Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

But you haven't been on your own for a year, it's was a few months between the wife leaving and meeting the new gf? How did you meet you new gf?

My brother is a single parent and honestly thinks he's some sort of angel for looking after his own child. I love him but the victim mentality is so tedious.

The age gap isn't good, especially for a teen to witness. I'd have hated that if my dad did it.

I think as any Mum would attest to, we all need to be happy personally so we can be at our best for the child.

I think that means you could try to get to a yoga class here and there, drink plenty of water and get enough sleep, not make a baby with somone you've known for six months while devastating your teenager.

Agree. Many of us have been there as separated parents and wanting to move on but we have to be unselfish and prioritise our kids emotional well being until they’re feeling settled.

I came out of a 27 year relationship and met someone a year later, who I kept away from my DS (he was 12). I did introduce them gradually and unfortunately it didn’t go well and so I made the decision to put my DS first and end the relationship. I don’t have one minute of regret.

How was it a year on your own if you're in a 6 month relationship and its less than a year since your wife even left?

You're not able to do any kind of reflection or take the overwhelming majority of women's advice here on board. This is a waste of your time and ours.

..........but I think as any Mum would attest to, we all need to be happy personally so we can be at our best for the child.

Which translates as "I want a new girlfriend because I want regular sex. Someone to move in and do my housework and childcare would be a bonus".

Won't be so housebound then. But you know who will be....

How else would you term not being able to hardly ever go out the evening or weekends, having no support or childcare. Women always have people to turn to, friends, parents. A single Dad is much harder to get support for. It's a pleasure to care for my child, but I think as any Mum would attest to, we all need to be happy personally so we can be at our best for the child.

Parenting.

It's called parenting, not being housebound.

I know none of these women who ALWAYS have people to turn to. I know lots of women who waited until their child was older to date, after divorce.

And if you're that desperate, PAY for child care. That's another thing parents do,
when parenting.

Stop using the word housebound. You are not housebound.
There are people who are unable to leave their home due to illness. They are housebound. You are not.
I find it really insulting. My mother was housebound due to illness for 20 years. You are going out running, to the gym, meeting a new girlfriend etc.
My mother couldn't do anything like that.

I didn’t know why this thread was giving me intense rage but then I realised, you remind me of my father.

So:

• Mother leaves her child this year
• Child has experienced breakdown of her parents' marriage
• Dad near immediately gets a new younger girlfriend
• Dad then (after only SIX months) starts talking about a baby

Come on now.

Why are you only replying to those posts that validate your feelings?

Why are you not responding to those who are warning you to take it easy? Those of us who have been there as children?

No advice on your specific query, but as a daughter who's dad was 50 when she was born, I hated his age.
He was always assumed to be my grandad and although he was an amazing Dad the generation difference between him and my Mum who was 20 years younger seemed vast at points.

He was in great health when I was born but that changed quickly, he was poorly for the majority of my life and I lost him at 26. He's missed so many milestones and 8 years on in some respects it gets so much harder without him.

Not so housebound at the moment that he hasn't been able to establish a relationship with a woman who apparently wants a child with him.

Indeed. How has he managed to spend time with the new woman?

I disagree with most of the comments, you deserve to have a life and not be held back by an unreasonable teenager. In a couple of years she’ll be living her own life and will be independent of you. Why should you be alone. This doesn’t necessarily mean you need to rush into having children with your new partner but I wouldn’t write it off. Most children don’t like their parents new partners, and most of them grow up and realise they were just being teenagers. I think a lot of replies are from mum’s so they aren’t going to side with you.

He reminds me of my Father too.

I sort of feel there is two issues here - the first is the issue of whether the OP can have a girlfriend and the second is this particular girlfriend and all that entails.

In relation the the first point, I don't see why the OP shouldn't have a girlfriend in principal. However, it needs to be managed in the right way. I see a lot of comments on here about how children should not dictate their parents lives, but the fact remains that you cannot date as a single parent in the same way that you can as a footloose and fancy free younger adult. Once you have a child, then you take that child into account when making life decisions and sometimes that means you make sacrifices. You don't rush into big decisions, you maybe have to slow down the progression of any relationships, you keep your home a safe space for your child instead of having new relationships stay over etc... all of which you can do without much thought when you don't have children.

