Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Okay. WE GET IT. If you don’t procreate with this particular 38 year-old woman, whom you’ve known for all of 6 months, you’ll end up alone—exactly like your mother. And you’re a hot 50 year-old, who’s “not like the other 50 year-old guys.” You’re the exception—a unicorn.

There are some nasty women on this thread. There are on any thread that mentions menopause actually.

Having been through a horrendous menopause with a full on personality transplant I can absolutely see how this happened with your wife. It's very hard for husband's of women going through what I went through. My mum was the same. She became a nasty, angry person and in those days nobody understood why.

I can understand why you want a partner, but I do think 6 months is too soon to be thinking about having children. I think some family therapy with your daughter would help and then you could start slowly introducing your girlfriend into your family.

You have met at a difficult time. That's the long and short of it. Her biological clock is ticking, you are too soon out of your previous relationship, your daughter has only recently lost her mum figure.

Your daughters mum left a few months ago after teir relationship broke down. She is at a tricky age, one of her parents has effectively rejected he, and her parents have split. This has been an absolutely shit time for her. I'm not saying it hasn't been a shit time for you as well, but when you're early teens, this is absolutely huge and won't see it with the same perspective as you do. She will need time and patience to get over it. So I don't think the right thing to do is talk about you moving on, finding another partner, having another baby. It's too soon for her, and to her will be coming across as being rejected and being left behind. Imagine one parent leaving you and the other very shortly afterwards wanting to build a new family, which effectively throws her as an outsider into another family unit. Yes you love her but you'd be asking her to live with another adult who won't love her and prioritises their own child with her, who she hasn't even met.

I know you wanted to be honest with her but this is one of those situations where I think it would have been best to introduce her slowly to someone and build it up gradually to see what happens rather than build up a huge expectation - her knowing that you want babies and a life with this person will now put so much pressure on any future meeting.

And I hope she has never heard you talk about how she makes you 'housebound', which is a pretty grim way to talk about your child, as it sounds like a disability (and presumably she does leave the house and you do things together?) particularly as you go out at weekends. Soon she will be old enough to leave in the evenings anyway

I think you need to question why you're even having the future/ babies thoughts or conversations with someone who at this stage most people would be just dating, it does suggest something in your thought process isn't quite right and you might be rushing things for the wrong reasons

With respect you've managed to find yourself in a 6 month relationship after your wife left you earlier this year. A relationship so serious that you're considering having a child with this person.

How did you manage to do that whilst apparently housebound?

But it's not been 4 years for your daughter, it's been 9-10 months?

I'm not against people introducing girlfriends boyfriends in (done correctly), but the thing you are failing to take into consideration is the time frame for your daughter here and how the suddenness of this (in her mind) is making her feel like it's all happening too fast, she's only just getting used to it being you two and you're floating the idea of bringing someone else in to the relationship.

Exactly.
What's wrong with just being a dad and doing your job, why does a woman need to be involved? Most women stay single for years after a big break up and concentrate on their children.

I don't have a horse in this race, but I don't think you can win here.
If your DD was mainly living with her DM and you went on to have a second child, everyone would moan about you "swapping your old family for a younger more fun family".
As you are, you aren't supposed to make any changes to your life for the sake of your DD's stability.
I agree with you and lots of PPs that it's too soon. Step back and have lunch dates, get to know your OH better while not thrusting her in your DD's face. Things may resolve one way or the other purely through the passage of time.

But MN also hates older parents (I'm an adopter and both our children are over 40 years younger than me and over 50 years younger than my DH, who is now retired and happily does most of the child related admin). They see it as disastrous if a parent isn't young enough that they will know their own great grand-children. My uncle (youngest of my father's siblings) was born when his dad was 60 and his mum (my dad's step mum) was 40. His mum unfortunately died first but his youngest child knew her grandfather despite his great age, he was a lovely grandfather and doted on her as on all his older children including me.
So do not pay any heed to those who are moaning that your child could be orphaned at 40.

I'm starting to wonder if this whole thread is a wind up. A hard-pressed single parent, presumably with a job, who is 'housebound', would not manage half of this. Let alone having time to spend a weekday arguing with a bunch of strangers about how he deserves even more.

And by ‘waiting a year or two’ to have a baby with this new woman, you’re potentially bringing a newborn into the mix just as your DD is doing her GCSES’s - you really haven’t thought this through at all. The complete disruption to her life at one of the most important times will be huge!

Me too. Not even sure why he’s here, as he clearly isn’t going to listen past what he thinks he ‘deserves’. Funny how when the man leaves the woman usually isn’t putting that first:/
That poor girl.

Why don’t you ask Anna what was the amount of time between this child’s dad leaving and Anna’s son getting involved?
Why don’t you also ask her how long they were seeing each other before introducing the child to him?
My son was a victim of domestic abuse and the police removed her from the marital home. Unfortunately this all took place in front of the child. He met his new girlfriend about 12 months after the split. Sometimes it's the mother who is the shit parent

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

They always start their posts like this! Every time!

@HopperDash Has your girlfriend actually said she wants kids?

You are running ahead of yourself in my view. Advice you are getting on here is more or less the same as would be given to mother's on here, in the same situation, for once.

You are only 6 months into a new relationship, which must have started very soon after you and your DDs Mother separated?

