Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I think you need to slow down and focus on your daughter. You mentioned your wife only left this year; are you already divorced? The new relationship is very new, at six months you should just be dating and having fun. The issue is a 38 year old woman is fast running out of time to have babies and her time to have babies coincides with the crucial exam years for your daughter. You refer to being ‘housebound’, but the stats show more men move on to another relationship more quickly than women, who generally (not always) consider their children first. I do know a number of men who have had children in their fifties. In general, if they had children from a first marriage they were at university, work or living with their mother.

all your posts indicate you have made up your mind. You are a selfish fool and your daughter will be destroyed, but I have a feeling you’ll be one of those men that never owns up to their own culpability in the scenario. Good luck.

How else would you term not being able to hardly ever go out the evening or weekends, having no support or childcare. Women always have people to turn to, friends, parents. A single Dad is much harder to get support for. It's a pleasure to care for my child, but I think as any Mum would attest to, we all need to be happy personally so we can be at our best for the child.

Lol what the ever-loving fuck. This has nothing to do with being a man. Women do not always have people to turn to. You have no idea. And if you don't see all the mothers out there putting their kids before making sure they are "happy personally" then you're not looking very hard.

Can you imagine any woman coming on here saying all this and then that she is "a great mum." And the absolute DEMOLISHING she would get from the women of Mumsnet 😂 I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of amazing mums I know who claim they are "great mums." The bar is fucking low for "great dads" apparently.

This is a scientific fact unfortunately. If you father a child in your 50s you must accept that it may not be an easy child at all.

OP, same thing happened with my daughter at 13. Caused havoc throughout her teenage years. She is now 24 and has attempted suicide twice. No-one’s saying you can’t be happy but show her through actions, not words - she will instinctively know whether she is the priority, or your new gf.
And please don’t underestimate the harm that can be caused during these turbulent teenage years.

But it's not been a year on your own has it @HopperDash by your own admission your wife only left you this year and you've been seeing this woman for 6 months so at best you were alone for under 4 months and as for the 4 years bs that's 100% on you, your wife told you repeatedly that she didn't love you or want to be with you but you wouldn't believe her, you still don't otherwise you wouldn't be blaming her leaving on the menopause.
And as for how much easier it is for single mums your talking out your arse

I havent read it all but from your first post id say - prioritise your DD. Shes at a tricky age. The fact that you have sole custody and she has strained relations with mum means she needs a lot of emotional support which shes going to come to you for. If the girlfriend doesn’t have kids by the time shes 38, id wonder if shes just saying the right things trying to get a baby vs really caring for you - sorry i might get flamed for that. Its desperate times when fertility is waining. Who knows if you have a baby the relationship will last. In the meantime youve stuffed things up with DD when she needed you the most. Idk but if i was you, at 50 years old, i wouldnt get into this situation

Overall I get the impression that OP feels hard done by in life - he did the ‘rare’ thing of marrying a woman 5 years older, is now raising a child as a single dad and is owed the reward of a do over ASAP.

The constant emphasis on being a young 50 is delusional. Most people think I am early to mid 30s at best but that doesn’t change the reality of how old I am and what it means. What years I have left to retirement, what health issues may be lurking, aging parents, constantly upskilling to remain employable in a younger workforce etc.

The poor me, I’ve been all alone and housebound this last year - whilst having a girlfriend of 6 months, not even a year after the marriage ending - shows someone immature and entitled and the worst possible person for the girlfriend to be chancing her last eggs on.

I would bet my house as soon as the reality of juggling a new baby, a teenager and a hormonal woman hits, he’ll be off looking for his next ego validation. Dating apps are full to bursting of men like this.

"Women always have people to turn to, friends, parents. A single Dad is much harder to get support for. "

Ummm, no. That's not how life works.

My DH died and there are no living grandparents to help out, my siblings are spread across the globe and whilst I have lots of lovely friends, they all have families and lives of their own, so cannot drop everything if & when I need assistance.

I've had to change my work, buy in help when needed, severely limit my social life and take my kids with me to events that I would much rather have gone to childfree.

