Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Don’t be pedantic. He’s holding back on a full relationship because of his daughter. It’s what his original post is about!

@TheShellBeach yeah sorry. He's actually just started a thread on a forum and left when he wasn't getting the feedback he hoped for.

I've just seen this @HopperDash I get that you feel hard done by, but please don't feel that you are much more hard done by than many single parent Mothers. Unfortunately many single parents of either sex find it very, very hard going and many women are in the exact same situation as you with no-one able to give them any support for all sorts of reasons. You do, at least have parents able to provide some levels of support. Are there any forums/groups etc where you can talk face to face with others or get support from online. Might help you with information and advice? I do feel for you. I've been a single parent in the past. Your current situation will pass in time, although it might not feel like that right now.

Original post just said ‘teen’. And the point still stands, he’s entitled to be in a new relationship.

@DaphnesCafe you think not having a baby and / or moving in with his new girlfriend when he's only known her for 6 months is him holding back?!

Wait until your daughter has flown the nest. Then look for love. Prioritise her and she will thank you fir it in years to come.

@HopperDash why do you need a relationship or feel wanted in order to be happy though. Happiest shouldnt come from validation from someone else - in all honesty you don’t sound ready and seem to be rushing with her because she wants kids and you don’t want to be on your own

the end of your marriage has left clear scars on you and your daughter - heal those first before trying to find a relationship

Look, OP. It's pretty clear that you are going to do what you want to do anyway, so I don't understand why you come on this forum asking "permissions"/"a female perspective". Is it so you can use it to metaphorically beat you daughter over the head with the "approval" from random women online?

You are selfish to even consider this and you know it, or you would not have come here at all. My parents were 10 years younger than you are now when they had me and my siblings and we spent our teenage years visiting them in the hospitals they were in and out of. We still remember the hospitals better than school. You may be a "healthy 50-year-old", but you are not going to stay that way.

Furthermore, the DNA from a 50-year-old man does not compare to that of a 30-year-old man. The quality degrades over time, no matter how young you look or how often you go to the gym. You are still 50. Which means an increased risk in complications for both you partner during her pregnancy, as well as the child, who has a significantly increased risk in having to live life with a developmental disorder.

Now, I haven't even mentioned your daughter yet. Let me just say, that you chose to have a child. She did not ask to be born. Furthermore, she is only now (after more than a decade of her childhood) living in a stable home and you want to dismantle it around her by bringing in another adult and creating a new family, which she knows, as well as you do, that she'll be on the periphery of.

My question to you is this: Do you want to maintain a good relationship with your daughter, even after she had grown up and independent and won't need you to provide her with stability anymore? If the anwser is yes, than provide her with stability now, so she'll happily come to visit you after she has moved out. Or is the answer no, then by all means proceed. You'll likely never see her again once she gains her independence. Or if you do the relationship will be frosty, to say the least.

If you read my post I actually said don’t necessarily rush into having children. But a child saying they don’t even want to meet a new partner is being ridiculous. I didn’t particularly like my dad’s new partner when I was a teenager, but now I am forever grateful that he’s in a stable relationship and I don’t have to worry about him being alone.

Of course you are allowed to date but your daughter still needs to be your top priority. If you have another child you will be prioritising your girlfriend and not your daughter. You need to put her first - it will turn her life upside down if you move your girlfriend in and have another child. I'd say the exact same thing to a woman btw. Blended families are rarely to the advantage of the existing children.

They've only been dating six months. Her mum moved out of the family home earlier this year. Don't you think it's a bit soon for a 13-year-old who's still adjusting to that to have to meet dad's new girlfriend?

Staggering lack of self-awareness from the OP. It's quite the self-pitying perfect husband and father routine from Saint (Not) Housebound.

It’s not the dating that’s the issue - it’s the talk of moving in, babies and calling someone ‘partner’ after 6 months.
My mate didn’t even tell her children she was seeing someone for the first 6 months, then it was another 6 months before he met them. Which, as a dad himself, he was fine about because he understood the impact introducing new people into children’s lives can have.
Date away mate, but for the love of god stop talking to your DD about it and stop discussing the possibility of a new woman of 6 months becoming her step mother and giving her half siblings.

