Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Sorry, op. Your dd should come first.

OP, you should walk away from the internet. You've had loads of advice, now you have to make up your own mind. Whatever you do, your daughter needs counselling now, she is hurting badly. Good luck.

Genuinely no, although I do sympathise with her. Unfortunately, it’s just not realistic.

I'm absolutely comfortable with being called bitter and nasty if expressing that I feel that chatting to your young teen who's mother has left very recently, about your wish to have a baby with your girlfriend of six months isn't a good idea.

If that makes me bitter and nasty then that's ok with me. It's all completely irrelevant because OP while thinking with his pants, has convinced himself he needs a superhero cape for his parenting and a medal for his husbanding, and hasn't got the memo about adding a baby into a relationship not really being the secret ingredient for happiness.

But the man wants what he wants, and who is his existing child to stand in the way of his desire for a woman who can free him from his current single parenting drudgery, and let him get back out there by providing a bit of free childcare. He's young for his age you know, he really shouldn't be hiding his light under a bushel in the house, doing the single parenting, feeling housebound. He needs happiness and we all know that is to be found in a rebound relationship with a much younger woman and a screaming newborn.

An excellent father really should have as many children as he wants, regardlesss of the circumstances so they can all benefit from his excelling fathering capabilities, that's what it's all about hey?

@HopperDash Counselling, therapy…your DD needs it, you probably also need it in order to avoid jumping in too fast and repeating past mistakes. Are you one of those men who doesn’t believe in it?

You’ve ignored everyone who recommended it. Regardless of what you do next, she will need a lot of it. You said your wife refused to get help for her menopausal issues…so you need to do better for your daughter so she doesn’t enter adulthood carrying all the unresolved issues from the marriage breakdown and maternal alienation. A side benefit could be that she will become more open to you moving on in a relationship. Another possible side benefit could be some eventual repair of the relationship with her mother, which would be to your benefit.

I really hope you slow down with the crazy headlong rush to “move on” and both get the therapy you would really benefit from.

Women don't have support because they are women. There are plenty of women without a support network. Your daughter is old enough to be left alone at thirteen so you can get out of the house.

What's he supposed to do, put his life on hold, the daughter would not want him to be miserable, they will have to find a compromise, but she is aware of the girlfriend and I do think she should meet her. She might like her, she might find an friend and a positive female influence in her life, if the girlfriend is serious she needs to put the effort in

I can't believe you even have to ask. Prioritize your daughter. That's what you signed up for when you had kids so, sorry, but tough shit if that doesn't suit you right now.

I say this as a child of a broken home that really damaged me.

I think you know what is right, and your daughter should come first. Your relationship may never recover if you move in with the GF and have another (why?) baby

But you're not on your own?

Your wife left earlier this year and within months you had someone else.

Yes you are allowed to be happy but please hear this - your wife left you in spirit years ago, YOU. Your daughter still had her parents together regardless of what mother was doing. She left and almost immediately you have a new woman and are talking about moving her in and having kids.

Give your daughter time to breathe, give her time to adjust. It's a very new relationship so why does she need to meet her now? Please give her time and show her love and give her reassurance.

You claim to be a good dad but you're just coming across as selfish by saying that she'll be 18 in a few years so I deserve to have someone. Your daughter deserves to have at least one parent show her the love and understanding she needs and is clearly screaming out for but you don't seem to care as long as you're "not alone"?

And I'm sorry but you believe you're the "good one" in the story regarding your wife but from what you've said, you pushed her to stay together for the sake of your daughter (allegedly because that almost always does more harm than good) when your wife was telling you she wanted to be alone. Another selfish decision that everyone just had to go along with for your sake.

You're just going to keep ignoring what you're being told on here so I'll just end with listen to your bloody daughter and maybe ask if she feels she needs some therapy because she's been through alot just this year thanks to BOTH of her parents. Think she needs a safe space to let it all out which then in turn might make her happier to want her dad to find someone etc.

The moment your DD gets a boyfriend, it would be a different story altogether!

Her Mum abandoned her earlier this year and you already have a new girlfriend you’ve been with for 6 months you’re thinking about having kids with? We’re 11 months into the year! How incredibly selfish. Stop thinking with your pants down and put your daughter first. I hope you’re in contact with a therapist to help support her? I don’t even think your daughter should know you have a girlfriend at this point.

