Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Every reply from the OP has been "me me me... what about me, my needs". And throw in a pinch of "it was all HER fault".

I feel so sorry for the daughter.

You and your gf are short sighted. You say you're been together 5 years? You both knew her clock was ticking: after a few years if it was obvious your daughter wasn't happy you should have ended it then whilst your gf still had time to find someone else. Leaving it till she's 38 is lunacy. Now you are going to have to potentially ruin a life: either your gf or your daughter. Your daughter should be your priority.

@kirinm what's happened to you to make you so nasty and bitter? What was the benefit/point in that bitchy pointless little jab other than to upset the OP?

Feeling a lot of bitterness here. I was a good husband and am a very, very good father. My wife left me and turned against me due to the menopause and not getting help. However that sounds it's a fact and my daughter noticed the same change in her early fifties. So, I don't think there's any conclusion to come to regarding me. I was supportive and tried to make it work for as long as possible. But she said for years she wanted to be on her own and not with me. So, she left me and my child. I think I'm the good person in this story

We all have the chance to move through being ' good' or 'bad' people through the choices we make.

Being the one left holding the kids after the other parent walks out ( which happens to many, many women) does not automatically make you a good guy, unless you prioritise what your kids' need.

You can be the good guy in your child's narrative, and yours, but only if you keep you love life away from you daughter. She really, really needs to know that she is your priority, and she can't feel that if you start a new family.

I don't know why people keeping saying this either, there's a big difference between 12/13 and 15. She might even feel ready for her Dad to date by then. My parents split just before I was 11, the year afterwards I wasn't ready for them to bring anyone new into my life. Luckily they were more concerned for their kids than playing the dating game in middle age. By 15, I was actively encouraging them to find love again. It just takes time and healing.

Where did you get 5 years?

It's six months.

The child's mother only left earlier this year.

I am a realist and I know that your ego is the size of a small planet, and that I clearly hit a nerve because it's the only post of mine you've replied to.

Sorry! I think that was my input upthread! I didn’t see 13, mentally envisaged 15 then that figure snuck out from my mental “ clipboard” when I said there was a 15 year age gap between op and his partner. When someone asked where I got that figure from, I explained I had mentally pinned it as thd DD’s age. So total responsibility accepted!

Though I don’t think it is all that critical: dd is still very young and in need of her Dad, and there is still a significant “ stage of life” gap between divorced op with his teen and his childless gf.

I'm interested to know what OP is actually going to DO now? Daughter or partner of 6 months?

And whether he likes or not (and despite what his males friends may say, how young he looks, or what he feels he deserves) it IS the choice.

Which is it, OP?!

You keep saying you are a 'very good father' and you say you want a 'female' perspective. Many women who are very experienced in this kind of scenario are saying that in the difficult situation you are in, with an upset and no doubt traumatised 13 year old daughter, being a 'very very good father' means delaying having a live in partner and/or another baby until the daughter you already have is OK.
Are you sure you want a genuine female perspective, or are you on the lookout for validation for something you've already decided to do? If the latter, then you have wasted the time of a lot of concerned women on this forum.

@Ellie54320 aren't you the person who said a 13 year old has to suck it up? Lovely.

I had a Dad who thought about himself over everyone else and this is exactly what the OP is doing. He wants approval to knowingly damage his relationship with his child who is already struggling because she had a shit mum. He didn't get the response he wanted so decides to leave the thread. It's kind of pathetic.

It blows my mind that anyone thinks it's okay to start a relationship within weeks of another relationship ending and expecting that to be accepted by your kids!

I think the important thing to remember OP is if your girlfriend would be a good step-parent to your daughter? You've got your future planned out but you don't even know how she will treat your daughter?? And you have no way of knowing that right now, the better way of introducing them when they are ready should have been as your 'friend' to see how your girlfriend is with her before you got to the point of considering taking your relationship further. You say you are honest but you may need to scale it back a bit as you have really scared your daughter.

Your daughter is panicking because it all seems so rushed.. and it is to be honest, you may have checked out of your previous relationship years ago, but your daughter has only had this year to get used to it, she feels abandoned by her mum, and is worried you may do the same, you need to tread carefully here, in her world all this is happening at lightening speed and you need to build her trust and make her realise there is nothing to be afraid of.

With regards to the suitability of your girlfriend, people say all sorts of things and can make the right noises, but also be only interested in what they want. Your girlfriend only has experience of you, not experience of you as a person who puts their child front and centre.. you need to determine how that affects your relationship with her and you need to be fully prepared to walk away from your girlfriend if she isn't a selfless enough person to have a step child in their lives, a lot of men can't do that, the signs are always there in the beginning but they ignore them for their own selfish reasons.. if you aren't self aware enough to do that then knock the girlfriend idea on the head for a few years.

Yup sorry … think it was me. We cross posted. But I still think 15 is young given the issues at stake anyway.

