most likely me different if she was 5 years older or 5 years younger.

Ok having read the OP's new comments I've changed my mind. What if he has a son and brings him up believing all this "housebound", woe is me, life is so hard for single dads but not single mums crap? Ugh.