Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

But yiur child has also been shown to be unwanted as well and has had some pivotal tween years living in such an environment.

you suck it up to be there for your daughter who needs you and just you for now. It is less than a year since her mother has gone and you are already with someone and talking children it is much much much too soon for her

OP, just be aware that there are many posters on Mumsnet who take an uncompromising line on divorced parents having a new partner. Their view is that divorced parents should never live with someone else until the youngest child is 18.

I disagree with this. I think parents are human beings who deserve love and a life partner and don’t need to put their lives on hold for years on end. I don’t think they should have to wait years, until the children are over 18, to find someone, when they’re much older.

If your partner is a kind and decent person, and your daughter only has you, it could benefit her enormously to have a nice stepmum and a sibling or two.

If your DD really is 'your world' or whatever it is they say, then the answer is obvious. You don't bring another woman into her home against her wishes and present her with a baby sibling. Because neither of those things are remotely in her interests. They are solely for your benefit and to her detriment. Which arguably you can justify to yourself as you have done, but you can't put yourself first AND present yourself as a father who puts your DD first. So decide which you are, own it and take the consequences.

I think the only relevant points are the daughter is at most 13, possibly 12 years old.
Her mother left her less than a year ago.

Really think on that OP.

He put his life on hold for approximately 4 months. Possibly less.

@HopperDash your daughter won't be an adult in five years' time. She'll just be an eighteen year old school-leaver who will still have a lot of maturing to do.

I've got four children, all adult now.

I'd say that my two DDs didn't really become "adults" till they were about 25.

I hope you're not envisaging your daughter leaving home at 18, and you and your girlfriend and toddler being a new little unit when she does.

@ShinyShona Respectfully, I think that's bollocks. I've seen plenty of criticism on MN of women who blend families or go on to have children with subsequent men while their existing children are still living at home.

Your daughter shouldn't be able to dictate your personal life and whether you have more children or not.

He are you going to manage a new baby being housebound and so busy ?? Oh and 50 ?

I haven't read other people's responses in their entirety but I'm sure you are coming out of this with a lot more grief than if a woman was in your position, voicing her feelings similarly. Yes I get that it's not long since your ex left. You are still entitled to find happiness and you can surely achieve this by taking small steps with your new woman. I'm not saying you should be trying for a new baby as you barely know each other really, but to introduce your girlfriend gradually to the domestic set-up with the plan being that she will move in before long, I think this is reasonable.
No one can predict the future, you clearly love your daughter and won't be replacing her mother. Nor will your love for your daughter be diminished by having your girlfriend move in. As long as you keep talking, continue to spend quality time together and try and accommodate her feelings to a reasonable degree then I think you can make it work.

There's more to it than that though ..

@HopperDash What a dilemma- But really it will be a disaster if the new girlfriend gets pregnant- it will completely alienate your daughter, who will definitely feel replaced.

If you have sole custody, her mother must be pretty 'tricky' and unsuitable parent material, so you are all she has.

Also- as you know, relationships change when children arrive.

Be VERY careful about ''whoops! I'm pregnant'' announcements.

This happened to my neighbour- he was living with his teenaged children {their mother died} and his new 'girl' friend was pushing 40 and did the ''Oh look! I'm pregnant''! thing- and she kept it secret til after the pregnancy was too late to terminate.

It was a terrible shock to the bloke- who was assured she was on the pill-
Women can be very determined to get pregnant- so do watch for the ''accident''.

I really disagree with a lot of the comments here & thing there’s huge potential for a positive relationship between you all. The very fact you have reached out advice shows the care you have for your daughter; you sound like an excellent father but that does not mean your life should be on hold. At some point your daughter will also understand that dynamics change. What is important initially is really strong communication between everyone and not rushing the relationship between the two of them. Start with something small, quick introductions between the two of them (you may have to force the hand on this if your daughter is reluctant) and positive conversations about relationships.

I fully believe your daughter will learn to accept the changes. She is a teenager after all so expect some difficulties and lots of crying! But remember many people make blended families work and although it will be tough for the initial transition, it is achievable. It’ll be amazing in the long run for your daughter to have a positive female relationship in her life.

@Busywithsomething

I'm sure you are coming out of this with a lot more grief than if a woman was in your position, voicing her feelings similarly.

Bullshit. A woman would be told exactly the same, I have witnessed it many times on here.

And neither can OP dictate how that decision will impact his daughter/his relationship with his daughter.

It's a risk he is willing (or not) to take.

Unfortunately it looks like you will have to choose between your girlfriend and future child or maintaining a good relationship with your current child. It sounds like not having kids will be a deal breaker for your girlfriend. At 50, you might be better off finding someone who already has kids or doesn't want them.

He reached out for advice but has ignored the majority of it.

Yes. This is quite true.
Women are told exactly the same - wait to introduce a new boyfriend, and don't have another baby too quickly.

Absolutely cringe to have a baby at 50

I think the important thing is to address how your daughter feels right now, no you shouldn't have to put life on hold indefinitely but it sounds as if she's struggling with her mum leaving and the feelings of abandonment. If you haven't already I'd look into her being able to talk to someone who can help her work through these feelings so she doesn't take them through to adulthood.

Also your girlfriend even if she wants her own child should I hope be mindful of your daughter and wanting to get to know her further down the line and forming a relationship with her before having her own child with you.

Blending a family isn't easy, it takes alot of patience and compassion to see things from a child's point of view no matter how illogical it may appear to an adult.

Take care of your daughter's needs first, get her the appropriate help and the rest will hopefully follow.

I hate that expression - "reaching out".

🤮

I can't think of a good time to lose a parent. Obviously a kid losing a parent is terrible and that risk should absolutely be avoided.

Average UK life expectancy for a man is 78, he's 50 not 65. I've known people in their 20s cope ok and people in their 30s not so well. This depends on personality and how close they are etc.. Personally I wouldn't factor this into my planning.

Might be worth reading the step parent board and seeing how many step parents don't enjoy spending time with their step kids particularly where their birth parent is a 'Disney dad'. Imagine it's your daughter that they dislike and go from there.

It'll be a massive age gap, and they are unlikely to ever be close.

A new 'girlfriend' and a new baby- no teen would want that.

It will throw her world upside down as OP and the new woman play ''happy families'' with the new kid.

The Teen will be pushed out.

Stepmothers once their own DNA lands soon begin to resent father's own children from before.

I'm 42 and just recently got engaged to my 42yo fiance. We've been together 3 years. I have teen daughters, he has a tween son. At six months in, our kids were all very cautious about the new relationship. We reassured them, made sure we moved at a slow pace and over time, we have all built relationships such that they are now happy for us to marry and move in together. It has involved negotiating boundaries - there were times they didn't want me to spend time with him but I told him that wasn't their decision. Over time they saw he treats me well, he treats them well and they accepted him. His son accepted me sooner than my daughters accepted him, but they got there. If they hadn't, I would have delayed moving in until they left home.

It's a balance - a teenage kid shouldn't dictate your personal life entirely but moving in with another person is a big deal and I think 6 months is too soon to be thinking about that or another baby when your daughter is so upset about it. If your girlfriend really wants a baby in the near future, she possibly isn't right for you.