You should not have told your daughter so much detail at this stage about your girlfriend for starters, as you don't know if this relationship will go the distance and you have started to date again and discussed it with your DD while she is still trying to come to terms with the split between her parents. Her whole world has exploded.

Yes, you have every right to be happy, and you wouldn't be on here if you didn't care about your daughter, but you asked for a female perspective and you are getting it.

I don't know if this applies to you, or not, but as a general observation guys usually find it easy to compartmentalise emotionally different areas of their lives. So in a situation like yours that would refer to children/adult close relationships/ work. Women are much more likely to look at ALL those things and how they interact together.

That is what you asked for, and the replies reflect that. I can't say much that hasn't been said already: your daughter is both grieving the loss of her family unit and very angry about it too; She will feel that her mother abandoned her and that somehow it is her fault, because that's what children do; She will be terrified of losing you too and perceive that you having a girlfriend is evidence that she WILL lose you, because she isn't enough for you, so you can't love her enough and it will be her fault again - (she's only a young teen, so she's not old enough to understand the complexity of adult romantic relationships, nor the different types of love we hold, which can all be held at the same time);

By all means still continue seeing your girlfriend, but please stop discussing it with your daughter. The more you try to persuade her, the more she will dig her heels in. It's far, far too early to even introduce the two of them to each other as the relationship may not last, once you get to know each other a lot better. How often do you and the GF meet up? Or speak on the phone etc?

I would also add that if the GF is pushing you for a child already, then she is sending out red flags already, as she isn't prepared to consider the impact on your DD, or/and she isn't that into you and maybe just wants to find a sperm donor before it's too late for her? If it's only you who wants another child, please think about your motives for that?

Hope things settle, in whatever way is best for you all.

Me too.
Is the OP wanting another child? Otherwise maybe he would be perhaps looking at women closer his age and life stage.
I think at 50 that ship has sailed!
I'm in my early 50s - I'm still having periods and I look in my late 30s - the other day asked if I was 38.
I'm also very fit! But thaf doesn't mean I should have a baby.
Please OP think of your daughter - she's not got a relationship with her mum.
SHE NEEDS YOU!

@HopperDash

I'd like to know how you manage to go to work, go to the gym every day and see your latest girlfriend away from your house........

......... and still claim to be "housebound".

If you have ‘no support network’ and are ‘housebound’, where is your child when you are spending time with your girlfriend?

Sounds like you hold a lot of anger and regret for staying with your ex as long as you did despite an unhappy relationship and for not being able to have a second child. You have to remember that you are years ahead of your daughter whose world has imploded within the last year. You may have detached and moved on mentally a while ago, but this is all so raw for your daughter that it is moving way too fast. I don't think you need to sacrifice yourself forever for your DD but it's all moving too fast. Your DD needs time to recover and rebuild her life with parents apart.

I appreciate this is hard for you too and you are hurting and wanting to move on and fulfill your lost hopes from your former relationship. But you have to own your decision to have stayed with your ex wife longer than you should have, and when she didn't want a second child and you did.

You may regret and feel bitter about your choices but you can surely understand that wasn't in your DD control. To seek her views on a potential a long term relationship that may involve a future sibling when they haven't even met your new girlfriend is putting far too much burden on her. She will feel guilty for saying no and it has already caused conflict at a time when she needs extra stability.

Your focus should be on supporting her to adapt to the new life both you and your ex have created for a year or two then revaluate.

So when you said your wife left earlier this year you were lying?

And when you said you got together with your girlfriend six months ago you were lying?

Based on the OPS replies I'm not so convinced he was as saintly in the marriage as he makes out because it appears to all be about his happiness. Blaming the wife's menopause, saying she was awful to him whilst he remained the lovely yet neglected husband 🤔 Sounds more like she was going through it and probably wasn't up for sex/affection during menopause so op felt neglected and full of self pity, that came across and a storm brewed. She left, leaving dd behind and instead of facilitating the rebuilding of the relationship mum and daughter, he bad mouths her/puts all the blame onto her, resents having to look after/put dd first at the sacrifice of his sex love life for a few years (which is something mums do all the time), and is more concerned about his happiness than his dds.

This guy would be such red flag bingo on online dating!

So not remotely like OPs situation then.

—Plus what I actually asked was the time difference between this girls father leaving, and your son being introduced. I was not asking about your sons wife at all.—

OK I read it again. So there was a one year gap between your DIL leaving and new girlfriend arriving? Not like OP then.

Edited to add I just saw this comment by chance. You need to tag me into it if you want me to see it.

...................according to you and others I should just stay unhappy and go on silver dating in 10 years

Well, you'll be 60 in ten years, so you'd be eligible.

Quite 😳

As a warning @HopperDash my niece is now 18 and is having therapy partly because she's struggled growing up without a mother. Her mother was off the scene before she was 2 years old so slightly different but don't expect things to magically improve for your daughter as she gets older. They won't necessarily,

To be honest, you're on Mumsnet so the advice you get will be based on your gender.

If you were a woman having a child with a second husband, that would be absolutely fine and the children were have to acclimatise. However, because you are a man you should never be allowed another relationship, ever. Your sole purpose in life is to be a vassal to the first wife. So speaks the Mumsnet cabal.

Not a couple of years. She is 13. So five years, at least.