Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

THIS 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I think you should give it a bit more time OP. I think you should be able to have a partner , but you DD does need you .

Exactly! It must be so unthinkable for him to go on a dating site for people his age.

Like they hand out a support network while they're stitching up your episiotomy.

It seems that your definition of a good dad is not kicking a kid out or something. There is literally nothing that demonstrates you are a great dad. A dad yes...a great one?? See the thread with a mother whose 6 year old doesn't like living with her new partner. Everyone's said....move him out and live apart. Most people live apart post divorce.

Seemingly you just want to get back to where you used to the- young women and babies. The reality of being 50 isn't that you look crap but that unlike 35 year olds your priorities are different...i.e. you have teenagers, juggle work. And in that manner ....you are very much a 50 year old with a teenager rather than in your mid-30s. Deal with it....you can have a girlfriend but no one thinks this is the right time to move her in and for new babies.

Well, yes.

Especially as he looks so much younger, and goes to the gym every day.

Do you expect him to wait until she moves out or turns 18? Parents aren’t just parents, yes it should be the most important part of your life but you should still be allowed to have relationships, if you wish. I think you’re projecting your feelings onto this situation. Although you have no desire to live with anyone, but the OP does. I have friends who have met new partners and now have other children. If some of them had waited until their child was a ‘suitable’ age, those other children probably wouldn’t exist.

OP, you aren’t being selfish, and it sounds as though you are a good and considerate father to your daughter, otherwise why would you bother asking for input from others on this sensitive issue. As some have said, you are entitled to happiness, but you’re not just going ahead and grabbing it at your daughter’s emotional expense.

I’d only say - give it more time with the aim of your daughter and your girlfriend forming a good relationship, perhaps eventually a real bond. If that happens and things progress as you hope they will, who knows, perhaps your daughter will go on to adore a new baby sibling - it has been known.

That might mean he would have to deal with a menopausal woman who can see through his bullshit

I'm sorry if my above comment is a bit harsh, but the shell beach articulated it well above. Op isn't housbound. It's kinda offensive to say the single moms have a supoport network, and automatically have it easier. My MIL has a great support network built up over years. The reason she has that is she has worked extremely hard to build and maintain that on purpose. It doesn't neccessarily fall into your lap.

Your 50 and your daughter is 13/14. You and her mother have split up and she has a poor relationship with her mother and she lives with you.
Meanwhile you have a girlfriend of 6 months whose 38 and you know that your girlfriend wants a baby. You wanted another child in the past but your ex wife did not want this.
You told us that your a young 50 as well.

You and what you want is not the only consideration here. You are 50 and the only parent your daughter has as her mother is not willing to spend time with her. As a teenager your daughter is dealing with a lot of physical and mental changes. She is dealing with school and will have exams and possibly university in the next few years. What happens in her life in the next few years can and will have a major impact on her life as an adult. It will also have an impact on your relationship with her.

You said that you wanted another child in the past. The reality is that your now 50 and being honest your to old to have another child.

I know of several older men that have end up having kids with autism. I know one man whose 2 children are now in their late teens and early 20's and both are still living at home.
They will never be able to live as independent adults and the parents have to figure out what will happen to both of them in the future.
Another man I know rushed in to having a baby with his girlfriend when he was younger than you. After a few years they began to notice things were not as they should be with their child. They were diagnosed as having autism. The father was made redundant and then decided to claim benefits and be a stay at home dad so he be there to bring the child to school, appointments ect and meanwhile his girlfriend is still working full time. They have very little child free time.

You know that your daughter does not want your girlfriend to move in. I think that your willing to have another baby with your girlfriend because you wanted another baby in the past.
You need to accept that your 50 and you could be 51 or 52 before this baby is born and even if your lucky enough to have a child without special needs your looking at at least another 21 years plus of bringing up a child. Do you still want to be working past retirement age because you need the money to fund a child though secondary school and college?

In your situation I would tell your girlfriend that your daughter needs a lot of help at the moment due to you and her mother splitting up. Tell her I know that you want a family but I feel that due to my current situation and age I don't want another child and it not fair for me to stay with you when I know this. Don't let her think if she stays with you that you can have a family with her because I hope you realise that this would be a very bad idea for you all.

If you want a relationship I would look for a woman closer to your own age because they won't want a child or already have children. Your at the same life stage and have more in common than a childless woman who is 12 years younger than you.

Your daughter needs help and support now and you need to get her counselling as she has had to deal with a lot.

Single dads get WAAAAY more support than single parent women.
When my Mum died {I was 2.5 yrs} Dad {in later years} said women more or less threw themselves at him.

Something about a widower {no wife in the background} that is a siren song for women, even with a toddler in tow!

He found a new woman very fast.

I have two half brothers.

You can date, but why do you need to think about having a baby so bloody quickly?

Just date for goodness sake. Take it slowly. It isn’t a sprint. Or just try to be happy in your own for a bit. Enjoy your time with your DD.