I would say the exact same thing to a woman in this situation btw. I wouldn’t even consider adding another child into the mix.

It does look to me as OP met someone he really likes and is ready to take a long-term view rather than is ready to make a baby asap.
Usually 6 months is a point where you decide whether you drop it or could see the oerson next to you mid-/long-term.

Agree with the above - I have a friend in this position.He went to family therapy with new girlfriend and daughters and they all get on well now - his new baby was a really bonding experience.

I do strongly disagree! Why is not realistic for the daughter not to have another woman potentially moving into her life when she's still getting over her mother moving out? It seems perfectly realistic to me that the dad can just not do this!

I'm a single parent too, and while casual dating is fine, I wouldn't even think about moving another man into my home until my kids leave home. (Probably not then either as I prefer living alone!). They don't need another dad, and I don't want them having any kind of emotional disruption, especially around GCSEs and A-levels.

And there you have it. OP wants a youngish girlfriend and not someone "silver" in a few years. Sounds like he doesn't have hobbies or friends since he thinks he can only be fulfilled in a relationship. I understand it sucks to be lonely op, but you can have a partner and not move in for a while.

You talk about being such a great dad op (comparing you to your ex like it's some kind of contest.) But damage has been done. She's alienated and feels rejected by her mom. Parental abandonment is serious and not easy to overcome. So you didn't choose the best partner, and you stayed way too long. (Stuff happens, can't change the past, but don't sugarcoat the situation.) If she gets to be on drugs, gets in relationships too soon and pops out some kids, what will happen? She'll be shown the door bc you can't have an aggresive druggy around the new baby and mom, and the needs of the three will come ahead of her own.

Maybe I've read too many threads about aggressive teens on these boards. I also have concerns about my own childs aggresion. (older parent)

I haven’t RTFT, but it seems a huge number of PP’s have indicated you would be selfish to enter a new relationship and have another child.

I completely disagree. You are entitled to a happy life too, and your daughter shouldn’t be allowed to dictate to you.

Of course your daughter should be reassured that your relationship with her will still be very important to you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t also have an adult relationship with your new woman.

I find it bizarre that so many posters have condemned you to a lonely life, or told you to wait until your daughter is an adult herself.

Think he meant him starting dating in his sixties

I think most people are suggesting he wait more than a couple of weeks which he didn't do.

@AnonymousBleep Exactly, how is it not realistic!? Is he that out of control that he must have a woman and insert her into family life sharpish. What a weird post

Oh here we go. You're not extra special because you're a single dad, not a single mum. You don't have it harder because you're a single dad, not a single mum

Some single mums have a wider 'village' and a great support network, some don't. It's exactly the same with single dads, some do, some don't.

Every time you post you're coming across more whiney, more petulant, and more selfish.

Oh wow OP you are really getting flame here. So many unhelpful posts.
did you have a conversation with your girlfriend about her expectations? Yes, 6 months is not much but at your and her age its definitely not too early to know where you both stand before you it gets too serious.

I think a near year on my own and four years of a partner stating clearly they don't want me is enough time

I do sympathise with you on this but kindly that isn’t relevant. You don’t come first. You’re the sole parent to a teenage girl whose Mum has abandoned her. She wasn’t abandoned 4 years ago. She was abandoned this year. Your relationship difficulties prior to that don’t really weigh into the situation because presumably she still had a functioning Mum and Dad for those 4 years.

By all means move on and start dating but I don’t think it’s right your daughter is even aware of a girlfriend at this point never mind meeting her and discussing her moving in (and producing a sibling for her!). She will still be processing the loss of her Mother and wondering why she walked out and left. I understand you are lonely and want help with the parenting but this isn’t the right way to help support your daughter.

I find it bizarre that so many posters have condemned you to a lonely life, or told you to wait until your daughter is an adult herself

That'll be because as soon as his wife left him (and I'd love to know why) he found a new girlfriend within days, and is already thinking of having another baby with her.

Oh, and he thinks he's "housebound" despite going to work and the gym every day, and going out at night to shag the new girlfriend.