OP - it sounds like both you and your daughter have been through it. I'm a bit concerned that your daughter seems to blame the breakdown of your marriage on your wife and it has adversely affected their relationship. However, it is never that black and white. The relationship between you and your ex should remain between you. Your daughter should be encouraged to have a good relationship with her mother and should in no way be involved in the details or apportioning blame for the marriage breakdown (any safeguarding issues aside which you have not mentioned). If she wasn't so focused on blaming her mother, then perhaps she'd be a little less dependant on you and would be more secure in herself. You have stressed how open and honest you are, but I do wonder if perhaps you are being too open and honest regarding adult issues with your child. Sometimes its hard to remember that your children are in fact children when they seem to grow up so fast.

In terms of you new girlfriend - from what you have said it sounds a lot like she is not the one for you. Your marriage may have been over before your wife left, but you were still hoping to be able to resolve things - it wasn't really over for you. In the space of 6 months, your wife left and you are in a new relationship with a younger woman who you have indicated pursued you, makes you feel wanted and loved, and will no doubt be an ego boost. That can be intoxicating, especially if you have been feeling neglected for so long. But you don't say too much that makes me think you like/love this woman beyond that. She sounds very much like a rebound - someone that makes you feel better after a crappy time. And there isn't too much wrong with that in theory as long as it doesn't hurt anyone.

However, this relationship will hurt your daughter as she is not emotionally ready to deal with it. Her issues with her mother and her reliance on you need to be addressed, which will likely take time. It is also going to hurt this woman based on her age if she wants children. You are going to waste her last fertile years as you cannot realistically move to her timeline due to your personal circumstances.

Personally, I'd say address your daughters issues and concerns and then consider moving on. In the meantime, I'd date casually with people whose circumstances are similar to your own so you can match their relationship pace.

I don’t think that’s true. Why would single women have more people to turn to?

Parenthood is tough op. For some, much tougher than for others.

I really feel for you for the way your wife treated you - and your DD. I can see you have tried. But having one shitty parent doesn’t mean the other can play down - if anything they have to step up.

You’ve asked for advice as to whether what you propose is the right course. Plenty of people - including the still “ bitter” have cautioned it could be very much the wrong thing for your DD. However it’s clear what you really wanted was endorsement so you could discount your DD’s pleas that it feels wrong for her.

You have focused a lot on what has been unfair and sub-optimal for you. I agree with you: much has been. But I think it’s been worse for your DD.

As a poster upthread observed, we show our true feelings via actions not words. All this “ reassuring her she is very loved” is mere floppy rhetoric when you are doing something she has made patently - and tearfully - obvious will hurt her.

But I’m tired of posting now, because I see that words is as far as you will go to compromise your needs.

I wish you luck, and I wish your DD even more

This is how my partner ended up moving out of home and sofa surfing with friends before he was even 16. His mother was ‘the bad one’ who ended the marriage, but his father then immediately casting around for a replacement family option was what left him completely rootless and abandoned when he could have been the one to step up and provide some security. I’ve never been able to understand how his parents disposed of him so easily, it’s weird to read the real time justifications.

He's been in a relationship for 6 months. In what way doesn't he have a life?

OP if your DD hasn't met your girlfriend yet, how are you managing to see her?

You must be getting babysitters.

And you go to the gym every day.

So you're not housebound.

You go where you like, when you like.

"I'm so amazing for accepting a wife 5 years older than me as it's so rare" 🤢 yet you have a much bigger gap.

It sounds like you would have to move quite fast to have a baby if your GF is already 38 and you don't even live together yet.

If she is adamant on having a baby, she needs to find someone who doesn't have the same restrictions that you do. Your DD needs more time to adjust and get to know GF amd you're very old to have a baby anyway.

You sound lovely and I'm sure you'll meet someone who is more aligned with your stage of life when the time is right.