@DaphnesCafe the OP was in a relationship weeks after his last one ended. I certainly wouldn't be up for meeting my Dad's partner so soon. That he's talking about a baby 6 months in would suggest he's been expecting his daughter to meet her for longer.

I'd also suggest that you shelve your ego for a moment and think hard about your GF for a moment. Think why a woman in her 30s wants to move in with and start a family with a 50 year old man she's known for 6 months, with a teen daughter who is deeply unhappy about it. Of all the men in the world, men her own age, without these complications, why the rush for you? Because, mate, you're not 'a young 50', you're 50. You just might be in a bit better condition than men in their 50s who've let themselves go completely. But nothing is winding back that clock. You will be old to be a father to her child. You will be splitting your parenting with your existing child. And it's way too soon for her to have decided you're the love of her life. So do think hard about whether she is making a sensible choice for the right reasons, and if she isn't, what that could mean for your DD as well as for you.

Do you know what. Sometimes a teenager just has to lump it.
You cant end your life and turn into a hermit.
My half sisters were born when I was 13 and 15 and I wouldnt be without them. I was none too happy at the time but that soon changed.
She'll be off to uni or whatever soon enough and will have a life on her own.
She is not going to get her original family back.
I say be firm and dont accept any rudeness. You are the adult.

You may have had years emotionally to have moved on from your wife and that relationship but your DD hasn’t.

I completely agree. I don't imagine OP will have much of an ongoing relationship with his daughter if he continues down this path.

Your DD is only just entering adolescence, is likely absolutely traumatised by her mum leaving and suddenly cutting her dead and is terrified her only present parent is going to abandon her because he almost immediately started dating someone else while telling her he deserves to be happy. Now you're already thinking about future children and basically writing her needs off because "she'll be an adult in 5 years".

Everything you've posted is about you. You are a good guy, you are the wronged party, your happiness, your needs, you are a young 50, you are housebound mid week (welcome to life as a resident parent that women experience every day).

Now I'll say to you what I'd say to any woman in the same position. Your daughter's needs are more important than yours here. She is a child and needs her only present parent to put her first.

He'll be fine. He'll have his new family.

The daughter won't have anyone but hey ho.

I couldn't have worded this better if I'd tried.

It is the specifics of this situation as described by the OP that is making most people comment as they are.

This isn't a 20 year old having a hissy fit because their long divorced parent has finally started dating again. It's a 12/13 year old child who has within the last year been pretty much abandoned by her mother and who now has a father who seems very concerned with his right to happiness and is champing at the bit to create a new family with someone he's known 6 months.

It's a disaster waiting to happen, for the daughter in this at least, who is insecure (for very good reason) and not emotionally ready to be "blended" in any way.

There are often health implications for the children of older fathers and we don't discuss this enough. Are you really prepared to have a child who may be disabled in some way? It's something everyone planning a pregnancy has to think about but the chances are higher for couples having children later. Plus you will be exhausted, also your partner will be in her forties with a very young child, which is a hard time for women anyway. Factor in ageing parents of your own (if that's the case) and it's a pretty bad idea.

there are a lot of bitter, nasty comments on here, they absolutely did not go gentle on them as could've been predicted. Take them with a pinch of salt.

Bitter and nasty because people think it's a bad idea moving in a new woman and impregnating her after six months? Are you for real? People are getting frustrated because he's refusing to listen.

52 is old to have a baby. My child has a developemental disorder ( and both I and my husband were younger than you but still older parents. (husband in 30's though.) And while that is fine and everychild is absolutely worthy, it's good to be aware that things can be more challanging and that your child my be less likely to be independent. Your daughter my not like that.

She's also only 13. Kids are usually dependant beyond the age of 18 these days. I'm not sure why you have it in your head that if you don't meet someone right away it'll be too late. I'm not saying to wait until your daughter is in her twenties, but maybe see how settled she is in a couple years, or have a relationship where you aren't living together.