You, by contrast, have living parents who offer free childcare at weekends. You have time to run, go to the gym as well as keep the job you had in marriage (which is presumably full time) so you are getting waaaaay more support than I ever had or will get.

I understand that you're frustrated and want adult company, but solo parenting usually means that your child(ren) have been through a significant amount of trauma leading to a wholly absent parent. So you really need to focus on your DC for a while.

My DC aren't even aware of the dates I have been on, nor should they be. If things get serious with someone I may well introduce them a year or so in.

Continue to date your GF in your free time, your DC doesn't need to know much about it, but be honest with your GF that further kids MAY be on your agenda, but not until your existing DC is emotionally secure and that could take years; potentially longer than this woman's biological clock has to offer.

Dating is fine and acceptable.

Rushing into a blended family in your situation is not advisable, and it seems the only real reason for the rush is your GF's desire to have a baby.

You might have to let this relationship go and date someone who isn't wanting DC in the near future, just so you can slow down the introduction process of a new GF to your child without ruining the GF's chances of ever having DC.

I lost all respect for the OP when he described himself as "housebound" simply because he has a teenager.

That word does not mean what you think it means, OP.

Op if your ex left this year, and you've been dating this gf for 6 months, then at best your daughter only had a few months between one massive life change and you starting to date again.

You may well have spent years feeling unloved and unwanted in your marriage, but that's nothing to do with your dd. Think of it from her perspective, Mum has gone, barely any contact, massive life change and I expect trauma. Of course she's not going to be ok with you dating someone else a few months later!

I know someone who was counting the days to start dating again after a divorce, she imposed a year's wait on herself so her kids would settle into the new family situation first. She started dating again after that year and it was a disaster, her youngest was nowhere near ready for that next change. So she's had to wait, she realised she was rushing for her own needs. I know you can't put a random amount of time on how long to wait before dating again and potentially introducing a new gf to your dd, but a few months is nothing!

Your poor dd, she has nobody else by the sounds of it, and during the next few years her hormones and emotions will be all
over the place with puberty too. You keep saying you deserve to be happy, and that your dd wants you to be happy. You're implying that your daughter doesn't make you happy by saying this. Please put yourself in her shoes and see how this all looks and sounds to her.

You seem to be justifying everything by saying you put up with 4 years or more of being unloved by your ex, you seem to be rushing into things, perhaps you fear if you don't then you'll miss the boat, but it's very early days! I suggest you seek some therapy for yourself to process everything that's happened with your ex and your feelings about the future / fear of ending up alone which I think is at the root of it. I'd also seek separate therapy for your daughter, possibly family therapy for the two of you together. This situation needs a lot of careful navigating, Especially where it's still so early on for your daughter and at her age when she's going through so many changes (I have a teen dd myself and it can be a rollercoaster)

If you're as great as you say you are, you'll still be able to meet someone new in the future, whether it's a year, 2 or more. What happened in your marriage is not your daughter's burden or concern, she's just a child.

Some of the replies on here are nuts. Of course he’s going to want to have a relationship with someone. His daughter is going to have to come to terms with this. She must have plenty of friends whose parents have split and that have introduced new partners.

My advice would be to do lots of talking with her, and to take things with the new partner slowly.

No one’s saying he can’t have a relationship.. he is having one. The vast majority are saying don’t have another baby with someone you just met and put his child’s needs first.

No one is saying OP should not have a relationship! All people are saying is that his relationship should be kept separate from his daughter. No-one has a problem with a live-out girlfriend.

Its becoming a little wearing hearing OP's hyperbole about being condemned to loneliness and being housebound when he has been perfectly successful in meeting a woman and dating, goes to the gym daily and has childcare for the weekends.

He's not that hard done by. Having a live-out rather than live-in partner does not condemn one to loneliness or being single (clearly).

Its hard to avoid the conclusion that OP just wants a younger girlfriend ( his obsession with his youthful looks and horror at 'silver dating', which would mean women his own age) and is just one of those men who cannot cope when they are not living with a woman, and he'll do anything to get that including having another baby and ignoring what his daughter needs and is telling him she needs from him.