@HopperDash

In typical Mumsnet fashion, you have come on here to ask for opinions and views, and you've got many of them which are saying you should not be pushing this new girlfriend of just 6 months onto your daughter especially (when she is so resentful of her!), and you should be putting your daughter first, (and you really, really should not be having babies in your early 50s.) Yet, no matter what posters are saying, you are saying, 'yeah but no but yeah but...' and coming up with a bunch of reasons why everyone giving advice that you don't like is 'wrong.'

And you are not a 'young 50.' Nobody is a young 50. You are a 50 year old 50! And 50 is not young And it is definitely not young enough to be having a baby FGS! There's a strong chance that if you have a child now - or within 2-3 years like you mentioned you may do - that you won't get to see them celebrate their 30th birthday ...

You possibly won't even get to see them get married, and they - along with your much younger wife - will end up being your carer in about 15-20 years. Like fuck would I want to be a carer for a partner when I'm in my mid 50s!

I know this is always trotted out on here but it needs to be said again and again. It seems like you're 50, your body's 50 - and everything else on it is 50, but in your head you're about 22. You sound very immature and rather stubborn, and you definitely should not be having another baby with this much younger woman who you've known 5 minutes. She'll be on the cusp of a bit too old herself by the time she has it if you wait 2-3 years. She'll be in her early 40s. Not fair on the child, OR the child you already have!

Seriously, grow up!

.

Well said.

@HopperDash not managed to read all the other replies but I get the gist of the responses. Here to give a different view as I’ve been on both ends of this. I’ve been the teenager who didn’t want my mum to be with someone else. And also the girlfriend of someone whose teenage daughter wouldn’t accept me. I can honestly say the best thing my mum did was not pander to me as a teenager. I got over it and accepted it eventually. I also got a taste of the other side as an adult when my ex’s adult daughter made life difficult. Like you say, in 5 years your daughter will be grown up and have a life of her own. I know so many people this has happened to and the ones where the parents have pandered to the kids have ended up alone.

There's got to be middle ground between "not dating at all" (which you are so outraged about) and contemplating starting a new family with a woman you've been dating 6 months when you're relationship with your dds mum broke up not much longer before.

Break it down. You "like" this woman. Is that and the sex worth alienating your dd for? Is it worth fucking up a crucial moment in your dds development. She's forming her toolkit for how she behaves in future relationships AND she will be doing key exams in the next few years.

As a self confessed "good dad" you will have ensured your dd had good nutrition as a toddler, educational toys to help her to start reading and counting, helped her socialise as she went through primary school. But now she's 13 and you want to have a relationship then you're looking ahead to her being grown up and thinking that what you want trumps what she wants. You have no interest in helping her to navigate romantic sexual or even friend relationships with trust and confidence, or helping with her emotional wellbeing as she moves on to the bit of education that actually counts for something in your adult life?

My advice (not that you're interested in anything anyone has said on here unless it's "go for it"!) Is to be honest with your 38 year old new relationship that it's too early to be able to commit to having a child with her and you need to let her know that having a baby with you might not be a possibility.

Did you enjoy child rearing so much that you want to do it all over again? Or were you looking forward to travel, hobbies, getting a but of yourself back rather than being "dad"? Getting a dd nearly to adulthood then starting again is pretty hard. Unless you've actually been an absent, uninvolved dad and want to do it better next time.

Thank you @Disturbia81

@HopperDash I know that you think that you're a fit and healthy 50 year old so everything will be fine but it's not necessarily true after 50 your chances of getting cancer of have another life limiting health condition are massively increased along with the chances of having an autistic child.
Also logistically wise if you were to have another child with this woman realistically (unless your daft and already trying for 1) you've been dating for 6 months so another 6 till she moves in plus atleast 6 months living together before trying so she'd be around 40 and you'd be 52 when you start trying and even if she gets pregnant immediately (unlikely at her age) 53 when dc is born, so when this dc is 13 you will be 66 and by the time they're 18 you'll be 71 how is that fair on the child? Will you be able to support them on your pension? Will you be able to financially support them through uni? Will you be around for their graduation? Also are you happy to lose you relationship with your existing dc and future grandchildren all because you selfishly want another dc at 50?

Very true- Autism absolutely increases with parental age {Men as well as women}.

There is an older couple locally who need two physically strong carers in every day to help manage their now adult offspring who has profound Autism.

It has turned their lives upside down.

People imagine having an easy baby, and not the alternative.

Is it fair on the child?

Very true - Autism absolutely increases with parental age {Men as well as women}

As does Down Syndrome and many other chromosomal abnormalities.

👏Well said too!

In fact, with a mother of 38 and a father of 50, the chances are quite high that there will be a problem.

OP you're being very selfish.

So your wife only left you and your daughter at the start of this year? And you're already talking to her about having girlfriends, children and stepchildren? This is bonkers OP. This poor girl is probably still hurting and feeling rejected by her mother.

And I also think having a child into your 50s is bonkers and selfish but each to their own.

When you chose to have your child, you made a commitment to put her first in life. All this talk of it not being 'fair' that you can't have a partner is just ridiculous. You CHOSE this. It won't be long until she leaves home... why can't you leave it until then for cohabitation and for her to meet any new love interest.

And they will be waiting a bit so they both will be even older. OP, please don't future fake this woman and rob her of any chance of having a child.