Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

As you said, your wife left you mentally years ago, you were already separated when she left, just living together so I don't think it's unreasonable that you embarked on a new relationship what in numbers looks rather fast but in the circumstances not.

so the daughter is able to be fully appreciative of the 4 year deterioration in her parents marriage and should just suck it up. Aged 13. Righto.

Feeling a lot of bitterness here. I was a good husband and am a very, very good father. My wife left me and turned against me due to the menopause and not getting help. However that sounds it's a fact and my daughter noticed the same change in her early fifties. So, I don't think there's any conclusion to come to regarding me. I was supportive and tried to make it work for as long as possible. But she said for years she wanted to be on her own and not with me. So, she left me and my child. I think I'm the good person in this story.

Not sure what the point in stating the obvious is??? Ok, then a 45 year old woman.
or a 40 year old woman.

response would be the same - talking about moving in and/or having a new baby with someone you've been dating for 6 months when you are in a complicated situation with an ex and a daughter = prioritise your child not your new shag.

Yes, if you carry on putting your daughter first, you're the good person.

If you bring a new partner into her life, against her wishes, and give her a sibling she doesn't want - not so much. What's the hurry. Why does it have to be this woman?

@HopperDash Omg, you have only been with your new girlfriend for only 6 months! You are a young 50? Well, we are similar ages. I am only a couple of years younger than you. (FWIW I have had 2 boyfriends younger than me. It happens for women too. Not a big deal). You are old enough to know better. If you even read my post then you know exactly where I stand. Let me rephrase it for you. Your 15 year old daughter is right! Listen to her! She doesn’t want to meet your girlfriend yet! Good on her. It is too soon. She doesn’t want to even accept or be ok with your girlfriend moving in. She is right! She doesn’t want to even consider you having a baby with this woman yet. Again, she is right!

Be proud of your daughter. Somehow, she is more mature than you.

OP, the fact that you felt unwanted in the later years of your marriage has absolutely no bearing on how your (I'm guessing around 13) year old daughter will feel. Her mothers walked out and now Dad wants to start a new family with a woman he's known 6 months and where taking time before a baby isn't really an option. A woman she hasn't even met yet.

What comes over is that you are longing to start a "new life" when you've got a teen who is clearly and understandably struggling. If you are the great dad you say you are, you'd recognise that and act accordingly. None of us can give you the words to make it all OK and acceptable for your DD because I don't think there are any.

Wow to some of theswe comments like this one... what the hell?!

I really think you need to ignore a lot of these comments they're awful and many seem bitter. No, you aren't too old to have another child and no wanting to move on with your life and enjoy a new relationship does not mean you are putting yourself before your daughter so please don't read these comments and think by allowing yourself a future you are being a bad dad. Just by coming on here and putting this post up shows what a brilliant dad you are, very few men would bother.

Love works both ways and your daughter is old enough to know that if this woman makes you happy then she should at least make an effort to meet her. It sounds like you need to sit her down and have a proper talk with her, tell her how happy this relationship makes you and that her being a part of that journey means everything to you so she understands you want her there by your side, this isn't a replacement, if she allows herself a chance she most likely will enjoy being part of a stable happy family, it sounds like it's likely this isn't something she's experienced for a long time, in the long run it could be as good for her as it is for you.

Your daughter will grow and move on with her life in a matter of years, are you expected to stay alone forever or just for the years she tells you you have to be? Her saying no to your relationship doesn't affect her life one bit but it could destroy yours.

My daughters and I are incredibly close and we love each other dearly. If I were in your situation there's no way they'd act like this, we'd work together to find the right balance where we were all happy. Work together being the most important thing here.

Pleaase though, there are a lot of bitter, nasty comments on here, they absolutely did not go gentle on them as could've been predicted. Take them with a pinch of salt.

@HopperDash you're a father with a shitty ex who has been a shitty mum. You're not some sort of angelic man that deserves a medal. There are plenty of single parents out there. (I was one and my brother is one). You get on with it. I did have another relationship and had a child when I was 40 - I just waited until my son was older.

You won't be the 'good one' soon if you force a new relationship on your young daughter when you know it's something she'd massively struggling with.

Not sure what bit of my post that ties to …

I pointed out it is more your wife who has been selfish so far.

When a child has a mother who is 'selfish' enough to abandon her and rarely be in touch, her dad needs to be less selfish to make up for it. You think of yourself as 'a great dad' but are you really? You have sole responsibility for a young girl entering adolescence who has been deeply traumatised by losing her mother; you are not single chap with a clean state following a bad relationship. You are not free to have another live-in relationship and perhaps another child while your daughter is so fragile. She has to be your main priority, and you have to make genuine sacrifices.
Nobody is saying you can't have an intimate relationship during the next years, but introducing a new woman to your daughter, let alone moving her into your daughter's home and possibly adding a step-sibling, shouldn't be contemplated until she is much stronger and more settled.