You haven't said how long you and your girlfriend have been together. "Some time" could be a few months or a few years. And context matters. If its only been a few months, then its understandable that your daughter might be upset and that will change with time. If its been a few years and your daughter is not happy about meeting your new partner then you will need to question why more of an effort hasn't been made to strengthen that bond by your girlfriend and what the reasons are for your daughter not wanting to meet her. Simply sitting down with her and asking questions to understand your daughters point of view and worries on the situation is much better than assuming her reasons. You say you're her safeplace and if thats true, she should have no trouble talking to you about what bothers her. Children/teens are more intuitive than adults realise and there may be red flags that you're missing that your daughter has picked up on.
One key point to remember that I wish my stepmum and father knew... you already have a family. Your girlfriend may want her own biological children too and thats fine however its important to remember that if you two are coupling up for the long run, your daughter will become your girlfriends daughter. So its important that this relationship works for all 3 of you. As much as you may care for your girlfriend, your daughter should always come first and her opinion matters too. Once your daughter feels safe with your girlfriend, the idea of a new child will not make her feel like shes being replaced. Instead she'll feel like shes gained a new, loving mother and is part of a safe family.
This is your opportunity to start an open conversation with your daughter and explain to her why you care so much for your girlfriend and why you want her to move in whilst leaving space for your daughters feelings, validate her worries and reassure her that you will still always have time for her.

TBF to the OP here - it does look (from the fact that he's only liking the few posts that say he's fine to move on so quickly with another woman) like he's going to ignore all the advice suggesting that he slows down, and just do what he wants anyway.

It's not the same though is it - his previous partner left him. He isnt leaving her for another woman.

He has said. It's six months. His ex-wife of 20 years, the mother of his child, moved out earlier this year.

but you just said in your previous message "she means the world to me but I am housebound and I don't think it's fair I spend the next six to how many years locked away from the world and life."

So are you housebound or fit and 50 running every day?

Maybe I am a bit bitter - my dad is supremely selfish too, though not as bad as OP. My dad had a rough childhood, so I do feel sympathy for him. Similarly, I feel sorry for OP that his wife abandoned him and their child.

What I'm saying comes from anger for OP's daughter, but also from frustration for OP because I do actually feel sympathy - for God's sake, don't be a dick for your OWN sake.

I'm in my mid 20s now, married with children, and my children barely know my dad exists. They don't recognise him when he visits - I can see the hurt on his face, and it makes me feel sad. Because despite everything, I have sympathy for him like I said. But everything he did has caused me to totally switch off from him. I very genuinely forgot to tell him I was pregnant with my second baby. He only found out when I was 7 months pregnant when my grandmother, his mother, spoke about it in front of him. My siblings have precious little to do with him. Distance is not a factor, he's nearby.

He's now floundering in his mid life crisis well into his late 60s. He's a very sad man, and his bright ideas of rushing to starting afresh with new women never worked out the way he thought it would.

There's a way you can play this, OP, that you get to have the life you want AND maintain a happy relationship with your daughter. I'm not convinced you care about her emotional wellbeing, but you could preserve that too if you wanted, and still end up where you want to be. But it doesn't sound like you're going to take that option.

Sorry - I assumed from another poster's post, as I couldn't see an age specifically given in the OP's replies. Should have worked it out for myself!

Even worse, then.

Think sadly we all know the answer to that question.

Despite saying he’s looking for female perspective, he’s clearly only interested in the handful of posts that validate him and getting spikey with the majority telling him to slow down.

It’s all a bit ‘me, me, me’ I think.

‘I’m a young looking 50 year old, I’m fit and healthy, I feel young, my wife didn’t deal with the menopause, she’s selfish and left me, I’m a great dad, I deserve happiness’.

What about your 13 year old? ‘My mum left me a few months ago and doesn’t see me now dad is telling me all about his new girlfriend. I don’t even want to meet her yet’.

Many people advise not even meeting children until a year of steady dating first. Why are you bringing things up so soon? Why are you pushing your daughter? She’s obviously not ready yet. Why doesn’t your (very new) girlfriend see that? Doesn’t she understand teenagers? If not, why are you contemplating any of this?

@Meowingtwice it will feel the same for his daughter. She obviously knows her mother is a nightmare and is feeling the impact of that herself. It won't stop her feeling rejected if her Dad immediately hooks up with someone else.

She's still so young and she can't possibly be expected to say 'yep, sure Dad, you've had it tough for the last few years, time for you to find someone else'. Because of her age. That won't be forever. It's just far far too soon,

He has used the term incorrectly.

He's claiming to be "housebound" because he is a single father and his daughter won't let him date.

Somehow though he's managed a six month relationship with someone who he's now considering a new child with.

Less than a year after his wife walked out.

How offensive to people who are ACTUALLY housebound, eh?

It sounds like people just haven't said what you want to hear to be honest.

You're more worried about your love life than about your dds wellbeing, jumping straight onto dating apps or if you met in rl jumping into dating within months of your wife leaving you with dd is very telling this has been the priority. You're dd is young, I doubt she will always not want you to date, but right now when she needs you most You're more worried about a yourself.

These last 6 months should have been about nurturing her wellbeing and doing everything you can to facilitate the rebuilding of the relationship between her and her mum. That could be councilling, communication, meeting up regularly (them not you) etc. It would also have been a good time for you to reflect, recharge, and heal from a 20 year marriage. Then as time moves on, she gets older and feels more secure she would probably be more welcoming of a new gf. But right now the last thing she needs is a gf in the mix, nor a baby!