He’s afraid he’ll lose his new younger girl friend if he doesn’t have a baby with her soon. So has disregarded advice telling him he’s being selfish

Brilliant advice
It is important that you are able to have a relationship OP but this needs to be treated with kid gloves; one small step at a time.
As hard as it is, having a baby with your GF isn't a consideration at this time

Put your daughter first. She has recently been traumatised and is very clearly telling you what she needs right now and you are trying to find a way to justify meeting your wants instead of her needs.

The OP doesnt have time to wait 10 years, they want children.
Id be more annoyed at your ex wife not seeing your daughter. Thats a shitty thing to do.
Id never not see my DS .enopause or not even though teenager and menopause are a really bad mix.
Maybe OP getting on with his life will encourage a mother child relationship.

I don’t think op is a troll. Trolls aren’t bothered about asserting their hotness at 50.

Realistically, I thnk you need to wait before you even consider introducing your daughter to your GF. Your marriage only ended a year ago and you've only been dating for 6 months. This is all to much to soon. Your daughter needs must come before @HopperDash penis. There has been a lot of change in the day year. Your daughter needs time to adjust.

Absolutely, I'm a woman and have no family to rely on, the rare times I've had a babysitter I've had to pay sitters.com

on Mumsnet the general consensus to these kind of posts is that parents should put themselves second and the child must come first, whatever the circumstances. IMO it’s rarely that simple, but there are some things that you need to get real about before you make a choice:

• you are all your daughter has and if you start another family, move a girlfriend into your home or even make the relationship ‘serious’ it WILL have an impact on your child. The likelihood is she will feel rejected and pushed out and it will harm your relationship in years to come.
• There is also a possibility that this could be positive in the long term, if your partner were to become a mother figure and the new children give your dd stability and family to be part of. In order for that to happen you would need to move with utmost care and your girlfriend would have to be extremely patient and willing to put your child ahead of your relationship.
• Having been your girlfriend in this situation ( or at least very similar one) this is no easy feat. Women are not saints and it is very difficult to love a child who is not yours who is being vile to you because of their own insecurities and trauma.
• any child you bring into this will be another person with needs and wants and wishes and you will have to accommodate them.
• how much do you value your daughter’s needs and happiness over your own and how far are you willing to postpone your own needs to give her what she needs?

Hi OP. I know that there isn't much point in replying since you have had so many replies but I will give it a go anyway. Your daughter has some attachment issues as a result of being abandoned by the person who should have been her primary caregiver. She needs therapy alone and with you. You are right, she will be an adult soon and in the future, she will be glad that you are not having to grow old alone. I think you should pursue your relationship, be open to having another child if that is what you and your girlfriend want, but your daughter must be closely involved. Your girlfriend needs to know what she will be getting into as well, as there will almost certainly be difficulties as your daughter learns to see you as husband to a new woman, as well as her father. One thing that is vital, is that throughout the entire process, you must always make sure that you have at least one night a week where you and your daughter spend time alone, doing whatever it is that you both like to do (shopping? Sport?). Even as she learns to accept your girlfriend, a daughter always needs her own time with her dad. My dad never did that with my siblings and I (his girlfriend was very insecure and possessive) and that is why our new family dynamic failed. My stepmum always had to be there and my dad was too weak to say 'no, the girls hardly see me they need time for it to be just us'.
Good luck!

If he was a troll I think he'd pretend to be a young woman mad about 'hot' guys in their 50s. That seems to be a popular one at the moment.

Maybe OP getting on with his life will encourage a mother child relationship

This has to be the most insane comment on the entire thread.

So a child has recently been abandoned by her mother ( I know three siblings btw whose mother left them to set up with another man, and they are all really fucked up by it still - they are middle aged. The daughter is an alcoholic. The impact of maternal abandonment cannot be underestimated) should have her father ' get on with his life' by starting a new family, and bringing a new woman into the child's home, and this is worth the risk as it 'may' get the mother to be a bit more involved.

Fucking huge gamble you are taking with a child's life with that strategy.

As well as an unnecessary gamble, as the obvious route to maximising her emotional security through life is for her Father to step up and put her first, rather than his desire for himself to set up with another woman.

The ten year figure is one he made up btw, to make himself seem more tragic. Its not a figure in any way connnected to the reality of his rather fortunate situation.