Thus far… yes, I’d agree.

Who the ‘good’ person is in relation to your previous marriage really is not very relevant.

This is about you, your DD and how you move forward with YOUR lives in your current situation. Talking about babies with someone you’ve known for 6 months while your DD is struggling with the break up of your marriage, and her relationship with her mother, that’s the relevant bit now.

@HopperDash I’d stop now. With every post you are digging yourself a deeper hole. And certainly not appearing to be dad of the year, despite what you think.

He’s allowed to date people even 6 months after a split. It is completely normal for people to crave companionship. I agree moving in together and having a baby right now would be a major issue but he is allowed to date. At some point in the future it might be the right time.

how long would be acceptable? Some people on here seem to be suggesting he never is allowed to move on. My father remarried and one of his partner’s daughters caused all sorts of problems. The rest of us were totally fine about it. We all wanted everyone to be happy. I knew I had a life ahead of me and hated the thought of him being alone.

Your wife of 20 years and mother of your child only left earlier this year and you're already in a 6 month relationship with another woman and talking about a new baby?!

And you think the issue is your daughter having trouble adjusting to this?!

And finally, any suggestions that you slow things down with new relationships so your daughter can adjust just results in you saying that means you're going to be alone forever??

Good grief.

I was kind when I said it before but now we have more information I'm afraid not so kind. Seriously, the therapy, not for your daughter but for you. Anxious attachment style - look into it!

@Ellie54320 coming onto a forum and then disagreeing with everyone makes him a good dad? What a low fucking bar.

Thank you, appreciate your comment.

At this point you need to focus on getting the two of them to actually meet each other first and go from there. Getting your girlfriend pregnant before your daughter has even met her is not a good plan.

The problem is not you having a girlfriend. That could be taken slowly, she wouldn't need to move in immediately. The problem is having a baby. And her age means that's going to need to happen sooner rather than later. If she were 28 it would in some ways be easier (though ick).

Your priority has to be your daughter. 15 and without a stable relationship with her mum is already a tricky age and situation. Unfortunately I - and I think most posters here - foresee serious problems for your daughter if you go ahead and have a baby now. By which I mean drug/alcohol abuse, toxic and abusive relationships relationships, mental health problems. She needs stability and to be her dad's priority.

A lot of them probably ARE bitter.

And what do you think they would be bitter about?

Probably feeling replaced, deprioritised as a child with lasting impact. Which is exactly what people are trying to warn op about.

So in a roundabout way, does the bitterness not make the point?

@Drfosters that he's been in a relationship for 6 months suggests he took a matter of weeks to find this person.

I cannot understand what planet anyone is on to expect a very young kid to be happy with this.

@Ellie54320 are you mad?

He is not a brilliant dad. His only concern is that he is a victim and deserves to be happy.

And you think he should sit a 13 year old who has been abandoned by her mother less than a year ago to hear all about how daddy deserves to be happy and she should be happy for it him, regardless of what it means for her, on the off chance she won’t be sidelined in a new situation with new babies and daddy getting his ego stroked.

This place boggles my brain at times.

If your daughter is 13 then she needs to be introduced gradually to the idea of you dating while you show her at other times how much you love and care for her. The woman you have met now may not be the right person for you if she cant form a bond with your child. Normally you'd wait at least a year to introduce them.

Take daughter out for a meal or trip to a family attraction with this woman. DONT let her intrude yet on your child's safe space at home. Observe how your girlfriend reacts. She might decide she cant face dealing with a teenager who has emotional problems and move on but she has the right to know what she would be facing.

Do see a family therapist.

Mothers in this situation often make martyrs of themselves for their children, that isnt healthy. But rushing this woman into your home is going to ruin your relationship to your daughter. You are obviously determined to do it so concentrate on how to minimise the damage.

I feel for you OP. I have a son in his forties in a very similar position to you. He has a 'new' girlfriend but she already has children. My granddaughter likes the girlfriend and her children very much but is having difficulty in accepting her dad's new relationship. She is slowly coming round with much reassurance from us all and she is enjoying being part of a family with other children although I won't pretend there aren't difficulties. No advice really but you deserve to be happy too and you sound like a very caring and loving dad to me.

Why does everyone think the daughter is 15. She's not. She's 13. Very much a child.